I think most people really want to be kind and helpful when they meet a neuroatypical kid. Many have no idea what to do.
We are afraid of offending the parents or someone else. We are uncomfortable and unused to the patterns of behavior. We want to be kind. We don't know what to do. We are embarrassed. We do nothing, most of the time.
One thing I didn't expect to learn during this educational adventure is relating to other neuroatypical families. People often assume gifted kids are simply very smart. They are very smart. However, it's about how they're wired. They are neuroatypical. They have quirks and different patterns of behavior. They make people uncomfortable just by being themselves, especially when they are young and learning social skills. If you're looking for an example, think of Sheldon, or young Sheldon . . . Some of the things that happen on those shows don't seem so satirical to us.
Earlier this month, we were on a date. So M was at home, being old enough to stay home on her own, which has been SOOOOOO liberating. If yours are younger, it WILL come. It's worth the wait. We decided to go to Red Robin, where my niece has me addicted to campfire sauce. YUM!
It was Mother's Day weekend, I think. A larger, multi-generational group was sitting next to us, and I didn't notice them until my new friend Ava moved on the booth between our tables and sat next to me. I had heard some things that made it clear someone at the table was neuroatypical, but hadn't thought much of it. A decade ago, that would not have been my approach.
We had finished our meal and my husband went to the restroom, so I turned to the girl next to me who was wearing the most adorable leggings - with cat whiskers on the knees. I thought my girl and her friends would love them, so I complimented her leggings. The rest of her group looked apprehensive and uncomfortable. I ignored that. I only saw it because her mother was at the far end of the table and told me where she got the leggings.
Ava slid closer on the bench and introduced herself. I'll admit, I was uncomfortable, but am far more used to these situations than I used to be, so I masked that as best I could. She introduced herself and asked my name. I told her. She asked for my birth date, 1 piece of info at a time. I decided she wasn't an identity thief & told her. Quicker than I could think, she told me exactly how old I am. I let my genuine surprise and admiration show said, "You are SO good at math! Wow!!" She replied simply with her own age.
She was wearing shoes that are exactly like a pair both my daughter and I have (don't judge - I'm tiny & kids tennis shoes are cheaper), so I told her. Her mother's shoulders relaxed a bit at this point. She was watching Epic on a tablet, which is one of my favorite movies. She is a year younger than my daughter, about my size, and a sweet neuroatypical girl who simply wants to be friends.
She asked if I like minions. As a matter of fact, both my ring tone and my text tone are minion noises - more and more similarities! She asked to hear them, so I pulled out my phone, pulled up that screen & handed it to her, at which point she started listening to the minion choices I'd made.
At this point, my husband returned, and it wasn't that long a trip, so you can imagine the whirlwind pace that is Ava. I introduced her to him, and she pointed to me and said, "She's my new friend." My husband is a loving and accepting man, but less used to neuroatypical situations and was less successful at hiding his discomfort. Like I said, not that long ago, I would have been also. He was ready to go. I told him I'd be there in a minute, trying to give him the comfort of leaving right away. He took it.
I told Ava is was lovely meeting her, but we had to go. I slid the long way around the table, as Ava was blocking the closer exit, and walked around to stand beside her mother, who looked like her discomfort was increasing. I touched her shoulder and said, "she's delightful." This mother beamed! We exchanged other pleasantries, and I joined my husband.
This was maybe 5 minutes of my day. It exhausted me, as I'm almost off the charts introverted, lol. I'd do it again, tho. My husband expressed his appreciation for my approach, and we went home.
As I think back on that, I realized that I have a deep love for Ava and neuroatypical kids like her. She is different than my daughter, but having experienced this adventure, I feel like I can relate to those families, as well. I've decided that the best things I can do for all of them is the same thing I would do with any stranger I encounter. I compliment what I genuinely notice and enjoy. I relate to them in whatever way is apparent and obvious. I engage with them, and show interest in them. Sometimes that's the greatest gift we can give.
So, if you're looking for ways to be kind to those you are uncomfortable around, I won't claim to have all the answers. I won't claim that I don't offend some people accidentally. But that day was a success, and I have a new friend named Ava.
Sunday, May 27, 2018
Friday, May 25, 2018
Remembering 2013
I’ve been listening to Steve Wiens’ audio book Beginnings & Day 3 took me back to 2013 as he described a crazy & wonderful adventure he took as an example in the chapter. I met him in person before then & knew about that adventure as it was happening, so it took me back to my own experiences as I excitedly followed his progress.
The short version is that he ran across the Grand Canyon rim to rim and raised money to support women who had no future prospects & it was hugely successful. For the detailed version of his story see his site and/or read the book Beginnings.
