I think most people really want to be kind and helpful when they meet a neuroatypical kid. Many have no idea what to do.
We are afraid of offending the parents or someone else. We are uncomfortable and unused to the patterns of behavior. We want to be kind. We don't know what to do. We are embarrassed. We do nothing, most of the time.
One thing I didn't expect to learn during this educational adventure is relating to other neuroatypical families. People often assume gifted kids are simply very smart. They are very smart. However, it's about how they're wired. They are neuroatypical. They have quirks and different patterns of behavior. They make people uncomfortable just by being themselves, especially when they are young and learning social skills. If you're looking for an example, think of Sheldon, or young Sheldon . . . Some of the things that happen on those shows don't seem so satirical to us.
Earlier this month, we were on a date. So M was at home, being old enough to stay home on her own, which has been SOOOOOO liberating. If yours are younger, it WILL come. It's worth the wait. We decided to go to Red Robin, where my niece has me addicted to campfire sauce. YUM!
It was Mother's Day weekend, I think. A larger, multi-generational group was sitting next to us, and I didn't notice them until my new friend Ava moved on the booth between our tables and sat next to me. I had heard some things that made it clear someone at the table was neuroatypical, but hadn't thought much of it. A decade ago, that would not have been my approach.
We had finished our meal and my husband went to the restroom, so I turned to the girl next to me who was wearing the most adorable leggings - with cat whiskers on the knees. I thought my girl and her friends would love them, so I complimented her leggings. The rest of her group looked apprehensive and uncomfortable. I ignored that. I only saw it because her mother was at the far end of the table and told me where she got the leggings.
Ava slid closer on the bench and introduced herself. I'll admit, I was uncomfortable, but am far more used to these situations than I used to be, so I masked that as best I could. She introduced herself and asked my name. I told her. She asked for my birth date, 1 piece of info at a time. I decided she wasn't an identity thief & told her. Quicker than I could think, she told me exactly how old I am. I let my genuine surprise and admiration show said, "You are SO good at math! Wow!!" She replied simply with her own age.
She was wearing shoes that are exactly like a pair both my daughter and I have (don't judge - I'm tiny & kids tennis shoes are cheaper), so I told her. Her mother's shoulders relaxed a bit at this point. She was watching Epic on a tablet, which is one of my favorite movies. She is a year younger than my daughter, about my size, and a sweet neuroatypical girl who simply wants to be friends.
She asked if I like minions. As a matter of fact, both my ring tone and my text tone are minion noises - more and more similarities! She asked to hear them, so I pulled out my phone, pulled up that screen & handed it to her, at which point she started listening to the minion choices I'd made.
At this point, my husband returned, and it wasn't that long a trip, so you can imagine the whirlwind pace that is Ava. I introduced her to him, and she pointed to me and said, "She's my new friend." My husband is a loving and accepting man, but less used to neuroatypical situations and was less successful at hiding his discomfort. Like I said, not that long ago, I would have been also. He was ready to go. I told him I'd be there in a minute, trying to give him the comfort of leaving right away. He took it.
I told Ava is was lovely meeting her, but we had to go. I slid the long way around the table, as Ava was blocking the closer exit, and walked around to stand beside her mother, who looked like her discomfort was increasing. I touched her shoulder and said, "she's delightful." This mother beamed! We exchanged other pleasantries, and I joined my husband.
This was maybe 5 minutes of my day. It exhausted me, as I'm almost off the charts introverted, lol. I'd do it again, tho. My husband expressed his appreciation for my approach, and we went home.
As I think back on that, I realized that I have a deep love for Ava and neuroatypical kids like her. She is different than my daughter, but having experienced this adventure, I feel like I can relate to those families, as well. I've decided that the best things I can do for all of them is the same thing I would do with any stranger I encounter. I compliment what I genuinely notice and enjoy. I relate to them in whatever way is apparent and obvious. I engage with them, and show interest in them. Sometimes that's the greatest gift we can give.
So, if you're looking for ways to be kind to those you are uncomfortable around, I won't claim to have all the answers. I won't claim that I don't offend some people accidentally. But that day was a success, and I have a new friend named Ava.
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