Homeschooling statistics

Created by: CollegeAtHome.com Please understand that I do not believe that homeschooling is the right choice for every student or every parent. However, I think this proves much of what I have learned about homeschooling since beginning the process a year ago. The common questions and concerns I hear so regularly are addressed here. If school is working for your child, by all means, stick with what works! These are averages.

Parents in denial, shock and laughter

There is a lovely woman who I am honored to call a friend. She is married to a real-life, easy-t-recognize genius. They have a preschool-aged son. I have been telling my (also brilliant) friend that their son is gifted, and that it's hereditary. At first, it was denial that anyone except her husband was gifted. At least she didn't try to deny that one. Our mutual teasing has gone on as long as I have known her. I just kept insisting that their son is gifted. Of course, being someone who can handle me, she blew it off. Yes, I did just admit that's sometimes what it takes to deal with me. Moving on. Today, I got an awesome, short text from her, essentially saying, "I concede. He is gifted." Just to put another feather in the its-not-hereditary camp hat, I replied with, "Duh!!!!!" Enter the laughter. She sent me more details ending with, "oh dear." It made long Christmastime lines at the post office quite entertaining, as I pictured my friend with Piglet's voice and stutter ;). I think the bottom line is that most parents adore their children and believe them to be the most amazing children on the planet. At the same time, we know we're partial to our children, so we doubt our own opinions. Or, perhaps it is hereditary and we simply don't recognize it as anything unusual. I must admit it is far more relaxing to joke around with my friend and anticipate her younger child going through all of this than it was to realize it in my own child. We will laugh together and share stories through both families' adventures, I hope. I cherish the vulnerability of other families sharing their experiences with us. If things on this blog resonate with you. . . or even if they don't, you are not alone. Wishing you a holiday season rich and warm with loving community.

What does giftedness look like?

I've gotten more than the usual number of people recently telling me that they don't think their child is gifted. The reasons are plentiful. Some say that they are struggling with everything. I knew a girl whose first grade teacher said she was falling behind. In a year or so, she was doing seventh grade math. My daughter is reduced to tears from math, but is years ahead in other subjects. Some say their child doesn't get high grades or scores. That describes my daughter, yet she is highly gifted; Albert Einstein flunked out of school, yet I don't think that's why his name has become a synonym for genius. Some parents tell me that their kids are behind in developmental ways. I still cannot throw or catch as well as the average gradeschool child, yet I have a gradeschool child. Some parents tell me their child is immature. Well, they are children, and let's face it, we all know adults that are immature. What does giftedness look like? It looks like a beautiful impressionistic painting made up of smaller, different pictures, just like most other things. Recently, in our house giftedness has been contained within someone who upon being asked to let the dogs out and (separately) told where her goggles were, did not hear me. The second repetition regarding the dogs, led to her going the wrong direction, putting on her shoes and simply standing there waiting. With the goggles, it led to her telling me that, "no, that's my towel mom." Funny, I thought I knew what goggles looked like. The third repetition, she let the dogs out, but not without some sitcom-worthy physical humor included. With the goggles, it was, "oh, I thought you were pointing to my towel." I responded, "I listened to the words and pointed to your goggles" without too much tone, and managed to postpone rolling my eyes until after she had turned around. I'm fairly certain none of the examples from today would show up in a short checklist of what indicates giftedness in a child. She is still gifted. Labels are supposed to clarify, yet they are very difficult to accurately define. Merry Christmas a little early :)

CRPD - will the UN govern educational decisions in the US?

There is an upcoming vote in the US Senate about a UN Convention for the Rights of People with Disabilities on December 4th. It affects homeschoolers and parents of kids with disabilities, as well as the population as a whole, but has been remarkably unknown. I'll do my best to summarize, and you can find ample information on the web if you feel inclined. The UN would be able to regulate what is considered necessary for the education of people with disabilities. However, disabilities is not defined, so this could mean children who are very young and have a mild (and possibly temporary) speech impediment. It has the potential to negate parents' rights to homeschool, or make educational decisions for their children, and moves that to the UN. Part of my issue with that is the obvious infraction of freedom granted in the US constitution. Part of my issue with it is that the UN is not an elected group, so we have no say in the individuals making the decisions. They are also quite removed from our immediate viscinity and unlikely to fully comprehend what is necessary in individual cases. The US is widely acknowledged to have the most extensive support offered to people with disabilities, so it is unlikely to enhance the programs offered here. Reportedly, Obama has acknowledged this fact. However, it is unclear how much fiscal involvement might be involved. For instance, currently Kansas does not consider dyslexia a learning disability (or at least it is not covered by their state special education). Another example in the US is that dysgraphia is not recognized, as I have mentioned before. With the increased expense of social workers who monitor and take families to court "in the best interest of the child" to insist that they be returned to school, the funding for education is not going to be enhanced. The list of problems addressed by our government, if history is an indicator, are likely to decrease, rather than increase. Also, I have yet to see any proof that the US will not be required to send money to other countries in order to have this educational change implemented similarly throughout the UN countries. I have seen indication that it will increase expenses to the US related to education, but not any enhancement in education of US citizens. It also give the UN and unprecedented amount of power within the US. The expense part of it affects every American, and our education system as a whole. The fact that parents of children with disabilities who are using the public education are against it, in general, nullifies the argument that it will serve people and families with disabilities, in my opinion. The vote is imminent. What can you do? Learn more. I am biased, as our daughter could be labeled and targeted, and possibly required to return to school "in her best interests" even though she is many grade levels ahead of her age. If you read my previous posts, you'll see how damaging that would be to her - how damaging school attendance was for her in first grade. You can sign an online petition - there are online petitions both against and to ratify the change, so you can act either way. There are many blogs and group references to the effort, so you can compare different accounts in an attempt to get an unbiased picture. You can e-mail and/or call your senators. I am concerned. People including Dr Ruf who I've mentioned in this Blog have gone to a lot of trouble to make sure that homeschooling is a legal option in all 50 states. She did not hear about this effort ahead of time, either, but is taking action and continuing as an advocate for educational choice. While I am admittedly bitter that the government doesn't provide for my child, I certainly don't want my decision to find an option that works for her taken away. Please look into this & weigh in if you feel so inclined.

False Assumptions vs Acceptance

The Gifted Kids' Survival Guide is a book that has been recommended to us several times, and we finally got a copy of it to M. She is loving it!!!! It has excited her about her own "special population" and helps her understand the biological differences, as well as references to a whole bunch of examples of people throughout history. It is written in more than one format, depending upon the age range of the child, and we highly recommend it. Reading that led to a discussion about social perceptions of giftedness and false assumptions by some that we view ourselves as more important than (or better than) other people, rather than different. I'm sure it is true of some of the population, and I believe the same egotistical belief is true of those outside of this particular group. We talked about how personality plays into the role that giftedness can have on a life, and how there is more than one right answer about how to approach life with giftedness, just as there is more than one right way without that particular consideration, in my opinion, at least. We talked for more than an hour conceptually about it, and it was a very rational, calm discussion from both ends. On my own, it reminded me of other conversations I have had recently with some close, trusted friends. The topic in that case was false assumptions based on financial status, whether perceived or real. Interestingly, the people who relate most closely to my experience with this come from the opposite end of the spectrum (please giggle - I don't like that phrase in general, so I HAD to apply it here) financially. All of us were unfairly judged in multiple ways by the financial situation we appeared to live in. Three women who I value as highly as anyone are all in different generations of life, and all have different living situations currently. Yet, all three of them share this experience with me, to one degree or another. The commonality we all share is that we were not accepted for who we are. We were judged by perception and stereotype, and it made us feel left out. The sad fact of the matter is that some of those stereotypes are there for a reason, however weak or strong the correlation. The exceptions to the stereotype end up feeling isolated because of their divergence from the stereotype as well as the fact that they are misunderstood and feel unknown, which I believe translates to loneliness. I think this relates directly to giftedness. I believe it is far more common than it is believed to be. I also believe there are many people within the population that diverge from the stereotypes and want, more than anything, to be seen as similar to everyone else. I think this is why I grieved so much when we first learned of the situation within our daughter's brain. I still have a hard time even thinking about my ultimate goal for her without crying, "that she would be normal and happy." Well, she is happy, even about the ways she is not strictly "normal." Back to the 3 amazing women I referenced. The one least seen by society as being an asset to me possesses the most of what I would like to be in the areas where I struggle the most. She is amazing, and I am so blessed to know her. Her life is not touched by giftedness, and yet our concerns and approach to parenting is so similar that we talk about our children openly and effectively all the time. Of the other two, there is the ability to relate to giftedness and the focus on what is so often mislabeled as "the other end of the spectrum." Yet, we all share the experience of having been misunderstood, of being interested in seeing each other as we are (and loving it), and of knowing what it is like to have been misjudged inappropriately in a similar manner, even if from opposite ends. Interesting, isn't it? Don't we all want to feel understood, accepted, wanted and valued? It amazes me how often people who feel undervalued are creating those same feelings in the ones they think are undervaluing them, whether or not there is any reason for the awkwardness to be there . . . Wishing you a holiday season surrounded by people who are interested in you for whatever you are, and hoping you will be someone to appreciate and look for who the people around you really are.

a work visit with Daddy

Recently, M visited my husband's office with him. He doesn't work particularly close to home, so our interaction with that group is more limited than some. With as much as I am immersed in our a-typical child situation, I believe his angle on it is not easy, either. As his coworkers, mostly women, talk about their children, they are very in tune to developmental stage, typical curriculum, etc. Often, he stays quiet, even though he is not a quiet or shy man. When he is asked about our daughter, he answers them, but has told me that he goes through the same questions about what and how much to share. Without being in the middle of it, the situation and world with kids like these is difficult to understand and easy to misinterpret.

