Most people and families have many traditions around the holidays. I know our family always has.
As my girl was growing up, we would watch both of the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving specials, including the historical account that presented facts and dates and showed kids helping with the work as the people settled, and I felt like I'd succeeded in keeping it from being just turkey and football.
I no longer feel that I did enough. I didn't think enough. I didn't talk enough. Or maybe I simply didn't start as early as I wish I had . . . there remains time for change as long as I draw breath.
The idea of Thanksgiving is a beautiful one. It's focused on gratitude in many circles, and people feel really empowered when they boycott businesses that make employees work on Thanksgiving, making it more materialistic. That practice, while embracing our power to interact with companies and express our views still misses some critical parts of Thanksgiving, I'm afraid . . .
Our family has a tradition of the oldest generation putting on "programs" for most events and holidays. While they are well-intentioned and generally thoughtfully done, I have had a hard time with some of them. I had an idea that I really wanted to share with the family that I love very much. Via phone call, I asked if this could be the approach to the program this year, really wanting to hear the many different approaches in the family and invite others to wonder with me. I was refused. I'll admit that offended me. I dealt with my disappointment privately and with my husband, and I landed here to move forward with it.
I still want to invite others to wonder with me and/or share their wonderings. This exercise really got me to put more thought into this season than I had in a long time. So, I'm sharing this here, and asking for input from anyone interested in genuinely wondering with me.
Recently, I was thinking about Thanksgiving and not in a hot topic kind of way, but just wondering. I can go pretty deeply into wondering. When I thought about how different the European settlers were from myself (and that is my general genetic background), I realized that their way of life is as different from my own as the natives in the land at that time would have been . . . . It got me to thinking.
At the time of the first Thanksgiving, there were no American citizens, so I thought of these groups as Europeans, meaning the settlers that were transplanting from Europe, and the Native people, meaning those whose ancestors were already living in this land when the Europeans arrived.
To set the scene in my head, I thought about their backgrounds:
Clothing - Natives using natural elements at hand, which often meant animal products from the food they hunted, and designing garments for functionality of lifestyle. The Europeans were more concerned with modesty that aligned with their faith, and were used to more fabric being used and footwear that left very different markings on the ground. The natives were focused on moving as silently as possible while hunting and avoiding rival trives, and the Europeans had come from an area with paved paths and roads, etc. When they met, I wonder if the Europeans were scandalized by the native's fashions, or maybe even jealous of the realtive comfort compared to their own clothing. I wonder if the natives were bewildered at the European fashions and if the women's skirts made noise as they walked from the length of the clothing and the style of the footwear. Perhaps the different colors of cloths were fascinating and desireable in the eyes of some of the natives. Maybe they seemed fancy, or frivolous, or even simply alien to each other.
Housing - the Natives often lived in tents made from hides which were easy to transport, great for camoflage, and minimalist in nature. The Europeans, while feeling very rustic compared to European cities, were building log cabins, which are permanently set. Both groups lived in close proximity for collaboration and protection purposes, so they had this in common. I wonder if it would have seemed like a commonality to the people at the time . . .
Hunting - Natives tended to move quietly and get close to prey, using spears and arrows as weapons for huting for food. The European traditions often involved riding on horseback, using dogs to scare out the hunt, and firing with guns to hunt. The approaches were so different for such a similar goal.
I wonder if the Europeans were afraid of the Native because of their ability to move so quietly. It may have seemed sneaky compared to the customs they were used to.
I wonder if the Natives complained about the noisy neighbors to put a modern parallel to it. Were they concerned about the permanence of the structures they were building? Did they feel threatened, or fascinated or both?
Mothers and fathers in both groups, as well as younger people probably thought about the potential of intermarriage between the groups to some extent. And most people have some native American genes if they are caucasian and living in North America, so there definitely was some joining of cultures. I wonder if the younger people felt differently about it than the older generations? I wonder if the different appearances were found to be attractive to some and unattractive to others - in both groups.
The reality before the events that were celebrated at the first Thanksgiving is this. The Europeans were dying out. Sickness and an inability to thrive in the new land combined for a bleak outlook.
Given that harsh reality, I'm sure there was dissention in both groups. I wonder if some Natives felt that they shoudl let things be. Some other cliches for this might be, survival of the fittest, let evolution decide, leave it to fate, let nature take its course, etc. I wonder if some Europeans felt they should abandond some of their customs in order to better adapt to the land and increase their chances of survival? They had a lot of time to watch, notice and think before decisions were made by both groups.
When the coordinator between groups began, I wonder how he felt. Was he excited to practice his language skills? Was he proud to be chosen? Was he frightened or excited (or both) about teaching these people survival skills? Was he concerned about his status among the Natives? Did some honor him for his abilities? Did some scorn him for helping the newcomers? Were some Natives afraid he would spread the sickness threateninng the Europeans to the Native groups, and become a carrier of infection? Did he feel like a part of one group, or both groups, or neither with this new role?
These questions are not addressed in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving specials. Perhaps noone living today knows anymore.
Here's where it gets less unbiased for me. If that offends you, feel free to walk away & just stick with wondering about the questions already stated:
Before the first Thanksgiving, the Natives held the power. They were the long-term residents in the area. They knew how to live in the land, how to navigate it and how to keep their line going for future generations. The Europeans were dying out.
The Natives (or at least some of them) decided to help the Europeans. Because of this, the Europeans survived. They didn't just leave bags of corn by their dwellings, either. They taught them farming and hunting techniques for long-term success in their new land, giving them tools to survive and thrive through future generations.
At the Thanksgiving Feast, I wonder if there was staring and then awkwardness as these groups were interacting more closely than before. I wonder how interactions went when you consider the stoicism valued by the Natives, and I wonder if there were more cracks in it during this unique occasion. I wonder if the Europeans were nervously laughing, if they held back in emotion, or if they were so grateful as to show more emotion than usual . . . . I'm sure there was a great deal of curiosity in both groups.
So this Thanksgiving, I invite you to think about it with fresh eyes and wonder what might have been. What if the Natives had refused to help the Europeans seeking religious refuge? I believe they would have died, and that includes some of my genetic ancestry.
Religiously speaking, my beliefs are categorized with that of the settlers. I am a Christian believer, but that can mean many things, as we've seen over the last few years. For me, the message "Do you love me, Peter? Feed my sheep" being repeated is what goes through my mind as I think about Thanksgiving. Who chose to behave according to Christian morals in this story? It was the natives, who were sometimes called savages. Or maybe it was all of the people in the story. There is much we do not know.
They fed the settlers and taught them to provide for themselves. I believe Christ would have chosen that, or maybe He did and was there. I'm prepared to have many surprises when I get to speak to Him face to face. Maybe that will be one of them.
I am glad that there was a celebratory feast, showing gratitude at that time. It shows a friendship and humbleness. I still love the idea of giving Thanks and focusing on gratitude during this season.
This year, however, the story is quite soured for me. I realize that the dramatic changes since the first Thanksgiving haven't all happened in the last year, but they have hit me harder in the last year. What have my ancestors done in the meantime? What have people who I share a label or description with done recently and/or over the long run since that first Thanksgiving?
I know many individuals who are amazing, wonderful people. I will NOT discount them. I know many who care for the unfortunate, or the least & the lost to use the Christian phrase for it. Some of those people consider themselves atheists, or Hindu or Buddhist or some other faith group. In recent years, I've found that I relate most closely to those who choose kindness and love first. This is supported by my faith through Scripture, even tho it may lead me toward some who do not share my faith and away from those who do share my faith, officially, at least.
I do not hate people. There are ideas that I hate, however, and practises . . . And those that are focused on hate or produce hate are pretty much the definition of what I hate. So, apparently it exponentially increases the hate. I don't want to focus on that. I want to focus on love and kindness and trying to be the best person I can be.
So, this year, along with our Thanksgiving traditions, my immediate family has discussed this change in my perspective and feelings. There is no disagreement between us. It saddens us. Among those at our larger traditional celebration will be those who feel quite differently from us. I still love my family, but I will not cheer for them or get ugly in response to anything I see as hateful. I will try to be logical, to stick to my beliefs and to respond appropriately when and if that presents itself.
