I've been noticing changes in my teenager, and it is "normal stuff" for her age.
Here's the deal. She's rarely been "normal" in most areas, so this is kind of freaking me out!! It's another huge adjustment. All parents have them. I know that. It still caught me off guard.
For the last six or seven years, we've been figuring out the different diagnoses and mind wiring differences for this extraordinary person. One of the things I admire about her is her openness. Those of you who know me personally, I'm open to a fault, and my husband can be, as well. Maybe that shouldn't surprise me that she has been, but I didn't expect a child to be so self-assured. She's just been OK with who she was.
More than that, she has been just fine with other people being just how they are. I had my first fake heart attack with her when a child in a wheelchair was waiting for his sister in M's preschool class as I was waiting beside his mother. He was on the floor, clearly had Spina Bifida, and was a happy child doing tummy time on the floor. When M came out of the classroom, she said "that looks like fun!" and plopped down onto the floor on her belly & acted like an otter. In her mind, they were simply playing together, of course! Luckily, the mother smiled at me with a wide, genuine smile & we became friendly companions in a few environments. I wasn't sure how the mother would react, but am thankful that I did not need to try and coach my child not to see everyone as equal to herself, as I believe society tells us to . . . . all too often . . . .
When we first learned about the giftedness complications, I was worried it would lead to arrogance, as it statistically can pretty often. However, I have never seen that in her. Maybe I am a biased mom, but I honestly believe that she is simply a better person than I am. Being around others with intellectual capacities similar to hers has helped, I am sure. However, the programs she's chosen going forward are not mostly with groups of people like her that way. Perhaps she'll change her mind, but so far, she enjoys being in a more mainstream environment. Now, she hasn't chosen school, so I mean that in a relative sense, but she has chosen the more "normal" parts of her program as the ones she'll plan around.
When she was diagnosed with visual impairments and retained reflexes, we had another shift in perspective to absorb. Again, she jumped in feet first, and seemed mostly relieved. It explained a lot of things that had frustrated her about herself and addressed them, removing and/or reducing those frustrations. We are very blessed to have been able to do a year of therapy for her at a wonderful place with amazing people. That was life-changing. Again, she didn't see herself as different.
In her more mainstream classes, she has friends whose accomplishments in the classroom are not the same as hers. This has never stopped her from interacting with people based on common interests. Over time, it seems that her focus has never been on intellectual capacity, but on how much connection she feels with someone, and that can be based on any number of things. Like Minecraft, lol. . . . She socializes with various types of people as far as neurology and intellect. That seems obvious to me now, but somehow I didn't assume it would be like that. She did, however. See how much better she is than I am as a person?
Now we're entering teenage years, and like most people around that time, she simply wants to fit in, feel connected, and have fun. I do see that as obvious, but it's a new challenge at this stage. Happily, we've been finding successes and she's a happy teen.
Through this, I want to respect her and support her. She's not playing dumb, but she's not as comfortable answering questions that show her atypicalities as much as she used to be. This makes new environments more complicated to navigate.
Typical openers we here all the time:
What grade are you in?
How old are you?
Wait . . . . [does math in head]
Disclaimer - her actual technical grade is the one she'd have if she had been born at 37 weeks of gestation, full term . . . . she's only been accelerated by weeks if you look at it that way . . . . and yet, here it comes right away . . . a flag. a difference. awkwardness.
Physically, she takes after her mother, poor thing. I had a wonderful conversation about this with her cousin, his parents, my daughter & my husband not long ago. This cousin is in college and also runs on the smaller end of the range. He said something like this:
Nephew: "I used to hate it when waiters would assume I was so much younger than I was."
BIL: "Oh, remember the [places hand on son's shoulder] 'How's it going big guy?'" [all over exaggerated friendliness].
Then this from my SIL, who is about my age: "I was on a work trip and wanted to buy a bottle of wine, and they refused my MN driver's license saying it was a fake. . . . I said call the cops!" Yes, the cops came, they intervened & supported her . . . things you never thought you'd deal with . . . . getting carded and refused in your 40s . . . . . ugh! And then hearing how nice it must be to be assumed to be so much younger than you are. I, personally, have had some pleasant & some very unpleasant experiences as well . . . .
Oh, we all laughed, and I think it made my daughter feel good to hear she's not alone. And others have reached out to her to assure her that she is more typical than she might think. I am so grateful to my beloved family members who have stepped in and supported and encouraged her . . . and me. . .
I'm still learning to support my daughter's wishes, whether or not they would be mine, so long as they are healthy. As she's growing up, I adore learning more about her as she explores herself and evolves as a person. I also get scared that I'm going to make too many mistakes or mistakes too big. I will make mistakes. I tell her that all the time. And I finish with "I hope that the fact that I know I'm not perfect and that you can see me trying and changing and working on things will be enough for you to overlook my errors or minimize their impact on you." She smiles and hugs me.
Any experienced with responsible teenagers advice for me? Other funny stories that you think of as you read? I'd love to hear from you.
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