 During their visit, M started talking and my husband reported that there was a suddenly a circle of 8 people surrounding them, "because what 8 year old talks like that?" in his words. One of his coworkers is more involved in our lives than others, and has had a more similar background, as well as more involvement with M. The same night, I got a text from that woman saying, M "at work was the highlight of everyone's day. I was honestly blown away at how amazingly she conducts herself with a whole group of adults. . ." It's so nice to get genuine feedback that is positive from someone who has no agenda. I am so glad that there are wonderful people working with my husband. I'm also glad he was able to give them a glimpse of our amazing girl, in his own way - without pretense.

More recently, kids came up in a team meeting, and M was included in the discussion.  The term "genius" was thrown out there, which made my husband squirm.  Before he could  formulate an appropriate response, he was cut off with "no 8yo goes around saying ______" - they used one of her most common phrases here. It was not intended as anything but neutral and matter-of-fact.  It can still be uncomfortable.  I am still thrilled to have visited with M and to see so many broad smiles as people flock to talk to her when we arrive.  It's nice to be welcome.

Misconceptions of Giftedness

Yesterday, my family attended the MCGT (MN Council for Gifted and Talented) conference. It was our first of the annual conferences, and I highly recommend it. First of all, MCGT is very inclusive - no IQ test required, just join if you feel you and/or your child fit. There are a wide variety of people included: homeschoolers, traditional/public schoolers, competitives, casual members who have fun with it, etc. I have a few impressions that were big ones for me this year. [we'll see if Google will let me format correctly for once]: There is cultural misunderstanding around giftedness, and it is a distinction between "better at" and "better than" according to the keynote speaker, Dr James R Delisle. I agree with him. I am criticized and ostricize by the assumption that we feel there is a "better than" situation in our family. For most giftedness families I have met, this is FAR from the truth. In fact, before M's assessment and before joining any of the advocacy groups, I adamantly told her that she had BETTER not EVER get the idea that she was more important than anyone else. Are there ugly people in giftedness circles? Of course!! Can you name a group or category that doesn't have ugly people? I cannot. Often people ask me what giftedness is. I am still learning, and before M's assessment less than a year ago, I worked with highly gifted students for many years. I cannot give a brief description that will be accurate, let alone exhaustive. However, Annemarie Roeper did the best job of it I've seen yet. "Giftedness is a greater awareness, a greater sensitivity, and a greater ability to understand and transform perceptions into intellectual and emotional experiences." If this sounds like hypersensitivity to you, then you understand it like I do, and it's accurate, from my experience. I got to see Deb Ruf, author of 5 levels of gifted & local advocate and consultant on giftedness as well as teh mother of 3 adult men who are highly gifted. One of them is the boy from What about Bob :) I love chatting with her and she has helped us immensely. I got to listen to Teresa Boatman, another of our local advocate and consultant, who does a lot of work with Gifted kids and Twice Exceptional children. She spoke on intensities, which I have heard before and longed to hear again. I am not the only person who is consistently irritated with the people who regularly respond to our situation with things that boil down to "that's all good," or "that must be easy" - not so much. Yes, there are highlights, as there are with all children. There are also struggles, as there are with all children. Some of the challenges with giftedness include extreme anxiety, depression (up to and including Kindergartners who wish they were dead), loneliness, perfectionism, etc. Twice Exceptional children are highly gifted AND challenged with learning diability/ies. I often get told that someone is dealing with "the other end of the spectrum," which is not accurate. An obvious concept that floored me yesterday is the fact that sports and the arts are level-differentiated without controversy all the time within the schools. You have to try out for the varsity teams. You have to audition for parts in theater and chairs on competition musical groups. There is good reason for it. We don't want to keep those kids motivated and/or talented in those areas from stretching themselves and practicing at a higher level. What we don't understand is why it is seen as irrational to apply the same concepts to educational subjects, like science and math. If you are in a school district that does offer some differentiation, be thankful and protect it. There are schools in affluent areas of MN that are administratively opposed to it, and even principals that tell parents that "it's just a cop out." I disagree. There was much discussion yesterday about the school system, and I think most people misunderstand our approach to this. We are extremely PRO-teacher. Yes, we homeschool, but only after trying and failing to make traditional school work with the help of FABULOUS professionals within the schools. I admire and respect and am thankful for teachers, and other education professionals. The system that they have to work within right now, not so much. A free ebook recommended yesterday is "A Nation Deceived: How Schools Hold Back America's Brightest Students" which is available for free download in many languages. The title is purposely provocative, and it is available free of charge in the hopes that many will read it and think about the situation and concepts within the book. I love people. I love smart people. I love people who are less intelligent. Everyone has value, and I learn from people of all backgrounds, ages, etc. You may disagree with me, and I can respect you. Please be respectful in your replies, and I will respect you whether or not I agree with you. Wishing you and all children an environment where they can thrive and love learning!

Rule Kids

This week, a couple of girls from our homeschool coop had been talking about going to a park after classes. M asked me if we could join them. She asked the girls, very politely, if she could join them. Then, we followed a van around a less-familiar part of town to the park. There are several sections to this park. There is a pool that we did not use, a big, open room with wheeled toys and a giant bouncer, and a climbing area. The biggest drama was around rules. We used to joke that M could be left with her buddy G all day with only 3 rules and they would never break one of them and be perfectly safe without supervision. Of course, we never did that, but you get the idea. I also took G with us to an indoor park, where he read all the rules aloud (in Kindergarten) and was distraught when kids we'd never met before weren't following all of them. I finally calmed him down by explaining that there were other adults that were responsible for those kids, and that it would be inappropriate for me to interfere with those children. He relented, then accidentally ran (no running allowed, of course), apologized and continued to walk quickly . . . luckily, I was out of earshot as I laughed! The first drama this week was watching the kids read every one of the rules, make sure they qualified to use whatever they were currently reading about, then letting loose. There was some concern about where to leave shoes, etc. It reached a head when there was some girl drama, which starts alarmingly young, over M trying to say that she didn't want to go in an area because her younger and taller friend was too tall to go in there. What she meant was that she wanted to play with B, so she was leaving that area. B heard that M didn't want to play with her because she was breaking rules. Ah, the laughter with rule kids. After the mothers figured out what was really being said, M apologized for the miscommunication and the three girls were in loud fits of happiness once again. Do you have a rule kid? What's your favorite evidence of it? It left me smiling for hours that all three of these girls from different families all had that trait. I wonder if it's a personality component that drew them to each other, or if it's some other correlation . . . any theories?

Anniversary month

My husband reminded me several times lately that this is our anniversary month for the topic of this blog. This is the month where the decreasing sunlight seemed to correspond directly with a degeneration in M's self-confidence and happiness . . . in her general ability to function. I wish I could say it reverted quickly, and compared with some situations it did. However, we had months of bewilderment, sleeplessness, tears all around, etc. As the darkness increases during this season, I think of Sting's song "Mercury Falling" which is literally about Fall - the fall in temperature as measured by a thermometer. It's a sad song, and I still believe I'm evolved from some form of plant; as the darkness increases, I somewhat wilt. This year has been different, though. M has changed so much, and we have been able to do more with greater amounts of joy and fewer disruptions in the routine of life than . . . . ever before, I think. It's such a relief! We are still tired, and this mom has definitely been taking the darkness as a sign that more naps are prescribed :) Wishing you rest and peace in this season, as well as hope for brighter seasons ahead. No matter where you are in the journey, I recommend cuddling on the couch and napping with your baby boy or girl.

Ratatouille

I was watching this on DVD with M the other day - it's one of my favorites lately. There's a scene where the older woman shoots a bunch of holes in her ceiling trying to get a rat in her house. She does so much structural damage that the ceiling crashes down with an entire colony of rats sitting in the middle of the fallen piece. At this point, I was expecting something expressing concern for the animals from M - she put on a show telling us all the reasons killing bugs was not good recently. However, she turned to me and said, "She must not have looked in her attic for a long time."

