What is home?

I hear about highly gifted children asking questions like "what is time?" and similar things we take for granted, but are difficult to explain to a very young person. Recently, we have been exploring the concept of home. 

M didn't ask what it meant outright, but we have been exploring it. I have been exploring with her, and so has my husband. Closely linked is the concept of family, which is something we are revisiting as adults, and our daughter is exploring in depth for the first time. There are legal definitions of family and home, but I'm referring to the emotional and conceptual meanings. Some old lyrics that google didn't help me pin down today go something like this: "I never thought home would end up a place I don't belong." [If you can help me remember where that surfacing phrase originated before entering my mind through my ears, I'd be grateful.]

My baby girl is growing up. That's a cliche, I know, but there seem to be lurches in the process, and I feel we are in or just past one of those. She was telling me about some conversations happening around her that made her uncomfortable. The adults involved should not have been having those conversations.  Then again, I think they should know the girl in question better, as well. I asked her about it and got vague but honest answers. The gist is that these people were talking about us in a way that wasn't positive or pleasant, assuming our daughter was distracted by something. I was disappointed, but not surprised.

I asked her what "us" meant, wanting to understand better, and it warmed my heart to learn that there is a strong association between the word "us" and our family of 3. I like that. I hope that is an ongoing trend. Like most parents, we try to insulate our daughter from some of the less attractive qualities and interactions with extended family. This is one area where her being highly gifted makes parenting both easier and more difficult at the same time.

A woman I love as much as anyone on earth told me once that she felt guilty about how her relational issues with a family member seemed apparent to her daughter. I understand that emotion better now than when she confided in me. However, today, my daughter told me some things she's been noticing that make her sad. They are the same things my husband and I have been noticing. We both dealt with some guilt, like the woman mentioned previously.

M needs to be able to accept the truth about who her family members really are in order to effectively love them and interact with them. The sad thing is that those same people seem not to know and understand her much or me at all . . . my husband? I'm not sure how well they understand him, but the trend isn't great in any scenario.  M is too young to be expected to bear an emotional burden that is not her own. However, her relationship, or lack of one, is her own burden.

When people kindly interact with her in a way that seems appropriate to her size and/or age, she has learned to say appropriate things, but her tone is . . .  a work in progress. Once she responds to something that interests her . . . . let's just say I can tell you how big a bite many people can take. What follows is what tells me more about the person and their ability to appreciate and enjoy my daughter's company. I don't judge people for an initial assumption. After all, you have to start somewhere. The follow-up determines a lot more about how I see those people.

As we have been exploring this, we have learned that M's "us" is a great definition of family.  It simultaneously implies connection, unity, togetherness and more. Home is a concept that is a bit more hazy to me. We use the word to describe wherever we are staying, even when on vacation. However, there are places that are far more comfortable than others. Some of those places would not be referred to as our home. And yet . . . when we feel exceptionally comfortable, we describe it as "home" even when it is not a house or dwelling place.  Maybe "us" is home.

We are excited as we start a new chapter and try some new things in an effort to get more feelings of home and family. Giftedness is now a large part of how we operate, many of the decisions we make, and a surprising chunk of our daily life. I talked with a manager at an establishment we have frequented for years, who told me that giftedness is a beautiful girl with shining eyes as he watched her read and talk with his other customers. He also defined quirkiness as "having fun with friends," which I like. Don't you just adore your friends' quirks?!  Another place where we are recognized, we received a card, a demand to make sure we stayed in touch, and a few freebies related to something we're interested in with a shining smile. I could mention so many more.

However, it is sad to me how many of the people we are accepted by and sought after are not the ones you would assume, especially if you listen to Hallmark. I never thought home or family would be a place I don't belong. Several counselors have encouraged me to see the large family I have, and how wonderful the chosen family is. I love my family, but the people I want around are my "real"/"chosen" family. It warms my heart when I see the arms of those reaching back at me. I am trying to share some of the emotional tools I have learned in counseling with my amazing daughter. I have a feeling she'll be just fine.

I think "us" is in for some great times ahead. Blessings to you, your "home" and your "family" today - whatever that is to you.