That phrase is the title of an Internet posting. When I read the phrase, I cringe a little. There is so much stigma and assumed pride (and not the good kind) in that kind of phrase. I think it's the word "than" that gets me. Maybe it's an oversimplification, but why can't we just be different and have that be OK?
When it comes up that M's IQ is higher than many, some assume it means that we are saying "better than" which we absolutely are not. Ever! I know of some examples of people with high IQ who I definitely value less than some with lower IQs - this is not about the value of the individual. It is about the way they process information.
When they are talking about this, they are not calling anyone dumb or stupid in the article. This is not about degrading anyone else. Everyone has value. Everyone.
This is the section of that article that resonates with me most, however:
In her book The Gifted Adult: A Revolutionary Guide for Liberating Everyday Genius, Mary-Elaine Jacobsen writes, “To feel like an outsider, to constantly pressure yourself to hold back your gifts in order to fit in or avoid disapproval, to erroneously believe that you are overly sensitive, compulsively perfectionistic, and blindly driven, to live without knowing the basic truths about the core of your being – too often this is the life of Everyday Geniuses who have been kept in the dark about who they are and misinformed about their differences.”
I am understanding myself better as I learn about my daughter. So much of what I am reading related to her life reminds me of my own.
Steve Jobs saw his father as smart, according to the article. I think his father was. If he could figure out anything mechanical, that is an area of intelligence that some people simply don't have. If his father had it, he was smart that way. I don't know what his IQ was, but I am uncomfortable about how the article portrays the parents of gifted children.
In my experience, most parents of gifted children feel like their kids are smarter than they are. I know I do frequently. However, I think it's a dangerous place to go. It's simply not true in a literal way. Not in my opinion, at least. I think there are a lot of the aforementioned Everyday Geniuses who are unaware of their label. It does not change who they are, but it does affect how they process things and function. I meet so many families where I can clearly see the similarities, yet they say things like "I don't think of my children as gifted." (a real life example from the last couple of weeks), and I felt the same way. I simply didn't know.
As test scores go, my husband has a higher intelligence than I do. However, when it comes to mechanical things, I tend to be the more successful one in many instances. Add the gender stereotypes to this and it makes for an uncomfortable situation at times. Does that mean I'm dumb? No. Does it mean he is? No.
I was involved in a few conversations recently about how some parents who choose to stay home and/or homeschool are seen as wasted potential. It's a reality in some cases. One of the amazing women I've been getting to know better completed med school. She is at home with kids and homeschooling. I do NOT consider that wasted potential. She is investing in the future in every possible way. However, I know another woman in a similar situation who would not consider making the same decision, despite being advised that her children have a similar need by an educational psychologist. Why? I'm sure she would disagree, but quite simply, it's pride and fear. She feels she needs to use her medical degree, and is proud of her accomplishment in that area. It's tied to her self-worth. The previous example sees her choice as a valuable one and feels she is using her medical degree in the health of her children and everyday life in many ways.
I have heard some talented writers talk about reactions to their choice to homeschool as wasted potential, as well. First of all, they are still writing. They are still working. I do not work for pay at this time, but many of homeschooling parents do. They have found a way to work and homsechool in one simultaneous lifetime. I am utterly amazed but them.
Here's what I want to know overall. Why would investing time and attention into children ever be seen as less important? Isn't that our future? Why on earth would we want people who are perceived as less capable to be the only ones working with our children? Seriously, even if we bought into all these stereotypes, doesn't that rub anyone else the wrong way?
If we want them in the best schools, headed for the best careers and in the best internships, why wouldn't we want them around the best people? However you define best, this does not make sense to me. I want my kid to have the best, just as others do. I define that as what makes her happiest, so long as it also leaves her functional in life, as far as paying bills, reading mail, and staying relatively healthy. This was our goal for her before we knew her IQ. Knowing her IQ was not our plan. Now that we do, our goal for her remains the same. All the IQ test did for us was help us understand how to facilitate that goal in her life.
Wishing you the freedom to pursue happiness in whatever way that presents itself in your life, and freedom from the pressure of any expectations that inhibit happiness.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Frozen - a movie about a powerfully gifted girl
We just watched Frozen again. Tonight, I saw it in a whole different light, even though I have seen it many times. Considering an entire room full of kids of various ages started singing "Let It Go" in a swim school waiting area, I'm sure many know the story line. For those of you who don't, consider this your spoiler alert.
Elsa, the elder daughter and future queen starts the movie showing us all sorts of fun and creative ways she has learned to use her snow and ice powers to creatively play with her sister and bring them both delight. Watching gifted kids play imaginatively is so amazing, isn't it? In the area of play, every child has an area of giftedness, in my mind. The magic in my eyes is the delight in the expression of anyone playing in a way that brings them delight.