My soul is sick

I'm sorry for being so silent for a while. Our immediate family is doing well. The journey is not easy, and I'm gaining grey hair quickly, but M is happy and thriving. However, my soul feels sick. There are wonderful awareness events and and efforts for so many different challenges related to parenting and kids who are wired differently in many ways. Highly gifted kids are not included in much effort for awareness and effort. That was part of my goal in starting this blog. I found plenty of intellectual information, but almost nothing related to the emotional journey. This week, I was made aware of another parent who is struggling with the school systems for her highly gifted child. The results of the test that the school administered (chosen because of insurance coverage) was deemed inconclusive - the range of IQ was over 25 points across the categories, so it's considered a dud test. Since these kids are wired differently, they are often misidiagnose or mislabeled. This family is doing their best and saving up for a testing session with an administrator who is familiar with giftedness and the ways that it affects the testing process and results. They will not have better information soon. We were lucky. M got a great first test, and God helped us find a more direct path through earthly angels. Yes, we paid for it, and it was not cheap. The changes we have made as a result should make our financial lifestyle drastically altered, but it is not. God is faithful. I love His math. The other event that makes my soul feel sick right now is that I was told of an instance of inexcusable physical behavior between children at one of the main schools for kids like M in our area, and a popular choice because it is covered with federal funding. It's the second family with problematic experiences there that we've heard from directly. I wonder if there are others. It's seems unfair that these kids go through so much challenge and frustration in their education, then so many of them are finding a situation that is physically unsafe. The reactions of the staff seems woefully blase, at this point. There was follow-up, but the label put on it, "bullying" doesn't fit my definition of all that happened. Yes, there was bullying. In the opinion of the child and the family - and myself, the last straw went beyond bullying, into the category of abuse. Protecting our children can be so difficult. I understand that hard knocks can make solid lessons, but there are limits that have been crossed. We had planned on that school for M at some point. We are now back to "What next?" It doesn't change our immediate actions, but is disheartening on multiple levels. I believe God is good and faithful. I believe He has minimized the impact on the children, but I am still disheartened. Soul sick. Pray for these children and their families with me, please. An update: I spent time with the victim the day following the worst incident, and again a few days later. It was alarming to see the evidence of the encounter in the child's behavior early in the week. By the end of the week, I was pleased to see the person I remember from my other encounters with them. Joy had returned, and a previously loved school was begun the following week (they had only left for homeschooling, and not because of issues with that school). I pray that there will continue to be follow-up, both earthly and divine, within the school to protect the many other precious children there.

Learning vs Teaching vs Coordinating vs Facilitating

Homeschooling has so many stereotypes that go with it. What makes this so difficult for me is that everyone does it so differently, yet people outside of homeschooling circles seem to make widespread assumptions about it. I read a blog today that made a point of saying you cannot be homeschooling while you're on the phone (she had been homeschooling for 20 years) or on fb, etc. While I agree that some degree of hands-on teaching is necessary, I felt a twist in that concept. My daughter is learning how to learn. Our challenge isn't to get her to a certain level in most things, overall. She is ahead in everything, and I don't want her feeling pushed to grow up too quickly. Instead, she needs to gain confidence and flexibility in her learning. When I get involved to my elbows, I have a tendency to take over and almost do it for her, especially when frustrated. Others in our homeschool group have the same experiences. This year, I am using a curriculum - Biblioplan, and I love how flexible it is. We are using a very broad, thorough enhanced version of the curriculum, and it covers history, geography, art, literature, spirituality, politics and more. M is absolutley loving it. She cannot get enough. As the name indicates, it begins with the Bible. I ran into a stunned parent within our homeschool group when I told him that I "taught" creation, evolution and big bang theories. I don't understand the confusion. She knows what we believe, and she is very interested in science, so is constantly running into evolution references, etc. She needs to know the theories. We talk about what I don't know, and I tell her it is because "I wasn't there when the world began" or that "I don't believe I will every understand the mind of God" and similar things. She is beginning to be comfortable not knowing, and wondering. Perfectionism runs rampant with kids like her, so this is a key point of our approach, and I believe makes a bigger difference than many of the "core" concepts. When it comes to math, we sit down and do a couple of examples together, most of the time. For grammar, that occurs sometimes, but less and less often. She knows to ask me when she is confused, etc. Very rarely do I look at her work and ask for corrections - and even then, only when the general concept is wrong, rather than a few problems/examples. I do not believe that I am a delinquint homeschooler with this approach, which does allow me considerable time online. Facebook is one of my links to the outside world, and as homeschooling can be isolating and overwhelming, I find this to be a benefit, rather than a hindrance. We watched "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" the other day, as we are studying Egyptions along the Nile and the middle kingdom and the life of Joseph. M has been reading a lot about life in ancient Egypt, and as we watched, she told me that Joseph's cup (slipped into Benjamin's bag) should be silver "because silver was valued above gold in Ancient Egypt." I personally don't know if this is true, but believe her to retain most information correctly and it led to a great discussion. She felt empowered and confident that she had asked a question I had never considered. Then, Elvis-Ramses entered the scene & she laughed and said "I doubt it happened that way," sounding at least a decade beyond her tender years. I giggled with her. Bottom line for me is that there are many "right" ways to educate, since there are many different ways to learn and each child is different. It upsets me when people judge my decision, but I fight the temptation to retaliate when someone is shockingly rude. There are many right answers. We are not homeschooling because we believe that public schools are wrong. We are homeschooling because it is right for our daughter right now. We didn't choose this method because it is right for everyone. We chose it because it motivates and resonates with our daughter - it is right for her right now . . . Acceptance and Peace to you this week - I hope you are welcoming Fall with warm hearts!

Perceptions, presumption, precociousness and pretense

The start of a new school year - wow!! It's been tricky to get into a groove the last few weeks, but we're getting there. In the meantime, I'll admit I've been grumpy. While I was thrilled not to be doing the traditional very-specific back-to-school shopping list, there have been few places we go that the curiousness of our situation hasn't come up, due to the increase in questions about school. While M gets mistaken for being younger than she is, it is more obvious this year that our situation is non-traditional as people ask why she is not in school on a school day. I enjoyed the summer break more than I realized, apparently. More recently, I was in an environment heavily populated with people from my past. The circumstances for the situation were wonderful, and I'm glad we went. M was determined to go with me. I braced myself for LOTS of uncomfortable conversations with people unfamiliar with the last year of our lives. Interestingly, there were hardly any. Seriously, this is VERY rare for a day outside our home, even if we are among strangers. I found that many people either found her precosciousness adorable enough that they couldn't resist hugging a girl they didn't know. They didn't, however, ask for details about our lives. I got questions about where we lived, assessing the size and value of our homes (I presume, as their following comments compared other homes to our area in these ways). I got many speeches about what other people's kids my age were now doing (with as many references to high-pride jobs as possible, or statistics are wrong). Not one person asked what I am now doing. There were many questions about my connections to other people there (or in their circles). After almost an hour, I bumped into a girl I used to know - the older sister to a girl who had been in school with my daughter for years. She's a sweetie and started interacting with us. Her mother turned, and I asked about her other children. I got very short answers (which is very out of character), and she shuffled her daughter away, without one question about my daughter, who had been a playmate and schoolmate to her daughter for years. I wasn't as surprised as you might think, since it was consistent with the woman's personality. However, I was shocked at the coldness. I was able to keep M's attention away from it, fortunately. She misses her old friends. For months, we made attempts to reconnect with several of them. Only 1-2 followed up with us or made plans. This, I believe, is the part that is most difficult to figure out. My husband and I are seen as braggers if/when we talk about our daughter. I'd love to be able to be a proud parent without that perception. Celebrating milestones is perfectly normal, such as finishing gradeschool, among other things. However, since M is hitting milestones earlier, we're seen as proud in the sense of bragging, rather than in the sense of being appropriately appreciative and supportive of our daughter. This is one of the reasons I'm so excited to get back to our coop. I love that we can be around those people, express pleasure and express concern without the severe judgement that we encounter so often . . . It makes me sad, especially as I see so much in the media about being tolerant, appreciating and accepting differences, etc. I feel like our situation isn't included in the effort. At the risk of ruining my recently-earned reputation for being joyful, I bid you good night on that note. Hope your school year is off to a fabulous and fun start, no matter what your situation includes!!!

playdate prep/fitting in

This will be my last post today, as I'm finally getting a few ideas out there officially. We have been getting to know a new friend who lives close to us. I believe God put the 2 of us mothers together for a reason one day last Spring, and our kids are a lot alike. They are both highly gifted, very driven in science, not at all driven in math (except as it facilitates science), and they talk alike. For those of you who know us personally, you'll know what a big deal this is. Strangers stop me, giggling and comment on how adorable and precicious it is . . . most of the time. Then, there was the old man at a garage sale who didn't appreciate hearing that her snails were hermaphrodites (from her own mouth) . . . I digress. Last week I picked this boy up for an afternoon at our house, and as he has siblings, it was their first time interacting independently. M was SOOOOO excited. She thanked and hugged me repeatedly for setting it up. His mom was also excited and thanked me repeatedly. This is part of the sad stuff with gifted kids, but playdates are . . . pretty rare. To find a peer who has similar interests and interacts in a similar way is more difficult when you are statistically less common - it's simple logic, but emotional explosive for some of us. M said, "So this is kindof like a playdate?" I said, "No, it's exactly like a playdate." That brought a big grin. There are a few years between these kids, which is not much in gifted circles - we increase social circles by widening the age group, I think. Dr Ruf says that dividing children into peer groups by age makes as much sense as dividing them by height - both equally limited in which ways those kids will be peers. There have been many questions this summer posed to M about her age. Most people guess young. Very young. Even compared to how young she actually is. I have heard other parents and older kids in our homeschool coop talk about this insecurity related to their giftedness. One girl is studying Asian languages because she feels less insecure around cultures who tend to be genetically smaller - this from the 14-yr-old girl herself. M has her own version of it & I didn't realize until she was getting ready for her playdate. She got dressed very carefully, putting on a size 6X tank top with built-in shelf bra and denim capris with matching (rare, indeed) stitching on them. Her friend probably did not notice what she was wearing. The shelf bra's main purpose seems to be to wierd my husband out. However, just knowing that it's called a shelf bra makes her feel older and more mature. As her friend is older than she is, she wore clothes that made her feel older, and therefore more comfortable and equal. When he talked to me more than her upon first arriving at our house, she got jealous. She gets her patience from her mother and after 5-10 minutes, grabbed him by the wrist and literally dragged him away from me, asking him to play Wii with her. He has younger siblings, so is used to beign dragged around, and looked quite pleased at the attention. They spent hours playing Wii working as a team and it was so easy on me. More recently, she was with her younger cousins. She wore polka-dotted knit pants and a t-shirt that definitely look younger. Funny how she's already dressing to fit in. I guess it starts early for all of us females, huh?

