It's been rough for quite a while around here, and I am proud of us for doing as well as we have through an awful number of difficulties. We have an amazing network of caring friends who are the reason I am not in an institution. I feel like I'm finally coming out of a fog.
I have intentionally kept this blog vague, and avoided being obviously linked to it. I think it's time I forget about that. One of the lessons for me in the last few months is that being myself actually is OK. No, it's much better than that. It's invigorating, liberating, courageous, refreshing, frightening, vulnerable, and much more. My biggest lesson learned over the last few months is that people are more loving than I assume, more supportive than I expect, and being vulnerable with some people can be safe.
Pretty intense for the first post since January, I realize. Sorry. Kinda. No, not really. I am a scarily intense person. If you don't like it, you won't like me, and that's OK. For the first time in my life I am feeling secure in my own skin. For today. It will likely change soon, so don't hold me to it!
Morgan is actually awaiting me in heaven. I used her name instead of my living daughter's, after being hurt deeply by a family we had trusted completely and been wounded by. My daughter & husband were as hurt as I was. I was afraid others would do the same, so I used Morgan's name. The internet is not secure enough that I want to reveal my living daughter's name outright, but I will be honest here and today.
Recently, we did our annual testing, which is a homsechooling requirement in Minnesota. I finally switched to the Peabody test, which tells me the average grade level M is performing in each subject. We are almost done with vision therapy, and after two and a half years of homeschooling, I was really looking forward to some guidance about how to plan for our upcoming year, as well as honest insight into how she is progressing.
M has some test anxiety, so she was asking lots of questions. We tried to explain, but probably didn't do a great job, since it was also our first time using this particular test. She was scared of failing, which is something that we have never been concerned about, so we're not sure where it originates. I said, "PLEASE don't get the top score in any are of the test. I can't handle that yet! Seriously, you have a lot of time to get through high school!" We all laughed and slept peacefully the night before the test.
I texted the results to my husband (who was anxious, as well). "Congratulations! You have a seventh grader." She is 9. We are so proud of her, and yet it's pretty terrifying. My husband told her he was proud and told her to pick dinner - in or out, and anywhere or anything she wanted. Perkins, of course!
I listened to most of the testing from the adjoining room. This sums up my experience:
Tester: Next we're going to do some spelling.
M: What's Spelling?
me: Palm- forehead, followed by an apparent blackout, because I am certain the tester responded, but I cannot recall anything that was said for a while . . .
Test results: M maxed out the Peabody in spelling. This means she spells as well as the average high school grad. Without knowing what spelling is.
Overall, she did not graduate yet, LOL! And thank God for that! However, we all laughed heartily about spelling. I guess I should let go of the guilt I had been carrying for ignoring spelling (and some other things) while we tackled vision therapy this year. It has been a family effort, involving almost daily practice with at home, as well as weekly appointments for a year. Let's face it, she's ahead of grade level in everything. Why should anyone care that we haven't actively worked on every subject? Does it matter that she knew what spelling was if she could spell at an adult level? I think not.
There have been a lot of family changes in the last year or so. In early March, a new niece was born. About 24 hours ago, I found out what her name is.
When I told M she had a new cousin, she did not ask when we would see her. She knew we would not. At least not now. She asked what her name was, and I had to tell her that I didn't know. She asked if we would send a gift, and I told her "of course." She picked a gift. We mailed it addressed to the family. We received a thank you note. We still were not told her name in that note, nor did we receive a birth announcement from family that lives about 15 minutes away.
Yes, this is sad, but knowing her name brings me some peace. That gives you enough of an idea about how our life has been challenging, I think.
I felt like a bum mother. I apologized to M again, telling her that I wish I had a more loving, healthy, supportive extended family to give to her. I simply don't have it. She said, "Mom! Family is just a group of people that care about each other and take care of each other. We have that!"
Yes. She's right, of course. And I have been experiencing that over and over in a variety of ways, including a couple of homeschool coops. Today, I watched a newer homeschooler talk about how cool and different it was in our coop than in the "real world" and realized how right she was.
Backing out of an evening of childcare was part of my day, and I felt bad about it, even though there was some notice and it was the right decision. I expected disappointment from the mother accompanied by averted eyes & attention from her lunchtime playground companions.
I got none of that.
The mother told me that she had expected it, and that it was fine. She knows I am very introverted, and she offered to give me some solitude during a time when my husband will be out of town. All this in one breath. What a loving and unexpected (by me) response! Her companions affirmed my self-awareness, as they are also both quite introverted, and talked about how important it is that M is learning about those boundaries at an early age. It was so . . . peaceful. Encouraging. Loving. Accepting.
I was blown away by the peacefulness and support of the encounter.
As I told my husband about it, I said, "Who does that? What is that? It's so cool!" He smiled sadly at me in a not-at-all-funny way and said without a pause, "that's family."
Yes! Ouch! Wow. I really don't get that. I'm so glad to have it. I have a lot to learn!
M is SOOOOOOO right. Family is a group of people working together to improve the lives and experiences of all. We have that. Thank you, Lord!
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