When M was younger, I was convinced I was doing something wrong. She didn't play with her toys. Preschooleers are supposed to love toys. I must be doing something wrong.
We found some things she played with a little bit, then they stayed on the shelf while seh did crafts or read books or sat around looking aimless. I felt like a bad mom. Maybe I was being too frugal. I bought more toys.
Whenever she liked something, we went all out. Everyone in the family pitched in at birthdays and Christmas to get her the theme toy that she had been playing with. It didn't last long. I decided I had overdone it and ruined the enjoyment of that toy. I would have to do better next time.
After a while, I decided she must be really tired and just wanted to do art and watch movies. I bought more movies. I happen to love kids' movies more than M, so this was a less uncomfortable adventure for me. However, she got bored of the movies, too. It became another thing she'd sigh and accept, but not thoroughly enjoy. Fail. Again.
I recently heard a mom talking about a similar experience and it got me remembering. After we figured out that giftedness had a lot to do with this dynamic, we bought as many used nonfiction books as we could carry at a used curriculum sale.
We snuck them into the basement and onto a bookshelf, then surprised her with it. Finally, we got the reaction you'd expect on Christmas morning. It was Timelife Books and Usborne books and National Geographic books, etc. We had purchased almost everything science or animal related that we could find. We were both shaking as our muscles barely made it to the car with our load. It even took more than a week for her to read them all. Seriously, that's like a lifetime supply for some kids. Score. Finally.
Emma Watson is quoted as saying something like, "Don't think you're stupid just because you don't like the things everyone else pretends to like." I love that quote. I felt like the temporary toy interest was very much like that. I think M felt that she was supposed to like toys, listened to friends/classmates and latched on to that. When it was ust her, however, she'd much rather have a book. Only when we gifted her in an area of passion did she get excited. That is obvious to me now, but took us a long time to figure out.
Even though I have some intelligence and am aware of (and even embrace) my idiosynchrosies as fun ornaments on my personality, I fell victim to the social norms. Whether or not a person of any age is gifted or not, they need to feel free to pursue their passions. So long as it's not destructive, I think anything should go. As adults we do that. Why do we treat kids differently?
So, am I having a contest to give away all those unused toys? No. M sold almost all of them (because I made her keep some) in a garage sale and used the money to buy pet supplies. She has had no regrets & made a killing at that garage sale. My niece thinks I got rid of all my daughter's toys. She must think I'm the meanest mom ever. . .
The lessons I learned are:
1. Spending money on something the gift receiver isn't interested in is a huge waste of money.
2. Happiness is pursuing your passions.
3. Being like other people doesn't create happiness.
4. Being a good mom might look like something entirely different to an outsider.
5. People will judge.
6. I need to get over my insecurities and suck it up.
7. "Thou shalt not judge" probably means I shouldn't get all worked up about the judgement.
This was a good reminder just before the holidays as I'm tempted to enlarge the pile of presents. This year, our present situation is even more atypical than usual. M is the one reminding us that we already have our big Christmas present - we got a new pet this Fall & the timing was better earlier, but it really was a Christmas present plan. It was an awesome choice for the whole family.
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year. Wishing you comfort & peace, relaxation & laughter.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Thursday, December 5, 2013
HAPPY Holidays, you say? Inspiration from sadness through a gifted friend.
Let me begin by telling you that I do wish everyone the happiest possible holidays. I apologize for the big break in posts. I had a happy Thanksgiving, but I haven't had a happy season of life.
Happy holidays is not a reality for everyone. Statistics attest to the fact that major health issues (that are complicated by stress like stroke and heart attack) go up during the holidays, and I'm sure it's not entirely from culinary overindulgence or increased debtload with holiday expenses. Worse yet, suicide rates go up during the holidays.
Life is not a Hallmark card, and the Hallmark company's spin on things has become a cause for derision from me. Why is it so bad that it's not a happy time for some? Most people who have gone through major struggles/trauma will attest to this conclusion. While they wouldn't wish it on others, they would not give up what they gained from the experience. Less than happy does not necessarily mean less than anything else. There is great value in the less euphoric emotions and seasons in life. They are real and valuable.