Awkward principal encounter

We were at our local medical clinic for a normal appointment, and were surprised to run into the principal from M's previous school in the waiting area. We think the world of him, so in general, seeing him is not overly awkward. However, M started going on and on about everything she could think to tell him. Like I said, we think the world of him, and clearly she agrees. Then she says, "and Mom can't keep up with me, so when if I finish ___ grade early, we're going to quit homeschooling and unschool again." This is a partially correct quote. In order to fully understand, I must back up. The last grade she started and completed in 5 weeks, then I quit homeschooling her for the year. In the meantime, we have been unschooling. Basicly, this means teaching through everyday activities. Highly gifted children can't seem to get enough information to satisfy their appetite, so the concept is that you don't need to encourage them. Honestly, she has probably completed another grade in the 4 months that we have been unschooling. I laughed at her comment in front of the principal, and he looked curious. "Honey, we aren't going to stop at the end of ___ grade this year." This was out before I could process how much/little the principal knows, etc. Luckily, I didn't voice the next immediate thought, "the state wouldn't be pleased if I stopped schooling you before Halloween" . . . It felt like a long pause as I gathered my thoughts. M was uttering a disappointed and confused "oh" while the principal's eyebrows did a high jump. As M ran off to a different part of the waiting room, I quietly said, "I'm planning about 3 grades worth of material for this year. If she completes that early, I'm definitely quitting!" He agreed and expressed both surprised and excitement for us. Like I said, this is an awesome principal. Funny . . . that wasn't what I expected to happen on my way through the waiting room at the doctor's office . . .

state fair

The end of summer is drawing very near, which means state fair time around here. I was a both amused and uncomfortable when our daughter was invited to help run the booth for the state mensa group. Then again, I didn't know what that was 9 months ago, so maybe I shouldn't be so concerned. My husband saw the postcard and laughed, saying "Do they realize she's only 7?" Probably not, I'm guessing.

Summer Reading programs - rewards are hard?!

Around here, we like to take advantage of the summer reading programs. After all, it's essentially just free stuff we collect. M reads constantly anyway, so it's a matter of filling out a form and maybe doing a bit of coloring. Today, we turned one of those forms in to a local library. The librarian was very sweet and excited. She asked if it had been hard, or if all that reading had been done at the beginning of the summer. M seemed disinterested in the conversation. That persistent librarian asked what she had chosen to read. I could see a mental list of all the titles flashing through her head and M got completely overwhelmed, then said, "I don't remember." I said, "Lots of stuff. Tell her about one or two, at least." There was an awkward pause, then some awkward sentences about butterflies. The librarians eyes had been squinting in concentration, but widened steadily as the flow began. Pretty soon, the librarian and I had learned about a species of butterflies from an aread we vacationed this summer. At a national park M had insisted we visit, she bought a book on butterflies of the area (which she also told the librarian was the source of her information, as if she was reading a research paper). Apparently, there is a variety of butterflies that live their entire lives inside a wood-like enclosure, and even pupate (her word, not mine) inside of it. So, the caterpillar and butterfly live inside of this wooden shell-like structure for the life of the creature. Did I mention that she sounded much more professional delivering the information? I have translated it into terms that make sense to me. That convinced the librarian she had done the reading. Honestly, I never knew about any of that, since I cannot possibly hear about everything she reads. I'm OK with that. Moving on, part of the prize is a new book, and they have a cart full of choices. That sounds like the easy part, right?! Wrong! My girl is a non-fiction girl, and the only non-fiction is in level readers (think past board books, but before chapter books). They had a wide variety, but this was very hard. The sweet librarian offered to tell her about some of them, having recovered from her surprise, and asked what grade M would be in this Fall. While this is a much more logical and effective approach than asking age, or assuming you can tell by the look of a child, it doesn't work with M. She is reading multiple grade levels above her accelerated grade level, so M continue to get more and more frustrated. She looked shy, but as her mother, I saw a pressure-cooker reaching danger point. The librarian remained persistent and got creative, playing up the nature interest by finding novels that include a lot of nature, and simultaneously playing up the nonfiction end by finding historical novels that include quite a bit of accurate historical information. We ended up with a book about the Titanic. Probably not what you'd expect if you saw M on the street. Most of the time people guess she is between 4 and 6 somewhere. She's not, but that is only the start of the complicated individual that is my child. If this concept is intriguing/entertaining to you, check out the Mysterious Benedict Society books, and pay attention to the smallest member. They are a bit dark, but appropriate at younger ages than many more mainstream series. M enjoyed the first one, but didn't want to go through the others. I might have to, anyway. I thought they were fascinating and touching.

Playdates and playmates

What do you picture when you think of kids interacting and getting to know one another? For girls, maybe you expect to hear talk of their favorite princesses. For boys, maybe their favorite superhero. Maybe you expect to hear talk of their favorite games, sports, toys or music. With any age, it seems like we try to find something in common to talk about - a common interest. There is a local child whose mother and I have been talking. Our kids have much in common, so of course, we've been saying we need to get the kids together. Finally, it happened, and ended up being a larger family outing of sorts. The kids, having heard about each other, were naturally curious about each other, as the adults got introduced all around. Before long, it was clear that these kids DO mesh well. I didn't hear about any superhero talk, nor games, nor sports, nor movies or music. I heard them talk about dogs giving birth. My husband heard M tell the boy about her snails, and I assume she mentioned how quickly it had multiplied from one. The boy said they must be asexual. M said that yes, they are hermaphrodites. And the conversation continued as if this was a typical everyday conversation. My husband was not surprised, but had to sit back and notice another new normal. As we were heading our different ways, the boy was talking about how the moon appears larger during some parts of its orbit around the earth and why that was . . . yep, this is a kindred spirit for M. I just never imagined that a sign of a good childhood friend for my daughter would be evident in a conversation about the reproductive practices of snails . . . Anyone else have their atypical kid conversations to share?

