Intensity - it's a huge part of high-achievers, giftedness, and autism!

I've ntoiced this trend in those we run across.  My pregnancy history has not one "normal" thing about it, so that fits this:
http://healthland.time.com/2012/07/10/what-child-prodigies-and-autistic-people-have-in-common/
Interestingly, I was memorizing full-length songs at age 3 quickly, but didn't become a prodigy or famous.  I cannot say I'm disappointed, at least not at this point in my life.

Intensity.

That word has so much implication in our lives and the lives of others.  When we learned of M's giftedness, the consultant looked at my husband and told him he needed to read this, telling him that he was living with two extreme examples.

Yes, I am the other intense one he lives with.  Have a great weekend, if I don't check back before then.

Extreme example of a twice exceptional child

When I watched this, I teared up right along with him.  When he talks about what's easy for them, I think, "no, we have it easy."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8G4Q3adT3LQ

Overachieving is a myth? Giftedness does not equal overachieving!!

I ran across a great blog post today.  I feel like the false assumption that overachieving and giftedness are more connected is the reason that many of us have had such scarring issues with schools.  The quote that rings through my head is, "but everyone here is gifted."

Honestly, I believe everyone is gifted in some area/way, but that does NOT make all people alike, or need the same things.  My reaction to that quote above was, "Do you understand that there are different levels of giftedness?"  Please understand that we have had some amazing teachers within the schools, but the ones that aren't so wonderful create significant problems.

Some of the innate differences in the neurology of my daughter are what I believe to be the cause of that teacher's approach.  He did not believe she was taking it in.  He cited only her maturity.  Yes, she is less mature than kids 3-4 years older than she is.  However, she was taking in more than the teacher realized.  Weeks later, she is quoting sentences verbatim to me about biology at a level that is difficult for me to fully grasp.  I'm glad we have found better science teachers for her elsewhere.

I think the misunderstanding explored in this blog post is at the heart of the issue, and not just with my family.  She offers a good explanation of it, and straightforward enough for a Monday ;).

http://giftedchallenges.blogspot.com/2013/07/gifted-children-and-overachievement.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+GiftedChallenges+%28Gifted+Challenges%29

Is it an intellectual adventure or an emotional one? Yes.

I'm having one of those days.  I ran across this blog post which widened the cracks and made me cry.  No, that's not a bad thing.

http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/07/18/so-i-just-wanted-to-say-thank-you/?utm_content=bufferc094b&utm_source=buffer&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=Buffer

This week, I had another random encounter where our special situation came up, as it seems to every time I leave the house.  The woman, meaning well and trying to be encouraging, talked about how she had an experience "the other direction" from giftedness.  I assured her it is not the other direction.  Before we knew there was anything aside from giftedness going on, I dealt with all of this emotional mess.  Yes, we are dealing with a twice exceptional child, who has legitimate special needs in the governmental sense, even though we are receiving no financial support for them, and STILL need to fill out all of those irritating forms. . .  However, the giftedness part feels to me very much the same as special needs.  Autism is different from Downs Syndrome is different than vision impairment is different from hearing impairment is different from developmental delays is different from giftedness.  As a parent, I relate closely to those who have "different" kids in whatever way.  It's all special educational needs.  That particular woman hates the labels.  Some days I do, too.  Most days, I'm kindof numb to them.

Here's the thing.  I started this blog to deal with the emotional part of the journey, since most of what was originally presented to me was highly intellectual.  I suppose I should not have been surprised since giftedness tends to draw very scholastic people.  I felt all alone, though.  For me, it was an emotional journey.  As I continue, I have learned that most gifted people feel isolated, just as people with kids who are different in any way feel misunderstood, and they filter their words most places.  It's lonely.  God created us to be in community, so lonely is bad.  It feels bad, too.  I have learned that many gifted people either aren't good at or don't believe themselves to be good at emotions and social interaction.

I continue to put myself out there, and to talk about our labels.  So does my daughter.  Some feel this is inappropriate, however, I do it for reasons of community, support and love.  I am far from perfect, but I am doing my best to be loving and connected with others.