I am grateful to my family, all but one legal family member that I claim as family has chosen to accept me as family, not had me as family because of a birth. And I have seen broken families that meant healthy change overall. It isn't simple.
However, right now, the most poisonous thing in our culture is division - at least in my mind. There are so many things trying to divide people and groups, and worse . . . succeeding. Politics can be hot topics, but I KNOW I can disagree with people about religion and still love them like crazy and have that be mutual. I choose to believe that can happen about politics as well. Isn't there a cliche about those things going together? I have seen less acceptance of political differences than religious ones recently, and that saddens me, too. We are stronger together. That is both a Scriptural and a philosophical idea generally accepted in the world today.
Join me as I try to be grateful and humble, even (or especially) in disagreements. May your Thanksgiving be saturated with kindness and love both within and without.
Saturday, November 17, 2018
Thursday, November 15, 2018
Panic Attacks when things go smoothly & normally
Hello again & I hope that you are having a fabulous Fall as Spring registrations and planning begins many places! I was just finalizing the last of my girl's Spring classes today and had a total panic attack. It went smoothly.
I am laughing at myself as I type, and it didn't last too long, but it made me realize something else that people like me have in common, and that the average population is opposite.
If you're signing up for classes or activities, most people probably expect for things to go smoothly and quickly. As a former operations management person, I definitely designed and ironed out systems to provide that smooth sailing kind of experience for managers, clients and workers relate to my various positions.
Today, I had 2 final classes to register M for. I knew about how much they would cost, how the payment method works, since we've been going to this source for several years, and exactly which ones to sign up for, since they are continuations from the current semester. I logged in, did a quick search, signed up & paid online. It was fast, and there was no pause or error notice or warning.
That made me panic.
Whether you're here because you are part of the neuro-atypical or atypical learner community or because you are curious about the differences, I hope this makes you laugh.
Should I send an e-mail to confirm that it actually worked correctly? The directors are extremely overworked right now and probably wouldn't appreciate extra anything, even though they would be compassionate and polite. No, I will not send an e-mail to check.
I pulled up the registration details in 3 places and on 3 different pages, tho. Excessive? OCD? Perhaps.
Here's the thing. It was literally the first time I was able to simply sign up and pay. Nothing more.
Remember me mentioning that we've been using this resource for years? Are they disorganized or technically challenged you may be asking? Nope. They are quite organized. They make mistakes like humans do, but with a surprisingly small percentage of their activities needing adjustment.
Their system operates simply by birth date. So if the grade range for a class is where M actually is determined to be by our city (and different than I requested or the law originally determined), she is deemed too young for those classes. Take into account that her science information is accelerated more than any other subject, and I definitely have needed age exceptions. She doesn't like math, but is moving quickly through it because she loves science enough to make that effort.
So, for years, every registration opening date, here's the process I'm used to:
1. Log into the site, and pull up the class information.
2. Confirm which class and section we're interested in over the phone with a delightful woman who is very busy that day.
3. Log out of the system and feel guilty about taking up her time on one of her busiest days while the system adjusts.
4. Log back in, and pull up the class again to register and pay.
??? Sometimes repeat previous steps because the system decides she's still too young.
5. Wait patiently on the phone still feeling guilty as the nice lady restores the settings for the class.
6. Repeat all steps for each additional class.
It feels like this - also appropriate for this season - read to the end if you don't see the connection.
This is why a smooth & quick registration caused panic attacks today. I'm sure there are IT people out there who have an idea about how they'd do it differently, and I respect that. However, this is not the only resource where I have had this experience repeatedly.
Our educational systems are not set up to allow age exceptions, so that they don't have parents signing their children up for classes that are inappropriate for their kids. And as the registration coordinator for a coop I saw evidence of why this is needed more often than I expected to. It's a valid concern.
For today, I trying to feel grateful that everything went so quickly & smoothly. To be fair, there is a paranoid voice in my mind even after checking for confirmation emails, which I did get. Did it really work?! Am I actually awake, or is this a dream?
To anyone trying to relate to this special population, thank you!!!!!
To all those living through this stuff with me, I get it. Let's keep laughing, hoping for the best & only worry when our laughter starts to sound maniacal, lol.
Happy Thanksgiving to all! Now go watch Snoopy battle the chair in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special because that is more of a parallel to how I expected registration to go!
I am laughing at myself as I type, and it didn't last too long, but it made me realize something else that people like me have in common, and that the average population is opposite.
If you're signing up for classes or activities, most people probably expect for things to go smoothly and quickly. As a former operations management person, I definitely designed and ironed out systems to provide that smooth sailing kind of experience for managers, clients and workers relate to my various positions.
Today, I had 2 final classes to register M for. I knew about how much they would cost, how the payment method works, since we've been going to this source for several years, and exactly which ones to sign up for, since they are continuations from the current semester. I logged in, did a quick search, signed up & paid online. It was fast, and there was no pause or error notice or warning.
That made me panic.
Whether you're here because you are part of the neuro-atypical or atypical learner community or because you are curious about the differences, I hope this makes you laugh.
Should I send an e-mail to confirm that it actually worked correctly? The directors are extremely overworked right now and probably wouldn't appreciate extra anything, even though they would be compassionate and polite. No, I will not send an e-mail to check.
I pulled up the registration details in 3 places and on 3 different pages, tho. Excessive? OCD? Perhaps.
Here's the thing. It was literally the first time I was able to simply sign up and pay. Nothing more.
Remember me mentioning that we've been using this resource for years? Are they disorganized or technically challenged you may be asking? Nope. They are quite organized. They make mistakes like humans do, but with a surprisingly small percentage of their activities needing adjustment.
Their system operates simply by birth date. So if the grade range for a class is where M actually is determined to be by our city (and different than I requested or the law originally determined), she is deemed too young for those classes. Take into account that her science information is accelerated more than any other subject, and I definitely have needed age exceptions. She doesn't like math, but is moving quickly through it because she loves science enough to make that effort.
So, for years, every registration opening date, here's the process I'm used to:
1. Log into the site, and pull up the class information.
2. Confirm which class and section we're interested in over the phone with a delightful woman who is very busy that day.
3. Log out of the system and feel guilty about taking up her time on one of her busiest days while the system adjusts.
4. Log back in, and pull up the class again to register and pay.
??? Sometimes repeat previous steps because the system decides she's still too young.
5. Wait patiently on the phone still feeling guilty as the nice lady restores the settings for the class.
6. Repeat all steps for each additional class.
It feels like this - also appropriate for this season - read to the end if you don't see the connection.
This is why a smooth & quick registration caused panic attacks today. I'm sure there are IT people out there who have an idea about how they'd do it differently, and I respect that. However, this is not the only resource where I have had this experience repeatedly.
Our educational systems are not set up to allow age exceptions, so that they don't have parents signing their children up for classes that are inappropriate for their kids. And as the registration coordinator for a coop I saw evidence of why this is needed more often than I expected to. It's a valid concern.
For today, I trying to feel grateful that everything went so quickly & smoothly. To be fair, there is a paranoid voice in my mind even after checking for confirmation emails, which I did get. Did it really work?! Am I actually awake, or is this a dream?
To anyone trying to relate to this special population, thank you!!!!!
To all those living through this stuff with me, I get it. Let's keep laughing, hoping for the best & only worry when our laughter starts to sound maniacal, lol.
Happy Thanksgiving to all! Now go watch Snoopy battle the chair in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special because that is more of a parallel to how I expected registration to go!
Sunday, August 12, 2018
Gifted/Neuroatypical/Special needs teens are still teens - What do I do now?!
I've been noticing changes in my teenager, and it is "normal stuff" for her age.
Here's the deal. She's rarely been "normal" in most areas, so this is kind of freaking me out!! It's another huge adjustment. All parents have them. I know that. It still caught me off guard.
For the last six or seven years, we've been figuring out the different diagnoses and mind wiring differences for this extraordinary person. One of the things I admire about her is her openness. Those of you who know me personally, I'm open to a fault, and my husband can be, as well. Maybe that shouldn't surprise me that she has been, but I didn't expect a child to be so self-assured. She's just been OK with who she was.