Fishy stuff

I've been AWOL for a while, but busy accumulating more observations of our new normal. We recently took a summer vacation to an area that is full of amazing things to explore. One particular group of them is much more commonly visited than the others, so we got to address that assumption over and over. Although the parents were willing, the child was not interested :) Instead, we visited a historical site M read about in her history curriculum last school year, a couple of science destinations and some sea life destinations. It was a blast, and none of us missed the "main attraction" of the area. I never thought we'd be visiting a science museum in a different area, as the MN science museum is awesome, and . . . not many people do that. However, that was a major draw for M. The best part is that they had different local attractions, just like SMM has the Mississippi River Parks exhibit in the entry. Our membership is also part of a reciprocal membership to science and technology museums across the country, so it worked there o.O - SO cool to save on top of everything! Most people return home with stuffed animals and t-shirts and photos and sunburn. We did bring back all of those things. We also brought back an unusually high number of nonfiction books. One of them features Angry Birds, which is SOOOOO cool. I'm the biggest fan in the family. Don't be fooled; the book is full of nonfiction info and features Angry Birds characters on every page. I'm still thrilled at that find. Most moms look for jewelry - I brought my mom a piece of jewelry back, but I was more excited about my Angry Birds book . . . I mean, the book we bought for M ;) We returned to a fish tank that had an algae infestation. Apparently, in our area this happens to tanks a lot. We were the tenth family or so to ask about it at the fish store. This was very emotional for M, but she was taking in everything the clerk said, even though she didn't appear to be, and even though I was struggling to follow it. This young man was very knowledgeable, very passionate about fish and tanks, and talked at lightning speed. I have a headache just remembering it. Through the whole thing I was concerned that she wasn't listening, yet . . . Algae infestations can be caused by one spore airborn. As we live in an area of many lakes, and fish tanks have lights and warmer water than outside, this creates problems. The solution is not fun, but relatively simple. There is basicly algae poison. They asked about what we had in the tank and were reading the warnings related to one particular fish we have (a pleco, I believe). As the salesman read the fine print, he spoke even faster, and I basicly heard that our fish and plant would be fine. I said OK and grabbed the bottle. "Wait!" I was startled to hear from my 7-year-old. "Invertebrates includes my snails, right?" Uh . . . I vaguely recalled hearing some slurred syllables that sounded vaguely like that in between the whines from my daughter who is quite attached to her fish tank. She was right. The salesman didn't seem concerned, calling the type of hermaphrodite snails we have "cocroaches of the aquarium world" and shrugging. My daughter wailed . . . this guy was too young to get that you don't talk like that in front of an emotional 7-year-old, even when she seems more aware than her mother that snails are invertebrates. He never did seem to catch on to that . . . ah well. My girl is very into science and has taken many classes from scientists. She is aware that some species are becoming extinct because of humans and some are because of other animals. She also knows that there are animals that have been relocated by humans and are causing imbalances in the ecosystems where they were relocated. However, when it relates to the snails she hugs goodnight and spends hours talking to, this concept got lost inside the fact that she is seven and loves her snails. We went from one to more than a dozen quite quickly, and she has named most of them . . . and can tell them apart. Did I mention that the largest one is about the size of a very small pea?! We also have several pockets of snail eggs on the side of the tank, even after an algae treatment that is supposed to be toxic to invertebrates. I digress. In the end, these snails cannot be released into a local body of water, even though they probably originated here (as they came to us through SMM). I am adamant about not telling lies to my daughter. We seriously answer her questions about santa by telling her about St Nicholas and she helps fill stockings for St Nicholas Day. I don't want to lie to her. Those of you thinking you never want snails, please learn from our mistakes. There are snails that are born male and female. They have beautifully decorative shells and are larger than what we have. They only breed in salt water, but survive in fresh water. You can have snails without having an infestation problem, but ask questions to avoid the drama. The kind of snails we have are generally food for other fish . . . and snails. Seriously. So, we have a jar of protected "favorite snails" (including Muncher, Dotty and Speck, among otherss) in a jar next to the aquarium while we do the algae treatments. Eventually, they will be put back into the aquarium and M will choose a fish and/or snail that eat the mini snails, in hopes of balancing our ecosystem. We are hopeful that there will be some small snails in the tank on an ongoing basis, but that additional pets in the aquarium will keep the population under control. We did some light research. If we leave the algae unchecked, everything in the tank will have the oxygen used up and all of the animals will die. I don't like that one. Plus, the green water looks and smells bad! If we leave the snails unchecked in the tank, they will reproduce until the food is gone and all die at once. That would be drama. In addition, the shells would get into the filter and burn up that motor, necessitating some major expense (that our daughter is covering from her earnings). That option didn't sound much better, and I'll admit to having nightmares about the snails getting thick and pouring out of the tank, pushing open the lid from sheer numbers . . . .*shiver* . . . We could leave the snails in the tank during the algae treatment and they would probably all die. That didn't go over with M. Even if they didn't, or the eggs survived, we'd need another solution. In the end, she chose the idea of predator fish, although there was wailing about Muncher being eaten . . . There were tears at first, and we had to balance her age with her interests and intellect, which isn't easy. However, I think it will be a good lesson. We also offered to make the decisions for her, if she'd rather. She wanted to choose. I'm glad my husband brought up the emotional struggle of wondering if she had made the right decision. He wanted her to know that we would make the decision if that would be easier for her. Another adventure in our new normal. Hard lessons, but good ones.

Sick = Anatomy lesson . . . for Mom

My daughter was moaning and complaining in her sleep. Of course, as a caring mother, I went in and talked with her. She didn't say much, except that her throat hurt and she didn't know what was wrong, but she was quietly crying. She felt warm, so I took her temperature . . . fever. She welled up with tears at the news, but took her medicine obediently. I reminded her that each sickness makes us stronger, building up our immunity to the new bug. She giggled, smiled, and started talking about how white blood cells "gobble up the germ" and how she'd like to see that. From there, she talked about platelets (yellow was the key word for me) and on and on . . . "When I was four or five, I thought there were only red blood cells in there [arteries, etc.]" ~M Not the converstaion I was expecting at 2 AM, as she woke up sick and upset/uncomfortable. She also said, "What are sinuses again? I keep forgetting that part." I explained briefly and simply. "Is that how your ears nose and throat are connected?" was her response. I had been massaging her sinuses to help relieve some of her discomfort . . . One more example of how our new normal still feels wierd. It's cool, though :)

What did you call that fly?!

We ate outside tonight. There are bugs outside. Normally, bugs are a source of fascination for hours, to the point that we must stop everything to notice each moth, etc. Tonight, a fork clanged, there was pointing, and I heard, "I think a fly might have landed on that." "Probably. Flies are outside. Keep eating." ~me "But flies are cargo planes for really bad microbes." She had me there. After wondering if this was a wierd feverish dream, I recovered enough to insist she finish her dinner. I need a larger vocabulary to dispute my daughter's rationalizations not to eat.

I love oxymorons

A brilliant friend steered me to this. Check it out. http://gizmodo.com/5918045/why-smart-people-are-actually-dumb

Just a kid

Anyone else remember the TV show Doogie Hauser MD? It's about a kid who becomes a doctor . . . when he's still a kid. I don't remember seeing many of the shows, but the actor is back in a number of things, now an adult. I don't remember many situation where emotional immaturity was much of a source of conflict for him in the show, but I do remember the concept of him having a hard time relating to other kids. Here's another, probably better-known example. In Family Ties, Alex P Keaton (Michael J Fox) set his sister Jennifer up with a boy genius, who laughably gives her an x-ray of his brain as a romantic gesture. In our house, we had a different kind of a situation most recently. M was acting her age, and relating just as any girl her age would. There are times where she seems emotionally advanced for her age, in my opinion, but we had a more "normal" experience. It broke my heart. There was a family event that was frightening and sad. It involved a hospital visit, and some of the things you'd expect to go along with that. My girl sat quietly on her dad's lap and showed little interest or curiosity about x-rays, machines, etc. That sounds perfectly normal, I'd imagine. Not so very long ago, this same girl visited a friend in the hospital with more elaborate medical accessories involved. She unabashedly asked questions about the machines, was curious about everything, and once her questions were satisfied, she climbed into the hospital bed with the patient. As they were young, this was accomplished easily. That hospital visit was more serious and prolonged. However, it was not as emotionally difficult. The strongest emotion expressed was her determination to visit her friend. Determination is the precise word, I assure you. I heard that it didn't matter that her friend would have to stay in bed and not play, but that she was sick and in the hospital and that she REALLY WANTED to go see her friend. Obviously, with age comes increased awareness of the reality of health and mortality. However, her approach then was not typical, from all we heard. I was very proud of her for that - I still am. The more recent experience did not leave me disappointed with her, in any way. However, a friend recently laughed and said, "I keep forgetting how young she is." Indeed. It's such an unusual mix. I often hear that I need to give her time to "catch up emotionally" because of her advanced scholastic situation. I find this mostly confusing. What is emotional maturity, anyway? I know some children who are and some adults beyond my years who are not. The entire concept is difficult for me to wrap my head around. I'm not suggesting that kids be treated like teenagers when their intellect is comparable, of course. However, I'm constantly reminded that we have so many ways that we try to make everything the same and comparable. I still do, and I've been dealing with some pretty unusual situations pretty constantly for a while now . . . . I started this blog for several reasons, including to help myself make sense of my thoughts. This particular attempt has failed, but perhaps it's emotional hangover from the hospital incident recently. Maybe I need to learn more from others in order to put my own thoughts together and have a better understanding. Or maybe I need to catch up emotionally ;)

Pushy Mom/False Assumptions

We have been so busy lately!  It's so much good stuff, but it also has us mostly around people who are not part of the sphere that we have been comfortably incubated in for a bit.  We've enjoyed the company of some incredible people and doing some really fun activities.  However, I was reminded just how differently we see the world now than we did just a few months ago.  People who are not experiencing this firsthand have a hard time understanding it, even when they want to.  Maybe it's insecurity, but I experience people seeing me as a pushy mom pretty regularly . . . whenever we're not surrounded by families with highly gifted people, that is. . .

One of my greatest fears and aversion as we began this journey was that my daughter would feel pushed to grow up too quickly.  Closely associated with that was that she would feel that it was incumbant upon her to overachieve in every area.  This is an unrealistic goal for anyone, and for a perfectionist, it's downright painful!  As I have watched her and worked with her, I've learned that she needs more reign and less bit.  When she finished a grade level in a matter of weeks, I forced myself to celebrate with her.  Inside, and after bedtime, I was scared to death, and I cried as I realized just how different her life will be than I expected/hoped or than the "average" experience.  Sure, there are wonderful things to this, but I still grieve the loss of the dreams and hopes I had.

Next school year, she will likely finsih three grade levels.  Taken out of context and at face value, this sounds ridiculous.  Last year, I would have interpreted this to be the statement of a pushy mother.  The truth is that I would love it if she were satisfied and thriving with one grade level each year.  Another truth is that she has not been.  She is happier when she is allowed to gallop through the material, so I'm preparing to allow her some galloping room next school year.  I'm planning three grade levels worth of curriculum for homeschooling.  If we finish only one, I will not be disappointed.  I'll be thrilled that I have the upcoming work already planned, in fact.  If she finishes three grade levels worth of work by January, I will quit curriuculum again until the next school year, most likely . . . and there will be more crying . . . and probably swearing, on my part.

The beginning of last year, we struggled to find a routine and system that worked for both of us.  It took 2 moths to finish the grade level we had pulled her out of in December . . . and I had started from the beginning of the grade level. Apparently, we learned to work well together, because she finished the next grade level in 5 weeks.  It was a rare day when she spent more than an hour and a half on school work during an entire day.  This was something we did only three or four days per week.  I was hardly running her hard.  However, she finished the work in less time than I spent preparing it . . . only now can I think about that without crying, and merely sigh.