I had a service performed this week, and the professional started asking about homeschooling, saying they were considering it.  This happens to me a lot.  I was tired and sad and didn't intend to reveal much.  I was simply not interested in being vulnerable at that moment.  The man started talking about his daughter.  He told me our story, if we had kept our daughter in school and she were a couple of years older.  I exhaled deeply and started talking to him.  He was anxious for more information.  Both my daughter and I threw out terms, books, web sites, and groups that could be helpful.  I felt more energized as I talked to him, and I will pray that whatever their "right answer" is, they find it.  We will continue to look hard for ours, and I feel like my visual capability for finding that path is severely impaired.  The man seemed touched, and I hope I approached him well.  Like many, I feel like a freak in the social interaction realm.  However, I offer myself, flaws and all.

I have often said that if even one family has less stress in their journey like ours, it will be worth every moment of being THAT woman forever - the wierd one who goes out on a limb and seems crazy.  I often picture a scene from the Sorcerer's Apprentice.  When Dave asks Balthazar if he's crazy, Nicholas Cage (as Balthazar) puts his fingers close together in a response.  Yep, a little bit . . . or maybe a lot.  That's me.

Finally, I love the super powers reference from Steve's blog post.  It reminds me of my fabulous frined, R, who I believe follows this.  I hope she sees this because she is such an inspiration to me in how she is a ferocious lover of kids who are not typical.  Just thinking of her makes me smile with pride.  It's such an honor to call her my friend.  If you have special situations and feel alone, I urge you to find people that "get it" - doing that has changed our lives.  People are out there who will understand and support you.  You will get into uncomfortable situations along the way, but nothing is so worth that risk!  Use your super powers and combine them with others.  Do it today!!!  You are not alone.  You are loveable and you are loved!!!!

Brains are organs, right?

I had an interesting conversation yesterday, while having my hair cut.  We were discussing the changes since the last time I had my hair cut, including her maternity leave.  As we talked about the changes in our lives related to M during that time, she asked if the vision therapy and giftedness go together.  I paused and she quickly said something like, "I do hair, remember, I'm not smart."

I stared, then scolded her, telling her not to diminish herself like that!  I also reminded her that she found something she wanted to do & enjoyed, studied it straight out of high school, and is great at it - that makes her smart in my estimation.  She smiled softly and agreed.

For the record, doing something that makes you look important or smart but doesn't bring you happiness or satisfaction shows a lack of wisdom, in my opinion.  Doing whatever makes you happy and fits you, regardless of whether or not you're capable of "more" (which I think is a flawed term for this topic) shows wisdom of a much greater value!  Quality of life is more important than looking important!

Now, to move on from my rant . . .

I have shared here before that I suspect that people who are not neurotypical in one way are probably more likely to be a-typical in other neurological ways, but in our conversation yesterday it came out differently.  Brains are organs.  Organ development is mostly hereditary.  Therefore, brain function is hereditary.

Maybe that seems overly simplified or overly subtle in its difference to my previous post, but I wanted to share it.  It's logical.  Using my previous example of MS, which is accepted as affected by heredity, brain function should be hereditary, right?

So, there you have it - she works on heads all day & helped me put another angle on my belief that neurology is hereditary.  In addition, I know there are good and poor examples in every profession.  I will try & choose the gifted hair stylist, the gifted mechanic, etc.  Don't we all try to do that most of the time?

Have a great day doing what you enjoy, whatever that may be!

They get lonely & hurt . . . and so do their kids.

My kid is a 2e kid.  It's not obvious, visibly, but it can become obvious pretty quickly after her mouth opens.  A few people have related to my fatigue and disappointment and irritation at almost every situation making our differences obvious.  Most people don't understand it because they haven't experienced it.  As a culture, many shy away from uncomfortable situations, including those where their empathy could cause them discomfort.  I have heard people say that they stay silent for lack of a better idea.  Let me assure you that silence isn't your best idea in many situations.  Go ahead.  Stick your foot in your mouth.  Feel foolish.  We can relate to that better than the experience this mom relates.

http://bloom-parentingkidswithdisabilities.blogspot.ca/2013/06/the-invisible-mom.html?m=1

My situation is not the same as this one.  I was included by some while my daughter was in school, and I worked hard . . . continue to work hard to help her feel more included than I do . . . or ever did, for that matter.  The professionals at the schools she attended were fabulous and did not make it more difficult for us.  They facilitated things.  M received invitations from classmates regularly . . . until we found homeschooling to be our only real option.  Very suddenly, all invitations from anyone connected with her schools stopped.  Every. single. one.  I remember when she asked me why we didn't have plans with ______, related to several different people.  At first, I told her I hadn't hear back yet, which was the literal truth.  Later, I told her I had tried, but it didn't work out.  That's one way to soften, "the parents never returned my calls/e-mails/texts."