An accident happens, Anna, the beloved sister gets hurt, but in fairness, this is more due to Anna's choices than Elsa's, and throwing in the one and only time in the movie that Elsa slips on ice . . . . sorry, but I am OCD about story consistencies . . . . moving on.
The trolls heal Anna, but remove all memory of magic, just to be safe. I don't really understand the "safe" concept. Life is not safe. We can go through life trying to make it so, but it won't be. Also, why would her memory of magic be unsafe? This is never explained in the movie. They also warn Elsa that fear will be her enemy throughout her life. and that she must learn to control her power.
The parents react protectively, urging Elsa to keep it a secret, and not to feel. She adopts this mantra that is all about denying a powerful gift she has, and it is centered on fear, rather than control. In order to control something, mustn't we embrace it? If fear is the enemy, why focus on it and instill it?
When her powers are revealed just following her coronation, of course she flees in terror. So, now on to the famous earworm song that parents everywhere know . . . . "Let It Go" If you are unfamiliar with the song (or even if you are), take a moment to check out this video. It is my favorite version, and a short one.
Earlier in the song than that clip, she talks about the good girl she always has to be: "don't let them see, don't let them know. Well now they know." She then started deliberately using her powers for the first time in the movie since her sister was hurt. What she builds is beautiful and amazing, and is something that will be gracing many walls and frames for years to come, I'm sure. How? She uses a tremendous, unusual power with control.
However, she is wracked with guilt, believing she has let people down and done something wrong. It's not the truth, but the result of years of misinterpretation and good intentions gone wrong. Can anyone else think of examples of this from other characters in stories? People in the media? Family members? Criminals? Seriously, the worst criminals are really really gifted in what they do.
We aren't supposed to talk about highly gifted individuals, especially as highly biased parents. We might make someone feel bad about their child who is unique and wonderful (or difficult and challenging) in a different way. So, we raise the kids protectively, and coach them to keep their incredible talents hidden, and to look like and act like everyone else. Then, they start to believe that being different, even in very positive ways, is a bad thing.
Is that what we intend as parents? Of course not. However, they learn it nonetheless. I did. My daughter did. I know so many who did and have not yet begun to embrace their own atypicialities that make them amazing and beautiful and talented . . . even into adulthood. It's a tragedy. A tragedy for them, and a tragedy for everyone who might have been positively impacted by them.
Before we understood the ways M was unique, she felt bad about herself. She knew she was different in some ways, and she assumed that made her weird and was bad. In fact, she assumed she was failing school, which was never even close to true. None of the teachers or other school staff or family members believed that or wanted her to feel that way, but she did.
Once we got some good input, we were connected with other families with similar atypicalities and her whole world changed. She has a place where it is safe to be herself, atypicalities and all (and where I can be completely nuts and be accepted, too). Now that we have had that for a while, she is thriving. She is thriving in that group, and she is thriving in more mainstream groups, and in sports and all over the place. Are they all full of people with the same unique qualities? Of course not! It took just one place she could be safe and be herself, and all the rest of it fell into place.
I think one of the most evil things in the world is the concept that anyone is alone in anything. If you are struggling with something, or have a passion that is unusual, or an interest that your family doesn't understand, find people who do. I don't believe that any one quality can be held by only one person. Ever. You are not alone! M is not alone, and neither are her parents.
So, be inspired by Elsa, and embrace and control your specialities, whatever they may be. Also, be like Anna, who loves her sister and never becomes afraid of her, despite being hurt. People make mistakes. Noone goes through life without wounding others, just as noone goes through life without receiving wounds. Let's challenge ourselves to see this ever-present recent movie to inspire us to live as better people and interact with people around us in a better way, no matter the label - on them or you!
Wishing you warmth and love as the temperatures drop.
Elsa, the elder daughter and future queen starts the movie showing us all sorts of fun and creative ways she has learned to use her snow and ice powers to creatively play with her sister and bring them both delight. Watching gifted kids play imaginatively is so amazing, isn't it? In the area of play, every child has an area of giftedness, in my mind. The magic in my eyes is the delight in the expression of anyone playing in a way that brings them delight.
An accident happens, Anna, the beloved sister gets hurt, but in fairness, this is more due to Anna's choices than Elsa's, and throwing in the one and only time in the movie that Elsa slips on ice . . . . sorry, but I am OCD about story consistencies . . . . moving on.
The trolls heal Anna, but remove all memory of magic, just to be safe. I don't really understand the "safe" concept. Life is not safe. We can go through life trying to make it so, but it won't be. Also, why would her memory of magic be unsafe? This is never explained in the movie. They also warn Elsa that fear will be her enemy throughout her life. and that she must learn to control her power.