More than that, she has been just fine with other people being just how they are. I had my first fake heart attack with her when a child in a wheelchair was waiting for his sister in M's preschool class as I was waiting beside his mother. He was on the floor, clearly had Spina Bifida, and was a happy child doing tummy time on the floor. When M came out of the classroom, she said "that looks like fun!" and plopped down onto the floor on her belly & acted like an otter. In her mind, they were simply playing together, of course! Luckily, the mother smiled at me with a wide, genuine smile & we became friendly companions in a few environments. I wasn't sure how the mother would react, but am thankful that I did not need to try and coach my child not to see everyone as equal to herself, as I believe society tells us to . . . . all too often . . . .
When we first learned about the giftedness complications, I was worried it would lead to arrogance, as it statistically can pretty often. However, I have never seen that in her. Maybe I am a biased mom, but I honestly believe that she is simply a better person than I am. Being around others with intellectual capacities similar to hers has helped, I am sure. However, the programs she's chosen going forward are not mostly with groups of people like her that way. Perhaps she'll change her mind, but so far, she enjoys being in a more mainstream environment. Now, she hasn't chosen school, so I mean that in a relative sense, but she has chosen the more "normal" parts of her program as the ones she'll plan around.
When she was diagnosed with visual impairments and retained reflexes, we had another shift in perspective to absorb. Again, she jumped in feet first, and seemed mostly relieved. It explained a lot of things that had frustrated her about herself and addressed them, removing and/or reducing those frustrations. We are very blessed to have been able to do a year of therapy for her at a wonderful place with amazing people. That was life-changing. Again, she didn't see herself as different.
In her more mainstream classes, she has friends whose accomplishments in the classroom are not the same as hers. This has never stopped her from interacting with people based on common interests. Over time, it seems that her focus has never been on intellectual capacity, but on how much connection she feels with someone, and that can be based on any number of things. Like Minecraft, lol. . . . She socializes with various types of people as far as neurology and intellect. That seems obvious to me now, but somehow I didn't assume it would be like that. She did, however. See how much better she is than I am as a person?
Now we're entering teenage years, and like most people around that time, she simply wants to fit in, feel connected, and have fun. I do see that as obvious, but it's a new challenge at this stage. Happily, we've been finding successes and she's a happy teen.
Through this, I want to respect her and support her. She's not playing dumb, but she's not as comfortable answering questions that show her atypicalities as much as she used to be. This makes new environments more complicated to navigate.
Typical openers we here all the time:
What grade are you in?
How old are you?
Wait . . . . [does math in head]
Disclaimer - her actual technical grade is the one she'd have if she had been born at 37 weeks of gestation, full term . . . . she's only been accelerated by weeks if you look at it that way . . . . and yet, here it comes right away . . . a flag. a difference. awkwardness.
Physically, she takes after her mother, poor thing. I had a wonderful conversation about this with her cousin, his parents, my daughter & my husband not long ago. This cousin is in college and also runs on the smaller end of the range. He said something like this:
Nephew: "I used to hate it when waiters would assume I was so much younger than I was."
BIL: "Oh, remember the [places hand on son's shoulder] 'How's it going big guy?'" [all over exaggerated friendliness].
Then this from my SIL, who is about my age: "I was on a work trip and wanted to buy a bottle of wine, and they refused my MN driver's license saying it was a fake. . . . I said call the cops!" Yes, the cops came, they intervened & supported her . . . things you never thought you'd deal with . . . . getting carded and refused in your 40s . . . . . ugh! And then hearing how nice it must be to be assumed to be so much younger than you are. I, personally, have had some pleasant & some very unpleasant experiences as well . . . .
Oh, we all laughed, and I think it made my daughter feel good to hear she's not alone. And others have reached out to her to assure her that she is more typical than she might think. I am so grateful to my beloved family members who have stepped in and supported and encouraged her . . . and me. . .
I'm still learning to support my daughter's wishes, whether or not they would be mine, so long as they are healthy. As she's growing up, I adore learning more about her as she explores herself and evolves as a person. I also get scared that I'm going to make too many mistakes or mistakes too big. I will make mistakes. I tell her that all the time. And I finish with "I hope that the fact that I know I'm not perfect and that you can see me trying and changing and working on things will be enough for you to overlook my errors or minimize their impact on you." She smiles and hugs me.
Any experienced with responsible teenagers advice for me? Other funny stories that you think of as you read? I'd love to hear from you.
Here's the deal. She's rarely been "normal" in most areas, so this is kind of freaking me out!! It's another huge adjustment. All parents have them. I know that. It still caught me off guard.
For the last six or seven years, we've been figuring out the different diagnoses and mind wiring differences for this extraordinary person. One of the things I admire about her is her openness. Those of you who know me personally, I'm open to a fault, and my husband can be, as well. Maybe that shouldn't surprise me that she has been, but I didn't expect a child to be so self-assured. She's just been OK with who she was.
More than that, she has been just fine with other people being just how they are. I had my first fake heart attack with her when a child in a wheelchair was waiting for his sister in M's preschool class as I was waiting beside his mother. He was on the floor, clearly had Spina Bifida, and was a happy child doing tummy time on the floor. When M came out of the classroom, she said "that looks like fun!" and plopped down onto the floor on her belly & acted like an otter. In her mind, they were simply playing together, of course! Luckily, the mother smiled at me with a wide, genuine smile & we became friendly companions in a few environments. I wasn't sure how the mother would react, but am thankful that I did not need to try and coach my child not to see everyone as equal to herself, as I believe society tells us to . . . . all too often . . . .
When we first learned about the giftedness complications, I was worried it would lead to arrogance, as it statistically can pretty often. However, I have never seen that in her. Maybe I am a biased mom, but I honestly believe that she is simply a better person than I am. Being around others with intellectual capacities similar to hers has helped, I am sure. However, the programs she's chosen going forward are not mostly with groups of people like her that way. Perhaps she'll change her mind, but so far, she enjoys being in a more mainstream environment. Now, she hasn't chosen school, so I mean that in a relative sense, but she has chosen the more "normal" parts of her program as the ones she'll plan around.
When she was diagnosed with visual impairments and retained reflexes, we had another shift in perspective to absorb. Again, she jumped in feet first, and seemed mostly relieved. It explained a lot of things that had frustrated her about herself and addressed them, removing and/or reducing those frustrations. We are very blessed to have been able to do a year of therapy for her at a wonderful place with amazing people. That was life-changing. Again, she didn't see herself as different.
In her more mainstream classes, she has friends whose accomplishments in the classroom are not the same as hers. This has never stopped her from interacting with people based on common interests. Over time, it seems that her focus has never been on intellectual capacity, but on how much connection she feels with someone, and that can be based on any number of things. Like Minecraft, lol. . . . She socializes with various types of people as far as neurology and intellect. That seems obvious to me now, but somehow I didn't assume it would be like that. She did, however. See how much better she is than I am as a person?
Now we're entering teenage years, and like most people around that time, she simply wants to fit in, feel connected, and have fun. I do see that as obvious, but it's a new challenge at this stage. Happily, we've been finding successes and she's a happy teen.
Through this, I want to respect her and support her. She's not playing dumb, but she's not as comfortable answering questions that show her atypicalities as much as she used to be. This makes new environments more complicated to navigate.
Typical openers we here all the time:
What grade are you in?
How old are you?
Wait . . . . [does math in head]
Disclaimer - her actual technical grade is the one she'd have if she had been born at 37 weeks of gestation, full term . . . . she's only been accelerated by weeks if you look at it that way . . . . and yet, here it comes right away . . . a flag. a difference. awkwardness.
Physically, she takes after her mother, poor thing. I had a wonderful conversation about this with her cousin, his parents, my daughter & my husband not long ago. This cousin is in college and also runs on the smaller end of the range. He said something like this:
Nephew: "I used to hate it when waiters would assume I was so much younger than I was."
BIL: "Oh, remember the [places hand on son's shoulder] 'How's it going big guy?'" [all over exaggerated friendliness].
Then this from my SIL, who is about my age: "I was on a work trip and wanted to buy a bottle of wine, and they refused my MN driver's license saying it was a fake. . . . I said call the cops!" Yes, the cops came, they intervened & supported her . . . things you never thought you'd deal with . . . . getting carded and refused in your 40s . . . . . ugh! And then hearing how nice it must be to be assumed to be so much younger than you are. I, personally, have had some pleasant & some very unpleasant experiences as well . . . .