For her last birthday party, two children accepted her invitation.  She didn't mind, and we emphasized how we could be more flexible with fewer people to move around, etc.  I cried for her more than one night after she was alseep, but she seemed effectively sheltered from feeling rejected.  One of the attendees was surprised and asked why there weren't more.  The other didn't comment, and I know that child did not have a party that year at all for similar reasons.  I replied to the comment with the simple statement that when she was in school, we invited a lot of the kids in her class, but that we had more choices with fewer people, and that's what we had chosen this year.

Recently, M attended a birthday party that was full of school kids, or at least I assume it was, as the birthday child attends school.  The child being celebrated also is surrounded by neurotypical situations (and I know this child is very intelligent and doing well at school).  M had questions about how to interact with the other kids, knowing noone else there.  We talked about it calmly a few days ahead of time just to give her ideas and choices, and she nervously asked me to remind her of the ideas while we were in the car on our way to the party.  She had a good time.

I make plenty of mistakes in life and look like a fool far more often than I'd like to.  This has had surprising benefits.  In one case, we met a family with 2 kids, and the older is bound to a wheelchair.  There was uncomfortable silence among the adults during introductions, but the younger sister proudly repeated into the following silence, "that's my big sister."  After a conspicuous pause, searching for something to say, I focused on the only person talking, "I know she's your sister.  You two have almost the same color eyes.  Are yours more green and hers more blue?  Did I see that right?  They are beautiful!"  As I said it, I intentionally looked into both of their eyes and smile.  Many shoulders dropped, and although I was sweating through the exchange, it developed into a friendly relationship.  I'm glad I risked putting my foot in my mouth.  Noone needed words about the difference in one child in the group.  I had no expertise or particular skill to get me through this.  I relied simply on desperation, and found something to say . . . anything positive!  It worked.

One more example: When M was in preschool, one of her classmates had a sibling who would grow into a wheelchair.  As we got kids ready to go, the mother would plop the child on the floor & help her other child prepare to depart.  The younger child, unable to crawl, moved like a porpoise or dolphin on the floor.  This wasn't terribly uncomfortable until M giggled one day, flopped down on the floor next to the child in the same movements, and talked loudly about how fun it was and how she loved dolphins.  I looked to the mother, afraid I'd find offense there and have to try and figure out something to say.  She slowly smiled at the two kids on the floor, then gave me a warm look.  Whew!!!!  M was saying nothing negative or inappropriate for her age.  That family also became one that we enjoyed conversation with through preschool.  M has usually been quite drawn to kids with differences, but not in a critical way.  As in that case, she genuinely enjoys the differences and sees the fun in them.  She simply didn't know anyone might be uncomfortable, and didn't think she should be any more careful with this child than any other.

Back to the birthday party pep talk.  M is starting to understand that there are times you need to be careful.  Sadly, she has learned that some people have false assumptions about giftedness.  She asked me why.  I told her that some people think it means that we see ourselves as better than them.  Her eyes got wide as she told me she believes the opposite.  I reminded her that we cannot control other people, but we can control ourselves and our reactions.  I told her that everyone needs attention & needs to feel important.  I don't want her to feel like there's something wrong with her, or that she should be ashamed of who and how she is.  However, I want her to be careful and nice to other people.  It's polite.  It's nice.  I recommended asking questions about the other kids, which shows interest in them.  Ask them how they know the birthday child, or if they are in the same class, or what they like to do outside of school?  Everyone has something they're good at, she reminded me.  I agreed.  I suggested she ask some questions to show interest in whatever they like.  That helps them feel important, too.  She reminded me that everyone is important.  Absolutely!

