Toys Are Overrated

When M was younger, I was convinced I was doing something wrong.  She didn't play with her toys.  Preschooleers are supposed to love toys.  I must be doing something wrong.

We found some things she played with a little bit, then they stayed on the shelf while seh did crafts or read books or sat around looking aimless.  I felt like a bad mom.  Maybe I was being too frugal.  I bought more toys.

Whenever she liked something, we went all out.  Everyone in the family pitched in at birthdays and Christmas to get her the theme toy that she had been playing with.  It didn't last long.  I decided I had overdone it and ruined the enjoyment of that toy.  I would have to do better next time.

After a while, I decided she must be really tired and just wanted to do art and watch movies.  I bought more movies.  I happen to love kids' movies more than M, so this was a less uncomfortable adventure for me.  However, she got bored of the movies, too.  It became another thing she'd sigh and accept, but not thoroughly enjoy.  Fail.  Again.

I recently heard a mom talking about a similar experience and it got me remembering.  After we figured out that giftedness had a lot to do with this dynamic, we bought as many used nonfiction books as we could carry at a used curriculum sale.

We snuck them into the basement and onto a bookshelf, then surprised her with it.  Finally, we got the reaction you'd expect on Christmas morning.  It was Timelife Books and Usborne books and National Geographic books, etc.  We had purchased almost everything science or animal related that we could find.  We were both shaking as our muscles barely made it to the car with our load.  It even took more than a week for her to read them all.  Seriously, that's like a lifetime supply for some kids.  Score.  Finally.

Emma Watson is quoted as saying something like, "Don't think you're stupid just because you don't like the things everyone else pretends to like."  I love that quote.  I felt like the temporary toy interest was very much like that.  I think M felt that she was supposed to like toys, listened to friends/classmates and latched on to that.  When it was ust her, however, she'd much rather have a book.  Only when we gifted her in an area of passion did she get excited.  That is obvious to me now, but took us a long time to figure out.

Even though I have some intelligence and am aware of (and even embrace) my idiosynchrosies as fun ornaments on my personality, I fell victim to the social norms.  Whether or not a person of any age is gifted or not, they need to feel free to pursue their passions.  So long as it's not destructive, I think anything should go.  As adults we do that.  Why do we treat kids differently?

So, am I having a contest to give away all those unused toys?  No.  M sold almost all of them (because I made her keep some) in a garage sale and used the money to buy pet supplies.  She has had no regrets & made a killing at that garage sale.  My niece thinks I got rid of all my daughter's toys.  She must think I'm the meanest mom ever. . .

The lessons I learned are:
1. Spending money on something the gift receiver isn't interested in is a huge waste of money.
2. Happiness is pursuing your passions.
3. Being like other people doesn't create happiness.
4. Being a good mom might look like something entirely different to an outsider.
5. People will judge.
6. I need to get over my insecurities and suck it up.
7. "Thou shalt not judge" probably means I shouldn't get all worked up about the judgement.

This was a good reminder just before the holidays as I'm tempted to enlarge the pile of presents. This year, our present situation is even more atypical than usual.  M is the one reminding us that we already have our big Christmas present - we got a new pet this Fall & the timing was better earlier, but it really was a Christmas present plan.  It was an awesome choice for the whole family.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year.  Wishing you comfort & peace, relaxation & laughter.

HAPPY Holidays, you say? Inspiration from sadness through a gifted friend.

Let me begin by telling you that I do wish everyone the happiest possible holidays.  I apologize for the big break in posts.  I had a happy Thanksgiving, but I haven't had a happy season of life.

Happy holidays is not a reality for everyone.  Statistics attest to the fact that major health issues (that are complicated by stress like stroke and heart attack) go up during the holidays, and I'm sure it's not entirely from culinary overindulgence or increased debtload with holiday expenses.  Worse yet, suicide rates go up during the holidays.

Life is not a Hallmark card, and the Hallmark company's spin on things has become a cause for derision from me.  Why is it so bad that it's not a happy time for some?  Most people who have gone through major struggles/trauma will attest to this conclusion.  While they wouldn't wish it on others, they would not give up what they gained from the experience.  Less than happy does not necessarily mean less than anything else.  There is great value in the less euphoric emotions and seasons in life.  They are real and valuable.

If you are in a happy season of life, I am genuinely happy for you.  I hope that you can snuggle into that, basking in contentment or whatever positive experience you're in.  Better than that, I hope it produces outflow that shows the best of you.  That might mean smiling at strangers, financially supporting an amazing charity, doing amazing volunteer work, or simply being a bright spot in the daily lives of others just by being yourself.  The last example reminds me of an amazing friend who has had a difficult year and yet is more present and thoughtful and generous than most people, even in the midst of difficulties.  Such grace. . .

If you are not in a bright spot, my wish for you is a safe place to embrace the reality of your situation . . . your season . . . yourself.  The things you are going through right now are part of you, reality and important.  "Your story isn't boring, by the way.  We're only given the one life. . .  they matter.  Maybe only to us, but they matter." ~ Tea Leoni as Gwen in Ghost Town.

One part of my life this year was the death of a friend.  It was not the first time I had lost a friend "too young" - whatever that means.  It will not be the last.  It was not a quick or easy passing.  There are opportunities and possibilities I grieve for her.  I grieve for her husband who had too few years with her.  I grieve for her mother, who never expected to bury her daughter. . . .  so many possibilities for such an amazing person . . .

She continues to inspire me after her death.  She's that kind of a person.  I shared this link on facebook and she responded to it.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJi_7f1cpbk It is an artist she had heard of and loved.  It was a song she had somehow not discovered previously.  Her embrace and enthusiasm of the song really impacted me.  You'd think that she would be just depressed and a mess as she listened to it.  Maybe she was sometimes.  She certainly was justified to feel some self-pity, but I never saw it.  This song seemed to invigorate her.  She believed it with every fiber of her being.

I had listened to it repeatedly before her comments, but afterward . . .  I has become a calming song, rather than a ranting song.  At her funeral, all I wanted to do was hug the people who loved her so much and thank them for what an amazing person they had enabled to be in my life.  I wanted to tell them my selfish reasons for missing her.  Since then, I have thought that I may have finally figured out what's important to do at funerals.  I have attended many in the last 34 years, but this one left me feeling like a better person afterwards.

My goal was not self-congratulations or self-promotion.  My goal was to maintain self-control enough to be a comfort there, rather than add to the grief.  Keeping it together might be accurate as my goal heading in.  However, when I approached her husband, who barely knew me, all I wanted to do was thank him for making my friend so happy.  I did.  He seemed surprised and said, "She made ME happy."  Her mother embraced me so much more strongly than I expected.  Apparently, my friend had talked about the ladies I attended the funeral with and about me, and she felt a connection.  I never knew.  I held her mother, cried with her, rocked her, and told her what an amazing woman she raised and how much I loved having her in my life.  That is honestly what flowed from my heart and my mouth.  She cried even harder, but also smiled.

Oh, to be the kind of person who could inspire this kind of reaction from others after I am gone . . .  it is a new passionate ambition after this experience.  She still inspires me to be a better person.  Even though I miss her and still cry, I like remembering her.  I feel a mix of sadness and pleasure at the memories.  In order to have my Hallmark card moments, I would lose the tears and grief, but I'd also lose the richness and love and inspiration.  Never would I choose such a thing!

There are other sadnesses in our lives that have less inspiration attached to them.  Those take longer to see benefit from, in my experience.  They are still part of me.  Again, I would not trade them.  If I did, I would no longer be the person I have come to like better with passing time.  They were an opportunity and impetus to evolve as a person.  They are valuable, even when they resulted in injuries, pain, or even a necessary chasm.

If you are in a sad season, and you want to embrace that right now, I hope you will.  It's genuine and can be very honorable and healthy.  It doesn't make your holidays a failure.  We are trying to take the opportunity to start some new traditions, and also to do some one-time things this season.  I hope that my friend's family misses her terribly & tells stories about her that make them cry and smile and laugh and wish she were there . . .  Those are very valuable moments.  That is a successful holiday season.

If you are estranged from family, as so many are, I hope you gather some chosen family or new friends and have fun.  One of my favorite traditions was inspired by a casual friend whose family saw a movie on each holiday.  They went in their pajamas, and it was never busy.  I love movies.  We are incorporating more of those into our holidays, and sometimes with new friends.  It feels good.  Different? Yes. Good? Definitely!

Wisdom is knowing that rich experiences are worth so much more than smiles and pretty hollow words.  I wish you an inspirational holiday season.  We celebrate Christmas, so I wish you Merry Christmas, but not in the sense of hollow pretty words.  I hope it is time to reflect, make choices, relax, grow and sink into the moments.  May they be warm ones, happy or otherwise.

Pride and Disappointment - the novel of a mother in gifted circles

Everyone has heard of Pride & Prejudice.  Most have read it more than once.  It's a huge thing in our world.  I know there is plenty of pride within the families of gifted children - both the positive and negative kinds, and I know there is plenty of prejudice coming toward them from outside.

In parenting, I am trying to remind myself of the truths that I want ingrained in my child, as I believe most parents do.  One of the big struggles for me is the reality that we can only control ourselves, and never other people.  We can influence, love, hate, or whatever . . .  We cannot control others.  This has been one of the most difficult things for me to accept as an adult who grew up hearing, "you can be anything," and "you can do anything," as most girls of my generation did.  However, that's not true.  We cannot control others.  So, I am intentional about teaching my girl that she cannot do "anything," but she can make her own choices, including how to react to others.