His question from this chapter is what seeds are in you that will bring forth life in others as well? That is a hard question for me. I’m learning to prioritize and figure out my individual fulfillment within the framework of a life I frankly would not have chosen. It's also a framework that is nearing an end, so I've been contemplating my next chapter.
For those who are new to this blog, I adore my daughter and am ridiculously proud of her. However, I never intended to homeschool her. I didn’t want that for myself. When it became apparent that she needed that, I reprioritized and made it happen. It was messy. It is still messy. There is no question that it was the right path for her. None at all. At 6.5 years into the journey, I'm pretty comfortable with it, but it’s really different than it used to be. It's taken a lot of work and support from others to get here.
In the summer of 2013 I was still homeschooling & had finished about a year and a half. Yes, summer goes with homeschooling. For one thing, she refused to take s break for a few years. I wanted a summer break!!!!! She didn’t. Sigh . . . We were also newly estranged from the family I grew up with.
That particular summer I felt not completely out of my mind with the transition, but still incredibly gun shy. I never knew how much unsolicited advice & stranger criticism could come from homeschooling. It was HARD! Everyone had an answer, or story, or someone they new that . . . . you get the idea. Many of them were scare tactics to talk me out of homeschooling, which my daughter neurologically needed. My husband was always better at blowing that stuff off than I have been. Being a mom is vulnerable. Being a homeschooling mom of an atypical learner is TERRIFYING!!!
One of my friends at the time repeatedly told me I should simply not bring it up, lol . . . If you've ever met my daughter . . . . She's a talker! Yes, she does take after her mother that way, lol. Also, as soon as she opens her mouth, it's obvious there's something a little different inside that pretty little head & people start asking questions. So not dealing with it meant not leaving the house. Yes, we did choose that more often than you might think.
With all the time & emotional energy spent on figuring out how to help our girl find fulfilling learning & connection, I had quit teaching piano lessons after 18 years. I never thought I would quit that. I simply was exhausted, and I didn’t have the capacity to homeschool our daughter AND work for a paycheck at the same time. My husband was wonderfully supportive & so were my last few students, which helped. I was done with something I thought I'd do forever. I felt completely stunned in a numb sort of way.
I was also dealing with chronic pain that was mysterious & making very little progress. Not so many years earlier, I would swim laps and ride my bike miles almost every day in the warm season, and I was angry about these changes in my body. I was living in a house that was too big for us, and physically too much for me to keep up. And since our girl was so young, she could not yet be home alone, so I spent every day facing my views of disappointment in myself.
These changes in our lives coincided and/or caused so many relational schisms! I felt like my only value added at that point was my daughter & that was still not very stable. The rule of thumb from many parents of others like our girl was to find a new plan every 6 months?!?! We were done adding to our family, and I was still grieving the loss of 3 pregnancies, so my mom success rate felt abysmal. I never wanted to be a stay at home mom.
On fb, I saw that Steve Wiens was running rim to rim to raise money for girls to get out of sex trafficking (most of them were placed there by their own families). This definitely hit my heart. I cried tears of joy watching this adventure evolve into the Fall. I wanted so badly to be more involved & connected. People were running with him in solidarity, but I could not. People were donating money & I had recently stopped earning an income . . . And our version of homeschooling is working really hard WHILE spending significant money . . . I felt helpless.
So, I kicked my own butt & decided to get creative. I thought about St Nicholas, who gave money in secret to 3 girls without douries, which paralleled Steve’s effort & hit the homeschooling a young girl sphere I lived in . . . And I had an idea. Christmas stockings. I made Christmas stockings as gifts, mostly. . . I decided to talk with my husband & daughter about Christmas stockings.
My initial goal was related to reclaiming things in my own life and creating something positive out of them. I wanted to save 3 girls, symbolic of the 3 children we had lost. I used a sewing machine with ties to my ancestry, and placed it on a sewing machine table with ties to my husband's ancestry. I was pulling OUR family together and moving forward. A less reverent way I did this was to sit on the ancestry binders in order to get the appropriate angle as I sewed to reduce my pain. It made me smile and it made my husband laugh. It was a good addition. And the family I married into talked about how much their ancestors would love the effort I was taking on.
We told our daughter about prostitution without detail but simple definitions, another decision we were criticized for, but related to things relevant to her studies, like that of St Nicholas. She knew what the proceeds would do and why it was important. Physically, this was challenging & I had to pace myself, but I committed to making 30 quilted Christmas stockings that Fall & mail them to people who donated to the cause Steve Wiens was running for. It was VERY different from his marathon, but it was something I could do. The previous time I had made so many stockings had been just following my first miscarriage and I did it in about half the time, so this was my marathon.
