Somber summer reflections . . . Entering Fall hesitantly . . .

I must admit it has been a difficult summer for my family.

We tried to move, but will be remaining here.  Maintaining the house is more involved than we'd like.  We are unpacking boxes even though we did not move.  However, we were able to simplify things, thin out many things in our home, and make some adjustments that are quite positive.

We tried a new gifted summer school program, and found that the teacher of M's favorite subjects is . . . not acceptable to us as a teacher.

We tried to schedule more playdates and agreed to drive more often in order to facilitate socialization for M.  One set of weekly playdates we attended not once.  Two other families we wanted to see weekly or as often as possible, we have seen about four times total.  That's not each family four times, but four times total between the two families.

However, we have been more successful in planning social opportunities with families that live closer to our current location, as opposed to years past.  We also met a few other families in this area that we plan or hope to see more often.  One of those we will see again this coming weekend, and it is a delight to have them in our lives.  Also, I have personally been more successful in making plans with friends and getting adult conversation more often than in the past.

We hoped to be closer to the Fall activities we will be involved in.  However, we were able to put those things close together in order to minimize driving.

Fall allergies have hit, and in our home this makes interactions more strained all around.  Combine that with the disappointments of the summer, and I am feeling quite a bit of trepidation.  M is usually a very agreeable, happy person.  However, she has been argumentative, stubborn, and downright rude.  I have been grumpy, unmotivated, and feeling under appreciated as a reluctant homeschooler.

As I hear it, most children are argumentative.  In the case of highly gifted children, it's like an intense negotiation.  When they have intensities, the revelation that they are the child and do not get a vote in every decision doesn't always end the tension.

I know I am not alone in this, and had the pleasure of  exactly one bright spot in my day today of visiting with a homeschool friend who is one of those people I intensely like even though I have not known her long.  As we were chatting, I witnessed that she has similar situations in her home, and just knowing that I am not alone is helpful.  In a strange way, knowing that we have similar challenges, and hearing her insightful perspective on those interactions - how they help her understand the perspective of her children and how they are different from her own - helped neutralize the emotion that was running rampant within me even before lunch today.

I must hope that the new structure will be helpful to all.  I will continue to meet with a dear friend and plan menus and exercise, as well as trying to implement a new approach at home that is intended to take the stress out of the mother-daughter relationship.  If you pray, I'd appreciate your prayers.  I will also need to dedicate myself to more frequent exercise for the sake of all.

Hope your summer is ending with lots of fun, and that your Fall is full of things that you are pleasantly anticipating.

Inspiration can look like danger

This week has been full of amazing things for me.  I feel overwhelmed, scared, excited, fulfilled, overwhelmed and more.  That's what just-before-school looks like for me . . . and other times, I'll admit.

Earlier this week, I got a call from someone I haven't known long.  However, the family is the kind that you care about an awful lot right away.  The mother is an amazing, inspiring person, and tends to be quite business-like in her approach.  She's not cold or mechanical, but business-like as opposed to emotional or breezy.  They are very strong Christians who live in the world, as opposed to next to it.

When I answered the phone, I could tell she had tears and she struggled to find words.  This is something I had not experienced with her.  It turned out, we had another shared experience, and she was simply overwhelmed with it.  She was in tears of relief, she said.  I was right there with her, and my daughter entered into the emotion of the event, as well.

Then, this blog post inspired me.

http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/08/13/rim-to-rim-for-eyes-that-see/?utm_content=bufferf6308&utm_source=buffer&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=Buffer

Wow!  Just wow!

Then, this one did.

http://www.blogher.com/why-we-shouldnt-be-interested-raising-safe-christian-kids

Keeping children safe is instinctual.  I will not be as bold as that mother, I'm sure.  However, after a fall, we asked, "was it a good landing?"  If the answer was yes, life went on as usual.  If no or tears followed, hugs and kisses were prescribed.  I also stopped others from allowing M to take chances and learn thing.  I do not want to instill fear of failure that prevent her from trying things.  As an adult, I try to model that.  You miss out on a lot of fun if you do not try things and take risks.

I am thankful to be surrounded by people who understand that being different is not inherently safe, but that being normal is not an option or even desireable.  They share this amazing stuff with me, and it challenges me to think about my life and parenting and homeschooling and schedule differently.

The two ideas I hope I can incorporate of my Christianity into the whole of my life are these.

1.  "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"  Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'  All the Law and the Prophets hand on these two commandments." ~ Matthew 22:36-40  This was a memory verse from my Bible study this week, as well, adding to my week's inspirations.

Notice that it doesn't say your Christian neighbors or your safe neighbors.  The word safe does not occur in there, nor does the word separate.  My family will not live outside the world and segregate if I can help it.  It also holds nothing back.  We are commanded to love people, and love is a verb.

ALL of those things are to be used.  Not just most of them.  Not just when you have extra.  I am profoundly proud of my family for being willing to be the crazy people, and to accept me as the crazy mom.  We are the ones who are ridiculously open and honest, and more often than I expected, people appreciate that.  This was affirmed in that phone I mentioned.  My husband and I believe that our calling is to make sure people don't go through the things we do believing they are alone.  Sure, we get snubbed and we scare people sometimes.  When people appreciate it, that is usually a strong emotion, and we have amazing fun with those who choose to do life with us, even for a season.