Along those lines, I decided to focus on our impressions of life from inside our sphere.  Instead of Pride & Prejudice, I land in Pride and Disappointment.

I am immensely proud of my child.  Not only does she work really hard, but she prioritizes her energy and time, and she accomplishes amazing things.  Some things come easily for her.  Others do not.  She gets more joy from the things she has had to work very hard to achieve.  I love that about her.  That is healthy pride.

Does this sound like a typical kid to you?  Me too.  In fact, gifted kids are typical in many ways.  Not everything about them is atypical.

Over the last two or three weeks, I've heard an alarming number of stories of extended families who are not supportive.  This is extremely disappointing.  My grandmother was one of my biggest advocates, even though I was not a typical child.  Years after her death, that is still a source of peace for me.  These children whose grandparents are not supportive will not have that.

That is a loss for the children who could benefit from greater support from extended family - their roots, or family tree, or whatever you'd like to call it.  However, I'd argue that it's a bigger loss for the adults involved.  The children have never known a different situation.  The adults, however, have a different level of awareness, and a poignant feeling of loss.  Worst yet are the people who are missing out on these incredible children (since every child is amazing), and they don't even feel the loss.  I pity those people.

Is this a societal pattern?  Maybe.  Probably.  I don't know, and as usual, don't care to do the research.  However, I wonder if it's more prevalent in atypical circles.  Logically, it makes sense, and I have noticed that pattern recently.

Think about the incredible people throughout history that we know.  Mozart died in poverty, and yet, he is still well-known today.  Most famous artists lived in relative to extreme poverty and their artwork was recognized and increased exponentially in value only after they died.  Einstein struggled in school before coming up with concepts that still bewilder many today.  Did they have an easy life?  I imagine not.

Here's another angle to consider.  People in gifted circles are famously (or infamously) quirky and often lacking social skills because they do not operate and interact in the common way.  They learn to cope.  Musicians and artists are stereotyped to be riddled with unhealthy behaviors: alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.  Maybe they are unhappy because of a perceived lack of support and are coping (unwisely).  Maybe.

So, I've been wondering about the pattern of insufficiently supportive extended families in atypical circles.  I have repeatedly mentioned my belief that these atypicalities are genetic neurological differences. Is that something that supports a pattern of difficulty or inability to have healthy family relationships?  Does that make it more difficult for the various members of an extended family to cope similarly and understand one another effectively?  Maybe.  Probably.

When I think of it this way I am still stuck in disappointment.  However, it doesn't lend itself toward anger aimed at individuals, but sorrow in a situation.  That might be my healthiest reaction for now.  I hope that my choices are decent ones, and that they will lead to the greatest possibility of hope for the future, as well as the greatest potential happiness for everyone involved.

As the holidays approach, I wish you a season filled with love.  I wish you a season filled with support and happiness.  If your family is a source for this, soak that up.  If not, I challenge you to recognize that my new friend N is very wise in saying, "family is the people who love you."  Gifts?  Whatever.  They are fun, and we exchanged them.  However, they do not bring happiness, especially the lasting kind.  M shared with me that St Nicholas Day is her favorite holiday.  Clearly, the larger gifts exchanged on Christmas are not as meaningful to her.  I am so glad for her.  It is one more hurdle that, at least for now, she need not jump on her track happiness.  Peace & love to you.

The difficult childhood of the incredible adult: Helene Girmaud & Living with Intensity

Living with Intensity is a book I have mentioned before.

Chapter one opens with an exerpt from the memoirs of Helene Grimaud entitled Wild Harmonies: A life of Music and Wolves.  Her adult life has been that of a conert pianist.  She also created a Wolf Conservation Center.  I admire someone who has been able to significantly pursue and affect multiple areas of passion in life and hope to be included in that group throughout my life.

She is used as an example of the assertion that "The emotional intensity and high level of energy of a gifted child cannot be ignored. . . . [They] take in information from the world around them; they react and respond more quickly and intensely than other children. . . . Their excitement is viewed as excessive, their high energy as hyperactivity, their persistence as nagging, their questioning as undermining authority, their imagination as not paying attention, their passion as being disruptive, their strong emotions and sensitivity as immaturity, their creativity and self-directdeness as oppositional."  In the case of Helene Girmaud, I challenge you to find a moving musician who is not an emotional person.  If they were not emotional, how could they move us with their performance?  You must understand and experience emotions in order to communicate them well, through music or other language.

Our childhood can set the stage of our emotional life.  As we are discovering and categorizing and learning, we are grasping to understand our place in this world we are exploring.  An extreme example is abusive generational patterns.  What we see as children, we assume is normal.  This is also true of the feedback we receive about ourselves, from those who know us and those who do not, as well as in our own minds as we compare ourselves to others.  Helene's memoirs indicate that she heard a vary large number of negative adjectives aimed her direction, and yet, she accomplished so much and affected so many . . .

Here's another quote from Living with Itensity.  "It is of course unfortunate that something exceptional, something that is outside of the norm, is often looked upon as being abnormal, and that 'abnormal' usually means annoying or bad, where as 'normal means mostly acceptable or good.  We forget that these notions come from a stasticial convention, the bell curve, which does not tell us what is goo and what is bad."

And so, by page 4, I am completely sold and MUST continue reading.  I only hope not to lose too much sleep over the next few days.  Have you read it, yet?  If not, and this sounds familiar or just intriguing, you should.  If you have already enjoyed this USA Book News Best Books Award Finalist, what is your favorite or most moving part?

Gifted kids struggle with school, and so do their parents

Check out this video before reading this post, please.
http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/family-life/camera-shows-dad-wailing-with-joy-at-sons-math-grade.html

If you read the text along with it, you'll see that the boy taping it was failing math a year ago, and has just passed it . . . forever.  He seems ecstatic, probably to be done with math, but also to tell his dad.

He looks to be an age where stereotypically, kids are supposed to flee from their parents, and boys are supposed to be macho.  Yet, he has an exuberant smile, sets up a camera, and basks in the emotional response of his father.  He enthusiastically returns the hugs (did he initiate the one when his dad first starts crying?) and allows his head to be kissed.  Judging by his expression ending the video, I'm guessing he intends to revel in his father's joy over and over again.

I watched it twice.  I'm still teared up.  I might have to watch it a third time right now to answer my own question.  As I watch, I experience it differently from the boy.

As a parent, I see palpable relief and pride in the father's reaction.  He goes from excitement, to release of tension, to pride and love for his son . . . and on to a more subdued recapitulation of the whole experience.  It is over.  All of the hard work is done.  It paid off.  All of the worry about the emotions and journey of his child is over, at least for this particular subject.  Isn't that parenting? "You're set for life," he tells his son.

In a matter of months, I lost count of how many people told us that educating our daughter must be easy.  The assumption was that being gifted is as simple as being smart.  Along with that go the assumptions that the gifted are quick to learn, quick to read, early in everything they do and high achievers.  Let me attest to the fact that gifted children are just as complicated as the rest of the population.  They fail things.  They struggle.  They have to work hard.  All of the difficult things that can happen to other children, can happen to gifted kids.  If you don't believe me, do an online search for nobel prize winners that struggled in school.

Our personal experience has been a mix of easy and hard, just like the rest of the population.  It took me only a few weeks to give up trying to explain this to people.  Instead, I got flabbergasted expressions when I simply answered a straightforward and straight-faced, "No, it's not."  With people I trust, and in the privacy of solitude, I would rage at the ridiculousness of anyone having the impertinence to not only assume, but state boldly, "that must be easy."  I've gained a small degree of calm on this topic over the years, and now believe that these people must see the world as black and white.  While I sometimes think "ignorance is bliss" with wistfulness, I would not give up the gorgeous color and texture of our complex world for that delusion of simplicity.  If that means I'm guilty of snobbery, calling people ignorant, so be it.  They certainly are ignorant of our situation.  I think it as likely that I'm guilty of bitterness and the anger that can come with that.

I have seen my daughter get as excited as the boy in that link.  She has done so many amazing things in her few years.  However, the things that really get her excited like that are not often the ones that have a lot of pomp and circumstance.  The biggest joy that our family experiences is in moments like those in that video.  They are the moments where we have accomplished something hard-won.  The tears of relief and joy my husband and I cry with our daughter are reminiscent of the tears we secretly cried during the struggle and hard work, except that those tears were hidden from her most of the time.

I want to make sure you catch this.  The boy got a C.

He and his father set a reasonable goal, made it, and both guys were emotional about that.  How many parents would get mad about the fail?  How many kids and parents would say, "Do the best you can," or "Aim for a B," or any number of other things that might be less . . . .  what word to use?  I think I like leaving it at less.  This dad said "If you can get a C, you can do anything."  That's a cool dad.  He inspires me to be a better parent.  That man is inspiring so many people with his loving reaction to a C, gone viral via his son's recording.

Growing up, I was very much an overachiever.  However, I cannot ever remember my parents getting that excited.  It wasn't that they didn't care, but they would never have reacted like the father in the video.  I'm not sure if I could throw off my reserve enough to be that cool, either.  However, my husband is, and I am learning.