The parents react protectively, urging Elsa to keep it a secret, and not to feel. She adopts this mantra that is all about denying a powerful gift she has, and it is centered on fear, rather than control. In order to control something, mustn't we embrace it? If fear is the enemy, why focus on it and instill it?
When her powers are revealed just following her coronation, of course she flees in terror. So, now on to the famous earworm song that parents everywhere know . . . . "Let It Go" If you are unfamiliar with the song (or even if you are), take a moment to check out this video. It is my favorite version, and a short one.
Earlier in the song than that clip, she talks about the good girl she always has to be: "don't let them see, don't let them know. Well now they know." She then started deliberately using her powers for the first time in the movie since her sister was hurt. What she builds is beautiful and amazing, and is something that will be gracing many walls and frames for years to come, I'm sure. How? She uses a tremendous, unusual power with control.
However, she is wracked with guilt, believing she has let people down and done something wrong. It's not the truth, but the result of years of misinterpretation and good intentions gone wrong. Can anyone else think of examples of this from other characters in stories? People in the media? Family members? Criminals? Seriously, the worst criminals are really really gifted in what they do.
We aren't supposed to talk about highly gifted individuals, especially as highly biased parents. We might make someone feel bad about their child who is unique and wonderful (or difficult and challenging) in a different way. So, we raise the kids protectively, and coach them to keep their incredible talents hidden, and to look like and act like everyone else. Then, they start to believe that being different, even in very positive ways, is a bad thing.
Is that what we intend as parents? Of course not. However, they learn it nonetheless. I did. My daughter did. I know so many who did and have not yet begun to embrace their own atypicialities that make them amazing and beautiful and talented . . . even into adulthood. It's a tragedy. A tragedy for them, and a tragedy for everyone who might have been positively impacted by them.
Before we understood the ways M was unique, she felt bad about herself. She knew she was different in some ways, and she assumed that made her weird and was bad. In fact, she assumed she was failing school, which was never even close to true. None of the teachers or other school staff or family members believed that or wanted her to feel that way, but she did.
Once we got some good input, we were connected with other families with similar atypicalities and her whole world changed. She has a place where it is safe to be herself, atypicalities and all (and where I can be completely nuts and be accepted, too). Now that we have had that for a while, she is thriving. She is thriving in that group, and she is thriving in more mainstream groups, and in sports and all over the place. Are they all full of people with the same unique qualities? Of course not! It took just one place she could be safe and be herself, and all the rest of it fell into place.
I think one of the most evil things in the world is the concept that anyone is alone in anything. If you are struggling with something, or have a passion that is unusual, or an interest that your family doesn't understand, find people who do. I don't believe that any one quality can be held by only one person. Ever. You are not alone! M is not alone, and neither are her parents.
So, be inspired by Elsa, and embrace and control your specialities, whatever they may be. Also, be like Anna, who loves her sister and never becomes afraid of her, despite being hurt. People make mistakes. Noone goes through life without wounding others, just as noone goes through life without receiving wounds. Let's challenge ourselves to see this ever-present recent movie to inspire us to live as better people and interact with people around us in a better way, no matter the label - on them or you!
Wishing you warmth and love as the temperatures drop.
Handling changes and obvious atypicality
It's interesting that I posted not long ago about the art of ending well. At the time, my observations and thoughts were all about other people's endings, and trying to related my emotions to past experiences in order to process changes in one particular environment.
Since then, there have been numerous changes in our own lives, and I am challenged to handle those changes gracefully, and may get another opportunity to end something well. Hopefully, each new ending we face will be one I handle better than the last.
We are visiting a new educational environment this upcoming week. If you know me personally, please don't freak out! Only a few people have heard this from me directly, and it's nothing to do with any deficiency anywhere. As is her pattern M looks like she might be ready now for the plan I anticipated next Fall. I shouldn't be surprised. Actually, I'm feeling mostly tired. The short version is that these few months following vision therapy completion were impossible to predict, and we are trying to roll with it. "He just rolls. It's cool how he rolls" ~ The Invisible Man in Hotel Transylvania, in honor of Halloween yesterday :)
The next place we are exploring is one that my husband has been enthusiastic about, and he is taking a day off of work to visit with us. What cracks me up is his supervisor's reaction. M and I have met his current supervisor only once [because he recently switched positions within the company]. When he asked for the day off to visit "a new school" (not the terminology I would use - coop is closer), apparently his supervisor was scared. Isn't that adorable?! Is it just me? What he actually said to my husband was, "you're not putting that child into public school are you?!" My husband laughed and quickly said no, and his supervisor expressed relief. This man met us only once, is not opposed to public school options, and durring a short, unannounced stop at the office one afternoon, and it was clear to him. That pretty much tells our story related to meeting new people.