If you are in a happy season of life, I am genuinely happy for you. I hope that you can snuggle into that, basking in contentment or whatever positive experience you're in. Better than that, I hope it produces outflow that shows the best of you. That might mean smiling at strangers, financially supporting an amazing charity, doing amazing volunteer work, or simply being a bright spot in the daily lives of others just by being yourself. The last example reminds me of an amazing friend who has had a difficult year and yet is more present and thoughtful and generous than most people, even in the midst of difficulties. Such grace. . .
If you are not in a bright spot, my wish for you is a safe place to embrace the reality of your situation . . . your season . . . yourself. The things you are going through right now are part of you, reality and important. "Your story isn't boring, by the way. We're only given the one life. . . they matter. Maybe only to us, but they matter." ~ Tea Leoni as Gwen in Ghost Town.
One part of my life this year was the death of a friend. It was not the first time I had lost a friend "too young" - whatever that means. It will not be the last. It was not a quick or easy passing. There are opportunities and possibilities I grieve for her. I grieve for her husband who had too few years with her. I grieve for her mother, who never expected to bury her daughter. . . . so many possibilities for such an amazing person . . .
She continues to inspire me after her death. She's that kind of a person. I shared this link on facebook and she responded to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJi_7f1cpbk It is an artist she had heard of and loved. It was a song she had somehow not discovered previously. Her embrace and enthusiasm of the song really impacted me. You'd think that she would be just depressed and a mess as she listened to it. Maybe she was sometimes. She certainly was justified to feel some self-pity, but I never saw it. This song seemed to invigorate her. She believed it with every fiber of her being.
I had listened to it repeatedly before her comments, but afterward . . . I has become a calming song, rather than a ranting song. At her funeral, all I wanted to do was hug the people who loved her so much and thank them for what an amazing person they had enabled to be in my life. I wanted to tell them my selfish reasons for missing her. Since then, I have thought that I may have finally figured out what's important to do at funerals. I have attended many in the last 34 years, but this one left me feeling like a better person afterwards.
My goal was not self-congratulations or self-promotion. My goal was to maintain self-control enough to be a comfort there, rather than add to the grief. Keeping it together might be accurate as my goal heading in. However, when I approached her husband, who barely knew me, all I wanted to do was thank him for making my friend so happy. I did. He seemed surprised and said, "She made ME happy." Her mother embraced me so much more strongly than I expected. Apparently, my friend had talked about the ladies I attended the funeral with and about me, and she felt a connection. I never knew. I held her mother, cried with her, rocked her, and told her what an amazing woman she raised and how much I loved having her in my life. That is honestly what flowed from my heart and my mouth. She cried even harder, but also smiled.
Oh, to be the kind of person who could inspire this kind of reaction from others after I am gone . . . it is a new passionate ambition after this experience. She still inspires me to be a better person. Even though I miss her and still cry, I like remembering her. I feel a mix of sadness and pleasure at the memories. In order to have my Hallmark card moments, I would lose the tears and grief, but I'd also lose the richness and love and inspiration. Never would I choose such a thing!
There are other sadnesses in our lives that have less inspiration attached to them. Those take longer to see benefit from, in my experience. They are still part of me. Again, I would not trade them. If I did, I would no longer be the person I have come to like better with passing time. They were an opportunity and impetus to evolve as a person. They are valuable, even when they resulted in injuries, pain, or even a necessary chasm.
If you are in a sad season, and you want to embrace that right now, I hope you will. It's genuine and can be very honorable and healthy. It doesn't make your holidays a failure. We are trying to take the opportunity to start some new traditions, and also to do some one-time things this season. I hope that my friend's family misses her terribly & tells stories about her that make them cry and smile and laugh and wish she were there . . . Those are very valuable moments. That is a successful holiday season.
If you are estranged from family, as so many are, I hope you gather some chosen family or new friends and have fun. One of my favorite traditions was inspired by a casual friend whose family saw a movie on each holiday. They went in their pajamas, and it was never busy. I love movies. We are incorporating more of those into our holidays, and sometimes with new friends. It feels good. Different? Yes. Good? Definitely!