Here's my suggestion to everyone.  Show interest in people.  Even if you never see them again, you can make their day.  Be willing to be underwhelming.  If you like the color of someone's shirt, that's good enough.  It might make their day.  If you are uncomfortable with people who are visibly different than others, practice on other people first.  You don't need to make a lifelong friend to give a compliment to the person behind you in the line at the cash register.  Many people in our culture are lonely, or worse yet, feel invisible like the mom in the blog post I included here.  I have been impacted for years by simple statements from strangers.  I have been told that simple statements I made and forgot were earth-shattering to the receiver.  Be open to trying.  You might be pleasantly surprised.  Better yet, you could pleasantly surprise someone like the mom worried about tearing up while waiting at pick-up (whom I have been, as well).

I hope you had a great Independence Day weekend, and I hope you believe that you have the power to make a positive difference in another life today, and every day.  Embrace your power.

The disconnect between the exceptionally gifted and the public school system

I want to start this post by acknowleding that I want school to work for every child who wants to attend.  This will be a very lengthy post, as I'm including a copy of a lengthy letter I recently e-mailed.

We homeschool, but this was not our intention and I don't believe that it's the right choice for every child or family.  We all know the stereotypes about homeschoolers' superiority complexes and other similar assumptions.  I am not that person.  In fact, if school works for your family and your student, I urge you to attend!  For us, it did not work, even at a fabulous school and with amazing staff members.

I have repeatedly assured all readers that I have a profound appreciation of teachers and the staff within the schools.  It's no secret that I'm not a fan of the current public school structure, but it doesn't diminish my appreciation for the amazing individuals that maximize the good for so many kids.

Since we have entered the sphere of highly gifted families, I have heard virtually all of them relate wounds they have received from one or more school where they tried to adapt and embrace the school.  Consistently, I have been amazed by this.  The staff at M's past school seemed almost as concerned about her as we were and most of them were incredibly supportive of our decisions.  Some sent personal notes of encouragement & wept with me.

M was in a gifted summer program that was designed by and run through a public school program of sorts.  I viewed it no differently than summer camps, and went with our usual approach, the one encouraged by other families in our coop - put her in the low end of the range of grades or ages, and hope for the best.  I did.  The classes excited her, and it went better than we expected the first week. . .  or so we thought until we were at the celebratory open house at the end of the week.  I found myself facing a (literally) small man who gave me the gift of empathy toward those families who have been wounded by school officials.

The experience makes me fear that at least some in the schools are more interested in kids being still and quiet than in their academics. . .  or at least that conformity trumps intellectual ability.  I never thought my rule-kid would effectively be sent away from a program for behavioral reasons.  That is how the teacher tried to present things.  Here is the letter I sent to the director of the program following that encounter.  I'm going to edit for some semblance of anonymity.

Dear Ms *****,

I'm following up on the voicemail I left you late today.

Today, my husband and I attended the Open House for the ***** class.  We were escorted back with other parents about 3:00.  A few minutes after entering the classroom, Mr ***** asked me to talk with him while my husband was with M.

He expressed his concerned about how she had struggled through the week.  This surprised me, as my daughter usually tells me about struggles she's having before an instructor notes them, and she had not relayed anything I thought was significant during the week.  Mr ***** had many things to say, but his overall message was that she is too young and immature for the class, and that he was increasingly uncomfortable about the ***** class the week of *****.  He repeatedly said that he had talked to you about # and up being the age range, and that most kids going into #th grade are already #.  I started to tell him that M is less than # weeks too young by state standards to be in #th grade this Fall [the director had urged me to do my best in enrolling her at her academic level, rather than her age], but he cut me off with more concerns.  The registration forms for the summer school program never even asked for her age, only her grade, so I'm confused about all of the age references.  Perhaps this is something you and Mr ***** need to clarify between you.

Our daughter is small for her age, and my husband had noted Mr *****'s pointed comment about the #th grade class when he walked her back the first day, but Mr ***** didn't mention it to myself or my husband until this afternoon more directly.  I'm disappointed that we were not included sooner, when adjustments could have been made.  I'm also disappointed that he approached us the way he did.  He was more cautious with his words to my husband, who asked him some questions after I took over with our daughter.  My husband has a significant stature and tends to get more serious consideration and respect than me, his small wife who is mistaken for a much younger person.  That doesn't endear me to the teacher any more, as you may guess.