It makes me remember my friend R talking with me about all of this stuff years ago. She said, "Just don't talk about it with people," after I had expressed frustration that we cannot go anywhere without facing the uniqueness of our situation head on. Well, her son is now older and she is facing it, too. I am small enough to laugh at her and we still get along well :). You see, M talks. To everyone. All. The. Time.
I don't want my girl to grow up feeling that she has to hide herself or conform or fit into expectations. Being polite and respectful is required. Becoming a carbon copy of anyone else or fitting into a cookie cutter shape is not even desirable. Balancing those things is quite difficult for me to figure out in some situations.
Which brings me back to our visit this upcoming week . . . . it's not a special interest environment, so they will not be expecting an atypical child. Well, they are expecting a homeschooled child, so they will be expecting that degree of atypicality, I'll admit . . . Beyond that, they have no information about our unique situation. How should I prepare her?
Growing up, I would have been advised to be quiet and observe, and to smile and be attentive. Many of us would have been told similar things. Of course I want her to smile and be attentive. Observe? Absolutely! Be quiet? Never. Going. To. Happen. I don't want her to stifle what is a big part of her. Does it annoy me sometimes? OF COURSE! However, I do it, too, and I want her to grow up embracing the person God made her to be - or, if you prefer - to be the person she was born to be. She is amazing, unquenchably curious, irrepressibly enthusiastic, completely precocious, and many other admirable and (to be honest) irritating things.
No matter how it turns out, we will be keeping some of our routine the same. If it goes really well, we will be altering part of our schedule to incorporate this new thing in the Spring term, and I'll have yet another opportunity to practice the art of ending well. A week ago, I did not know this was coming. Gotta roll with it. Wish me luck in being the mother she needs me to be.
Since then, there have been numerous changes in our own lives, and I am challenged to handle those changes gracefully, and may get another opportunity to end something well. Hopefully, each new ending we face will be one I handle better than the last.
We are visiting a new educational environment this upcoming week. If you know me personally, please don't freak out! Only a few people have heard this from me directly, and it's nothing to do with any deficiency anywhere. As is her pattern M looks like she might be ready now for the plan I anticipated next Fall. I shouldn't be surprised. Actually, I'm feeling mostly tired. The short version is that these few months following vision therapy completion were impossible to predict, and we are trying to roll with it. "He just rolls. It's cool how he rolls" ~ The Invisible Man in Hotel Transylvania, in honor of Halloween yesterday :)
The next place we are exploring is one that my husband has been enthusiastic about, and he is taking a day off of work to visit with us. What cracks me up is his supervisor's reaction. M and I have met his current supervisor only once [because he recently switched positions within the company]. When he asked for the day off to visit "a new school" (not the terminology I would use - coop is closer), apparently his supervisor was scared. Isn't that adorable?! Is it just me? What he actually said to my husband was, "you're not putting that child into public school are you?!" My husband laughed and quickly said no, and his supervisor expressed relief. This man met us only once, is not opposed to public school options, and durring a short, unannounced stop at the office one afternoon, and it was clear to him. That pretty much tells our story related to meeting new people.
It makes me remember my friend R talking with me about all of this stuff years ago. She said, "Just don't talk about it with people," after I had expressed frustration that we cannot go anywhere without facing the uniqueness of our situation head on. Well, her son is now older and she is facing it, too. I am small enough to laugh at her and we still get along well :). You see, M talks. To everyone. All. The. Time.
I don't want my girl to grow up feeling that she has to hide herself or conform or fit into expectations. Being polite and respectful is required. Becoming a carbon copy of anyone else or fitting into a cookie cutter shape is not even desirable. Balancing those things is quite difficult for me to figure out in some situations.
Which brings me back to our visit this upcoming week . . . . it's not a special interest environment, so they will not be expecting an atypical child. Well, they are expecting a homeschooled child, so they will be expecting that degree of atypicality, I'll admit . . . Beyond that, they have no information about our unique situation. How should I prepare her?
Growing up, I would have been advised to be quiet and observe, and to smile and be attentive. Many of us would have been told similar things. Of course I want her to smile and be attentive. Observe? Absolutely! Be quiet? Never. Going. To. Happen. I don't want her to stifle what is a big part of her. Does it annoy me sometimes? OF COURSE! However, I do it, too, and I want her to grow up embracing the person God made her to be - or, if you prefer - to be the person she was born to be. She is amazing, unquenchably curious, irrepressibly enthusiastic, completely precocious, and many other admirable and (to be honest) irritating things.
No matter how it turns out, we will be keeping some of our routine the same. If it goes really well, we will be altering part of our schedule to incorporate this new thing in the Spring term, and I'll have yet another opportunity to practice the art of ending well. A week ago, I did not know this was coming. Gotta roll with it. Wish me luck in being the mother she needs me to be.
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