Around other children, my daughter runs around screaming and can seem almost like a toddler.  At a recent science class, she was acting more like a fifth grader . . .  I find it hard to believe that many balance this range of behavioral ages.  We also deal with teenager attitudes on a regular basis.  None of those behavioral patterns match the stereotypical behavior for her age. 

It's a part of her that I think it wonderful.  She thoroughly enjoys herself and embraces her childlike desires.  She also thinks deeply and intently, which enables her to view things in a very advanced creative way.  Sometimes, her insights astound me; her perspective is beautiful.  In our approach to her education, it would be easy to believe that we are not allowing her to be a kid.  However, she is embracing what she desire, rather than what we do - bugs, for instance.  I won't get into that, beyond the fact that someone recently predicted that she will be an entimologist, which means I should learn to spell it.  It is too late at night for me to bother with spelling at the moment, however.

We are learning to embrace the differences in her and also cater to them, as much as possible.  For instance, her grandparents are now forbidden to send bugs home, in a jar or otherwise.  However, we recently procured a hamster cage and will be letting her get and care for a hamster.  More animals are not on the parents' wish list in this house, but M is obsessed with them.  We will own a hamster.  She decided to get rid of virtually all of her toys.  This was scary and is still wierd, in my opinion.  However, she doesn't play with them, and would rather sell them in a garage sale and have the money for her fish tank and other fun projects, like a hamster.  We will allow her to sell or give away most or all of her toys.  Maybe she's better at living the simple life than we are. . . .

I wish you all simple pleasures.  Today, some of mine were time with incredible and hard-working women who I thoroughly appreciate.  Some others were finding clothes in our garage sale preparations for both my daughter and myself.  We are looking forward to the learning experienc of a garage sale, which is also something that our daughter requested.  I'm looking forward to it, even though I have been working very hard.  She has done well, also.  Good night.

varying degrees of giftedness

Doesn't everyone have varying degrees of giftedness?  I think so.  If you are referring to adults, few would disagree with you.  Why do we expect children to be so different?

I realize that initially, children's jobs are eating, sleeping, and growing.  A little later, you add things like learning to communicate and move.  A little while after that, learning colors, letters, etc.  However, why on earth wouldn't children immediately have different levels of affinity for different things?  Isn't that part of what makes us unique and interesting?

I know several girls who were reading at an extremely advanced level before school started, to the extent that they were singled out for reading classes right at the beginning of school.  In the cases I have in mind, all successfully remained in mainstreamed schools and ended up in mainstream classes at their "appropriate age level" in a local district that is fabulous with giftedness - the one our daughter attended, in fact.  The girls I'm thinking of are both taller than me, and one is an adult.

Our daughter did not read early.  Many have told me that their children aren't gifted because they aren't ahead in reading or math.  I disagree with the logic.  I also believe that generalizing like that can be damaging, and I speak from experience.  I grew up the daughter of a (retired) teacher, and had to face another (scary) mother's disbelief that my mother didn't teach me to read before school started.  I was shocked, confused and hurt.  I wondered if I should know how to read.  I wondered if I was behind or dumb.  I wondered if I should be angry with my mother - she had been a teacher, after all.  I must have been about 5 at the time.

I talked to my mother about it.  I don't remember that exact conversation as clearly as the other mother's unfortunate approach.  However, my mother assured me that she knew I was bright and that I would learn to read when I was interested.  I hadn't been interested in reading, yet, and she was sure I would pick it up in plenty of time, in school or before.  She was so completely unconcerned about it that I calmed down.  She was right.  I didn't read early, but I was always in the top reading group in school.  I even went on to study foreign literature in depth . . . for fun :)

Our daughter is small and mistaken for a younger girl because of her stature.  Lately, when people ask her if she is an age younger than her own, she replies that she is a ___ grader.  The first time she did it, I laughed out loud, which confused the poor lady having a garage sale.  I confirmed that she was in that grade and we moved on.  My husband and I laughed really hard that night after bedtime when I related the story, however.  I guess she is over feeling wierd for being ahead in school.  I hope these experiences are hurtful to her, and that her new approach is a sign that she is confident in her identity.

I battle self-consciousness as a mother, too.  When people hear her talk out and about during the school week, I get a lot of questions about why she isn't in school.  When she announces her grade and age, I get a lot of judgement from people - some in facial expression, and others boldly aloud and repetitive, even from strangers.  It doesn't make our unusual situation any easier and has (hopefully) taught me to be more sensitive and open-minded about others who have made different decisions than myself.  I also hope that my daughter has confidence in my decision-making, as I did in my mother's.

To complicate matters, I work with many educators . . . or used to - I just quit to allow me to relax more and enjoy the experience with my daughter.  Many wonderfully caring and well-meaning mothers that I have known through my work have suggested that the school system can find a solution.  I disagree in the case of my daughter.  Here is where I finally get back to my title.

Currently, the only thing holding back my daughter's voracious scientific appetite is her lack of confidence in (or maybe patience with) math.  She is several grades further in science than math.  She is almost as advanced in reading as she is in science, but her grammar and hand-writing are at the level of her math.  When there is a several grade-range difference in subjects, especially inter-related ones, and you have a complicated lesson plan and educational challenge.  For instance, how do you learn about physics and chemistry without math at a similar grade level?  How do you write appropriate book reports on advanced literature when you are still mastering grammar and verb conjugation?  I believe that the areas where she is most interested are the same areas where she is most motivated/gifted.  My approach has been to encourage her (in the most positive way I'm capable) to close the gap between her skill levels wherever it's appropriate.

My daughter is motivated by milestones, which is part of the reason we are keeping track of a grade level.  While I don't want her to feel pushed to get further ahead, we are assigning her the grade level of her lowest-achievements.  For some, this would be focusing on the negative.  For her, this is incentive and goal-setting.  Knowing that she can have a new milestone met makes learning less attractive subjects more fun.  I'm also being open with her about how those skills can help open opporutnities for her in the subjects she is most interested in, like science.  If something seems unnecessary to me, I am not motivated to learn it.  If something is useful and relevant, I am interested and motivated.  I simply point out the relevence and use of the information she is less interested in.  That approach wouldn't work with every kid, but it fits her.

Recently, a woman pressed that she could just skip a grade (hearing what grade she is officially in - the math and grammar grade).  This woman is very caring and has genuine concern for me and my family.  However, it's not that simple.  I wasn't in a situation where I could explain it to her, and am too tired to get into it now.  I include this only as a little insight into my world and regular interactions.  There's a reason I'm always tired.  It's not that people don't care, but the way they try to help isn't always helpful.

People assume that I am against the education system.  Honestly, I'm not sure if that is true or not.  I always intended to use the public school system for my child(ren), just as I used it.  She was at a fabulous school.  However, I believe that the government is making it difficult for schools and teachers to individualize learning.  Since I believe kids are highly individual, I consider this to be a significant problem in the modern education system.  It has changed a lot since I was in school.  I still think that the mainstream schools are the right choice for some kids.  I don't expect the government to address my every need, including the education my daughter.  My biggest challenge right now is overcoming my anger with a system that doesn't address the needs of my child and calls itself "no child left behind."  That phrase doesn't match our experience, and we are not alone.  I have abundant respect, admiration and gratitude for teachers and school personnel.  We have been blessed, surrounded by amazing professionals in the education system throughout our experience.  Unfortunately, it still didn't work for us.  I thank God so many wonderful people are working hard to keep the education system the best it can be within the regulations they have been given ~ through their occupation within the schools.

Dumbing Down AKA Fitting In AKA Mirroring

Recently, my daughter and I spent time with dear friends.  They are the kind of people we always feel close to, even though we don't see them often enough.  The family has two children, one the same age as M, and the other a bit younger.  It was fascinating to see them all interact.

Their living arrangements and lifestyle are drastically different than our own ~ basically suburban vs rural.  M was loving the whole thing, but had not spent a lot of time around them for the last couple of years, as we had only seen them briefly a couple of times during that period.  It was fun and curious to see her acting really young. . . .  most of the time :)

As we were learning about some of the aspects of living, M would be very interested, then stare off into space.  I think this might have been frustrating or dissapointing to Papa (as they call him).  I assured him that she was enjoying it.  At night, we would talk in bed before lights out and it was clear she was listening.  Talking in her sleep, she said, "it depends upon the altitude and longitude."  When asked about it the next morning, she cited something she had read, mixing up the words altitude and latitude, but still something you don't expect coming out of a little girl . . . while she's asleep, especially! 

A couple of times, the girl I'm more used to popped out of her mouth.  There were surprised, pleased expressions from the adults, but M looked almost like she'd been caught.  I have not seen this around too many kids and it made me curious.  Was she doing this to enjoy the children and try and fit in? 

I like the term mirroring, which is a marketing and sales term.  In a sense, you learn about the person you are working with and mirror their approach or beliefs or feelings in a show of understanding and similarity with the person.  It is very affective in sales, and I think many of us do this in our relationships, as well.  It doesn't seem like a stretch to say we market ourselves to others.  You need only think about clothing, hair and makeup to get a start of how we all do this.  It's not as self-centered as this sounds, either.  The goal is largely to make the other person feel comfortable in the interaction, and finding common ground to talk about.  Simply put, it's being friendly.