About every other day, I’d do a chunk of the work & my family would give me the space to do that. My Aunt sent me Christmas fabrics she had in her home to support my efforts, which was such a sweet surprise. My girl would come in regularly to see what fabric combos I had chosen - did I mention that every stocking is one-of-a-kind? They are about 9 inches wide & 18 inches tall.
I was in pain for months, and could have had that pain reduced by not doing it. It was a tangible gift to people I will never meet in person, but care about nevertheless. I was touched by the people who cheered me on & donated but asked not to have a stocking sent. I felt the compliment of people who chose a particular stocking they wanted as I shared them on fb. A friend who has always been an inspiration to me gave repeatedly & collected a set for her family & the 2 girls that unofficially have joined their family regularly for years.
It was a meaningful investment of my time & when I was about $100 from the $1000 needed to save a whole person forever, my husband said, you did it. Top it off from me. 27 stockings were mailed. He agreed to us taking on all the postage. He also spent a lot of hours watching football (which was admittedly not a huge sacrifice) and intervening to give me privacy when my girl came to check on me . . . . about every 5 minutes at the start, lol . . . .
I did not reach my initial goal. Steve saved over 60 girls!!!! I am still so excited about that. It was a victory for me to save one. More than the girl who benefits, it was meaningful to me. It was the start of reclaiming and beginning again for me. I proved to myself that I could do it. I was not a failure, and that success can be measured differently than it used to be. It can be 1 girl instead of 3. It showed me that although my support network had gotten smaller suddenly, I still had a lot of support from a few beloved individuals and a lot of loving strangers and acquaintance.
More than anything, I can still picture my daughter's glowing smile when she came in to see what I was working on that day, and when she asked what the total was that I'd gotten to. She didn't care if it was 3 or 1. She was proud of me. "One whole person. Forever." That was her phrase to me that Christmas, which was when I ended my marathon. That's all I remember about that Christmas - her praise, and my husband's support and encouragement. I had carved out time for myself, and I had used it to plant seeds for greater life in myself and in a complete stranger in another country. It was good.
So, Steve asks what seeds are in me that will bring forth life in the future. I'm not sure right now. My girl is now in High School classes, and I see the end of this chapter. I will have no choice but to begin again. That is why I started this book right now. I'm anticipating. And he reminded me that I did it before. I can do it again. I feel stronger after remembering. Celebrate every accomplishment!
The short version is that he ran across the Grand Canyon rim to rim and raised money to support women who had no future prospects & it was hugely successful. For the detailed version of his story see his site and/or read the book Beginnings.
His question from this chapter is what seeds are in you that will bring forth life in others as well? That is a hard question for me. I’m learning to prioritize and figure out my individual fulfillment within the framework of a life I frankly would not have chosen. It's also a framework that is nearing an end, so I've been contemplating my next chapter.
For those who are new to this blog, I adore my daughter and am ridiculously proud of her. However, I never intended to homeschool her. I didn’t want that for myself. When it became apparent that she needed that, I reprioritized and made it happen. It was messy. It is still messy. There is no question that it was the right path for her. None at all. At 6.5 years into the journey, I'm pretty comfortable with it, but it’s really different than it used to be. It's taken a lot of work and support from others to get here.
In the summer of 2013 I was still homeschooling & had finished about a year and a half. Yes, summer goes with homeschooling. For one thing, she refused to take s break for a few years. I wanted a summer break!!!!! She didn’t. Sigh . . . We were also newly estranged from the family I grew up with.
That particular summer I felt not completely out of my mind with the transition, but still incredibly gun shy. I never knew how much unsolicited advice & stranger criticism could come from homeschooling. It was HARD! Everyone had an answer, or story, or someone they new that . . . . you get the idea. Many of them were scare tactics to talk me out of homeschooling, which my daughter neurologically needed. My husband was always better at blowing that stuff off than I have been. Being a mom is vulnerable. Being a homeschooling mom of an atypical learner is TERRIFYING!!!
One of my friends at the time repeatedly told me I should simply not bring it up, lol . . . If you've ever met my daughter . . . . She's a talker! Yes, she does take after her mother that way, lol. Also, as soon as she opens her mouth, it's obvious there's something a little different inside that pretty little head & people start asking questions. So not dealing with it meant not leaving the house. Yes, we did choose that more often than you might think.
With all the time & emotional energy spent on figuring out how to help our girl find fulfilling learning & connection, I had quit teaching piano lessons after 18 years. I never thought I would quit that. I simply was exhausted, and I didn’t have the capacity to homeschool our daughter AND work for a paycheck at the same time. My husband was wonderfully supportive & so were my last few students, which helped. I was done with something I thought I'd do forever. I felt completely stunned in a numb sort of way.
