I've noticed a trend that doesn't get a lot of press. In fact, it gets even less discussion than gifted kids and their educational needs. That is the topic of gifted adults.
People who have read through this blog may have seen my mention of how I accredited M's intelligence to her father, only to hear that it's hereditary and people stastically marry within 5 IQ points of their own. Sure, I was in advanced classes in school, but never considered myself to be outside of the normal spectrum.
Here's the problem with that. As I learn more about my daughter, I learn more about myself. For instance, having to repeat myself makes me unreasonably angry more quickly than it does other people. This fits within giftedness. It's the same as a child's inability to tolerate the number of repetitions in the public school.
Most adults who are gifted, simply think they are strange, or a nerd, or different, or socially awkward . . . pick a reason, and someone has boiled it down to that, I'm sure. This stops people from understanding themselves fully or being comfortable with themselves or finding others who accept them as they are. This is something I have mentioned about children, but it applies to adults, as well.
One gifted woman I felt drawn to over the last few years is R. She is married to an obviously brilliant man. She has a son who is obviously highly gifted. She knows my daughter and did not believe me when I first told her my observations, aside from those related to her husband.
After a while, she experiences some of the terrors (AKA gifts) of mothering a gifted child and started to acknowledge that aspect of her child. She still refused to believe that she is gifted. I refused to let her lack of agreement change my opinion ;)
After more months passed, she ran across some reading about people who are highly gifted and have the other label that R does. She acknowledged that her earlier reading about the other label has only ever fit partially. She didn't see the descriptions of highly gifted individuals as a good fit either. However, when she read about people with both, it fits her perfectly.
Through this, she is better able to understand her methods of interacting with those around her, including her gifted child. It gives her resources and explanation of some of the quirks that are part of her world. It gives her more of a framework for understanding herself. It's freeing.
Another example I ran across is actually the vision therapy doctor that my daughter sees. This woman is so obviously gifted that when we were having a conversation, I honestly thought she was kidding when she said she didn't think she was gifted. I scoffed, thinking we were bantering and assured her she was. I honestly forgot about it.
A couple of weeks later, she timidly asked me into her office, referring to something I had said. I got a bit nervous, hoping I hadn't offended her unintentionally, and I was a bit bewildered. Once inside her office, she lowered her voice and thanked me for telling her that she is gifted. She had already read a few books and said she learned that I was right. Duh! Seriously, that might have come out of my mouth, but I'm not sure. The reason she asked me into her office was to thank me and ask for more information to digest and learn about this aspect of herself. She also told me that she now understands why she interacts with her husband the way that she does. It's amazing how much of our lives this wiring difference affects!
I also think these two women are great examples of how highly gifted people are not people who think they are better than anyone else. Neither of them assumed they were gifted. They both felt different, but in ways that made them self-conscious to one degree or another. The difference is how they are wired, and how their brains process things. They did not grow up hearing they were gifted. Theyt did not believe they were better than anyone else. They are simply different and never knew how to describe it before. Now that they understand it, they are ravenous for information about it.
I am lucky to have found so many people who tolerate or even celebrate the ways that I and my family are quirky and different. Understanding and connection are key ingredients to a happy, fulfilled life!
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Thursday, September 19, 2013
So how is your school year going? Please don't ask.
I've been getting this question a lot. Kids get it a lot when they are in school. Teachers, too. As a homeschooler, we qualify for that special group. We get the question. I dread the question.
My daughter is always listening when I am asked, and that is why I dread it. I want to remain positive. I want to be the good mom. If I'm honest, I also want to be the supermom who can do it all and do it all well. However, that is not my reality. I don't think it has ever been my reality and it probably never will be. I humor myself by supposing that those who look like supermom are just pretending.
Here's the answer. This year has been hard. It has been very hard. There have more days this year that I have irrationally invented a world where school works well for my child and started considering our options in this fantasy world, where the sky just happens to be purple.
I have also been battling retail therapy. Most of my friends will vouch for me as a cheap person. I really am. However, retail therapy has been calling me, and it has a melodious voice and looks like clothes that will be soft and make me look my best, all while distracting me from the fact that M is laying on the ground staring into the hamster cage despite the fact that it is late Thursday and she has read 20 pages of her assignment with 100 left to go. I will not yell . . . well, not again. OK, so not again today, at least.
All of this makes me feel imprisoned sometimes, which is another irrational adventure in my world. We have classes and coop and lessons. I have friends who meet me for coffee or come over and talk about menu planning, etc. However, when I feel like nagging is the price I have to pay for progress, I feel as if I cannot do my own thing. At all. Ever. It is irrational, but still aggravating.