2.  "You are the salt of the earth.  But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?  It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.  You are the light of the world.  A city on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl.  Instead they put it on its stnad, and it gives light to eveyone in the house." ~ Matthew 5:13-15

I am surprised that I haven't heard sermons about how this sounds like, "be yourself."  Yes, this is referring to spirituality.  However, Christians are supposed to have spirituality as part of their identity, and the best teachers I've known were not what you picture in evangelists.  Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being an evangelist.  However, I think powerful Christians can be powerful in a way that looks like kindness, generosity, goodness, caring, etc.  I think that truly loving other people gets attention, fulfills Christian calling and makes people want to look closer, whether or not they share the faith.  God is in charge, not me.  I don't need to tell people all about him.  However, people usually know I am Christian without a lot of theological discussion.

I have been asked to share my faith with a few, and I have gladly accomodated the requests, but mostly, I just want to be seen as a loving person.  An insane, loving person, perhaps.  I'm OK with that.

I hope your Fall plans leave you excited, inspired and fulfilled!  I will not be running the Grand Canyon this year, and I'll probably never be the parent who doesn't warn kids to be safe.  However, these people inspire me, and I'll find my own way to live it out and let it evolve me.  I'd love to hear your ideas on how you'd like to evolve this school year, as well.

Asynchronicity and Overprotectiveness - can school be damaging?

I want precursur this by reminding everyone that I believe school is good for some kids, including some gifted kids.  For others, however, it is not.  For ours, it was not.

Yesterday, my husband ventured out of his comfort zone more than usual with some trusted friends and responded in more detail to the questions about why we aren't putting M in school.  He usually leaves this to hi obnixious wife (yes, me).  I was not there.  These people are his friends and I know them but little.  I was pleasantly surprised to hear that he used a simple example that I often do.  She is doing math at ___ grade level, science at ____ level, and reading at ____ level.  No school in our culture can accomodate that.  We have a hard time doing it, in fact.  School just doesn't work for her.

If you'd like a smarter-sounding answer backed up with more of the research and scientific information I simply don't do, this post is a good place for it.  http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/asynchronous-developmen

Truth be told, I sometimes wish I did communicate more like this person, since I get tired of the expressions that communicate "I'm not taking you seriously."  Ah well.  It takes all kinds and my style is different, so I'll simply share a variety.  Happy Monday!

Montessori and Giftedness

We have some dear friends who have a son very like our daughter, educationally.  He was homeschooled, he went to Montessori, he went to a special crazy-giftedness program, and he asked to go back to Montessori.  I think it can be a good option for some.  I have, however, heard more disappointed stories than success stories with this concept.  Here's one family's experience.

http://giftofhome.blogspot.com/2013/08/montessori-and-gifted-education-our.html

"Do your best" can be a bad thing to say - just perfectionism?

I ran across this today and it's interesting, but I think they left out the most important one.

http://lifehacker.com/10-things-to-stop-saying-to-your-kids-and-what-to-say-474962146

For us, the biggest issue has been perfectionism and effort.  "Just do your best," is a phrase intended to take the pressure out of achievement or results, but it hasn't been effective in our lives, personally, and from some psychologists' writings, I have learned we are not alone.

For M, it sounds like a tall order.  What is her best?  Is she sure she did her best?  What if she could have done better?  These are just a few of the questions that were her response to the dreaded phrase.  Instead of taking pressure off, we seemed to have piled on anxiety and complexity and confusion.

The bigger question about the dreaded phrase, however, is "should she always do her best?"  This is a question she would never ask as a compliant and perfectionistic and literal kid.  Instead, it is my question of her.  It is also my question for others.

Is it really important to do your best in every subject all the time?  If so, prioritizing is a non-issue.  Should you skip gymnastics practice to work on a paper for school the next day?  Of course not!  If you must always do your best, that must mean in gymnastics and schoolwork, right?!

Here's another example.  In cooking and baking, must you always do your best to measure exactly?  Baking is an area I actually measure ingredients, but honestly, my idea of perfection in cooking is not wasting ingredients.  If it calls for a certain kind of greens, I use whatever lettuce-like food we have in the fridge.  It calls for provolone cheese, but I have cheddar in the fridge, so cheddar is what we use!  Besides, when you're cooking, it doesn't have to rise, so measuring there doesn't mean as much to me.

The last example brings up yet another question.  How do you define your best?  In the cooking example, is it getting the most portions out of the meal?  Maybe it's using only what you have in the cupboards to avoid wasting food or to stay within your grocery budget at the end of the month.  Maybe it's getting the best flavor.  Then again, whose opinion about the best flavor do you use in that case?  It's not a simple statement, after all.

In cases like those, I would argue that "good enough" is a more appropriate approach than "do your best."  It is less confusing, and everyone still eats.  That is good enough for me.