Here are some of the things that were said to us by Mr ***** in my closest recollection, and I often have near perfect recall.  He repeatedly cut me off, personally, so he probably heard very little of my response to it, nor did he seem interested in it.  He chose to pass me off to *****, who was a much better person to interact with, anyway.  My responses to Mr. *****'s concerns are below:

"She doesn't fit in."

What do I even say to that?  Unprofessional and inappropriate come to mind.  My daughter doesn't fit in most of the time & most places.  That's a very common state of being for highly gifted individuals.

"She had trouble with a cover sheet we did on the computer.  I basicly did her cover sheet for her."

There was no mention of computer involvement in the class description.  She does not use the computer often and is unfamiliar with most programs, but I had no reason to believe this would present a problem in the class.

"She kept saying she was done with things and asking when we were going to eat."

I find it hard to believe that this something a teacher of his reported (repeatedly to us) experience hasn't experienced.

"She should be with kids of her own maturity level.  There are some #[younger] year-old classes where she would do better."

I find it extremely arrogant that a man who has spent one week teaching my daughter would think he knows what would work best for her.  I have spent the last year and a half homeschooling her following consultation with Dr Deborah Ruf, among others.  Also, in a gifted educational program, I am astonished that this would be recommended.  Many studies agree that the only age group that highly gifted children don't relate to better than their peers do, are their peers.  In most cases, they relate best to people older than themselves.

"She doesn't have the stamina to last an entire day."

She went through several weeks at ***** museum camps, which were all day without an issue of stamina ever coming up.  Also, ***** museum has an age waiver for her to be in the #[3 years older]+ class because she gets bored in their classes at her age level.  Her ***** teacher from last Fall considers her to be perfectly equal to ths class [this was the same subject and this same teacher with a Master's Degree in Education wrote the required reference letter that was part of our application to the program], and M has completed ***** [a more advanced class on the same subject].  I am bewildered that Mr ***** would think she isn't up to the task.  He is in the minority in that opinion.

"Her immature behavior made me and the other students uncomfortable" 

This was to my husband, whose never-a-poker-face expression silenced Mr ***** on the subject.  I recollected the several students who I witnessed going out of their way to say goodbye to her by name at pick-up, and find it strange that they would single her out to say goodbye if uncomfortable around her.  I also find this unprofessional of him and irrelevent to the class in question.

He said much more, and I shall try to forget most of it.  The bottom line is that she is not welcome in his class, and after what we heard today, we would prefer he not have influence on her for future classes, anyway.  We would like a full refund for the ***** class [which had not yet occurred, but had the same teacher assigned].

While I understand that this is a gifted program, I don't think that Mr ***** is aware of the different levels of giftedness.  It felt like he wanted cookie cutter kids.  Many of his complaints were related to classroom familiarity, which our daughter hasn't had as much for [more than a year], although she has consistently been in classes at ***** museum, coop, and several other places.  While I understand that this can complicated a classroom environment, I don't believe it should be such a huge issue for only 2 weeks of class - 10 days.  She's not disrespectful.  She's very concerned about following rules - stops at each new place and reads through the posted rules before interacting with the new environment.  She has indiosynchrosies, but is extremely compliant.

Here's the other thing.  Most of the behaviors he indicated as proving she is too young for the class are common in [the vast majority of kids in our] Homeschool coop, and most of those students are older than M.  One of my closest friends has a neurotypical son who is #[years older] and displays the same behaviors more severely. . .  

I have met mostly fabulous professionals within the schools.  The school system does not work for our daughter, as indicated by past trials and in the opinion of Deborah Ruf (I assumed you knew her, and *** did, but just in case - she's a local educational psychologist & author specializing in giftedness - nationally known . . .).  Dr Ruf explained our situation to us by indicating that in M's school district at the time (*****) there were statistically # kids like her in the entire district in her grade, so most likely not in the same school (since there are # gradeschools) or class.  We were fortunate to encounter almost unanymous support as we tried to work with our school, and I have yet to meet another family in a similar situation that can say that.  In the end, it didn't work.