Honestly, I asked my husband to work from home tomorrow so he can be the nag while I fulfill some retail therapy and go shopping. I wish I were kidding. Is there a way to make this seem productive, supermoms?
I hope you are having a great start to the school year, and that your children are more motivated than mine at the present.
My daughter is always listening when I am asked, and that is why I dread it. I want to remain positive. I want to be the good mom. If I'm honest, I also want to be the supermom who can do it all and do it all well. However, that is not my reality. I don't think it has ever been my reality and it probably never will be. I humor myself by supposing that those who look like supermom are just pretending.
Here's the answer. This year has been hard. It has been very hard. There have more days this year that I have irrationally invented a world where school works well for my child and started considering our options in this fantasy world, where the sky just happens to be purple.
I have also been battling retail therapy. Most of my friends will vouch for me as a cheap person. I really am. However, retail therapy has been calling me, and it has a melodious voice and looks like clothes that will be soft and make me look my best, all while distracting me from the fact that M is laying on the ground staring into the hamster cage despite the fact that it is late Thursday and she has read 20 pages of her assignment with 100 left to go. I will not yell . . . well, not again. OK, so not again today, at least.
All of this makes me feel imprisoned sometimes, which is another irrational adventure in my world. We have classes and coop and lessons. I have friends who meet me for coffee or come over and talk about menu planning, etc. However, when I feel like nagging is the price I have to pay for progress, I feel as if I cannot do my own thing. At all. Ever. It is irrational, but still aggravating.
Honestly, I asked my husband to work from home tomorrow so he can be the nag while I fulfill some retail therapy and go shopping. I wish I were kidding. Is there a way to make this seem productive, supermoms?
I hope you are having a great start to the school year, and that your children are more motivated than mine at the present.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Awkward encounters of the innumerable kind
Recently, we joined another homeschool group. This one is not specifically aimed at gifted kids, which means it has a more awkward beginning.
I'm picturing sneers and judgemental parents with expressions that say, "You think your kid is better than my kid?!"
NO!!!!!! A million times. no.
That is why it is awkward. That is why we filter - see the post about filtering and gambling for more on that. Actually, that topic shows up all over the place on this blog, so close your eyes and pick.
In a recent conversation with a teacher who has taught within the gifted circles and was also teaching in the general homeschool circles, I was reminded that there is a grain of truth in every stereotype. This particular teacher was guarded with me at first, but entered into a productive conversation about how there are examples where it is clear that some parents within gifted circles have big heads. I reminded this teacher of the obvious truth that there are people outside of gifted circles with big heads, also.
He said it was refreshing when someone was gifted and humble at the same time. He seemed intentionally vague about whether or not he meant me, but I don't care. I pointed to my child nearby and told him that she was that refreshing example, and I didn't want that to change. I told him those were my absolute favorite kind of people, and his expression softened.
I would like to suggest that meeting these people happens far more often than people think. Joining this new group gave me another poignant example, and it happened while I met another parent of a gifted child. Isn't it interesting that three mothers of gifted children were all talking and not one of them was pompous or even quick to talk about their unusual circumstances? Zero for three.
This is how it evolved.
I walked in and saw a girl from a coop we are both in. She started chatting with another girl, and it was obvious to all that these girls are going to have a lot of fun together, even though they had just met.
I was gathering information at a table when the mother of the second girl introduced herself to me. This mother, like most homeschool parents I have met, was anxious for information and excited about resources available in this adventure. As we talked, the uniqueness of our children came up. I was intentionally evasive, wanting to be known for who we are and not our labels. The other mother respected that.
As we talked, it became clear that this new mom was motivated to find more resources, such as another coop. The mother I already knew joined the conversation, and it was clear that we all were going through a similar journey.
I changed my mind and told her exactly what our special concerns are, and what our other coop is all about. I thought she was going to jump out of her skin with excitement. She had been looking for something like that for her daughter, as gifted kids have a very complex social journey. Her excitement at meeting 2 families in this place who share so many similarities was palpable.
Humble gifted people want to be included outside gifted circles, and are hesitant to point out differences. They have past experience of being judged based on stigmas about giftedness. This new mother had experienced the same things and had been hesitant to share her information to me, as well. She had the same reasons. She simply wasn't connected with the same resources and support network . . . not yet. Today, she is.
In this case, those who are very loudly trying to perpetuate awareness and understanding for giftedness have had the opposite effect. It is very difficult to locate other gifted families in the general population unless you have a lot of information. We tend to not talk about it. We are isolated by the stigmas. Our children are isolated by the stigmas. See the post They get Lonely and Hurt and So Do Their Kids for more on that.