When we first heard M was gifted, we were told that girls often "dumb down" to fit in.  I think the term has very negative connotations, but agree that it happens.  In fact, I think there are positive aspects to it.  M has as much fun playing with preschoolers as anyone.  Clearly, her cognitive abilites surpass preschoolers, but I adore her exuberance as she plays with preschoolers!  She flocks to them and they love her.  When they talk, it's often as many sound effects as words, and she's certainly not talking about longitute or altitude with them ;)

To prove my point about it being a positive thing, I offer an example of someone who cannot do it at all.  Sheldon, from the Big Bang Theory (a TV show).  This character is brilliant on at least one level.  There are many level where he is not at all intelligent, however.  It's part of why he's hysterical and why so many love the show and laugh so hard!  A more realistic/everyday illustration might be hobbies.  I enjoy needlework and have a group of friends who are interested in doing a lot of crafty things.  However, my husband would rather be just about anywhere else when we start doing that.  When I want to hang out with him, we get together with people and play fun board games or just hang out and have a meal.  It's just that simple.  Another example from the opposite end came from a friend who recently told me she was visiting a monastery and started talking about evolution . . . she was very glad they were under vows of silence and that she couldn't read their thoughts when it sunk in!!!

Here's the footnote for me.  M needs a place where she can be with kids that do want to talk about latitude and longitude as if it were everyday conversation for everyone, as well as the other places.  It's a big part of her, and I have seen the impact of having those kids in our lives - it's amazing and critical to her happiness and development.  However, I still plan to enjoy watching her play with preschoolers with young, innocent abandon.  I want to make sure she gets enough of both.  I have also been putting things in place so that I get enough time with other people who share my passions.  Part of being a good mother is setting a good example, so I have started to embrace hobbies that make me smile again.  It doesn't have to be about deep or heavy things.   Sometimes it's about knitting a scarf :)

Coincidence?

When we met with Dr Ruf, she said her book was almost entitled "A Nation of Geniuses," and I'm thinking it would have been very true. 

"In this life, there are very few coincidences" ~ from the 39 Clues Cahills vs Vespers, but I don't remember which one right now.  We were told how rare our daughter is in so many ways, and from various angles, but I'm beginning to think she's more common than we thought.  She is one-of-a-kind, as all of God's children are, but . . .  I was in a conversation at a local swim school recently with two other women.  One of them was a highly gifted child not so long ago, and the other one has a highly gifted son.  Out of three random people, that doesn't seem like coincidence.  We hired a man to help us with a home repair, and got his name from an old friend.  As my daughter talked his ear off and asked a bunch of questions, the topic of giftedness came up.  He has a son who is twice exceptional, as well (gifted with a learning/behavioral challenge).  I had never met any of these people before, but happened upon them . . . outside of the giftedness circles we are starting to find.  I simply don't believe it's extremely rare.

Some people have told me that their children were IQ tested as a part of consultation for other things.  Most often, it involves behavioral challenges, but not every time.  This doesn't convince me.  I have met many people who had psychiatrists or even pediatric psychiatrists test their kids falsely low on IQ.  The problem is that gifted kids actually think differently in process from other kids, and it can come out in ways that are misundertstood by people who don't specialize in that area.  I know of too many cases where kids were later tested with much higher scores when they found a specialist that understood their thought process.

What about people who will never understand multi-variable calculus, in-depth literary analysis, scientific research, or other areas that are considered gifted spheres?  I believe many of those people are also highly gifted, even if the label doesn't fit them precisely.  I'm recalling a Reba song lyric from "God's Will."  "I never got to tell her that the boy showed me the truth.  In crayon red on notebook paper, he'd written me and God love you."  We can learn so much from all people, if we are only willing to see it.

It saddens me that kids in any sphere, or adults, are misunderstood.  I pray they will realize the rich experience of being understood and appreciated.  I also want to capture the messages they have to tell me.  When people are misunderstood, I fear important things get lost or missed . . .

I don't mean to sound depressed.  Part of our prioritizing decisions includes me making homeschooling M my full-time occupation.  This Spring has been especially chaotic as I continued my work while homeschooling.  If she were going to a school in the Fall, my thought was that I wanted to have my work continue through the other life transitions.  Now that we have decided to homeschool longer, I have given notice.  While parts of my contemplation make me sad, I am profoundly grateful to have time to contemplate them.  I hope to soak up as much of the wonderful time with my daughter as I can, and am grateful that we are in a position to make this change.  There are many right answers.  This is our right answer for now.

Redoing Priorities

This week has been crazier than most.  It makes me more convinced than ever that this new information about M is a much-needed opportunity to reassess our choices in many areas.  As new seasons begin, it is very easy for me to add things without removing anything.  This causes chaos and stress, vows to change, and then regret that I didn't follow through with the last vow to change.  I'm there again. . . .  sigh.

There are so many wonderful people in our life that love us and care about us.  The result is that they want to help, which is really wonderful and warn of them.  Have you ever noticed that in yourself?  What is most difficult for me are the times that I want to help, but know that I cannot.  Sadly, while we are still learning about our daughter, or re-learning, we are not in a great position to know what might help.  Many are giving us ideas with wonderfully loving intentions, yet I am overwhelmed with possibilities and most of them must be sifted out.  The situation frustrates me, so I am trying not to let this be misinterpreted as the people frustrating me.  Honestly, there are a couple of people who are frustrating me, but not most of them ;)

We have received recommendations for many different schools that have had wonderful results in other children, and I am thrilled that has gone well for them.  I can think of examples from my own life where I have seen miraculous changes that simply would go differently for our daughter.  This leaves me very tired.  Worse, I'm losing the resaources required to even look into many of them.  I intend no disrespect, but cannot manage the amount of information that I must look into, let alone some that might be helpful . . . at least for now.  It reminds me of a recent conversation in the car with M, actually.  She is better than I am, thankfully.  I shall aspire to be more like her.

after much repetitive conversation:
"I really need you to stop talking about that.  I'm feeling pushed." ~me
a tense silence
"Mom?  I'm going to thank you for something.  Mom, thank you for telling me all about ______ and how it will mean [less work for me].  I really appreciate you telling me about that even though it was overwhelming me."

Such a sweet girl.  If you are one of the people who has been desiring deeply to help reduce my overwhelm, I hope you can know that I appreciate your intention, even if I don't have the resources to respond how I would like to, ideally.  I have a lot to learn from my daughter.  Homeschooling is the best option for us right now.  I am going to do my best to take things a step at a time.  This summer is planned, largely with learning camps for M.  I will have time sitting and waiting, but I don't mind.  I will spend that time reviewing curriculum ideas that I have gathered for next year and trying to be better prepared in the Fall.  I also picked up some things for knitting projects that I can work on while I wait, and I'm sure that iTunes will be getting plenty of my recreational spending, since audio books are a favorite pasttime of mine - especially while my hands are busy crafting :)

In the meantime, I've decided to take some time off work for part of the summer, since I'm habitually exhausted, and I need to change that.  We have also been talking about moving to a smaller house closer to the places we are driving so frequently.  Moving sounds like an awful lot of work, but the end result sounds easier, so we're still talking about it.  If we do move, I'll have lots of ideas of what people can do to help! :)

What grade are you in?

Today, I made it back to church for the first time in months.  I am blessed to be a part of a fabulous church.  I am also blessed to be in relationships with many Christians outside of the walls of that church, as well.  Since this school year has been incredibly overwhelming for me, I simply took Sunday mornings to myself, in an attempt to spend some solitude with worship music and quiet, and sometimes just stay in bed.  These are all things that weren't happening other times.

A few people have challenged how long I have been away from the services, including ministers, church members, friends outside the church and my husband.  I'll admit that I have been angry with God, and since the Psalms are full of King David being honest about his less attractive, not-at-all-flowery feelings, I believe that God is OK with that.  I will not claim to be perfect, since that would contradict being human, and because I'm not quite that proud . . .  However, while I have been absent from church, I have not shut out my faith or God.

My daughter finished another grade since the last time she had been to church.  She has been going with my husband regularly, but Sunday school has been a confusing place in silly ways.  See one of my previous posts about how my husband didn't answer the teacher when asked what grade she was in (so they knew where to seat her), but it has not been crystal clear for our daughter in other ways.  The spiritual teaching and Scripture has been very comfortable for her, so it makes me laugh that we have drama about which class she should be attending.  It seems like we sweat the small stuff so much more than the big stuff.

While she is aware of which grade she is in (because this is very important to her), one of her cousins challenged her only the day before.  This cousin's parents have been wonderful about the situation.  However, these kids are the same age, and the idea that some homeschooled kids change grades at different times was something that hadn't been explored.  First, I was told that my daughter said she's in ___ grade, then the other mother was consulted with an expression of disbelief on the face of her child.  It was explained, but my daughter felt self-conscious.  We are still new to this, and it's natural to feel less-than-confident.

