Pride and Disappointment - the novel of a mother in gifted circles

Everyone has heard of Pride & Prejudice.  Most have read it more than once.  It's a huge thing in our world.  I know there is plenty of pride within the families of gifted children - both the positive and negative kinds, and I know there is plenty of prejudice coming toward them from outside.

In parenting, I am trying to remind myself of the truths that I want ingrained in my child, as I believe most parents do.  One of the big struggles for me is the reality that we can only control ourselves, and never other people.  We can influence, love, hate, or whatever . . .  We cannot control others.  This has been one of the most difficult things for me to accept as an adult who grew up hearing, "you can be anything," and "you can do anything," as most girls of my generation did.  However, that's not true.  We cannot control others.  So, I am intentional about teaching my girl that she cannot do "anything," but she can make her own choices, including how to react to others.

Along those lines, I decided to focus on our impressions of life from inside our sphere.  Instead of Pride & Prejudice, I land in Pride and Disappointment.

I am immensely proud of my child.  Not only does she work really hard, but she prioritizes her energy and time, and she accomplishes amazing things.  Some things come easily for her.  Others do not.  She gets more joy from the things she has had to work very hard to achieve.  I love that about her.  That is healthy pride.

Does this sound like a typical kid to you?  Me too.  In fact, gifted kids are typical in many ways.  Not everything about them is atypical.

Over the last two or three weeks, I've heard an alarming number of stories of extended families who are not supportive.  This is extremely disappointing.  My grandmother was one of my biggest advocates, even though I was not a typical child.  Years after her death, that is still a source of peace for me.  These children whose grandparents are not supportive will not have that.

That is a loss for the children who could benefit from greater support from extended family - their roots, or family tree, or whatever you'd like to call it.  However, I'd argue that it's a bigger loss for the adults involved.  The children have never known a different situation.  The adults, however, have a different level of awareness, and a poignant feeling of loss.  Worst yet are the people who are missing out on these incredible children (since every child is amazing), and they don't even feel the loss.  I pity those people.

Is this a societal pattern?  Maybe.  Probably.  I don't know, and as usual, don't care to do the research.  However, I wonder if it's more prevalent in atypical circles.  Logically, it makes sense, and I have noticed that pattern recently.

Think about the incredible people throughout history that we know.  Mozart died in poverty, and yet, he is still well-known today.  Most famous artists lived in relative to extreme poverty and their artwork was recognized and increased exponentially in value only after they died.  Einstein struggled in school before coming up with concepts that still bewilder many today.  Did they have an easy life?  I imagine not.

Here's another angle to consider.  People in gifted circles are famously (or infamously) quirky and often lacking social skills because they do not operate and interact in the common way.  They learn to cope.  Musicians and artists are stereotyped to be riddled with unhealthy behaviors: alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.  Maybe they are unhappy because of a perceived lack of support and are coping (unwisely).  Maybe.

So, I've been wondering about the pattern of insufficiently supportive extended families in atypical circles.  I have repeatedly mentioned my belief that these atypicalities are genetic neurological differences. Is that something that supports a pattern of difficulty or inability to have healthy family relationships?  Does that make it more difficult for the various members of an extended family to cope similarly and understand one another effectively?  Maybe.  Probably.

When I think of it this way I am still stuck in disappointment.  However, it doesn't lend itself toward anger aimed at individuals, but sorrow in a situation.  That might be my healthiest reaction for now.  I hope that my choices are decent ones, and that they will lead to the greatest possibility of hope for the future, as well as the greatest potential happiness for everyone involved.

As the holidays approach, I wish you a season filled with love.  I wish you a season filled with support and happiness.  If your family is a source for this, soak that up.  If not, I challenge you to recognize that my new friend N is very wise in saying, "family is the people who love you."  Gifts?  Whatever.  They are fun, and we exchanged them.  However, they do not bring happiness, especially the lasting kind.  M shared with me that St Nicholas Day is her favorite holiday.  Clearly, the larger gifts exchanged on Christmas are not as meaningful to her.  I am so glad for her.  It is one more hurdle that, at least for now, she need not jump on her track happiness.  Peace & love to you.

The difficult childhood of the incredible adult: Helene Girmaud & Living with Intensity

Living with Intensity is a book I have mentioned before.

Chapter one opens with an exerpt from the memoirs of Helene Grimaud entitled Wild Harmonies: A life of Music and Wolves.  Her adult life has been that of a conert pianist.  She also created a Wolf Conservation Center.  I admire someone who has been able to significantly pursue and affect multiple areas of passion in life and hope to be included in that group throughout my life.

She is used as an example of the assertion that "The emotional intensity and high level of energy of a gifted child cannot be ignored. . . . [They] take in information from the world around them; they react and respond more quickly and intensely than other children. . . . Their excitement is viewed as excessive, their high energy as hyperactivity, their persistence as nagging, their questioning as undermining authority, their imagination as not paying attention, their passion as being disruptive, their strong emotions and sensitivity as immaturity, their creativity and self-directdeness as oppositional."  In the case of Helene Girmaud, I challenge you to find a moving musician who is not an emotional person.  If they were not emotional, how could they move us with their performance?  You must understand and experience emotions in order to communicate them well, through music or other language.

Our childhood can set the stage of our emotional life.  As we are discovering and categorizing and learning, we are grasping to understand our place in this world we are exploring.  An extreme example is abusive generational patterns.  What we see as children, we assume is normal.  This is also true of the feedback we receive about ourselves, from those who know us and those who do not, as well as in our own minds as we compare ourselves to others.  Helene's memoirs indicate that she heard a vary large number of negative adjectives aimed her direction, and yet, she accomplished so much and affected so many . . .

Here's another quote from Living with Itensity.  "It is of course unfortunate that something exceptional, something that is outside of the norm, is often looked upon as being abnormal, and that 'abnormal' usually means annoying or bad, where as 'normal means mostly acceptable or good.  We forget that these notions come from a stasticial convention, the bell curve, which does not tell us what is goo and what is bad."

And so, by page 4, I am completely sold and MUST continue reading.  I only hope not to lose too much sleep over the next few days.  Have you read it, yet?  If not, and this sounds familiar or just intriguing, you should.  If you have already enjoyed this USA Book News Best Books Award Finalist, what is your favorite or most moving part?