Very small can be a description of my character at times. I'm not proud of that, but it's true. I get very jealous of parents who can test the waters of a potential playdate friend by talking openly about interests and quirks, such as loving dance, being gaga over a particular band, or wearing only one color. My daughter's intensities are not about a typical hobby or activity, and she does not have a favorite color. The things that make her uniquely her are things that often get us both judged unfairly. For more on my struggles with envy, see the post on Envy and Snobbery.
It IS unfair, as my daughter feels that she is no better than anyone. I told her that unfortunately, people sometimes assume that's what we think when we talk about giftedness. She said, "I don't feel that way at all! In fact, I feel the opposite!" I had to stop her there and tell her I didn't want her to feel the opposite. She wasn't less important than anyone else, either. "God loves everyone the same. Everyone is equally important," she said. I agreed. This is not a mantra she got from me. It is her belief and her own mantra.
Today, I'm feeling blessed as I reflect on meeting our new friends. I am thankful that we were able to talk about the similarities in our families, and I hope we can all enhance the support each family and individual feels through the connections. It also makes me laugh when I remember how awkward it all was.
Here's hoping your day and life is full of individuals that make you feel comfortable being your true self, support you, and share the adventures life bring to all of you. Life is richer connected.
I'm picturing sneers and judgemental parents with expressions that say, "You think your kid is better than my kid?!"
NO!!!!!! A million times. no.
That is why it is awkward. That is why we filter - see the post about filtering and gambling for more on that. Actually, that topic shows up all over the place on this blog, so close your eyes and pick.
In a recent conversation with a teacher who has taught within the gifted circles and was also teaching in the general homeschool circles, I was reminded that there is a grain of truth in every stereotype. This particular teacher was guarded with me at first, but entered into a productive conversation about how there are examples where it is clear that some parents within gifted circles have big heads. I reminded this teacher of the obvious truth that there are people outside of gifted circles with big heads, also.
He said it was refreshing when someone was gifted and humble at the same time. He seemed intentionally vague about whether or not he meant me, but I don't care. I pointed to my child nearby and told him that she was that refreshing example, and I didn't want that to change. I told him those were my absolute favorite kind of people, and his expression softened.
I would like to suggest that meeting these people happens far more often than people think. Joining this new group gave me another poignant example, and it happened while I met another parent of a gifted child. Isn't it interesting that three mothers of gifted children were all talking and not one of them was pompous or even quick to talk about their unusual circumstances? Zero for three.
This is how it evolved.
I walked in and saw a girl from a coop we are both in. She started chatting with another girl, and it was obvious to all that these girls are going to have a lot of fun together, even though they had just met.
I was gathering information at a table when the mother of the second girl introduced herself to me. This mother, like most homeschool parents I have met, was anxious for information and excited about resources available in this adventure. As we talked, the uniqueness of our children came up. I was intentionally evasive, wanting to be known for who we are and not our labels. The other mother respected that.
As we talked, it became clear that this new mom was motivated to find more resources, such as another coop. The mother I already knew joined the conversation, and it was clear that we all were going through a similar journey.
I changed my mind and told her exactly what our special concerns are, and what our other coop is all about. I thought she was going to jump out of her skin with excitement. She had been looking for something like that for her daughter, as gifted kids have a very complex social journey. Her excitement at meeting 2 families in this place who share so many similarities was palpable.
Humble gifted people want to be included outside gifted circles, and are hesitant to point out differences. They have past experience of being judged based on stigmas about giftedness. This new mother had experienced the same things and had been hesitant to share her information to me, as well. She had the same reasons. She simply wasn't connected with the same resources and support network . . . not yet. Today, she is.
In this case, those who are very loudly trying to perpetuate awareness and understanding for giftedness have had the opposite effect. It is very difficult to locate other gifted families in the general population unless you have a lot of information. We tend to not talk about it. We are isolated by the stigmas. Our children are isolated by the stigmas. See the post They get Lonely and Hurt and So Do Their Kids for more on that.
Very small can be a description of my character at times. I'm not proud of that, but it's true. I get very jealous of parents who can test the waters of a potential playdate friend by talking openly about interests and quirks, such as loving dance, being gaga over a particular band, or wearing only one color. My daughter's intensities are not about a typical hobby or activity, and she does not have a favorite color. The things that make her uniquely her are things that often get us both judged unfairly. For more on my struggles with envy, see the post on Envy and Snobbery.