Oh, we all laughed, and I think it made my daughter feel good to hear she's not alone. And others have reached out to her to assure her that she is more typical than she might think. I am so grateful to my beloved family members who have stepped in and supported and encouraged her . . . and me. . .
I'm still learning to support my daughter's wishes, whether or not they would be mine, so long as they are healthy. As she's growing up, I adore learning more about her as she explores herself and evolves as a person. I also get scared that I'm going to make too many mistakes or mistakes too big. I will make mistakes. I tell her that all the time. And I finish with "I hope that the fact that I know I'm not perfect and that you can see me trying and changing and working on things will be enough for you to overlook my errors or minimize their impact on you." She smiles and hugs me.
Any experienced with responsible teenagers advice for me? Other funny stories that you think of as you read? I'd love to hear from you.
Monday, July 9, 2018
New Chapters - New Journeys
I wrote a couple of posts ago about a book I'm reading by Steve Wiens called Beginnings.
It's taken me a long time between Chapter 5 and Chapter 6. During that time, we went on the longest family vacation we've ever taken, which was wonderful and beautiful and relaxing and connecting. There have also been the usual summer activities such as family gatherings and camp and yardwork - definitely in order of preference.
I was determined to get back on track. For those of you who didn't read my earlier post, I started reading this book from my list now because I'm anticipating the next chapter. My girl is a teen now. When I started this blog, she was clearly a child. An atypical, wonderful, challenging, and intense child. But still a child.
How can that only be a few years ago?
As the homeschooling mother of a teen, I have a few years left until I have a very definite deadline I'm working toward. All parents' job is to work themselves out of a job, and support our offspring into becoming independent. As a homeschooling parent, there's another dimension to that concept of working yourself out of a job. It feels bigger to me.
Today I turned on chapter 6 (on audible). The title of the chapter is Monsters.
Just yesterday I had texted a dear friend telling her that I needed to get my brain to shut up. I was panicking about things that are not timely and not helpful. She gets it. I knew she would. I got through it, but woke up today feeling very similar to yesterday and then hear that my next chapter is about facing my monsters. Timely? Terrifying? Yes and yes.
There are so many things in this chapter that I can relate to. My biggest monster right now has shown up in the last few weeks, in between these chapters. It affects me greatly, but also is the result of some very positive things, and they are not my things to share. I am striving to respect my teen's privacy and still engage in my own experience. You might feel that there are gaps. There are.
This blog's intent was to put some emotional support or at least acknowledge that you're not alone to future parents of highly gifted children. I didn't see much emotional resource when we first got started. So now, I'm back to focusing on the basics & what's mine to share - the emotions.
The word emotions doesn't sound like a strength to me. It certainly isn't used as a compliment in our society, or at least wasn't in the society and environment I grew up in. Being called emotional isn't something females see as a compliment. It feels demeaning, minimizing, and shameful.
This is ridiculous! People have emotions. If they didn't, they would be robots.
Over time, I have learned to see my emotions and emotional experiences as something worthwhile and genuine and worth sharing. I use that to serve a purpose. I try to support people and make sure struggling people don't think they're alone if I can relate. That is a strength. It's emotional, too.
As I face a very definite deadline of working myself out of a job, I am emotional. Graduation is a transition time for all parents. For me, it will also mean being laid off. And it's a good thing.
But I don't want it! Or more accurately, I'm afraid of it. I do want fulfillment and growth and indepence for my daughter. I fear and grieve for myself, not her. I never wanted to homeschool her. Now, I don't want to stop. So am I fearing change? Am I dealing with an imminent identity crisis? Are there exciting things ahead? Will I be bored? Will she stay closely connected to us? Will she live near us?
I don't know. And neither does she.
I'm learning to live with that. Because the things she wants will not look like what I want in many ways. And yet, just last week, she surprised herself and me by stating a definite opinion about lifestyle that exactly matches my own. Another recent one, I thought, "YES! Perfect!" and it was about something I personally would hate . . . . but I was thinking of her future, not mine.
My monster will be talking and dreaming about "her future", rather than "our future". I will cry and be sad, and she will know that. In fact, she smiles sometimes when she see it because she knows it's an expression of love. She feels good, even though she doesn't want me to be sad. I will repeat the mantra "I'm so proud of you!" even through those tears. I will tell her "I'm excited for you!" and "I'll miss you!" as we go through this chapter. And I'll have my days full of tears of self pity through the bittersweet changes.
That is my place of tension right now. And that's what chapter 6 of the book is about.
It's taken me a long time between Chapter 5 and Chapter 6. During that time, we went on the longest family vacation we've ever taken, which was wonderful and beautiful and relaxing and connecting. There have also been the usual summer activities such as family gatherings and camp and yardwork - definitely in order of preference.
I was determined to get back on track. For those of you who didn't read my earlier post, I started reading this book from my list now because I'm anticipating the next chapter. My girl is a teen now. When I started this blog, she was clearly a child. An atypical, wonderful, challenging, and intense child. But still a child.
How can that only be a few years ago?
As the homeschooling mother of a teen, I have a few years left until I have a very definite deadline I'm working toward. All parents' job is to work themselves out of a job, and support our offspring into becoming independent. As a homeschooling parent, there's another dimension to that concept of working yourself out of a job. It feels bigger to me.
Today I turned on chapter 6 (on audible). The title of the chapter is Monsters.
Just yesterday I had texted a dear friend telling her that I needed to get my brain to shut up. I was panicking about things that are not timely and not helpful. She gets it. I knew she would. I got through it, but woke up today feeling very similar to yesterday and then hear that my next chapter is about facing my monsters. Timely? Terrifying? Yes and yes.
There are so many things in this chapter that I can relate to. My biggest monster right now has shown up in the last few weeks, in between these chapters. It affects me greatly, but also is the result of some very positive things, and they are not my things to share. I am striving to respect my teen's privacy and still engage in my own experience. You might feel that there are gaps. There are.
This blog's intent was to put some emotional support or at least acknowledge that you're not alone to future parents of highly gifted children. I didn't see much emotional resource when we first got started. So now, I'm back to focusing on the basics & what's mine to share - the emotions.
The word emotions doesn't sound like a strength to me. It certainly isn't used as a compliment in our society, or at least wasn't in the society and environment I grew up in. Being called emotional isn't something females see as a compliment. It feels demeaning, minimizing, and shameful.
This is ridiculous! People have emotions. If they didn't, they would be robots.
Over time, I have learned to see my emotions and emotional experiences as something worthwhile and genuine and worth sharing. I use that to serve a purpose. I try to support people and make sure struggling people don't think they're alone if I can relate. That is a strength. It's emotional, too.
As I face a very definite deadline of working myself out of a job, I am emotional. Graduation is a transition time for all parents. For me, it will also mean being laid off. And it's a good thing.
But I don't want it! Or more accurately, I'm afraid of it. I do want fulfillment and growth and indepence for my daughter. I fear and grieve for myself, not her. I never wanted to homeschool her. Now, I don't want to stop. So am I fearing change? Am I dealing with an imminent identity crisis? Are there exciting things ahead? Will I be bored? Will she stay closely connected to us? Will she live near us?
I don't know. And neither does she.
I'm learning to live with that. Because the things she wants will not look like what I want in many ways. And yet, just last week, she surprised herself and me by stating a definite opinion about lifestyle that exactly matches my own. Another recent one, I thought, "YES! Perfect!" and it was about something I personally would hate . . . . but I was thinking of her future, not mine.
My monster will be talking and dreaming about "her future", rather than "our future". I will cry and be sad, and she will know that. In fact, she smiles sometimes when she see it because she knows it's an expression of love. She feels good, even though she doesn't want me to be sad. I will repeat the mantra "I'm so proud of you!" even through those tears. I will tell her "I'm excited for you!" and "I'll miss you!" as we go through this chapter. And I'll have my days full of tears of self pity through the bittersweet changes.
That is my place of tension right now. And that's what chapter 6 of the book is about.