It reminds me of another article that I read recently about the importance and power of saying, "I love to watch you _____."  Those are powerful words, and I'm intentionally including them in my parenting.  Maybe it's a homeschooling by-product, but teaching and correcting come all too easily.  Instead, I'm intentionally saying, "I love to see you having fun."  Taking the performance out of it clears the path for happiness and simply enjoying the experience.

My daughter is teaching me enthusiasm and encouragement, as well.  She gets more excited for me than I do for myself, and that is a beautiful thing.  It's also a parallel.  I sometimes think my reaction to her getting past a hurtle is bigger than hers, at least inside.  We are teaching each other.

I hope that we will continue to share the richness of life as this father and son appear to.  And yes, we celebrate C's.  She is no more or less gifted because of a label in the form of a grade.  Besdies, my high grades did little for me over the long run.  They are not currency for happiness, and they were not required for the goals that make me happy.  If you need grades and degrees to achieve your goals, and those goals make you happy, work for those grades!  In my case, they were like a cheap pastic trophy - you know the kind, where the screw won't even get tight enough to keep the metallic-painted person facing forward.  That kind of award makes us try and remember why we wanted it so badly, and it demotivates as opposed to motivates our future endeavors.

I won't say that I wish struggles on you.  However, you will and do have them.  So, I will hope that your experiences following the struggles are as wonderful and rich as those in this video.  There is a chorus that just jumped into my head, recorded by Warren Barfield.  "Love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for."  May your enjoyment be amplified by the effort it took to achieve it.

Calvin & Hobbes defines gifted kids?

I love this.  So true.

http://www.byrdseed.com/calvin/

Define Homeschooler

I ran across this on facebook and had to share it.  I hear so many people react with strong impressions about what homeschooling is.  This was fun.

http://www.quickstarthomeschool.com/2013/10/misconceptions-about-homeschoolers-are-we-really-who-you-think-we-are/

free massage leads to the gifted community

I recently attended a fundraiser crafting day.  If you have not attended one, they are fabulous!  You are not a crafter, you say?  Go anyway!  I have a friend who attended a weekend crafting retreat with us and does not craft.  It was a success for her.   She relaxed, got away, and chatted with friends.  If you are a crafter, it's a great way to get some uninterrupted time, with space to spread out in many cases, and a much smaller likelihood that children will demand your attention and interrupt the process every five minutes.  I digress.

At the most recent event, I spent several hours enjoying the food that came with my ridiculously low all-day fee, and did not begin any "work" until after lunchtime.  Between lunch and crafting, I was ushered back to a room for a free mini massage.  In this case, a local chiropractic group was supporting the charitable group by offering these free of charg, a mini consultation for a small fee, and whatever next step you wanted to take.  Everyone wins.

I happen to have a chiropractor, so I was not interested in that.  However, I am not one to turn down having my shoulders rubbed!  A few women I regularly attend these things with were there, but not in the massage room.  As usual, within a few questions, I was led into that water where I wonder how much to reveal about our alternative educational situation.

Maybe I was just relaxed because I was in a massage chair, but I decided to say a little.  I keep hearing how unusual our situation is, but am having increasing trouble believing that.  This was another of those situations.  A professional in the same office has a son who is twice exceptional, I was told.  They were waiting until the school would do giftedness assessment, etc.  If you're in the gifted circles for very long, you hear the same general story over and over.    This was in a part of town where there is very little support evident.  We live in a pretty large area, but pockets of it offer far more support for families like ours.  So, I asked if the mother was finding resources and help.  "No," was the immediate and simple response.

Obviously, the woman was having a very difficult time.  Remember, this was her colleague I was talking to.  I offered a few groups to look into and get more information.  I was given a longer mini massage while we talked about our experience with M, and I was requested to leave my contact info and any additional information I would be willing to share.  I covered the back of 2 letter-sized sheets.  I'm sure you're surprised if this isn't your first time visiting this blog ;)

It got even better.  Another crafter I had not met previously asked me what I was up to, and I reluctantly told her a little.  She was sympathetic and supportive immediately!  I get so prepared for the less helpful responses, that this was a very pleasant surprise.  When I finally returned to the tables, my friend asked if I got lost, so I told her what had happened in a brief statement.  She was enthusiastic about what a great thing it was that we had connected in that way.  What a wonderful relief to be myself outside the sphere of our uniqueness and received such support and encouragement!

Quite a while ago, my husband and I were going through some difficult things unrelated to this blog's subject, in general.  We felt all alone.  We were afraid to share what we were going through, even with good friends.  We were paranoid about how others might interpret what we said.

When we dared to speak, we learned that we were far from alone, and that others had remained silent for the same reasons.  We found healing, support, and deeper relationships very quickly by opening up.  At that point, we decided that people around us would not go through the same things believing themselves to be alone.  That has become a major theme in my life - almost a mission.  It takes courage to be different.  Ironically, only in being bold do you learn how many people share the things that make you feel isolated.  This effectively negates the boldness originally needed.  I'm going to need to think about that more.

I want every child and every family to find educational and social solutions that work for them.  That is my genuine desire.  I care very little if they are the same answers that we have found.  Well . . .  for those who I really like, I want you to make the same decisions as us so we get to see more of you, but those are reserved for the situations that make me feel like a little kid in a variety of ways.  Seriously, though, I want people to find their path.  I encourage you to take risks, small at first, and feel emboldened with every connection you find through that courage.  Then, you end up becoming the person who others feel blessed to have benefited from your boldness.  The process will continue, just like paying it forward.

Embrace your differences!  I am so glad we do not live in a world of paper doll garland people.  Did you ever cut those?  Every one of them is alike; you cut them from folded paper which makes them identical.  They are as bland as restroom sign profiles of men and women . . . even more bland - the bathroom sign people have branched out, for which I am grateful.

Think about your favorite people.  Are they just like you?  Mine are not.  Do they have important, deep, or exciting things in common with you?  Mine do.  If they were just like you in every way, would they be exciting?  My answer would have to be no.  When your parents said, "I hope you have kids just like you," was it to wish you peace and joy in that moment?  The things that drive me crazy in my daughter are often the things we have in common.  The things that excite me about her are the things that are different.  With this in mind, why are we so quick to try and be just like everyone else in the paper doll chain?

Wishing you a fabulous Fall week ahead, filled with comforting seasonal smells, tastes and sights.  Even the changing of seasons is something msot of us desire.  There's that theme again . . .  different is good.

What the ______? Light therapy and reading, oh my!

I mentioned vision therapy in my post about giftedness being bad for your health.  Light therapy has been a part of that experience for us.  Overall, vision therapy has been wonderful, fast, effective, and a great blessing.  This post, however . . .  will take some explaining.

Worksheets were never a problem.  Well, not in terms of having enough of them to keep M busy.  Not since preschool when they were just for fun.  She chose sticker books that made me feel like a lunatic even mentioning multiplication to my daughter because she would rather do a math homeschooling book than coloring.  For us, they were her version of coloring books, even though I tried not to let too many people see what my small child was doing too closely.  We still were convinced that she was just like every other child out there, with the exception of loving math.  We were still putting most of our thought into which schools we might consider for her.  The days of loving math are past, as are most of our hopes of using schools before college, as well as the days of us being blissfully ignorant.  Or, at least, comfortably ignorant.

She still gets excited about worksheets.  However, the consistent pattern is that she starts it excitedly, usually after asking if she can "start yet" several times.  After beginning, they are inevitably less fun than she expects and she lapses into resigned execution of the homeschool assignments.

Reading material presents a significant challenge for us.  So many people we encounter have children who read very early, but that was never us.  In fact, a mother in our girl scout troop had me traumatized that my mother had not started me reading before Kindergarten.  My mother had been a teacher, which made the offense more severe in her eyes.  I went home wounded that day and asked my mother if I was behind because I didn't know how to read.  My mother calmly told me that she knew I would have no trouble reading, and said that she hadn't taught me because I hadn't shown interest.  She asked me if I wanted to learn, and I admit to her that I didn't.  I went on to become an avid reader and do quite well in school.  My mother was certainly right about that.

Reading progressed the same way in our parenting.  We put on Leap Frog DVDs (as opposed to my childhood Sesame Street time) and got learning toys and games, along with purely entertaining toys and games that imparted some level of education.  However, we never talked about, worried about, or even put much thought into reading.  At a Kindergarten conference, her teacher told us it was time to get her some level readers.  

My superior intelligence was evident in my response.  "Oh, OK.  What are level readers?"  The teacher kindly & patiently explained, showing me examples, and recommending Barnes & Noble.  I nodded and went to Half Price Books the next day for a good long perusal of the kids section, ending in the clearance rack.  I purchased the levels her teacher had recommended and a few more.  I figured that planning ahead and shopping the clearnace section would be good for our budget.  I also picked up a Spongebob Chapter book for my friend's son, who hated reading at the time.

That night, after I brought M home from school, she asked what I had, so I showed her.  She was convinced that she did not know how to read, and was resistant to the pile, even though several of them were obviously about things that interested her.  I asked her to grab a board book - any board book, and joined her for some reading time on her bed.  She repeated that she couldn't read.  I told her to read only what she recognized, like the sight words from school, and told her I would read the rest of them for her.  She needed me to read exactly one word.  Then, she got excited and grabbed another board book, which she did not need any help with.  