It IS unfair, as my daughter feels that she is no better than anyone. I told her that unfortunately, people sometimes assume that's what we think when we talk about giftedness. She said, "I don't feel that way at all! In fact, I feel the opposite!" I had to stop her there and tell her I didn't want her to feel the opposite. She wasn't less important than anyone else, either. "God loves everyone the same. Everyone is equally important," she said. I agreed. This is not a mantra she got from me. It is her belief and her own mantra.
Today, I'm feeling blessed as I reflect on meeting our new friends. I am thankful that we were able to talk about the similarities in our families, and I hope we can all enhance the support each family and individual feels through the connections. It also makes me laugh when I remember how awkward it all was.
Here's hoping your day and life is full of individuals that make you feel comfortable being your true self, support you, and share the adventures life bring to all of you. Life is richer connected.
Monday, September 2, 2013
What to do and why to do it when it's hard
I haven't posted much for the past couple of weeks. I have been grumpy. It has been really hard. Today, someone posted this link on fb suggesting it for everyone going through something hard. I'm guessing that's pretty much everyone. It's quick, so check it out if you're intrigued.
http://awakemysoulblog.com/2013/09/02/maybe-we-can/#comment-1870
As I read that, I remembered a couple of people I used to see regularly when walking or biking the beautiful paths around our home. We would walk it really slowly when I was pregnant, and I had very difficult pregnancies. It was a way my husband would show me support through those hard times.
When M was small, I would walk it with her in the stroller. On the hard days, I would sometimes cry (yes, in public) as I walked. It's not heavily populated on those trails, especially at the times I walk them. Some people were concerned about me. A few would ask if I was OK. Most ignored it, looking uncomfortable.
The two people I saw most often when I was on these walks never saw me cry. They inspired me the same way the man in the blog inspires the writer above. One of them called himself "sticks" due to his two metal sticks with braces that enabled him to walk by carrying most of his weight with his arms. The other was nicknamed "curly" - Sticks told me this nickname, and I never asked why or saw any hair, as he was always in a hat. However, he rode a motorized scooter and had oxygen with him and on him at all times. I haven't seen either of them in years. I can only assume that they moved somewhere else or have passed on, as they were both at an advanced age.
They were both cheerful and friendly. Always. They were probably the most caring people I encountered on those walks and bike rides. Today, I find it awe-inspiring that the people who had the most obvious physical struggles were consistently friendly and present to the community. Those of us who were grumpy and wrapped up in our own problems really could and SHOULD learn from them.
Today is about the second day in a few weeks that this reluctant homeschooler has had hope and felt successful in my current adventure. It is my marathon. It is an emotional, intellectual, logistical and psychological marathon. I have chronic health issues that are my physical marathon, as well.
Yet, as the author of that blog, as well as Steve Wiens (The Actual Pastor is his blog, and I have cited is, as does the blog author cited in this post) have realized that others have their own challenges to deal with and are doing something wonderful and tangible to raise awareness and funds for the cause. I would encourage you to check out both & consider supporting their efforts financially, at least. In our country, the financial support tends to be the easier part.
Maybe I can. This is a statement that has been used to help people consider how they can make a difference, and it's spreading. As soon as I read it, I got scared. Does that ever happen to you? I was scared not because anyone was directly pressuring me, but because I knew it would change me and challenge me for an undefined amount of time, and I knew that those things would probably not be a day at a spa, or eating more ice cream.
I'm looking for inspiration from others. I will not be doing a lot of running, but am incredibly proud of Steve for running the Grand Canyon this month for such a wonderful cause - search Rim to Rim and Steve Wiens for more info on that. You can also look for tweets on lunacy if that fits you better.
Cancer haunts me, so I am not chemically treating my hair and growing it out to donate a ponytail for cancer wigs. That is my wimpy way of doing something tangible, but it will be a small, daily struggle for me. I was inspired by a friend who never gets a haircut except to donate a ponytail for a cancer wig. I am committing to do it once. Anyone want to do this with me and symbolically donate a full wig? The number of ponytails required is stated as a different number in different places. The more ponytails, the more wigs is a fact.
I am considering some other, crazier tangible adventures in an effort to love others. Love is a verb. It requires doing. I'm not ready to commit to them by elaborating here. Not yet.
If you've followed this blog, you know about our unusual parenting situation and some of the things that are included in that. Along those lines, I have found a number of ways to try and reach out and support others who are in parallel adventures. Why do we do this? Our family does because it is the best solution for M. I know many other families who do something similar for the same reason. I am actively looking for ways to make it less of a marathon for my entire family, as well as other families who might benefit and keep their natural hair color longer.