Sunday, May 27, 2018
Meeting Ava - what to do when you meet a neuroatypical kid
I think most people really want to be kind and helpful when they meet a neuroatypical kid. Many have no idea what to do.
We are afraid of offending the parents or someone else. We are uncomfortable and unused to the patterns of behavior. We want to be kind. We don't know what to do. We are embarrassed. We do nothing, most of the time.
One thing I didn't expect to learn during this educational adventure is relating to other neuroatypical families. People often assume gifted kids are simply very smart. They are very smart. However, it's about how they're wired. They are neuroatypical. They have quirks and different patterns of behavior. They make people uncomfortable just by being themselves, especially when they are young and learning social skills. If you're looking for an example, think of Sheldon, or young Sheldon . . . Some of the things that happen on those shows don't seem so satirical to us.
Earlier this month, we were on a date. So M was at home, being old enough to stay home on her own, which has been SOOOOOO liberating. If yours are younger, it WILL come. It's worth the wait. We decided to go to Red Robin, where my niece has me addicted to campfire sauce. YUM!
It was Mother's Day weekend, I think. A larger, multi-generational group was sitting next to us, and I didn't notice them until my new friend Ava moved on the booth between our tables and sat next to me. I had heard some things that made it clear someone at the table was neuroatypical, but hadn't thought much of it. A decade ago, that would not have been my approach.
We had finished our meal and my husband went to the restroom, so I turned to the girl next to me who was wearing the most adorable leggings - with cat whiskers on the knees. I thought my girl and her friends would love them, so I complimented her leggings. The rest of her group looked apprehensive and uncomfortable. I ignored that. I only saw it because her mother was at the far end of the table and told me where she got the leggings.
Ava slid closer on the bench and introduced herself. I'll admit, I was uncomfortable, but am far more used to these situations than I used to be, so I masked that as best I could. She introduced herself and asked my name. I told her. She asked for my birth date, 1 piece of info at a time. I decided she wasn't an identity thief & told her. Quicker than I could think, she told me exactly how old I am. I let my genuine surprise and admiration show said, "You are SO good at math! Wow!!" She replied simply with her own age.
She was wearing shoes that are exactly like a pair both my daughter and I have (don't judge - I'm tiny & kids tennis shoes are cheaper), so I told her. Her mother's shoulders relaxed a bit at this point. She was watching Epic on a tablet, which is one of my favorite movies. She is a year younger than my daughter, about my size, and a sweet neuroatypical girl who simply wants to be friends.
She asked if I like minions. As a matter of fact, both my ring tone and my text tone are minion noises - more and more similarities! She asked to hear them, so I pulled out my phone, pulled up that screen & handed it to her, at which point she started listening to the minion choices I'd made.
At this point, my husband returned, and it wasn't that long a trip, so you can imagine the whirlwind pace that is Ava. I introduced her to him, and she pointed to me and said, "She's my new friend." My husband is a loving and accepting man, but less used to neuroatypical situations and was less successful at hiding his discomfort. Like I said, not that long ago, I would have been also. He was ready to go. I told him I'd be there in a minute, trying to give him the comfort of leaving right away. He took it.
I told Ava is was lovely meeting her, but we had to go. I slid the long way around the table, as Ava was blocking the closer exit, and walked around to stand beside her mother, who looked like her discomfort was increasing. I touched her shoulder and said, "she's delightful." This mother beamed! We exchanged other pleasantries, and I joined my husband.
This was maybe 5 minutes of my day. It exhausted me, as I'm almost off the charts introverted, lol. I'd do it again, tho. My husband expressed his appreciation for my approach, and we went home.
As I think back on that, I realized that I have a deep love for Ava and neuroatypical kids like her. She is different than my daughter, but having experienced this adventure, I feel like I can relate to those families, as well. I've decided that the best things I can do for all of them is the same thing I would do with any stranger I encounter. I compliment what I genuinely notice and enjoy. I relate to them in whatever way is apparent and obvious. I engage with them, and show interest in them. Sometimes that's the greatest gift we can give.
So, if you're looking for ways to be kind to those you are uncomfortable around, I won't claim to have all the answers. I won't claim that I don't offend some people accidentally. But that day was a success, and I have a new friend named Ava.
We are afraid of offending the parents or someone else. We are uncomfortable and unused to the patterns of behavior. We want to be kind. We don't know what to do. We are embarrassed. We do nothing, most of the time.
One thing I didn't expect to learn during this educational adventure is relating to other neuroatypical families. People often assume gifted kids are simply very smart. They are very smart. However, it's about how they're wired. They are neuroatypical. They have quirks and different patterns of behavior. They make people uncomfortable just by being themselves, especially when they are young and learning social skills. If you're looking for an example, think of Sheldon, or young Sheldon . . . Some of the things that happen on those shows don't seem so satirical to us.
Earlier this month, we were on a date. So M was at home, being old enough to stay home on her own, which has been SOOOOOO liberating. If yours are younger, it WILL come. It's worth the wait. We decided to go to Red Robin, where my niece has me addicted to campfire sauce. YUM!
It was Mother's Day weekend, I think. A larger, multi-generational group was sitting next to us, and I didn't notice them until my new friend Ava moved on the booth between our tables and sat next to me. I had heard some things that made it clear someone at the table was neuroatypical, but hadn't thought much of it. A decade ago, that would not have been my approach.
We had finished our meal and my husband went to the restroom, so I turned to the girl next to me who was wearing the most adorable leggings - with cat whiskers on the knees. I thought my girl and her friends would love them, so I complimented her leggings. The rest of her group looked apprehensive and uncomfortable. I ignored that. I only saw it because her mother was at the far end of the table and told me where she got the leggings.
Ava slid closer on the bench and introduced herself. I'll admit, I was uncomfortable, but am far more used to these situations than I used to be, so I masked that as best I could. She introduced herself and asked my name. I told her. She asked for my birth date, 1 piece of info at a time. I decided she wasn't an identity thief & told her. Quicker than I could think, she told me exactly how old I am. I let my genuine surprise and admiration show said, "You are SO good at math! Wow!!" She replied simply with her own age.
She was wearing shoes that are exactly like a pair both my daughter and I have (don't judge - I'm tiny & kids tennis shoes are cheaper), so I told her. Her mother's shoulders relaxed a bit at this point. She was watching Epic on a tablet, which is one of my favorite movies. She is a year younger than my daughter, about my size, and a sweet neuroatypical girl who simply wants to be friends.
She asked if I like minions. As a matter of fact, both my ring tone and my text tone are minion noises - more and more similarities! She asked to hear them, so I pulled out my phone, pulled up that screen & handed it to her, at which point she started listening to the minion choices I'd made.
At this point, my husband returned, and it wasn't that long a trip, so you can imagine the whirlwind pace that is Ava. I introduced her to him, and she pointed to me and said, "She's my new friend." My husband is a loving and accepting man, but less used to neuroatypical situations and was less successful at hiding his discomfort. Like I said, not that long ago, I would have been also. He was ready to go. I told him I'd be there in a minute, trying to give him the comfort of leaving right away. He took it.
I told Ava is was lovely meeting her, but we had to go. I slid the long way around the table, as Ava was blocking the closer exit, and walked around to stand beside her mother, who looked like her discomfort was increasing. I touched her shoulder and said, "she's delightful." This mother beamed! We exchanged other pleasantries, and I joined my husband.
This was maybe 5 minutes of my day. It exhausted me, as I'm almost off the charts introverted, lol. I'd do it again, tho. My husband expressed his appreciation for my approach, and we went home.
As I think back on that, I realized that I have a deep love for Ava and neuroatypical kids like her. She is different than my daughter, but having experienced this adventure, I feel like I can relate to those families, as well. I've decided that the best things I can do for all of them is the same thing I would do with any stranger I encounter. I compliment what I genuinely notice and enjoy. I relate to them in whatever way is apparent and obvious. I engage with them, and show interest in them. Sometimes that's the greatest gift we can give.
So, if you're looking for ways to be kind to those you are uncomfortable around, I won't claim to have all the answers. I won't claim that I don't offend some people accidentally. But that day was a success, and I have a new friend named Ava.
