Baiting, injustice and shame - dealing with stereotypes

Tonight, my family attended an event we are invited to annually. Most of the people there, we see maybe once a year. This year, there was much talk of college, due to the age and lifestage of many of the people present, as parents or students in the lifestage.

When we returned home, my husband said he didn't like how one woman was talking to me and asking questions. I was uncomfortable with it, as well, and our daughter was listening without commenting, so she was clearly uncomfortable as well. It started with that seemingly simple question of what grade our daughter is in. All three of us considered, the woman thought that quite odd, and we told her that it depends upon the subject. In the end, I told her my best guess. The woman ddin't comment, or perhaps didn't notice the disconnect. M is the not the typical age for that grade. However, the woman went on to ask a series of questions that put me in an uncomfortable place, and it seemed that she does not approve of homeschooling. I tried to be polite and truthful until someone else took up another subject, shifting the woman's focus.

Before long, she began to digress into lots of name-dropping of prestigious schools, how they are related to her children and their friends, etc. She seemed not to notice that everyone got very quiet, and continued, looking quite pleased with herself. She seemed to look down on my family because traditional school will not work for our daughter until college, if she chooses to attend (because we will not force her to attend college - some post-graduate training, but not necessarily college). Her assumption, like many, is that our daughter is incapable of keeping up or learning in a sense that makes it worth spending the money. In fact, she expressed outrage to me that her own daughter who is a recent graduate and accountant wants to be a stay-at-home mother. I confronted her on that, telling her what I used to do with my business degree, and how I use it every day at home. Perhaps that's why she went on to provoke me. I should have kept my mouth shut, perhaps. . . I'm not so good at that.

By the time she got to the height of her arrogant rant, I wanted to look her in the eye and say, "You think that's something? My daughter will probably be ready for college years younger than any of your children no matter what score they got on the ACT!" She did, in fact, go into great detail about ACT scores . . . I didn't say any of that out loud, and I feel ashamed that I even thought it.

After considering it out of that woman's presence, I think I'm angry at the injustice that families with highly gifted children are too often assumed to be as arrogant as this woman.  Some of them are, of course - you get bad eggs in every group.  However, the extreme examples of giftedness I know go through a lot of stress about trying to find appropriate ways to answer simple questions like, "What grade is your child (or are you) in?" They do not feel that they are better than anyone else.  Many, like me, sincerely wish that traditional school settings worked for their family. That's why members of our coop are familiar with so many schools - we keep trying and hoping.

I was so disappointed in my own response to this person. I am angry when confronted by the same ugliness I am assumed to possess, and the fact that those words went through my mind may mean that I do possess it. However, this woman spoke it. I am extremely defensive and protective of my child, as most mothers are. I hope that my internal dialogue was a result of that and my outrage at facing a stereotype that I don't believe fits me, rather than an indication that I am the same way. None of my nieces or nephews have gone to a special school for gifted kids and none of them were or are homeschooled. I believe that giftedness is hereditary biologically.  I believe that all of my nieces and nephews are highly intelligent.

I am disgusted with myself tonight, and with that woman for triggering the disgusting reaction. I think my reaction was a growing urge to shut her up, rather than a logical or sincere response to her. I will have to check myself, and am grateful that my daughter doesn't feel superior because of her atypical neurology. Hoping you all had a better weekend than I did . . .

Goodbyes and Fitting in without Giving In

Those two things have been our recent themes.

Recently, I was in a conversation with a mother and daughter we talk to weekly. We were discussing travel and Disneyland. I commented that M didn't want to go there last time we were in the area, but that we went to Discovery Cove and swam with fish and stingrays, etc. The other child is very young, and couldn't believe that Disney wasn't the choice.  I felt it was an appropriate comment, seeing as how we were at swimming lessons . . . swimming with fish. Safe, right? Guess not. The other girl, got really close to my daughter's face and expressed shock, which made my daughter quite uncomfortable.  As we were walking out, I was informed of new social protocols by my daughter, who, honestly, still needs a lot of practice with social interactions . . . Apparently, she doesn't want people to hear about her decision not to visit Disney, "especially with little kids, Mom."

From the first indication, I have grieved that giftedness makes it statistically unlikely to fit in very often. My husband had a much more satisfying, full social life than I did, and I really wanted that for our daughter growing up. That hasn't been in God's plan for much of her life. There was a period with countless kids around as often as we would allow it, but it was brief.

We are moving. Part of what we intend to do with the move is intentionally nurture social opportunities for our daughter. Not just any social interaction, but really feeling accepted and included . . . belonging. As we do that, we are saying a lot of goodbyes, which is not fun.

One of the goodbyes I had apart from the rest of my family reminds me of the giftedness element, yet again. A is an amazingly gifted girl in many areas. I will miss her a lot. In preparation for that, I have been in a lot of conversations with her mother and a few other people, and was honored to be included in being intentional about her mentors. You see, she reminds me of myself, only cooler & more athletic. I felt desperate to help her find an environment where she can grow as much as she wants to in an area of her giftedness without being pressured to perform at her highest level if she chooses to focus on other things.

I think that is one of the dangers of gifted circles. We talk about "doing our best" and that is huge pressure, as well as ridiculous. It's a concept that was presented to me related to perfectionism.  This goal encourages perfectionism, which is an ironic character flaw . . .  What adult do you know who is expected to do their very best in every area of their lives? I am thankful to have given up being good at a number of things that simply don't interest me. Instead, I focus on the things that intrigue me most. We still do the things we need to do, but trying to excel in every way you can . . . that sounds exhausting.

I was afraid for A. I was afraid that she would be pressured to put more emphasis in one area of her life than she wanted to, simply because she has the capacity for it. Does that shock you? It's a big deal to me. What area(s) of your life or your child's do you have capacity beyond what you choose to invest? Is there an area that excites you, even if you aren't as gifted in it?  K told me this week that she was enjoying spinning, but wasn't very good at it. I know nothing of spinning, but told her all that mattered to me was that she was enjoying it. She measures her progress in balls of yarn, and "how much of a sheep" which made me smile. I'm so glad she's doing that. Knitting is like that for me. I don't consider myself to be very good at it, but I enjoy it, and I am learning something new. I'd love to hear about yours . . .

Intensity and Hypersensitivity

I know many who deal with hypersensitivities in their children, such as an unwillingness to wear socks other than about 2 threadbare pairs.

In our home, intensity is the thing. They can go together often, and I definitely have a hypersensitivity to sound, while my daughter has a need to be constantly moving - hyper motor sensitivity. There are so many labels. I also know many adults and children with ADD or ADHD, among other labels. Some are also labeled highly gifted (which makes them twice exceptional or 2e) and others are not.

Check out this blog post from the perspective of more than one of those situations. It's always good to have suggestions from someone experienced with gifted learners.

http://jadeannrivera.com/2013/03/10/living-with-not-indulging-intensity/

Breakthrough - "Different" does not equal "Needs to be fixed"

I love this blog post:
http://mommytg.blogspot.com/2013/04/sharing-my-recent-breakthrough-as-parent.html

As parents of children who are not neurotypical, we are given a lot of unsolicited advice by well-meaning, but uninformed people. "Just" usually begins the statements from those who just don't really understand or just don't believe that these children really are different. Ours are not better than other children. They do not need to be fixed. They are simply different.

Like the author of the linked blog post, I have been blessed to find several different sources of support from those with some level of understanding and appreciation of children who are not neurotypical, and just as wonderfully supportive of their families. I hope all of you are blessed with a support network with some degree of acceptance if not understanding. Even more, I hope that you have found unconditional support in your most confusing and important journeys through this life.