What are your struggles? What potential action makes you a bit nauseated to consider? Maybe you can. Believe it or not, I actually studied marketing at a respected business university. I know it's hard to believe after that sales pitch!
If you have ideas, I'd love to hear them. I promise to pray for you and your adventure if you share it with me. I know at least one other person who reads this will do the same. You just might inspire someone else.
Update/Post Script:
Rim To Rim raised enough funds to save 57 "women" (teenagers seems a more appropriate term to me) from sex trafficking. Way to go, Steve! Way to go everyone involved!
http://awakemysoulblog.com/2013/09/02/maybe-we-can/#comment-1870
As I read that, I remembered a couple of people I used to see regularly when walking or biking the beautiful paths around our home. We would walk it really slowly when I was pregnant, and I had very difficult pregnancies. It was a way my husband would show me support through those hard times.
When M was small, I would walk it with her in the stroller. On the hard days, I would sometimes cry (yes, in public) as I walked. It's not heavily populated on those trails, especially at the times I walk them. Some people were concerned about me. A few would ask if I was OK. Most ignored it, looking uncomfortable.
The two people I saw most often when I was on these walks never saw me cry. They inspired me the same way the man in the blog inspires the writer above. One of them called himself "sticks" due to his two metal sticks with braces that enabled him to walk by carrying most of his weight with his arms. The other was nicknamed "curly" - Sticks told me this nickname, and I never asked why or saw any hair, as he was always in a hat. However, he rode a motorized scooter and had oxygen with him and on him at all times. I haven't seen either of them in years. I can only assume that they moved somewhere else or have passed on, as they were both at an advanced age.
They were both cheerful and friendly. Always. They were probably the most caring people I encountered on those walks and bike rides. Today, I find it awe-inspiring that the people who had the most obvious physical struggles were consistently friendly and present to the community. Those of us who were grumpy and wrapped up in our own problems really could and SHOULD learn from them.
Today is about the second day in a few weeks that this reluctant homeschooler has had hope and felt successful in my current adventure. It is my marathon. It is an emotional, intellectual, logistical and psychological marathon. I have chronic health issues that are my physical marathon, as well.
Yet, as the author of that blog, as well as Steve Wiens (The Actual Pastor is his blog, and I have cited is, as does the blog author cited in this post) have realized that others have their own challenges to deal with and are doing something wonderful and tangible to raise awareness and funds for the cause. I would encourage you to check out both & consider supporting their efforts financially, at least. In our country, the financial support tends to be the easier part.
Maybe I can. This is a statement that has been used to help people consider how they can make a difference, and it's spreading. As soon as I read it, I got scared. Does that ever happen to you? I was scared not because anyone was directly pressuring me, but because I knew it would change me and challenge me for an undefined amount of time, and I knew that those things would probably not be a day at a spa, or eating more ice cream.
I'm looking for inspiration from others. I will not be doing a lot of running, but am incredibly proud of Steve for running the Grand Canyon this month for such a wonderful cause - search Rim to Rim and Steve Wiens for more info on that. You can also look for tweets on lunacy if that fits you better.
Cancer haunts me, so I am not chemically treating my hair and growing it out to donate a ponytail for cancer wigs. That is my wimpy way of doing something tangible, but it will be a small, daily struggle for me. I was inspired by a friend who never gets a haircut except to donate a ponytail for a cancer wig. I am committing to do it once. Anyone want to do this with me and symbolically donate a full wig? The number of ponytails required is stated as a different number in different places. The more ponytails, the more wigs is a fact.
I am considering some other, crazier tangible adventures in an effort to love others. Love is a verb. It requires doing. I'm not ready to commit to them by elaborating here. Not yet.
If you've followed this blog, you know about our unusual parenting situation and some of the things that are included in that. Along those lines, I have found a number of ways to try and reach out and support others who are in parallel adventures. Why do we do this? Our family does because it is the best solution for M. I know many other families who do something similar for the same reason. I am actively looking for ways to make it less of a marathon for my entire family, as well as other families who might benefit and keep their natural hair color longer.
What are your struggles? What potential action makes you a bit nauseated to consider? Maybe you can. Believe it or not, I actually studied marketing at a respected business university. I know it's hard to believe after that sales pitch!
If you have ideas, I'd love to hear them. I promise to pray for you and your adventure if you share it with me. I know at least one other person who reads this will do the same. You just might inspire someone else.
Update/Post Script:
Rim To Rim raised enough funds to save 57 "women" (teenagers seems a more appropriate term to me) from sex trafficking. Way to go, Steve! Way to go everyone involved!
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