Friday, May 25, 2018
Remembering 2013
I’ve been listening to Steve Wiens’ audio book Beginnings & Day 3 took me back to 2013 as he described a crazy & wonderful adventure he took as an example in the chapter. I met him in person before then & knew about that adventure as it was happening, so it took me back to my own experiences as I excitedly followed his progress.
The short version is that he ran across the Grand Canyon rim to rim and raised money to support women who had no future prospects & it was hugely successful. For the detailed version of his story see his site and/or read the book Beginnings.
His question from this chapter is what seeds are in you that will bring forth life in others as well? That is a hard question for me. I’m learning to prioritize and figure out my individual fulfillment within the framework of a life I frankly would not have chosen. It's also a framework that is nearing an end, so I've been contemplating my next chapter.
For those who are new to this blog, I adore my daughter and am ridiculously proud of her. However, I never intended to homeschool her. I didn’t want that for myself. When it became apparent that she needed that, I reprioritized and made it happen. It was messy. It is still messy. There is no question that it was the right path for her. None at all. At 6.5 years into the journey, I'm pretty comfortable with it, but it’s really different than it used to be. It's taken a lot of work and support from others to get here.
In the summer of 2013 I was still homeschooling & had finished about a year and a half. Yes, summer goes with homeschooling. For one thing, she refused to take s break for a few years. I wanted a summer break!!!!! She didn’t. Sigh . . . We were also newly estranged from the family I grew up with.
That particular summer I felt not completely out of my mind with the transition, but still incredibly gun shy. I never knew how much unsolicited advice & stranger criticism could come from homeschooling. It was HARD! Everyone had an answer, or story, or someone they new that . . . . you get the idea. Many of them were scare tactics to talk me out of homeschooling, which my daughter neurologically needed. My husband was always better at blowing that stuff off than I have been. Being a mom is vulnerable. Being a homeschooling mom of an atypical learner is TERRIFYING!!!
One of my friends at the time repeatedly told me I should simply not bring it up, lol . . . If you've ever met my daughter . . . . She's a talker! Yes, she does take after her mother that way, lol. Also, as soon as she opens her mouth, it's obvious there's something a little different inside that pretty little head & people start asking questions. So not dealing with it meant not leaving the house. Yes, we did choose that more often than you might think.
With all the time & emotional energy spent on figuring out how to help our girl find fulfilling learning & connection, I had quit teaching piano lessons after 18 years. I never thought I would quit that. I simply was exhausted, and I didn’t have the capacity to homeschool our daughter AND work for a paycheck at the same time. My husband was wonderfully supportive & so were my last few students, which helped. I was done with something I thought I'd do forever. I felt completely stunned in a numb sort of way.
I was also dealing with chronic pain that was mysterious & making very little progress. Not so many years earlier, I would swim laps and ride my bike miles almost every day in the warm season, and I was angry about these changes in my body. I was living in a house that was too big for us, and physically too much for me to keep up. And since our girl was so young, she could not yet be home alone, so I spent every day facing my views of disappointment in myself.
These changes in our lives coincided and/or caused so many relational schisms! I felt like my only value added at that point was my daughter & that was still not very stable. The rule of thumb from many parents of others like our girl was to find a new plan every 6 months?!?! We were done adding to our family, and I was still grieving the loss of 3 pregnancies, so my mom success rate felt abysmal. I never wanted to be a stay at home mom.
On fb, I saw that Steve Wiens was running rim to rim to raise money for girls to get out of sex trafficking (most of them were placed there by their own families). This definitely hit my heart. I cried tears of joy watching this adventure evolve into the Fall. I wanted so badly to be more involved & connected. People were running with him in solidarity, but I could not. People were donating money & I had recently stopped earning an income . . . And our version of homeschooling is working really hard WHILE spending significant money . . . I felt helpless.
So, I kicked my own butt & decided to get creative. I thought about St Nicholas, who gave money in secret to 3 girls without douries, which paralleled Steve’s effort & hit the homeschooling a young girl sphere I lived in . . . And I had an idea. Christmas stockings. I made Christmas stockings as gifts, mostly. . . I decided to talk with my husband & daughter about Christmas stockings.
My initial goal was related to reclaiming things in my own life and creating something positive out of them. I wanted to save 3 girls, symbolic of the 3 children we had lost. I used a sewing machine with ties to my ancestry, and placed it on a sewing machine table with ties to my husband's ancestry. I was pulling OUR family together and moving forward. A less reverent way I did this was to sit on the ancestry binders in order to get the appropriate angle as I sewed to reduce my pain. It made me smile and it made my husband laugh. It was a good addition. And the family I married into talked about how much their ancestors would love the effort I was taking on.
We told our daughter about prostitution without detail but simple definitions, another decision we were criticized for, but related to things relevant to her studies, like that of St Nicholas. She knew what the proceeds would do and why it was important. Physically, this was challenging & I had to pace myself, but I committed to making 30 quilted Christmas stockings that Fall & mail them to people who donated to the cause Steve Wiens was running for. It was VERY different from his marathon, but it was something I could do. The previous time I had made so many stockings had been just following my first miscarriage and I did it in about half the time, so this was my marathon.
About every other day, I’d do a chunk of the work & my family would give me the space to do that. My Aunt sent me Christmas fabrics she had in her home to support my efforts, which was such a sweet surprise. My girl would come in regularly to see what fabric combos I had chosen - did I mention that every stocking is one-of-a-kind? They are about 9 inches wide & 18 inches tall.
I was in pain for months, and could have had that pain reduced by not doing it. It was a tangible gift to people I will never meet in person, but care about nevertheless. I was touched by the people who cheered me on & donated but asked not to have a stocking sent. I felt the compliment of people who chose a particular stocking they wanted as I shared them on fb. A friend who has always been an inspiration to me gave repeatedly & collected a set for her family & the 2 girls that unofficially have joined their family regularly for years.
It was a meaningful investment of my time & when I was about $100 from the $1000 needed to save a whole person forever, my husband said, you did it. Top it off from me. 27 stockings were mailed. He agreed to us taking on all the postage. He also spent a lot of hours watching football (which was admittedly not a huge sacrifice) and intervening to give me privacy when my girl came to check on me . . . . about every 5 minutes at the start, lol . . . .
I did not reach my initial goal. Steve saved over 60 girls!!!! I am still so excited about that. It was a victory for me to save one. More than the girl who benefits, it was meaningful to me. It was the start of reclaiming and beginning again for me. I proved to myself that I could do it. I was not a failure, and that success can be measured differently than it used to be. It can be 1 girl instead of 3. It showed me that although my support network had gotten smaller suddenly, I still had a lot of support from a few beloved individuals and a lot of loving strangers and acquaintance.
More than anything, I can still picture my daughter's glowing smile when she came in to see what I was working on that day, and when she asked what the total was that I'd gotten to. She didn't care if it was 3 or 1. She was proud of me. "One whole person. Forever." That was her phrase to me that Christmas, which was when I ended my marathon. That's all I remember about that Christmas - her praise, and my husband's support and encouragement. I had carved out time for myself, and I had used it to plant seeds for greater life in myself and in a complete stranger in another country. It was good.
So, Steve asks what seeds are in me that will bring forth life in the future. I'm not sure right now. My girl is now in High School classes, and I see the end of this chapter. I will have no choice but to begin again. That is why I started this book right now. I'm anticipating. And he reminded me that I did it before. I can do it again. I feel stronger after remembering. Celebrate every accomplishment!
The short version is that he ran across the Grand Canyon rim to rim and raised money to support women who had no future prospects & it was hugely successful. For the detailed version of his story see his site and/or read the book Beginnings.
His question from this chapter is what seeds are in you that will bring forth life in others as well? That is a hard question for me. I’m learning to prioritize and figure out my individual fulfillment within the framework of a life I frankly would not have chosen. It's also a framework that is nearing an end, so I've been contemplating my next chapter.
For those who are new to this blog, I adore my daughter and am ridiculously proud of her. However, I never intended to homeschool her. I didn’t want that for myself. When it became apparent that she needed that, I reprioritized and made it happen. It was messy. It is still messy. There is no question that it was the right path for her. None at all. At 6.5 years into the journey, I'm pretty comfortable with it, but it’s really different than it used to be. It's taken a lot of work and support from others to get here.
