Today, I made it back to church for the first time in months. I am blessed to be a part of a fabulous church. I am also blessed to be in relationships with many Christians outside of the walls of that church, as well. Since this school year has been incredibly overwhelming for me, I simply took Sunday mornings to myself, in an attempt to spend some solitude with worship music and quiet, and sometimes just stay in bed. These are all things that weren't happening other times.
A few people have challenged how long I have been away from the services, including ministers, church members, friends outside the church and my husband. I'll admit that I have been angry with God, and since the Psalms are full of King David being honest about his less attractive, not-at-all-flowery feelings, I believe that God is OK with that. I will not claim to be perfect, since that would contradict being human, and because I'm not quite that proud . . . However, while I have been absent from church, I have not shut out my faith or God.
My daughter finished another grade since the last time she had been to church. She has been going with my husband regularly, but Sunday school has been a confusing place in silly ways. See one of my previous posts about how my husband didn't answer the teacher when asked what grade she was in (so they knew where to seat her), but it has not been crystal clear for our daughter in other ways. The spiritual teaching and Scripture has been very comfortable for her, so it makes me laugh that we have drama about which class she should be attending. It seems like we sweat the small stuff so much more than the big stuff.
While she is aware of which grade she is in (because this is very important to her), one of her cousins challenged her only the day before. This cousin's parents have been wonderful about the situation. However, these kids are the same age, and the idea that some homeschooled kids change grades at different times was something that hadn't been explored. First, I was told that my daughter said she's in ___ grade, then the other mother was consulted with an expression of disbelief on the face of her child. It was explained, but my daughter felt self-conscious. We are still new to this, and it's natural to feel less-than-confident.
At Sunday school, she rushed back out on the verge of tears, asking where she should go for class. A wonderful teacher came out to coax her inside. I told the teacher that she had exciting news and some confusion to share. From there, it went very well. They celebrated her accomplishment and encouraged her to go sit with the friends she had been sitting with all school year, saying she could switch to a different group in the Fall if she wants to. We will continue to have many situations that are just more complicated for us than other people because of our less-common approach to education, even though it is the most effective one for us. I am thankful that our church has multi-age rooms for Sunday school. The grades she is likely to complete next school year are all in the same room, which makes things less complicated.
Yes, I did mean to include the plural above. I felt judged by some today, as I felt seen as a pushy mom. These people are loving and supportive. They are not perfect, and neither am I. However, it was one more place that has mixed comfort levels in dealing with all of this. Our daughter also begged to take a class for first communion two years earlier than recommended. The church staff was wonderfully supportive and our daughter took it in. I am surprised and inspired by her approach to faith.
I hesitate to even include this, as I am sure I will be judged. Most likely, our daughter will finish 3 more grades by next Spring. The defensive part of me feels the need to explain that her choice of fun includes math, geography, and every kind of science. She is quite advanced in science, I'm learning. This is the biggest proof that the acceleration is not about me. I love literature, languages, math, the arts and more. Science is not my thing. I did well in science classes, but chose to discontinue studying it as soon as possible. My daughter cannot get enough science. I am not pushing her. However, if I hold her back, she will shut down and have serious side-effects. Yet, I'm seen as a bad mother if I'm honest and open about it with people. One well-meaning woman told me today, "you need to slow down." I sincerely wish I could. My daughter, however, will not.
One ministry couple at church today is a fabulous example of the comfort and support. I have received gentle private messages on facebook from the husband, asking how I'm doing. There was no sense of being guilted about being conspicuously absent. I am so grateful for that. I was open about what I'm going through - they have the link to this blog, and more information besides. The wife is the most breathtaking woman I have ever seen - I totally want her hair and her aura/presence. Today, she gently asked how I am, gave me big hugs, listened intently, encouraged me and reassured me in my decisions and actions - again, no guilt or pressure. I am in tears just typing this - it's amazing to be loved like that. Isn't that how church and Christ's love should be? I'll have to think about why I didn't anticipate it . . . For now, I'm resting in gratitude and support.
Other ministers there have been equally wonderful. One met my husband for lunch and has been checking in with him pretty regularly. He was also a powerful reassuring presence in my life when it all started to get overwhelming. He just gets it. Yet another minister had the perfect story to tell our daughter today, from her own life, but directly related to what is going on in our home. She is one of the most powerful transmitters of God's presence I have met. She's a modern day prophet who might not even see herself as that. I have experienced this with her on multiple occasions. It's almost scary. Ok, sometimes it is scary.
While it was wonderful to return, it was disappointing to see how the changes in our lives have affected this facet of our lives, as well. There is a huge part of our life that some people cannot wrap their heads around. I was one of them only months ago, but it's still disappointing to see. It just makes it a bit more uncomfortable, and I have enough trouble sitting down and experiencing God, rather than working on my to do list, without even more things to digest and process. . . Maybe a subconscious reason I was putting off the return to services was facing this fact. It's one of the reasons the support from the gorgeous woman is so precious to me. It felt unconditional, and sometimes it's hard to comprehend that in this world. All of these changes have made me feel that much more judged and less accepted, and I feel like a starving person entering a dinner party when I'm in the midst of someone who simply desires to support me exactly where I am. As I broke down in front of this woman ane her husband, what came out of my mouth was, "I sobbed for days when we found out. All I ever wanted was for her to feel normal. This is how she feels normal, though." It still feels abnormal to me. Did I spend my whole life trying to fit some definition of normal that doesn't really fit? At the moment, I'm more concerned with making sure my daughter feels normal, and comfortable with who she is - especially the ways that God made her special.
A recent favorite song is "Jesus, Friend of Sinners" by Casting Crowns. The overall message is summed up in this line, "Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours." I'm certain that God is using this experience to help me glimpse His heart. My precious daughter is the focus of all of these changes and I work so hard to insulate her from the negative and potentially scarring parts. I need to remember that I am also a precious daughter to the King, and that He is hurting for me as my parent . . . and the Father of my daughter, as well . . . Perhaps "the world is on their way to you, but they're tripping over me. I'm always looking down, but never looking up. I'm so double-minded." [from the same song]. This experience is certainly opening my eyes in many ways. I'm terrified about what He might have in mind for me to do with this experience. However, if I can help others, I will try to do it without tripping anyone too badly. . .
One of my daughter's memory verses came out "In this world you will have trouble, but fear not because He wins!" I love her tranlsation. She asked what "overcoming the world" meant, and then summed it up like that . . . years ago, yet it feels like last week. This would be a good time to insert "Fight Another Day" by Addison Road. When I just want to crawl back in bed, that song gets me up and moving . . . dancing, actually. May God Bless your day and all of your interactions today. Lord, please help me be more like the gorgeous woman that filled me up today.
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