I would go further, however, and say that good enough exists in many realms.  I doubt there is an adult out there who does their best at everything they do every time.  Why would we put that expectation on our children?  I'm not suggesting that people use this phrase intentionally to cause distress, but I think it's a poor one and should be limited to use in the same places we use phrases like "gee whiz" and the like - it's illustrative of a place in time and the culture of that time.  Other than that, I'm all for eliminating it.

Have a great weekend of "good enough" times!

Giftedness and Christianity and Education

Please let me begin by saying that we are Christian.  There are people who do ugly things in the name of Christianity out there, but I do not consider those people to be my people.  I have highly respected and valued people in my life who have different religious views.  Please be kind and respectful with me.  I definitely will do my best to do the same.

I think all parents have beliefs that are especially important to them.  They may be political, spiritual, philosophical, nutritional, or any number of other categories.  As parents, we feel a deep longing to share what is most important to us with our children.  It can be something as simple as a love of music or art.  While we all hope that our children will share our views on matters of particular interest, spirituality must come from the individual.

Providing education and framework to our children is my focus.  Whether or not our children choose to eat a healthy diet or stay physically active once they are grown is outside of our control.  While they are in our homes, we have more influence over what is available to them.  I believe that spirituality is similar to that.

M has a strong faith.  She has from a very young age, and I was skeptical of its depth at first.  The more she talked with me about it, the more I realized that it was genuine and that she spent a great deal of time thinking about it.  And she loves it!  We are Christian and raised her with faith in her surroundings.  This was part of her entertainment, reading choices, church activities, and more.

We also have shown her things that are not decidedly Christian.  Our reasons for this are many, but being people of faith, we believe that God calls us to be the light of the world.  You cannot light up the world if you don't leave the house.  However, we also believe that the best way to reach the world is to be loving and the kind of person people want around.  In some cases, people have even told me that there is something about me they'd like to have.  We are not out to bang people over the head with a Bible.  We want M to understand the world she lives in, and to be able to interact with many and enjoy the many valuable interactions available to her.

I get a lot of shocked reactions from people about this, but we studied Creation, Evolution, Big Bang, and Gilgamesh.  We, personally, find stories including magic to be entertaining and fun.  We are Harry Potter fans, for instance.  M has been exposed to a number of things.  However, her faith is amazing and strong, and it's something she cherishes as a part of herself.

As she grows, she studies what fascinates her.  As a result, she is not only advancing in grade level, but also spiritual understanding.  Planning for the school year become one level more complicated.  Wednesday night groups at her grade level are talking about emotional and physical things that she is not experiencing.  However, her Biblical and historical grasp of material is far beyond that.  Community is a big deal for Christians, but as with so many areas of giftedness, it is a difficult one for us to navigate.

We have discussed it at length with youth pastors and many others.  One children's pastor actually told me, "you're pushing her too hard."  If you are a pastor, never say this to a parent.  I never pushed M in any spiritual way.  Ever.  She loves it, is fascinated by it, and therefore flies through it.  She also has a capacity for learning what she loves that is beyond what many can imagine.  This pastor meant no harm, but it was painful and damaging in several ways.

There is value in M being with people close to her age.  There is value in her being with people close to her experiences, emotionally and physically and intellectually.  There is also value in her learning new things, which is an appetite for her.  I am afraid that if she is not challenged in her church groups, she will start to have a negative view of church, or it will sour her perception of Christian community.

My husband and I talked about this recently.  He tells me he went to Sunday school because it wasn't a choice, but he didn't get anything out of it.  I told him I went to the sermons.  He said, "yeah, but how about when you were her age."  I started sitting through sermones when I was younger than our daughter.  That got a stunned silence.  He was unsure that she is getting much out of sermons, which she is listening to.  However, she will bring up a recent sermon to me and relate it to something in a book or in our experience that day.  In many of those cases, she listened to that sermon with her father, and is telling me what was in it.  I'm sure she could get more out of sermons in a few years.  However, I'm convinced that she gets as much as many adults do out of them now.

If any of you have creative solutions or ideas for addressing this challenge (or others), please leave me a comment. on the pertinent post.  All comments will be moderated, so if you'd just like to contact me, let me know that you don't want it published and it won't be.  Have a great week and I hope your Fall preparations are exciting and smooth.

Unschooling Gifted Children - Chaos Can Be Effective!

I found this blog post today and found it intriguing.

http://giftedunschooling.blogspot.com/2013/08/i-have-no-control.html?spref=fb

Parts of it sounded like the voice in my head.  But wait!  I don't have a son.  Hmmmm . . .

I'm a big believer in organization, but highly gifted kids don't fit the mold, and therefore can be seen as messy.  This is part of the reason homeschooling has been such an extreme-sports kind of adventure for me.  I like structure.  I want to believe I have some control.  The bottom line is that I have control of myself and my choices.

Parts of her blog post terrified me.  The control freak in me didn't like it AT ALL!  However, we have had effective seasons of unschooling.  I also call these unit studies.  Unschooling and unit studies can look very similar in some cases.   I fully intend to do some seasons of unschooling in the future, but am happily looking forward to a school year with more structure this year.  So is M.  Well, she's happy about it today, at least.