In the summer of 2013 I was still homeschooling & had finished about a year and a half. Yes, summer goes with homeschooling. For one thing, she refused to take s break for a few years. I wanted a summer break!!!!! She didn’t. Sigh . . . We were also newly estranged from the family I grew up with.
That particular summer I felt not completely out of my mind with the transition, but still incredibly gun shy. I never knew how much unsolicited advice & stranger criticism could come from homeschooling. It was HARD! Everyone had an answer, or story, or someone they new that . . . . you get the idea. Many of them were scare tactics to talk me out of homeschooling, which my daughter neurologically needed. My husband was always better at blowing that stuff off than I have been. Being a mom is vulnerable. Being a homeschooling mom of an atypical learner is TERRIFYING!!!
One of my friends at the time repeatedly told me I should simply not bring it up, lol . . . If you've ever met my daughter . . . . She's a talker! Yes, she does take after her mother that way, lol. Also, as soon as she opens her mouth, it's obvious there's something a little different inside that pretty little head & people start asking questions. So not dealing with it meant not leaving the house. Yes, we did choose that more often than you might think.
With all the time & emotional energy spent on figuring out how to help our girl find fulfilling learning & connection, I had quit teaching piano lessons after 18 years. I never thought I would quit that. I simply was exhausted, and I didn’t have the capacity to homeschool our daughter AND work for a paycheck at the same time. My husband was wonderfully supportive & so were my last few students, which helped. I was done with something I thought I'd do forever. I felt completely stunned in a numb sort of way.
I was also dealing with chronic pain that was mysterious & making very little progress. Not so many years earlier, I would swim laps and ride my bike miles almost every day in the warm season, and I was angry about these changes in my body. I was living in a house that was too big for us, and physically too much for me to keep up. And since our girl was so young, she could not yet be home alone, so I spent every day facing my views of disappointment in myself.
These changes in our lives coincided and/or caused so many relational schisms! I felt like my only value added at that point was my daughter & that was still not very stable. The rule of thumb from many parents of others like our girl was to find a new plan every 6 months?!?! We were done adding to our family, and I was still grieving the loss of 3 pregnancies, so my mom success rate felt abysmal. I never wanted to be a stay at home mom.
On fb, I saw that Steve Wiens was running rim to rim to raise money for girls to get out of sex trafficking (most of them were placed there by their own families). This definitely hit my heart. I cried tears of joy watching this adventure evolve into the Fall. I wanted so badly to be more involved & connected. People were running with him in solidarity, but I could not. People were donating money & I had recently stopped earning an income . . . And our version of homeschooling is working really hard WHILE spending significant money . . . I felt helpless.
So, I kicked my own butt & decided to get creative. I thought about St Nicholas, who gave money in secret to 3 girls without douries, which paralleled Steve’s effort & hit the homeschooling a young girl sphere I lived in . . . And I had an idea. Christmas stockings. I made Christmas stockings as gifts, mostly. . . I decided to talk with my husband & daughter about Christmas stockings.
My initial goal was related to reclaiming things in my own life and creating something positive out of them. I wanted to save 3 girls, symbolic of the 3 children we had lost. I used a sewing machine with ties to my ancestry, and placed it on a sewing machine table with ties to my husband's ancestry. I was pulling OUR family together and moving forward. A less reverent way I did this was to sit on the ancestry binders in order to get the appropriate angle as I sewed to reduce my pain. It made me smile and it made my husband laugh. It was a good addition. And the family I married into talked about how much their ancestors would love the effort I was taking on.
We told our daughter about prostitution without detail but simple definitions, another decision we were criticized for, but related to things relevant to her studies, like that of St Nicholas. She knew what the proceeds would do and why it was important. Physically, this was challenging & I had to pace myself, but I committed to making 30 quilted Christmas stockings that Fall & mail them to people who donated to the cause Steve Wiens was running for. It was VERY different from his marathon, but it was something I could do. The previous time I had made so many stockings had been just following my first miscarriage and I did it in about half the time, so this was my marathon.
About every other day, I’d do a chunk of the work & my family would give me the space to do that. My Aunt sent me Christmas fabrics she had in her home to support my efforts, which was such a sweet surprise. My girl would come in regularly to see what fabric combos I had chosen - did I mention that every stocking is one-of-a-kind? They are about 9 inches wide & 18 inches tall.
I was in pain for months, and could have had that pain reduced by not doing it. It was a tangible gift to people I will never meet in person, but care about nevertheless. I was touched by the people who cheered me on & donated but asked not to have a stocking sent. I felt the compliment of people who chose a particular stocking they wanted as I shared them on fb. A friend who has always been an inspiration to me gave repeatedly & collected a set for her family & the 2 girls that unofficially have joined their family regularly for years.
It was a meaningful investment of my time & when I was about $100 from the $1000 needed to save a whole person forever, my husband said, you did it. Top it off from me. 27 stockings were mailed. He agreed to us taking on all the postage. He also spent a lot of hours watching football (which was admittedly not a huge sacrifice) and intervening to give me privacy when my girl came to check on me . . . . about every 5 minutes at the start, lol . . . .
I did not reach my initial goal. Steve saved over 60 girls!!!! I am still so excited about that. It was a victory for me to save one. More than the girl who benefits, it was meaningful to me. It was the start of reclaiming and beginning again for me. I proved to myself that I could do it. I was not a failure, and that success can be measured differently than it used to be. It can be 1 girl instead of 3. It showed me that although my support network had gotten smaller suddenly, I still had a lot of support from a few beloved individuals and a lot of loving strangers and acquaintance.
More than anything, I can still picture my daughter's glowing smile when she came in to see what I was working on that day, and when she asked what the total was that I'd gotten to. She didn't care if it was 3 or 1. She was proud of me. "One whole person. Forever." That was her phrase to me that Christmas, which was when I ended my marathon. That's all I remember about that Christmas - her praise, and my husband's support and encouragement. I had carved out time for myself, and I had used it to plant seeds for greater life in myself and in a complete stranger in another country. It was good.
So, Steve asks what seeds are in me that will bring forth life in the future. I'm not sure right now. My girl is now in High School classes, and I see the end of this chapter. I will have no choice but to begin again. That is why I started this book right now. I'm anticipating. And he reminded me that I did it before. I can do it again. I feel stronger after remembering. Celebrate every accomplishment!
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
It's been a while & giftedness poster child?
I've been neglecting this for a long while. For those of you who know what's been going on in my life the last few years, the most succinct explanation is that I've been busy being a homeschool mom and spending more time being an aunt to some amazing adults. That time is something I cherish, but the journey is still on & I am still the mother of an atypical child.
We have now been homsechooling and allowing M to learn at her own pace for over 6 years . . . . officially. Christmas Break was when we started when she was 7 years old and we pulled her out of the middle of 1st grade.
Now, we have a teenager. An amazing teenager who is going through all the normal young teenager challenges and experiences and adjustments that all humans go through in their own way. She has also decided to put off college as long as possible, which has been a relief to our whole family, but definitely her choice. And it's going well. She'll simply have a lot of "extra classes" in a variety of areas and be able to explore more topics to help her decide on a path that makes her happy in her future life.
The last couple of years we have had less obviously atypical situations. There are more and more times where I can go out and have giftedness not be part of the experience. It's been wonderfully peaceful.
There are occasions where someone notices and gets excited and goes off on their own tangent, no even hearing my girl's response . . . recently, a former schoolteacher we ran across doing everyday business . . . .
"You could be the first female president," to which M's eyes got wide and she said, "My friend would be much happier in that role. I don't want my hair to go gray all in one year," lol . . . . The woman didn't even hear her respond and continued along the political options line of suggestions . . . After trying to respond politely to the woman 2-3 times, my girl looked at me and silently sent the message, "Please make her stop talking." Fortunately, a woman we know better was there & stepped in, saving me the trouble and refocusing the conversation on me, telling her what a great mom she thinks I am. This woman has been a super supportive person in my life, obviously. . . .
We run across conversations like that all the time.
Could she go into politics? Her brain could certainly handle the information, but it would make her miserable. It's simply not a good fit for her personality, just like anyone else. The message she gets is that because she can, she should. That's what we're dealing with now.