Suddenly, the level readers were a hit!  I was feeling like a good mom and continued sorting and doing my thing while she read the Level 1 pile.  Then, I got wary as she came back to get the level 2 readers. Was she actually reading them?  Did she understand?  Was she just looking at the pictures?  I asked her some questions when she brought the finished pile of Level 2 readers back to me.  I had not yet moved.  She had read them.  She had understood them.  I now understood something, too.  I was in trouble.

She went through every book that first night.  In fact, she came back looking for more and only saw the Spongebob chapter book.  She asked who that was for and I told her.  She shyly outed asking why she couldn't read it.  "Of course you could, honey, but it's harder than the other ones I bought because he's older than you are.  It's harder than the ones your teacher recommended, and I think it might frustrate you.  It would probably take a long time."  She stood there silently in response.  I handed her the book, and she completed that one, as well.

OK, Spongebob Squarepants is not Shakespeare, I realize.  However, we had started the day hearing that she couldn't read, and ended it with her reading a chapter book.  Even though Spongebob Squarepants was the subject, I knew I was in trouble.  I went to a different Half Price Books the next day, again getting a variety of levels.  

Within a week, M told me her teacher had noticed her improvement and was going to have her do a test the next day to see if she could join a different reading group - it was named after a color, maybe purple.  M was excited about it, and I had not mentioned a thing to the teacher, so I was impressed that she had noticed so quickly.  M passed her test and was accepted into the other group.  I knew she had improved and figured it was a more advanced group, but never intended to ask.  I was just glad my girl was enjoying reading.

The staff knew me a bit.  We were out of district, so I drove every day both ways.  I also volunteered because my work schedule often left me available during the school day.  The next week, the teacher commented on her reading.  I told her how excited M had been about the purple reading group and thanked her for making M so happy.  The teacher told me she had moved her right into the top group because she had improved so quickly; that had meant some catch-up work in a book they had been reading, but she had taken on the challenge and done very well.

For the last year or so, M would read hundreds of pages per day without provocation or reminder.  She read Shakespeare (a kids' edition - appropriate content and level is a whole other conversation) and laughed about the Roman mob when Caesar died.  The mob seriously cracked her up.  She has taken in enough to have an intelligent remark to make in a group of adults discussing the role and change of Christianity in governing powers, adding that Constantine was only baptized right before he died.  I never knew that until this week when my little girl told me.  And yes, she is still pretty little.

This Fall has been a challenging one.  Here's the perspective, now that we're (hopefully) on the other side of some of it.  She was reading about 10 pages a day, and only with nagging.  Thsi went on for weeks.  We had to implement consequences and discipline around it.  This is not like my child.  I had no idea what to do about this.  Our entire homeschool plan has had exactly one constant - the kid loves to read and learns well by reading.  Suddenly, she was not reading.  Apparently, I was in trouble again.

My husband wondered if the books were too hard after reading some aloud to her.  He's a very intelligent guy, but period language and accents throw him.  He did not know that she had already completed 2-3 books in a series with that same language, style and character without slowing.  I worried that we didn't give her enough time off this summer.  It was the first summer she wanted time off.  It was also the first summer I was prepared to deal with the volume of material she typically wants, so this took some adapting and compromise.

She's been in vision therapy, but hundreds of pages down to single-digits was a bit too much for me to attribute to that.  Kids put things off and choose to disobey.  While I know that, this had NOT EVER been true of our child.  In the movie, the Sandlot, wasn't it Smalls whose mother told him to go get in trouble?  Our daughter is like that.

Finally, I talked to her vision therapist about it.  K assured me that as the vision system is realligning and adapting, most kids need a scaled back workload.  I agreed and told her I had adapted her daily reading assignment to about 50-60 pages per day, and told her the previous and current reading speeds.  It relieved me to see her jaw drop.  Maybe it seems premature, but I have so much faith in the theapist that I just knew we had turned a corner with that jaw drop.  In a few questions and less than half an hour, we understood each other and had a common goal.

Here's what I learned, in a nutshell.  We were in the middle of light therapy, which expands peripheral vision.  My girl is intense and extreme, like her mother (and her father too - shhh!).  Apparently, slowing of reading is very common, but the extent was quite uncommon.  At the same time, her peripheral field had opened very quickly.  The pros and cons were both extreme.

Light therapy also can affect the entire nervous system.  That makes sense to me, and I even expected it.  It involved 20 minutes per day of looking at a special light with a colored filter in it.  Some families report behavioral changes.  Boom.  I got it.  This was not my child, actually.  It was directly related, but I had not expected all the side effects nor the extent their impact on our daily lives.

The good news is that things go back to their original quick pace, and should within weeks for M.  Some of her other "resets" have happened extremely quickly, and I have already noticed an increase in her speed since that conversation.  Her therapist gave her some things to think about and try as she was doing light therapy & schoolwork during that time, which also helped.  Everything is not back to normal, but understanding it makes all the difference.  

Imagine being born and going through life with blinders on, as if you were a horse.  Then, imagine having them removed, having never experienced site without them.  That is just the physical visual experience M went through with this over a very short period of time.   Now, I understand more about the internal journey as well.

Adults who are gifted & find out because of children

I've noticed a trend that doesn't get a lot of press.  In fact, it gets even less discussion than gifted kids and their educational needs.  That is the topic of gifted adults.

People who have read through this blog may have seen my mention of how I accredited M's intelligence to her father, only to hear that it's hereditary and people stastically marry within 5 IQ points of their own.  Sure, I was in advanced classes in school, but never considered myself to be outside of the normal spectrum.

Here's the problem with that.  As I learn more about my daughter, I learn more about myself.  For instance, having to repeat myself makes me unreasonably angry more quickly than it does other people.  This fits within giftedness.  It's the same as a child's inability to tolerate the number of repetitions in the public school.

Most adults who are gifted, simply think they are strange, or a nerd, or different, or socially awkward . . .  pick a reason, and someone has boiled it down to that, I'm sure.  This stops people from understanding themselves fully or being comfortable with themselves or finding others who accept them as they are.  This is something I have mentioned about children, but it applies to adults, as well.

One gifted woman I felt drawn to over the last few years is R.  She is married to an obviously brilliant man.  She has a son who is obviously highly gifted.  She knows my daughter and did not believe me when I first told her my observations, aside from those related to her husband.

After a while, she experiences some of the terrors (AKA gifts) of mothering a gifted child and started to acknowledge that aspect of her child.  She still refused to believe that she is gifted.  I refused to let her lack of agreement change my opinion ;)

After more months passed, she ran across some reading about people who are highly gifted and have the other label that R does.  She acknowledged that her earlier reading about the other label has only ever fit partially.  She didn't see the descriptions of highly gifted individuals as a good fit either.  However, when she read about people with both, it fits her perfectly.

Through this, she is better able to understand her methods of interacting with those around her, including her gifted child.  It gives her resources and explanation of some of the quirks that are part of her world.  It gives her more of a framework for understanding herself.  It's freeing.

Another example I ran across is actually the vision therapy doctor that my daughter sees.  This woman is so obviously gifted that when we were having a conversation, I honestly thought she was kidding when she said she didn't think she was gifted.  I scoffed, thinking we were bantering and assured her she was.  I honestly forgot about it.

A couple of weeks later, she timidly asked me into her office, referring to something I had said.  I got a bit nervous, hoping I hadn't offended her unintentionally, and I was a bit bewildered.  Once inside her office, she lowered her voice and thanked me for telling her that she is gifted.  She had already read a few books and said she learned that I was right.  Duh!  Seriously, that might have come out of my mouth, but I'm not sure.  The reason she asked me into her office was to thank me and ask for more information to digest and learn about this aspect of herself.  She also told me that she now understands why she interacts with her husband the way that she does.   It's amazing how much of our lives this wiring difference affects!

I also think these two women are great examples of how highly gifted people are not people who think they are better than anyone else.  Neither of them assumed they were gifted.  They both felt different, but in ways that made them self-conscious to one degree or another.  The difference is how they are wired, and how their brains process things.  They did not grow up hearing they were gifted.  Theyt did not believe they were better than anyone else.  They are simply different and never knew how to describe it before.  Now that they understand it, they are ravenous for information about it.

I am lucky to have found so many people who tolerate or even celebrate the ways that I and my family are quirky and different.  Understanding and connection are key ingredients to a happy, fulfilled life!

So how is your school year going? Please don't ask.

I've been getting this question a lot.  Kids get it a lot when they are in school.  Teachers, too.  As a homeschooler, we qualify for that special group.  We get the question.  I dread the question.

My daughter is always listening when I am asked, and that is why I dread it.  I want to remain positive.  I want to be the good mom.  If I'm honest, I also want to be the supermom who can do it all and do it all well.  However, that is not my reality.  I don't think it has ever been my reality and it probably never will be.  I humor myself by supposing that those who look like supermom are just pretending.

Here's the answer.  This year has been hard.  It has been very hard.  There have more days this year that I have irrationally invented a world where school works well for my child and started considering our options in this fantasy world, where the sky just happens to be purple.

I have also been battling retail therapy.  Most of my friends will vouch for me as a cheap person.  I really am.  However, retail therapy has been calling me, and it has a melodious voice and looks like clothes that will be soft and make me look my best, all while distracting me from the fact that M is laying on the ground staring into the hamster cage despite the fact that it is late Thursday and she has read 20 pages of her assignment with 100 left to go.  I will not yell . . .  well, not again.  OK, so not again today, at least.