I was also dealing with chronic pain that was mysterious & making very little progress. Not so many years earlier, I would swim laps and ride my bike miles almost every day in the warm season, and I was angry about these changes in my body. I was living in a house that was too big for us, and physically too much for me to keep up. And since our girl was so young, she could not yet be home alone, so I spent every day facing my views of disappointment in myself.
These changes in our lives coincided and/or caused so many relational schisms! I felt like my only value added at that point was my daughter & that was still not very stable. The rule of thumb from many parents of others like our girl was to find a new plan every 6 months?!?! We were done adding to our family, and I was still grieving the loss of 3 pregnancies, so my mom success rate felt abysmal. I never wanted to be a stay at home mom.
On fb, I saw that Steve Wiens was running rim to rim to raise money for girls to get out of sex trafficking (most of them were placed there by their own families). This definitely hit my heart. I cried tears of joy watching this adventure evolve into the Fall. I wanted so badly to be more involved & connected. People were running with him in solidarity, but I could not. People were donating money & I had recently stopped earning an income . . . And our version of homeschooling is working really hard WHILE spending significant money . . . I felt helpless.
So, I kicked my own butt & decided to get creative. I thought about St Nicholas, who gave money in secret to 3 girls without douries, which paralleled Steve’s effort & hit the homeschooling a young girl sphere I lived in . . . And I had an idea. Christmas stockings. I made Christmas stockings as gifts, mostly. . . I decided to talk with my husband & daughter about Christmas stockings.
My initial goal was related to reclaiming things in my own life and creating something positive out of them. I wanted to save 3 girls, symbolic of the 3 children we had lost. I used a sewing machine with ties to my ancestry, and placed it on a sewing machine table with ties to my husband's ancestry. I was pulling OUR family together and moving forward. A less reverent way I did this was to sit on the ancestry binders in order to get the appropriate angle as I sewed to reduce my pain. It made me smile and it made my husband laugh. It was a good addition. And the family I married into talked about how much their ancestors would love the effort I was taking on.
We told our daughter about prostitution without detail but simple definitions, another decision we were criticized for, but related to things relevant to her studies, like that of St Nicholas. She knew what the proceeds would do and why it was important. Physically, this was challenging & I had to pace myself, but I committed to making 30 quilted Christmas stockings that Fall & mail them to people who donated to the cause Steve Wiens was running for. It was VERY different from his marathon, but it was something I could do. The previous time I had made so many stockings had been just following my first miscarriage and I did it in about half the time, so this was my marathon.
About every other day, I’d do a chunk of the work & my family would give me the space to do that. My Aunt sent me Christmas fabrics she had in her home to support my efforts, which was such a sweet surprise. My girl would come in regularly to see what fabric combos I had chosen - did I mention that every stocking is one-of-a-kind? They are about 9 inches wide & 18 inches tall.
I was in pain for months, and could have had that pain reduced by not doing it. It was a tangible gift to people I will never meet in person, but care about nevertheless. I was touched by the people who cheered me on & donated but asked not to have a stocking sent. I felt the compliment of people who chose a particular stocking they wanted as I shared them on fb. A friend who has always been an inspiration to me gave repeatedly & collected a set for her family & the 2 girls that unofficially have joined their family regularly for years.
It was a meaningful investment of my time & when I was about $100 from the $1000 needed to save a whole person forever, my husband said, you did it. Top it off from me. 27 stockings were mailed. He agreed to us taking on all the postage. He also spent a lot of hours watching football (which was admittedly not a huge sacrifice) and intervening to give me privacy when my girl came to check on me . . . . about every 5 minutes at the start, lol . . . .
I did not reach my initial goal. Steve saved over 60 girls!!!! I am still so excited about that. It was a victory for me to save one. More than the girl who benefits, it was meaningful to me. It was the start of reclaiming and beginning again for me. I proved to myself that I could do it. I was not a failure, and that success can be measured differently than it used to be. It can be 1 girl instead of 3. It showed me that although my support network had gotten smaller suddenly, I still had a lot of support from a few beloved individuals and a lot of loving strangers and acquaintance.
More than anything, I can still picture my daughter's glowing smile when she came in to see what I was working on that day, and when she asked what the total was that I'd gotten to. She didn't care if it was 3 or 1. She was proud of me. "One whole person. Forever." That was her phrase to me that Christmas, which was when I ended my marathon. That's all I remember about that Christmas - her praise, and my husband's support and encouragement. I had carved out time for myself, and I had used it to plant seeds for greater life in myself and in a complete stranger in another country. It was good.
So, Steve asks what seeds are in me that will bring forth life in the future. I'm not sure right now. My girl is now in High School classes, and I see the end of this chapter. I will have no choice but to begin again. That is why I started this book right now. I'm anticipating. And he reminded me that I did it before. I can do it again. I feel stronger after remembering. Celebrate every accomplishment!
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