Fortunately, we have a community of people who are supportive of her leading the way, as she always has. When she was younger, she seemed hungrier and more drawn to speedy progress. Now, she's focusing more on relationships, hobbies, expressing herself with her hairstyle & clothing, etc. M is not superficial, but she is growing up and learning and exploring herself in a different way than she used to. Most of the influential people in her educational life now compliment her maturity in knowing that she doesn't want to rush into a college situation. I love that they are supporting her in this change. It seems respectful, and honoring that they are listening to her & taking it seriously.
And today, the big new thing was getting a slime recipe from her friend and making glitter slime from the new "messy" pikmi pops. If you're not following, just picture the annoying gift filler that's metallic and never goes away no matter how much you vacuum. It comes with these toys & goes everywhere . . . . yay? I digress. The point is that she's still the age she is. Every day is not full of super advanced stuff, but fun stuff that is age appropriate is mixed in regularly, whenever it appeals to her.
In all this, I have gotten comfortable. It's not as constant a project as it was 6 years ago. I am much more comfortable. M also has found more generic answers to people when they ask about educational stuff. We avoid it gently in many situations and now we can get away with it much more often.
Here's the problem with that. There are still many people dealing with the journey in a way closer to ours 6 years ago than now. I want to support them. I also received SO much support and wonderful sounding boards from those with children older than mine. I feel I should pay it forward in whatever way I can. And I want to . . . . most days. Other days, I want to stay comfortably out of it.
I remember thinking that giftedness needed a poster child. That things like ADHD, Autism, Gifted Athleticism, Advanced Artistic ability, and many more areas are celebrated. I still feel like giftedness is seen as pushy parenting and/or conceit. It's a neuroatypicality not unlike some of the things listed in the beginning of this paragraph. It's a need and a want of the child, not the parent. Maybe the parent, as well, but for this parent, not so much. I love my child, so I support her the best way I can, which means dealing with giftedness.
Another person shared similar feelings recently. I don't want anyone to imagine that this blog and my daughter or the facebook information and that child, are templates of giftedness. They are all individuals with different needs and patterns. There are many similarities, tho. As I read this, it took me back and resonated with me. We attended the same coop with this family for a time, although I don't know them really . . . . I am proud of this mother for having the courage and motivation to put it out there. She will be judged and she knows it, but believes it's important enough to do anyway. Hopefully, it will help people think about these often lonely situations and consider the fun parts, as well. Please be cautious about making assumptions. Try to understand and support these families. Like my family . . . .
https://www.facebook.com/ElliottRobbTanner/posts/154453705251857
When people tell me it must be easy, I tell them it's terrifying and wonderful. It's a huge responsibility, and an exhausting position to be in. Consider that Einstein & the Unibomber are both examples of giftedness, and quite different from one another. Ability is one thing. Good outlets for your gifts are quite another. And providing healthy outlets for those abilities and appetites can be daunting. It is also very important. I wonder what amazing things these people will do later in life. Some may be very publicly visible. Some may not. The more love they feel, the more positive their impact is likely to be. . . .
And that applies to people in all special interest groups. Feeling loved and supported is critical and transformative. We try to connect with people in different situsations, believing that genuine interest will lead to unity and strength among people . . . please join us in loving and supporting this variety in people. How boring would it be if we were all the same, anyway?!
We have now been homsechooling and allowing M to learn at her own pace for over 6 years . . . . officially. Christmas Break was when we started when she was 7 years old and we pulled her out of the middle of 1st grade.
Now, we have a teenager. An amazing teenager who is going through all the normal young teenager challenges and experiences and adjustments that all humans go through in their own way. She has also decided to put off college as long as possible, which has been a relief to our whole family, but definitely her choice. And it's going well. She'll simply have a lot of "extra classes" in a variety of areas and be able to explore more topics to help her decide on a path that makes her happy in her future life.
The last couple of years we have had less obviously atypical situations. There are more and more times where I can go out and have giftedness not be part of the experience. It's been wonderfully peaceful.
There are occasions where someone notices and gets excited and goes off on their own tangent, no even hearing my girl's response . . . recently, a former schoolteacher we ran across doing everyday business . . . .
"You could be the first female president," to which M's eyes got wide and she said, "My friend would be much happier in that role. I don't want my hair to go gray all in one year," lol . . . . The woman didn't even hear her respond and continued along the political options line of suggestions . . . After trying to respond politely to the woman 2-3 times, my girl looked at me and silently sent the message, "Please make her stop talking." Fortunately, a woman we know better was there & stepped in, saving me the trouble and refocusing the conversation on me, telling her what a great mom she thinks I am. This woman has been a super supportive person in my life, obviously. . . .
We run across conversations like that all the time.
Could she go into politics? Her brain could certainly handle the information, but it would make her miserable. It's simply not a good fit for her personality, just like anyone else. The message she gets is that because she can, she should. That's what we're dealing with now.
Fortunately, we have a community of people who are supportive of her leading the way, as she always has. When she was younger, she seemed hungrier and more drawn to speedy progress. Now, she's focusing more on relationships, hobbies, expressing herself with her hairstyle & clothing, etc. M is not superficial, but she is growing up and learning and exploring herself in a different way than she used to. Most of the influential people in her educational life now compliment her maturity in knowing that she doesn't want to rush into a college situation. I love that they are supporting her in this change. It seems respectful, and honoring that they are listening to her & taking it seriously.
And today, the big new thing was getting a slime recipe from her friend and making glitter slime from the new "messy" pikmi pops. If you're not following, just picture the annoying gift filler that's metallic and never goes away no matter how much you vacuum. It comes with these toys & goes everywhere . . . . yay? I digress. The point is that she's still the age she is. Every day is not full of super advanced stuff, but fun stuff that is age appropriate is mixed in regularly, whenever it appeals to her.
In all this, I have gotten comfortable. It's not as constant a project as it was 6 years ago. I am much more comfortable. M also has found more generic answers to people when they ask about educational stuff. We avoid it gently in many situations and now we can get away with it much more often.
Here's the problem with that. There are still many people dealing with the journey in a way closer to ours 6 years ago than now. I want to support them. I also received SO much support and wonderful sounding boards from those with children older than mine. I feel I should pay it forward in whatever way I can. And I want to . . . . most days. Other days, I want to stay comfortably out of it.
I remember thinking that giftedness needed a poster child. That things like ADHD, Autism, Gifted Athleticism, Advanced Artistic ability, and many more areas are celebrated. I still feel like giftedness is seen as pushy parenting and/or conceit. It's a neuroatypicality not unlike some of the things listed in the beginning of this paragraph. It's a need and a want of the child, not the parent. Maybe the parent, as well, but for this parent, not so much. I love my child, so I support her the best way I can, which means dealing with giftedness.
Another person shared similar feelings recently. I don't want anyone to imagine that this blog and my daughter or the facebook information and that child, are templates of giftedness. They are all individuals with different needs and patterns. There are many similarities, tho. As I read this, it took me back and resonated with me. We attended the same coop with this family for a time, although I don't know them really . . . . I am proud of this mother for having the courage and motivation to put it out there. She will be judged and she knows it, but believes it's important enough to do anyway. Hopefully, it will help people think about these often lonely situations and consider the fun parts, as well. Please be cautious about making assumptions. Try to understand and support these families. Like my family . . . .
https://www.facebook.com/ElliottRobbTanner/posts/154453705251857
When people tell me it must be easy, I tell them it's terrifying and wonderful. It's a huge responsibility, and an exhausting position to be in. Consider that Einstein & the Unibomber are both examples of giftedness, and quite different from one another. Ability is one thing. Good outlets for your gifts are quite another. And providing healthy outlets for those abilities and appetites can be daunting. It is also very important. I wonder what amazing things these people will do later in life. Some may be very publicly visible. Some may not. The more love they feel, the more positive their impact is likely to be. . . .
And that applies to people in all special interest groups. Feeling loved and supported is critical and transformative. We try to connect with people in different situsations, believing that genuine interest will lead to unity and strength among people . . . please join us in loving and supporting this variety in people. How boring would it be if we were all the same, anyway?!
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