All of this makes me feel imprisoned sometimes, which is another irrational adventure in my world.  We have classes and coop and lessons.  I have friends who meet me for coffee or come over and talk about menu planning, etc.  However, when I feel like nagging is the price I have to pay for progress, I feel as if I cannot do my own thing.  At all.  Ever.  It is irrational, but still aggravating.

Honestly, I asked my husband to work from home tomorrow so he can be the nag while I fulfill some retail therapy and go shopping.  I wish I were kidding.  Is there a way to make this seem productive, supermoms?

I hope you are having a great start to the school year, and that your children are more motivated than mine at the present.

Awkward encounters of the innumerable kind

Recently, we joined another homeschool group.  This one is not specifically aimed at gifted kids, which means it has a more awkward beginning.

I'm picturing sneers and judgemental parents with expressions that say, "You think your kid is better than my kid?!"

NO!!!!!!  A million times.  no.

That is why it is awkward.  That is why we filter - see the post about filtering and gambling for more on that.  Actually, that topic shows up all over the place on this blog, so close your eyes and pick.

In a recent conversation with a teacher who has taught within the gifted circles and was also teaching in the general homeschool circles, I was reminded that there is a grain of truth in every stereotype.  This particular teacher was guarded with me at first, but entered into a productive conversation about how there are examples where it is clear that some parents within gifted circles have big heads.  I reminded this teacher of the obvious truth that there are people outside of gifted circles with big heads, also.

He said it was refreshing when someone was gifted and humble at the same time.  He seemed intentionally vague about whether or not he meant me, but I don't care.  I pointed to my child nearby and told him that she was that refreshing example, and I didn't want that to change.  I told him those were my absolute favorite kind of people, and his expression softened.

I would like to suggest that meeting these people happens far more often than people think.  Joining this new group gave me another poignant example, and it happened while I met another parent of a gifted child.  Isn't it interesting that three mothers of gifted children were all talking and not one of them was pompous or even quick to talk about their unusual circumstances?  Zero for three.

This is how it evolved.

I walked in and saw a girl from a coop we are both in.  She started chatting with another girl, and it was obvious to all that these girls are going to have a lot of fun together, even though they had just met.

I was gathering information at a table when the mother of the second girl introduced herself to me.  This mother, like most homeschool parents I have met, was anxious for information and excited about resources available in this adventure.  As we talked, the uniqueness of our children came up.  I was intentionally evasive, wanting to be known for who we are and not our labels.  The other mother respected that.

As we talked, it became clear that this new mom was motivated to find more resources, such as another coop.  The mother I already knew joined the conversation, and it was clear that we all were going through a similar journey.

I changed my mind and told her exactly what our special concerns are, and what our other coop is all about.  I thought she was going to jump out of her skin with excitement.  She had been looking for something like that for her daughter, as gifted kids have a very complex social journey.  Her excitement at meeting 2 families in this place who share so many similarities was palpable.

Humble gifted people want to be included outside gifted circles, and are hesitant to point out differences.  They have past experience of being judged based on stigmas about giftedness.  This new mother had experienced the same things and had been hesitant to share her information to me, as well.  She had the same reasons.  She simply wasn't connected with the same resources and support network . . . not yet.  Today, she is.

In this case, those who are very loudly trying to perpetuate awareness and understanding for giftedness have had the opposite effect.  It is very difficult to locate other gifted families in the general population unless you have a lot of information.  We tend to not talk about it.  We are isolated by the stigmas.  Our children are isolated by the stigmas.  See the post They get Lonely and Hurt and So Do Their Kids for more on that.

Very small can be a description of my character at times.  I'm not proud of that, but it's true.  I get very jealous of parents who can test the waters of a potential playdate friend by talking openly about interests and quirks, such as loving dance, being gaga over a particular band, or wearing only one color.  My daughter's intensities are not about a typical hobby or activity, and she does not have a favorite color.  The things that make her uniquely her are things that often get us both judged unfairly.  For more on my struggles with envy, see the post on Envy and Snobbery.

It IS unfair, as my daughter feels that she is no better than anyone.  I told her that unfortunately, people sometimes assume that's what we think when we talk about giftedness.  She said, "I don't feel that way at all!  In fact, I feel the opposite!"  I had to stop her there and tell her I didn't want her to feel the opposite.  She wasn't less important than anyone else, either.  "God loves everyone the same.  Everyone is equally important," she said.  I agreed.  This is not a mantra she got from me.  It is her belief and her own mantra.

Today, I'm feeling blessed as I reflect on meeting our new friends.  I am thankful that we were able to talk about the similarities in our families, and I hope we can all enhance the support each family and individual feels through the connections.  It also makes me laugh when I remember how awkward it all was.

Here's hoping your day and life is full of individuals that make you feel comfortable being your true self, support you, and share the adventures life bring to all of you.  Life is richer connected.

What to do and why to do it when it's hard

I haven't posted much for the past couple of weeks.  I have been grumpy.  It has been really hard.  Today, someone posted this link on fb suggesting it for everyone going through something hard.  I'm guessing that's pretty much everyone.  It's quick, so check it out if you're intrigued.

http://awakemysoulblog.com/2013/09/02/maybe-we-can/#comment-1870

As I read that, I remembered a couple of people I used to see regularly when walking or biking the beautiful paths around our home.  We would walk it really slowly when I was pregnant, and I had very difficult pregnancies.  It was a way my husband would show me support through those hard times.

When M was small, I would walk it with her in the stroller.  On the hard days, I would sometimes cry (yes, in public) as I walked.  It's not heavily populated on those trails, especially at the times I walk them.  Some people were concerned about me.  A few would ask if I was OK.  Most ignored it, looking uncomfortable.

The two people I saw most often when I was on these walks never saw me cry.  They inspired me the same way the man in the blog inspires the writer above.  One of them called himself "sticks" due to his two metal sticks with braces that enabled him to walk by carrying most of his weight with his arms.  The other was nicknamed "curly" - Sticks told me this nickname, and I never asked why or saw any hair, as he was always in a hat.  However, he rode a motorized scooter and had oxygen with him and on him at all times.  I haven't seen either of them in years.  I can only assume that they moved somewhere else or have passed on, as they were both at an advanced age.

They were both cheerful and friendly.  Always.  They were probably the most caring people I encountered on those walks and bike rides.  Today, I find it awe-inspiring that the people who had the most obvious physical struggles were consistently friendly and present to the community.  Those of us who were grumpy and wrapped up in our own problems really could and SHOULD learn from them.

Today is about the second day in a few weeks that this reluctant homeschooler has had hope and felt successful in my current adventure.  It is my marathon.  It is an emotional, intellectual, logistical and psychological marathon.  I have chronic health issues that are my physical marathon, as well.

Yet, as the author of that blog, as well as Steve Wiens (The Actual Pastor is his blog, and I have cited is, as does the blog author cited in this post) have realized that others have their own challenges to deal with and are doing something wonderful and tangible to raise awareness and funds for the cause.  I would encourage you to check out both & consider supporting their efforts financially, at least.  In our country, the financial support tends to be the easier part.

Maybe I can.  This is a statement that has been used to help people consider how they can make a difference, and it's spreading.  As soon as I read it, I got scared.  Does that ever happen to you?  I was scared not because anyone was directly pressuring me, but because I knew it would change me and challenge me for an undefined amount of time, and I knew that those things would probably not be a day at a spa, or eating more ice cream.

I'm looking for inspiration from others.  I will not be doing a lot of running, but am incredibly proud of Steve for running the Grand Canyon this month for such a wonderful cause - search Rim to Rim and Steve Wiens for more info on that.  You can also look for tweets on lunacy if that fits you better.

Cancer haunts me, so I am not chemically treating my hair and growing it out to donate a ponytail for cancer wigs.  That is my wimpy way of doing something tangible, but it will be a small, daily struggle for me.  I was inspired by a friend who never gets a haircut except to donate a ponytail for a cancer wig.  I am committing to do it once.   Anyone want to do this with me and symbolically donate a full wig?  The number of ponytails required is stated as a different number in different places.  The more ponytails, the more wigs is a fact.

I am considering some other, crazier tangible adventures in an effort to love others.  Love is a verb.  It requires doing.  I'm not ready to commit to them by elaborating here.  Not yet.

If you've followed this blog, you know about our unusual parenting situation and some of the things that are included in that.  Along those lines, I have found a number of ways to try and reach out and support others who are in parallel adventures.  Why do we do this?  Our family does because it is the best solution for M.  I know many other families who do something similar for the same reason.  I am actively looking for ways to make it less of a marathon for my entire family, as well as other families who might benefit and keep their natural hair color longer.

What are your struggles?  What potential action makes you a bit nauseated to consider?  Maybe you can.  Believe it or not, I actually studied marketing at a respected business university.  I know it's hard to believe after that sales pitch!

If you have ideas, I'd love to hear them.  I promise to pray for you and your adventure if you share it with me.  I know at least one other person who reads this will do the same.  You just might inspire someone else.

Update/Post Script:
Rim To Rim raised enough funds to save 57 "women" (teenagers seems a more appropriate term to me) from sex trafficking.  Way to go, Steve!  Way to go everyone involved!

Somber summer reflections . . . Entering Fall hesitantly . . .

I must admit it has been a difficult summer for my family.