***** [another teacher at the summer program] met M in a class in ***** (and remembered her face upon seeing it this week), and emphasized how much she'd be great in this program, so we decided to give it a try.  ***** was such a fabulous and enthusiastic teacher of **** kids & excited by their indiosynchrosies & intensities, which bodes well.  Only one other family we've met had tried **** and they had a bad experience, but we thought it was probably that they weren't able to actually sign up at their functional grade level [it's complicated].  You allowed me to sign her up (with appropriate proof of her capacity) where it looked like the best fit, for which I was grateful & without which we would not have signed up.  With her aged only a few weeks younger than the low end of the age range, I felt it was a good possibility.  I am convinced that with a different teacher this would have been a successful adventure.  However, it ended up being quite upsetting for both myself and my husband.  M is disappointed that she will not be attending *****.  We told her that we didn't think this teacher was a good fit for her and so we were cancelling it.  We chose not to tell her about Mr *****'s role and comments for obvious reasons.

As someone who is a passionate proponent of highly gifted education and individuals, I want all programs associated with giftedness to be successful for the good of all the individuals involved as well as their spehere of influence through their lives - it's so important . . .  However, I think a good understanding of which of those programs work together is necessary to minimize further pain to families affected by this.  Yes, our special population encounters a great deal of pain.  Our experience with Mr. ***** tody is quite similar to what most of the families in our coop have experienced with schools of all varieties - some of them in several different attempted schools.  Some of the families drive ***** each way to be a part of the coop - there just isn't a lot out there for these kids.  Mr ***** is right in saying that her maturity level is low.  However, her intellectual level is ridiculously high.  That makes things difficult from multiple angles.  We would have been fine if he had stuck to saying that it wasn't a good fit for *****, if it had come earlier in the week and we had the chance to see if we could all work together to improve the situation.  The timing of the information and the additional steps he took were highly offensive.  I would urge teachers not to assume they know what's best for a child better than the parents without a great deal of information, which he did not have and could not have had after only one week with M.  I was a teacher for # years, and learned that parents almost always know best.

There are gifted students in the schools.  There are also many levels of giftedness and some of them do not tolerate the current school structure in this country.  In a gifted program, I assumed the teachers would understand more than Mr ***** seemed to.  I really wanted this to work, but maybe Mr ***** is right and she just doesn't fit in.  Perhaps she's too highly gifted, along with all of the challenges that includes.  It's not better, and it's certainly not easier.  Even within gifted programs, we have these struggles.  I never wanted that for her.  I never wanted her to be anything but normal and happy.  She is not normal.  However, I intend to keep her as happy as possible.

I'm a babbler, obviously (in case you had forgotten from our couple of phone conversations).  This is a subject that has been a huge one in our lives for a while now, so that exacerbates my babbling.  Please let us know when/how we will received the requested full refund.  Of course, I'd be happy to interact with you further on how this might become a more successful option for children like our daughter and those within our coop.

Regards,

Jen

I want to give full credit where it's due.  A man involved in the program attempted to find another class for M.  He was open to talking to me about how we approach things, asking questions, and recommending certain teachers over others, having spoken with M on several occasions throughout the week.  He did his best to intervene and help both my husband and myself separately.  My husband used language I almost never hear from him, but only directed at the teacher, and only when I was the only one to hear it.  The message he received (not in so many words) was "your daughter isn't worth it."  Daddy was mad!  What he said to the helpful gentleman was that we have a big difference of opinion about our daughter and how she should be treated and approached than that teacher.

The director called me very quickly.  She apologized for things going so poorly, and regretted that she didn't know M's interests to be able to suggest other classes.  She immediately agreed to the refund, and asked us to give it another try in the future.  She also talked about how she needs to do more in educating  the teachers about how these kids are in different places/levels in different parts of their lives and minds.  She asked a lot of questions about how we educate, how M is different than a typical school-child, and really wanted information.  I felt that she cared not only about the program working to serve all of the special population she wants to reach, but also that she empathized and wants things to go well for our family.  She could not have handled it better.

The teacher talked with the director about the situation during the week, and she reported that he seemed very focused on age.  Like us, she asked him how the academic part was going.  He had no viable complaints about that, only some vague, weak comments.  She was professional, but I got the impression that she shares our opinion about the teacher's inflexibility for the most part. I want the program to work for others, and I felt strongly that this teacher would not help that goal.  I hope our communication avoids pain for other families and staff going forward.

Wishing you and your family nothing but joy and fulfillment in your summer plans!