At Sunday school, she rushed back out on the verge of tears, asking where she should go for class.  A wonderful teacher came out to coax her inside.  I told the teacher that she had exciting news and some confusion to share.  From there, it went very well.  They celebrated her accomplishment and encouraged her to go sit with the friends she had been sitting with all school year, saying she could switch to a different group in the Fall if she wants to.  We will continue to have many situations that are just more complicated for us than other people because of our less-common approach to education, even though it is the most effective one for us.  I am thankful that our church has multi-age rooms for Sunday school.  The grades she is likely to complete next school year are all in the same room, which makes things less complicated.

Yes, I did mean to include the plural above.  I felt judged by some today, as I felt seen as a pushy mom.  These people are loving and supportive.  They are not perfect, and neither am I.  However, it was one more place that has mixed comfort levels in dealing with all of this.  Our daughter also begged to take a class for first communion two years earlier than recommended.  The church staff was wonderfully supportive and our daughter took it in.  I am surprised and inspired by her approach to faith.

I hesitate to even include this, as I am sure I will be judged.  Most likely, our daughter will finish 3 more grades by next Spring.  The defensive part of me feels the need to explain that her choice of fun includes math, geography, and every kind of science.  She is quite advanced in science, I'm learning.  This is the biggest proof that the acceleration is not about me.  I love literature, languages, math, the arts and more.  Science is not my thing.  I did well in science classes, but chose to discontinue studying it as soon as possible.  My daughter cannot get enough science.  I am not pushing her.  However, if I hold her back, she will shut down and have serious side-effects.  Yet, I'm seen as a bad mother if I'm honest and open about it with people.  One well-meaning woman told me today, "you need to slow down."  I sincerely wish I could.  My daughter, however, will not.

One ministry couple at church today is a fabulous example of the comfort and support.  I have received gentle private messages on facebook from the husband, asking how I'm doing.  There was no sense of being guilted about being conspicuously absent.  I am so grateful for that.  I was open about what I'm going through - they have the link to this blog, and more information besides.  The wife is the most breathtaking woman I have ever seen - I totally want her hair and her aura/presence.  Today, she gently asked how I am, gave me big hugs, listened intently, encouraged me and reassured me in my decisions and actions - again, no guilt or pressure.  I am in tears just typing this - it's amazing to be loved like that.  Isn't that how church and Christ's love should be?  I'll have to think about why I didn't anticipate it . . .  For now, I'm resting in gratitude and support.

Other ministers there have been equally wonderful.  One met my husband for lunch and has been checking in with him pretty regularly.  He was also a powerful reassuring presence in my life when it all started to get overwhelming.  He just gets it.  Yet another minister had the perfect story to tell our daughter today, from her own life, but directly related to what is going on in our home.  She is one of the most powerful transmitters of God's presence I have met.  She's a modern day prophet who might not even see herself as that.  I have experienced this with her on multiple occasions.  It's almost scary.  Ok, sometimes it is scary.

While it was wonderful to return, it was disappointing to see how the changes in our lives have affected this facet of our lives, as well.  There is a huge part of our life that some people cannot wrap their heads around.  I was one of them only months ago, but it's still disappointing to see.  It just makes it a bit more uncomfortable, and I have enough trouble sitting down and experiencing God, rather than working on my to do list, without even more things to digest and process. . .  Maybe a subconscious reason I was putting off the return to services was facing this fact.  It's one of the reasons the support from the gorgeous woman is so precious to me.  It felt unconditional, and sometimes it's hard to comprehend that in this world.  All of these changes have made me feel that much more judged and less accepted, and I feel like a starving person entering a dinner party when I'm in the midst of someone who simply desires to support me exactly where I am.  As I broke down in front of this woman ane her husband, what came out of my mouth was, "I sobbed for days when we found out.  All I ever wanted was for her to feel normal.  This is how she feels normal, though."  It still feels abnormal to me.  Did I spend my whole life trying to fit some definition of normal that doesn't really fit?  At the moment, I'm more concerned with making sure my daughter feels normal, and comfortable with who she is - especially the ways that God made her special.

A recent favorite song is "Jesus, Friend of Sinners" by Casting Crowns.  The overall message is summed up in this line, "Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours."  I'm certain that God is using this experience to help me glimpse His heart.  My precious daughter is the focus of all of these changes and I work so hard to insulate her from the negative and potentially scarring parts.  I need to remember that I am also a precious daughter to the King, and that He is hurting for me as my parent . . . and the Father of my daughter, as well . . .  Perhaps "the world is on their way to you, but they're tripping over me.  I'm always looking down, but never looking up.  I'm so double-minded." [from the same song].  This experience is certainly opening my eyes in many ways.  I'm terrified about what He might have in mind for me to do with this experience.  However, if I can help others, I will try to do it without tripping anyone too badly. . .

One of my daughter's memory verses came out "In this world you will have trouble, but fear not because He wins!"  I love her tranlsation.  She asked what "overcoming the world" meant, and then summed it up like that . . .  years ago, yet it feels like last week.  This would be a good time to insert "Fight Another Day" by Addison Road.  When I just want to crawl back in bed, that song gets me up and moving . . . dancing, actually.  May God Bless your day and all of your interactions today.  Lord, please help me be more like the gorgeous woman that filled me up today.

Now that I've processed . . .

I am someone who needs quite and time to process information and really let it sink in. In fact, I can be angry and have to figure out why over time. Not that I think it's something else first, but I really don't know where it is coming from at all. No doubt some of you will think this is very strange.

In the past, I've associated this with being highly introverted. I am not at all shy, and it's not the same thing. Introversion is getting energy from being alone or with a small, trusted group (like 1-2). Extroversion is getting energy from being with people . . . often, lots of them! It's a commonly misunderstood concept.

At the recent conference, I learned a bit more about the delayed processing, however. Some types are recognized as learning disabilities or disorders. We've all heard of some of these. There are also some that are extremely common in gifted children - often called twice exceptional kids :) I learned about a new on last weekend, Dysgraphia. Put as simply as possible, it involves a difficulty for children to think and write at the same time. It has impact beyond writing, however. As the symptoms were laid out for me, I believe our daughter has that. I think I do, as well. Even more interesting, I hear about most of these symptoms in the parent room of our gifted coop all the time, but we tend to associate it with giftedness, frustration and boredom (since those are prevalent obstacles for us). It was fascinating!

There is scientific evidence for people feeling like they have whatever they hear about, and I know I am susceptible. I don't believe that is the case this time, however. I went to a talk entitled "Smart kids who hate to write." I am challenged with teaching writing to my daugher, even though she LOVES reading. Handwriting is frustrating for her, and I had thought maybe we'd just focus on typing and not worry too much about it. I hear about that a lot from parents of gifted children, especially. The assumption was that their brains move so fast that slowing down to write is frustrating and feels like a waste of time. I'm not sure that's it anymore.

Dianne Craft had a class of kids, mostly boys, who were highly intelligent (she stated IQs around 135) but were writing at a Kindergarten to 2nd grade level, even in middle school. She was trained in this and had a class full of them. At some point she stumbled across information that led her to a simple and profoundly effective system called "Writing 8" and "Right Brain Writing" by her. . . While it was a short talk and it sounds like new information is still coming in, there is a block of kids crossing the midline between right brain and left brain in some instances. Many of these kids have a different sides dominant in different areas. I happen to be left-footed and right-handed. After 15 minutes per day, 4 days per week, for 6 months to a year of this OT (Occupational Therapy), these kids were suddenly writing and lining up their math neatly and easily. They were able to work around it before, but it was taking extra energy, and they were catching and correcting themselves. Occasionally (or more), they were reversing letters, starting to write letters backwards or bottom up instead of top down, etc. Did I mention that she guarantees the program? Check it out online if you're interested - www.diannecraft.org.

My daughter does this. In fact, this morning, she had some very easy fill-in-the-blank writing work. She came to me and said, "I'm getting tired from doing so many sheets and it's hard to do my spacing." She has never said it like that before, but this points to dysgraphia, as well. My husband and I were actually pleased to hear it, as it confirmed our suspicions. No, we're not mean parents or just looking for diagnosis, and we will not be having her formally assessed. The public school systems don't recognize this particular challenge, I hear from a mother whose child was formally diagnosed - they are now homeschoolers. I digress. This situation is completely treatable and reversable. Part of my work inovolves random days with a tremendous amount of handwriting and I am almost worthless from fatigue on the days following this. I wonder if that could change for me. . .

Brain-training is something I'm fascinated with and have been as long as I can remember. The system involves retraining the connections in the brain to be more automatic and take less energy for some things most people take for granted. It goes beyong handwriting and math. Some of the boys she's worked with were suddenly fabulous at sports - it dramatically improved their hand-eye coordination. I have never been able to throw or catch in a way that didn't embarrass me. Some kids could suddently ride a bike - I know several children who struggle with this, including my own daughter. One child completely lost a stutter! For the small time investment involved, I'm excited to try it and see how it changes things for us. Then again, if our daughter moves even faster, it could get much scarier for me o.O

Remember how I said this goes beyond writing? Some of this concept has been developed from sports medicine. I'm finding sports medicine is showing up in all sorts of new (and appropriate) places in the last few years. The respect and impact this field has on others has been underestimated in the past, I believe. Exciting discoveries await us as its influence expands even further, I believe.

I hope you have a fabulous weekend and are blessed with some wonderful, deep-breath relaxing kinds of moments.