We tried to move, but will be remaining here.  Maintaining the house is more involved than we'd like.  We are unpacking boxes even though we did not move.  However, we were able to simplify things, thin out many things in our home, and make some adjustments that are quite positive.

We tried a new gifted summer school program, and found that the teacher of M's favorite subjects is . . . not acceptable to us as a teacher.

We tried to schedule more playdates and agreed to drive more often in order to facilitate socialization for M.  One set of weekly playdates we attended not once.  Two other families we wanted to see weekly or as often as possible, we have seen about four times total.  That's not each family four times, but four times total between the two families.

However, we have been more successful in planning social opportunities with families that live closer to our current location, as opposed to years past.  We also met a few other families in this area that we plan or hope to see more often.  One of those we will see again this coming weekend, and it is a delight to have them in our lives.  Also, I have personally been more successful in making plans with friends and getting adult conversation more often than in the past.

We hoped to be closer to the Fall activities we will be involved in.  However, we were able to put those things close together in order to minimize driving.

Fall allergies have hit, and in our home this makes interactions more strained all around.  Combine that with the disappointments of the summer, and I am feeling quite a bit of trepidation.  M is usually a very agreeable, happy person.  However, she has been argumentative, stubborn, and downright rude.  I have been grumpy, unmotivated, and feeling under appreciated as a reluctant homeschooler.

As I hear it, most children are argumentative.  In the case of highly gifted children, it's like an intense negotiation.  When they have intensities, the revelation that they are the child and do not get a vote in every decision doesn't always end the tension.

I know I am not alone in this, and had the pleasure of  exactly one bright spot in my day today of visiting with a homeschool friend who is one of those people I intensely like even though I have not known her long.  As we were chatting, I witnessed that she has similar situations in her home, and just knowing that I am not alone is helpful.  In a strange way, knowing that we have similar challenges, and hearing her insightful perspective on those interactions - how they help her understand the perspective of her children and how they are different from her own - helped neutralize the emotion that was running rampant within me even before lunch today.

I must hope that the new structure will be helpful to all.  I will continue to meet with a dear friend and plan menus and exercise, as well as trying to implement a new approach at home that is intended to take the stress out of the mother-daughter relationship.  If you pray, I'd appreciate your prayers.  I will also need to dedicate myself to more frequent exercise for the sake of all.

Hope your summer is ending with lots of fun, and that your Fall is full of things that you are pleasantly anticipating.

Inspiration can look like danger

This week has been full of amazing things for me.  I feel overwhelmed, scared, excited, fulfilled, overwhelmed and more.  That's what just-before-school looks like for me . . . and other times, I'll admit.

Earlier this week, I got a call from someone I haven't known long.  However, the family is the kind that you care about an awful lot right away.  The mother is an amazing, inspiring person, and tends to be quite business-like in her approach.  She's not cold or mechanical, but business-like as opposed to emotional or breezy.  They are very strong Christians who live in the world, as opposed to next to it.

When I answered the phone, I could tell she had tears and she struggled to find words.  This is something I had not experienced with her.  It turned out, we had another shared experience, and she was simply overwhelmed with it.  She was in tears of relief, she said.  I was right there with her, and my daughter entered into the emotion of the event, as well.

Then, this blog post inspired me.

http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/08/13/rim-to-rim-for-eyes-that-see/?utm_content=bufferf6308&utm_source=buffer&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=Buffer

Wow!  Just wow!

Then, this one did.

http://www.blogher.com/why-we-shouldnt-be-interested-raising-safe-christian-kids

Keeping children safe is instinctual.  I will not be as bold as that mother, I'm sure.  However, after a fall, we asked, "was it a good landing?"  If the answer was yes, life went on as usual.  If no or tears followed, hugs and kisses were prescribed.  I also stopped others from allowing M to take chances and learn thing.  I do not want to instill fear of failure that prevent her from trying things.  As an adult, I try to model that.  You miss out on a lot of fun if you do not try things and take risks.

I am thankful to be surrounded by people who understand that being different is not inherently safe, but that being normal is not an option or even desireable.  They share this amazing stuff with me, and it challenges me to think about my life and parenting and homeschooling and schedule differently.

The two ideas I hope I can incorporate of my Christianity into the whole of my life are these.

1.  "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"  Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'  All the Law and the Prophets hand on these two commandments." ~ Matthew 22:36-40  This was a memory verse from my Bible study this week, as well, adding to my week's inspirations.

Notice that it doesn't say your Christian neighbors or your safe neighbors.  The word safe does not occur in there, nor does the word separate.  My family will not live outside the world and segregate if I can help it.  It also holds nothing back.  We are commanded to love people, and love is a verb.

ALL of those things are to be used.  Not just most of them.  Not just when you have extra.  I am profoundly proud of my family for being willing to be the crazy people, and to accept me as the crazy mom.  We are the ones who are ridiculously open and honest, and more often than I expected, people appreciate that.  This was affirmed in that phone I mentioned.  My husband and I believe that our calling is to make sure people don't go through the things we do believing they are alone.  Sure, we get snubbed and we scare people sometimes.  When people appreciate it, that is usually a strong emotion, and we have amazing fun with those who choose to do life with us, even for a season.

2.  "You are the salt of the earth.  But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?  It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.  You are the light of the world.  A city on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl.  Instead they put it on its stnad, and it gives light to eveyone in the house." ~ Matthew 5:13-15

I am surprised that I haven't heard sermons about how this sounds like, "be yourself."  Yes, this is referring to spirituality.  However, Christians are supposed to have spirituality as part of their identity, and the best teachers I've known were not what you picture in evangelists.  Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being an evangelist.  However, I think powerful Christians can be powerful in a way that looks like kindness, generosity, goodness, caring, etc.  I think that truly loving other people gets attention, fulfills Christian calling and makes people want to look closer, whether or not they share the faith.  God is in charge, not me.  I don't need to tell people all about him.  However, people usually know I am Christian without a lot of theological discussion.

I have been asked to share my faith with a few, and I have gladly accomodated the requests, but mostly, I just want to be seen as a loving person.  An insane, loving person, perhaps.  I'm OK with that.

I hope your Fall plans leave you excited, inspired and fulfilled!  I will not be running the Grand Canyon this year, and I'll probably never be the parent who doesn't warn kids to be safe.  However, these people inspire me, and I'll find my own way to live it out and let it evolve me.  I'd love to hear your ideas on how you'd like to evolve this school year, as well.

Asynchronicity and Overprotectiveness - can school be damaging?

I want precursur this by reminding everyone that I believe school is good for some kids, including some gifted kids.  For others, however, it is not.  For ours, it was not.

Yesterday, my husband ventured out of his comfort zone more than usual with some trusted friends and responded in more detail to the questions about why we aren't putting M in school.  He usually leaves this to hi obnixious wife (yes, me).  I was not there.  These people are his friends and I know them but little.  I was pleasantly surprised to hear that he used a simple example that I often do.  She is doing math at ___ grade level, science at ____ level, and reading at ____ level.  No school in our culture can accomodate that.  We have a hard time doing it, in fact.  School just doesn't work for her.

If you'd like a smarter-sounding answer backed up with more of the research and scientific information I simply don't do, this post is a good place for it.  http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/asynchronous-developmen

Truth be told, I sometimes wish I did communicate more like this person, since I get tired of the expressions that communicate "I'm not taking you seriously."  Ah well.  It takes all kinds and my style is different, so I'll simply share a variety.  Happy Monday!

Montessori and Giftedness

We have some dear friends who have a son very like our daughter, educationally.  He was homeschooled, he went to Montessori, he went to a special crazy-giftedness program, and he asked to go back to Montessori.  I think it can be a good option for some.  I have, however, heard more disappointed stories than success stories with this concept.  Here's one family's experience.

http://giftofhome.blogspot.com/2013/08/montessori-and-gifted-education-our.html

"Do your best" can be a bad thing to say - just perfectionism?

I ran across this today and it's interesting, but I think they left out the most important one.

http://lifehacker.com/10-things-to-stop-saying-to-your-kids-and-what-to-say-474962146

For us, the biggest issue has been perfectionism and effort.  "Just do your best," is a phrase intended to take the pressure out of achievement or results, but it hasn't been effective in our lives, personally, and from some psychologists' writings, I have learned we are not alone.

For M, it sounds like a tall order.  What is her best?  Is she sure she did her best?  What if she could have done better?  These are just a few of the questions that were her response to the dreaded phrase.  Instead of taking pressure off, we seemed to have piled on anxiety and complexity and confusion.

The bigger question about the dreaded phrase, however, is "should she always do her best?"  This is a question she would never ask as a compliant and perfectionistic and literal kid.  Instead, it is my question of her.  It is also my question for others.

Is it really important to do your best in every subject all the time?  If so, prioritizing is a non-issue.  Should you skip gymnastics practice to work on a paper for school the next day?  Of course not!  If you must always do your best, that must mean in gymnastics and schoolwork, right?!

Here's another example.  In cooking and baking, must you always do your best to measure exactly?  Baking is an area I actually measure ingredients, but honestly, my idea of perfection in cooking is not wasting ingredients.  If it calls for a certain kind of greens, I use whatever lettuce-like food we have in the fridge.  It calls for provolone cheese, but I have cheddar in the fridge, so cheddar is what we use!  Besides, when you're cooking, it doesn't have to rise, so measuring there doesn't mean as much to me.

The last example brings up yet another question.  How do you define your best?  In the cooking example, is it getting the most portions out of the meal?  Maybe it's using only what you have in the cupboards to avoid wasting food or to stay within your grocery budget at the end of the month.  Maybe it's getting the best flavor.  Then again, whose opinion about the best flavor do you use in that case?  It's not a simple statement, after all.

In cases like those, I would argue that "good enough" is a more appropriate approach than "do your best."  It is less confusing, and everyone still eats.  That is good enough for me.

I would go further, however, and say that good enough exists in many realms.  I doubt there is an adult out there who does their best at everything they do every time.  Why would we put that expectation on our children?  I'm not suggesting that people use this phrase intentionally to cause distress, but I think it's a poor one and should be limited to use in the same places we use phrases like "gee whiz" and the like - it's illustrative of a place in time and the culture of that time.  Other than that, I'm all for eliminating it.

Have a great weekend of "good enough" times!

Giftedness and Christianity and Education

Please let me begin by saying that we are Christian.  There are people who do ugly things in the name of Christianity out there, but I do not consider those people to be my people.  I have highly respected and valued people in my life who have different religious views.  Please be kind and respectful with me.  I definitely will do my best to do the same.

I think all parents have beliefs that are especially important to them.  They may be political, spiritual, philosophical, nutritional, or any number of other categories.  As parents, we feel a deep longing to share what is most important to us with our children.  It can be something as simple as a love of music or art.  While we all hope that our children will share our views on matters of particular interest, spirituality must come from the individual.

Providing education and framework to our children is my focus.  Whether or not our children choose to eat a healthy diet or stay physically active once they are grown is outside of our control.  While they are in our homes, we have more influence over what is available to them.  I believe that spirituality is similar to that.

M has a strong faith.  She has from a very young age, and I was skeptical of its depth at first.  The more she talked with me about it, the more I realized that it was genuine and that she spent a great deal of time thinking about it.  And she loves it!  We are Christian and raised her with faith in her surroundings.  This was part of her entertainment, reading choices, church activities, and more.

We also have shown her things that are not decidedly Christian.  Our reasons for this are many, but being people of faith, we believe that God calls us to be the light of the world.  You cannot light up the world if you don't leave the house.  However, we also believe that the best way to reach the world is to be loving and the kind of person people want around.  In some cases, people have even told me that there is something about me they'd like to have.  We are not out to bang people over the head with a Bible.  We want M to understand the world she lives in, and to be able to interact with many and enjoy the many valuable interactions available to her.

I get a lot of shocked reactions from people about this, but we studied Creation, Evolution, Big Bang, and Gilgamesh.  We, personally, find stories including magic to be entertaining and fun.  We are Harry Potter fans, for instance.  M has been exposed to a number of things.  However, her faith is amazing and strong, and it's something she cherishes as a part of herself.

As she grows, she studies what fascinates her.  As a result, she is not only advancing in grade level, but also spiritual understanding.  Planning for the school year become one level more complicated.  Wednesday night groups at her grade level are talking about emotional and physical things that she is not experiencing.  However, her Biblical and historical grasp of material is far beyond that.  Community is a big deal for Christians, but as with so many areas of giftedness, it is a difficult one for us to navigate.

We have discussed it at length with youth pastors and many others.  One children's pastor actually told me, "you're pushing her too hard."  If you are a pastor, never say this to a parent.  I never pushed M in any spiritual way.  Ever.  She loves it, is fascinated by it, and therefore flies through it.  She also has a capacity for learning what she loves that is beyond what many can imagine.  This pastor meant no harm, but it was painful and damaging in several ways.

There is value in M being with people close to her age.  There is value in her being with people close to her experiences, emotionally and physically and intellectually.  There is also value in her learning new things, which is an appetite for her.  I am afraid that if she is not challenged in her church groups, she will start to have a negative view of church, or it will sour her perception of Christian community.

My husband and I talked about this recently.  He tells me he went to Sunday school because it wasn't a choice, but he didn't get anything out of it.  I told him I went to the sermons.  He said, "yeah, but how about when you were her age."  I started sitting through sermones when I was younger than our daughter.  That got a stunned silence.  He was unsure that she is getting much out of sermons, which she is listening to.  However, she will bring up a recent sermon to me and relate it to something in a book or in our experience that day.  In many of those cases, she listened to that sermon with her father, and is telling me what was in it.  I'm sure she could get more out of sermons in a few years.  However, I'm convinced that she gets as much as many adults do out of them now.

If any of you have creative solutions or ideas for addressing this challenge (or others), please leave me a comment. on the pertinent post.  All comments will be moderated, so if you'd just like to contact me, let me know that you don't want it published and it won't be.  Have a great week and I hope your Fall preparations are exciting and smooth.

Unschooling Gifted Children - Chaos Can Be Effective!

I found this blog post today and found it intriguing.

http://giftedunschooling.blogspot.com/2013/08/i-have-no-control.html?spref=fb

Parts of it sounded like the voice in my head.  But wait!  I don't have a son.  Hmmmm . . .

I'm a big believer in organization, but highly gifted kids don't fit the mold, and therefore can be seen as messy.  This is part of the reason homeschooling has been such an extreme-sports kind of adventure for me.  I like structure.  I want to believe I have some control.  The bottom line is that I have control of myself and my choices.

Parts of her blog post terrified me.  The control freak in me didn't like it AT ALL!  However, we have had effective seasons of unschooling.  I also call these unit studies.  Unschooling and unit studies can look very similar in some cases.   I fully intend to do some seasons of unschooling in the future, but am happily looking forward to a school year with more structure this year.  So is M.  Well, she's happy about it today, at least.

Intensity - it's a huge part of high-achievers, giftedness, and autism!

I've ntoiced this trend in those we run across.  My pregnancy history has not one "normal" thing about it, so that fits this:
http://healthland.time.com/2012/07/10/what-child-prodigies-and-autistic-people-have-in-common/
Interestingly, I was memorizing full-length songs at age 3 quickly, but didn't become a prodigy or famous.  I cannot say I'm disappointed, at least not at this point in my life.

Intensity.

That word has so much implication in our lives and the lives of others.  When we learned of M's giftedness, the consultant looked at my husband and told him he needed to read this, telling him that he was living with two extreme examples.

Yes, I am the other intense one he lives with.  Have a great weekend, if I don't check back before then.

Extreme example of a twice exceptional child

When I watched this, I teared up right along with him.  When he talks about what's easy for them, I think, "no, we have it easy."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8G4Q3adT3LQ

Overachieving is a myth? Giftedness does not equal overachieving!!

I ran across a great blog post today.  I feel like the false assumption that overachieving and giftedness are more connected is the reason that many of us have had such scarring issues with schools.  The quote that rings through my head is, "but everyone here is gifted."

Honestly, I believe everyone is gifted in some area/way, but that does NOT make all people alike, or need the same things.  My reaction to that quote above was, "Do you understand that there are different levels of giftedness?"  Please understand that we have had some amazing teachers within the schools, but the ones that aren't so wonderful create significant problems.

Some of the innate differences in the neurology of my daughter are what I believe to be the cause of that teacher's approach.  He did not believe she was taking it in.  He cited only her maturity.  Yes, she is less mature than kids 3-4 years older than she is.  However, she was taking in more than the teacher realized.  Weeks later, she is quoting sentences verbatim to me about biology at a level that is difficult for me to fully grasp.  I'm glad we have found better science teachers for her elsewhere.

I think the misunderstanding explored in this blog post is at the heart of the issue, and not just with my family.  She offers a good explanation of it, and straightforward enough for a Monday ;).

http://giftedchallenges.blogspot.com/2013/07/gifted-children-and-overachievement.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+GiftedChallenges+%28Gifted+Challenges%29

Is it an intellectual adventure or an emotional one? Yes.

I'm having one of those days.  I ran across this blog post which widened the cracks and made me cry.  No, that's not a bad thing.

http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/07/18/so-i-just-wanted-to-say-thank-you/?utm_content=bufferc094b&utm_source=buffer&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=Buffer

This week, I had another random encounter where our special situation came up, as it seems to every time I leave the house.  The woman, meaning well and trying to be encouraging, talked about how she had an experience "the other direction" from giftedness.  I assured her it is not the other direction.  Before we knew there was anything aside from giftedness going on, I dealt with all of this emotional mess.  Yes, we are dealing with a twice exceptional child, who has legitimate special needs in the governmental sense, even though we are receiving no financial support for them, and STILL need to fill out all of those irritating forms. . .  However, the giftedness part feels to me very much the same as special needs.  Autism is different from Downs Syndrome is different than vision impairment is different from hearing impairment is different from developmental delays is different from giftedness.  As a parent, I relate closely to those who have "different" kids in whatever way.  It's all special educational needs.  That particular woman hates the labels.  Some days I do, too.  Most days, I'm kindof numb to them.

Here's the thing.  I started this blog to deal with the emotional part of the journey, since most of what was originally presented to me was highly intellectual.  I suppose I should not have been surprised since giftedness tends to draw very scholastic people.  I felt all alone, though.  For me, it was an emotional journey.  As I continue, I have learned that most gifted people feel isolated, just as people with kids who are different in any way feel misunderstood, and they filter their words most places.  It's lonely.  God created us to be in community, so lonely is bad.  It feels bad, too.  I have learned that many gifted people either aren't good at or don't believe themselves to be good at emotions and social interaction.

I continue to put myself out there, and to talk about our labels.  So does my daughter.  Some feel this is inappropriate, however, I do it for reasons of community, support and love.  I am far from perfect, but I am doing my best to be loving and connected with others.

I had a service performed this week, and the professional started asking about homeschooling, saying they were considering it.  This happens to me a lot.  I was tired and sad and didn't intend to reveal much.  I was simply not interested in being vulnerable at that moment.  The man started talking about his daughter.  He told me our story, if we had kept our daughter in school and she were a couple of years older.  I exhaled deeply and started talking to him.  He was anxious for more information.  Both my daughter and I threw out terms, books, web sites, and groups that could be helpful.  I felt more energized as I talked to him, and I will pray that whatever their "right answer" is, they find it.  We will continue to look hard for ours, and I feel like my visual capability for finding that path is severely impaired.  The man seemed touched, and I hope I approached him well.  Like many, I feel like a freak in the social interaction realm.  However, I offer myself, flaws and all.

I have often said that if even one family has less stress in their journey like ours, it will be worth every moment of being THAT woman forever - the wierd one who goes out on a limb and seems crazy.  I often picture a scene from the Sorcerer's Apprentice.  When Dave asks Balthazar if he's crazy, Nicholas Cage (as Balthazar) puts his fingers close together in a response.  Yep, a little bit . . . or maybe a lot.  That's me.

Finally, I love the super powers reference from Steve's blog post.  It reminds me of my fabulous frined, R, who I believe follows this.  I hope she sees this because she is such an inspiration to me in how she is a ferocious lover of kids who are not typical.  Just thinking of her makes me smile with pride.  It's such an honor to call her my friend.  If you have special situations and feel alone, I urge you to find people that "get it" - doing that has changed our lives.  People are out there who will understand and support you.  You will get into uncomfortable situations along the way, but nothing is so worth that risk!  Use your super powers and combine them with others.  Do it today!!!  You are not alone.  You are loveable and you are loved!!!!

Brains are organs, right?

I had an interesting conversation yesterday, while having my hair cut.  We were discussing the changes since the last time I had my hair cut, including her maternity leave.  As we talked about the changes in our lives related to M during that time, she asked if the vision therapy and giftedness go together.  I paused and she quickly said something like, "I do hair, remember, I'm not smart."

I stared, then scolded her, telling her not to diminish herself like that!  I also reminded her that she found something she wanted to do & enjoyed, studied it straight out of high school, and is great at it - that makes her smart in my estimation.  She smiled softly and agreed.

For the record, doing something that makes you look important or smart but doesn't bring you happiness or satisfaction shows a lack of wisdom, in my opinion.  Doing whatever makes you happy and fits you, regardless of whether or not you're capable of "more" (which I think is a flawed term for this topic) shows wisdom of a much greater value!  Quality of life is more important than looking important!

Now, to move on from my rant . . .

I have shared here before that I suspect that people who are not neurotypical in one way are probably more likely to be a-typical in other neurological ways, but in our conversation yesterday it came out differently.  Brains are organs.  Organ development is mostly hereditary.  Therefore, brain function is hereditary.

Maybe that seems overly simplified or overly subtle in its difference to my previous post, but I wanted to share it.  It's logical.  Using my previous example of MS, which is accepted as affected by heredity, brain function should be hereditary, right?

So, there you have it - she works on heads all day & helped me put another angle on my belief that neurology is hereditary.  In addition, I know there are good and poor examples in every profession.  I will try & choose the gifted hair stylist, the gifted mechanic, etc.  Don't we all try to do that most of the time?

Have a great day doing what you enjoy, whatever that may be!

They get lonely & hurt . . . and so do their kids.

My kid is a 2e kid.  It's not obvious, visibly, but it can become obvious pretty quickly after her mouth opens.  A few people have related to my fatigue and disappointment and irritation at almost every situation making our differences obvious.  Most people don't understand it because they haven't experienced it.  As a culture, many shy away from uncomfortable situations, including those where their empathy could cause them discomfort.  I have heard people say that they stay silent for lack of a better idea.  Let me assure you that silence isn't your best idea in many situations.  Go ahead.  Stick your foot in your mouth.  Feel foolish.  We can relate to that better than the experience this mom relates.

http://bloom-parentingkidswithdisabilities.blogspot.ca/2013/06/the-invisible-mom.html?m=1

My situation is not the same as this one.  I was included by some while my daughter was in school, and I worked hard . . . continue to work hard to help her feel more included than I do . . . or ever did, for that matter.  The professionals at the schools she attended were fabulous and did not make it more difficult for us.  They facilitated things.  M received invitations from classmates regularly . . . until we found homeschooling to be our only real option.  Very suddenly, all invitations from anyone connected with her schools stopped.  Every. single. one.  I remember when she asked me why we didn't have plans with ______, related to several different people.  At first, I told her I hadn't hear back yet, which was the literal truth.  Later, I told her I had tried, but it didn't work out.  That's one way to soften, "the parents never returned my calls/e-mails/texts."

For her last birthday party, two children accepted her invitation.  She didn't mind, and we emphasized how we could be more flexible with fewer people to move around, etc.  I cried for her more than one night after she was alseep, but she seemed effectively sheltered from feeling rejected.  One of the attendees was surprised and asked why there weren't more.  The other didn't comment, and I know that child did not have a party that year at all for similar reasons.  I replied to the comment with the simple statement that when she was in school, we invited a lot of the kids in her class, but that we had more choices with fewer people, and that's what we had chosen this year.

Recently, M attended a birthday party that was full of school kids, or at least I assume it was, as the birthday child attends school.  The child being celebrated also is surrounded by neurotypical situations (and I know this child is very intelligent and doing well at school).  M had questions about how to interact with the other kids, knowing noone else there.  We talked about it calmly a few days ahead of time just to give her ideas and choices, and she nervously asked me to remind her of the ideas while we were in the car on our way to the party.  She had a good time.

I make plenty of mistakes in life and look like a fool far more often than I'd like to.  This has had surprising benefits.  In one case, we met a family with 2 kids, and the older is bound to a wheelchair.  There was uncomfortable silence among the adults during introductions, but the younger sister proudly repeated into the following silence, "that's my big sister."  After a conspicuous pause, searching for something to say, I focused on the only person talking, "I know she's your sister.  You two have almost the same color eyes.  Are yours more green and hers more blue?  Did I see that right?  They are beautiful!"  As I said it, I intentionally looked into both of their eyes and smile.  Many shoulders dropped, and although I was sweating through the exchange, it developed into a friendly relationship.  I'm glad I risked putting my foot in my mouth.  Noone needed words about the difference in one child in the group.  I had no expertise or particular skill to get me through this.  I relied simply on desperation, and found something to say . . . anything positive!  It worked.

One more example: When M was in preschool, one of her classmates had a sibling who would grow into a wheelchair.  As we got kids ready to go, the mother would plop the child on the floor & help her other child prepare to depart.  The younger child, unable to crawl, moved like a porpoise or dolphin on the floor.  This wasn't terribly uncomfortable until M giggled one day, flopped down on the floor next to the child in the same movements, and talked loudly about how fun it was and how she loved dolphins.  I looked to the mother, afraid I'd find offense there and have to try and figure out something to say.  She slowly smiled at the two kids on the floor, then gave me a warm look.  Whew!!!!  M was saying nothing negative or inappropriate for her age.  That family also became one that we enjoyed conversation with through preschool.  M has usually been quite drawn to kids with differences, but not in a critical way.  As in that case, she genuinely enjoys the differences and sees the fun in them.  She simply didn't know anyone might be uncomfortable, and didn't think she should be any more careful with this child than any other.

Back to the birthday party pep talk.  M is starting to understand that there are times you need to be careful.  Sadly, she has learned that some people have false assumptions about giftedness.  She asked me why.  I told her that some people think it means that we see ourselves as better than them.  Her eyes got wide as she told me she believes the opposite.  I reminded her that we cannot control other people, but we can control ourselves and our reactions.  I told her that everyone needs attention & needs to feel important.  I don't want her to feel like there's something wrong with her, or that she should be ashamed of who and how she is.  However, I want her to be careful and nice to other people.  It's polite.  It's nice.  I recommended asking questions about the other kids, which shows interest in them.  Ask them how they know the birthday child, or if they are in the same class, or what they like to do outside of school?  Everyone has something they're good at, she reminded me.  I agreed.  I suggested she ask some questions to show interest in whatever they like.  That helps them feel important, too.  She reminded me that everyone is important.  Absolutely!

Here's my suggestion to everyone.  Show interest in people.  Even if you never see them again, you can make their day.  Be willing to be underwhelming.  If you like the color of someone's shirt, that's good enough.  It might make their day.  If you are uncomfortable with people who are visibly different than others, practice on other people first.  You don't need to make a lifelong friend to give a compliment to the person behind you in the line at the cash register.  Many people in our culture are lonely, or worse yet, feel invisible like the mom in the blog post I included here.  I have been impacted for years by simple statements from strangers.  I have been told that simple statements I made and forgot were earth-shattering to the receiver.  Be open to trying.  You might be pleasantly surprised.  Better yet, you could pleasantly surprise someone like the mom worried about tearing up while waiting at pick-up (whom I have been, as well).

I hope you had a great Independence Day weekend, and I hope you believe that you have the power to make a positive difference in another life today, and every day.  Embrace your power.