Wisdom is knowing that rich experiences are worth so much more than smiles and pretty hollow words. I wish you an inspirational holiday season. We celebrate Christmas, so I wish you Merry Christmas, but not in the sense of hollow pretty words. I hope it is time to reflect, make choices, relax, grow and sink into the moments. May they be warm ones, happy or otherwise.
Happy holidays is not a reality for everyone. Statistics attest to the fact that major health issues (that are complicated by stress like stroke and heart attack) go up during the holidays, and I'm sure it's not entirely from culinary overindulgence or increased debtload with holiday expenses. Worse yet, suicide rates go up during the holidays.
Life is not a Hallmark card, and the Hallmark company's spin on things has become a cause for derision from me. Why is it so bad that it's not a happy time for some? Most people who have gone through major struggles/trauma will attest to this conclusion. While they wouldn't wish it on others, they would not give up what they gained from the experience. Less than happy does not necessarily mean less than anything else. There is great value in the less euphoric emotions and seasons in life. They are real and valuable.
If you are in a happy season of life, I am genuinely happy for you. I hope that you can snuggle into that, basking in contentment or whatever positive experience you're in. Better than that, I hope it produces outflow that shows the best of you. That might mean smiling at strangers, financially supporting an amazing charity, doing amazing volunteer work, or simply being a bright spot in the daily lives of others just by being yourself. The last example reminds me of an amazing friend who has had a difficult year and yet is more present and thoughtful and generous than most people, even in the midst of difficulties. Such grace. . .
If you are not in a bright spot, my wish for you is a safe place to embrace the reality of your situation . . . your season . . . yourself. The things you are going through right now are part of you, reality and important. "Your story isn't boring, by the way. We're only given the one life. . . they matter. Maybe only to us, but they matter." ~ Tea Leoni as Gwen in Ghost Town.
One part of my life this year was the death of a friend. It was not the first time I had lost a friend "too young" - whatever that means. It will not be the last. It was not a quick or easy passing. There are opportunities and possibilities I grieve for her. I grieve for her husband who had too few years with her. I grieve for her mother, who never expected to bury her daughter. . . . so many possibilities for such an amazing person . . .
She continues to inspire me after her death. She's that kind of a person. I shared this link on facebook and she responded to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJi_7f1cpbk It is an artist she had heard of and loved. It was a song she had somehow not discovered previously. Her embrace and enthusiasm of the song really impacted me. You'd think that she would be just depressed and a mess as she listened to it. Maybe she was sometimes. She certainly was justified to feel some self-pity, but I never saw it. This song seemed to invigorate her. She believed it with every fiber of her being.
I had listened to it repeatedly before her comments, but afterward . . . I has become a calming song, rather than a ranting song. At her funeral, all I wanted to do was hug the people who loved her so much and thank them for what an amazing person they had enabled to be in my life. I wanted to tell them my selfish reasons for missing her. Since then, I have thought that I may have finally figured out what's important to do at funerals. I have attended many in the last 34 years, but this one left me feeling like a better person afterwards.
My goal was not self-congratulations or self-promotion. My goal was to maintain self-control enough to be a comfort there, rather than add to the grief. Keeping it together might be accurate as my goal heading in. However, when I approached her husband, who barely knew me, all I wanted to do was thank him for making my friend so happy. I did. He seemed surprised and said, "She made ME happy." Her mother embraced me so much more strongly than I expected. Apparently, my friend had talked about the ladies I attended the funeral with and about me, and she felt a connection. I never knew. I held her mother, cried with her, rocked her, and told her what an amazing woman she raised and how much I loved having her in my life. That is honestly what flowed from my heart and my mouth. She cried even harder, but also smiled.
Oh, to be the kind of person who could inspire this kind of reaction from others after I am gone . . . it is a new passionate ambition after this experience. She still inspires me to be a better person. Even though I miss her and still cry, I like remembering her. I feel a mix of sadness and pleasure at the memories. In order to have my Hallmark card moments, I would lose the tears and grief, but I'd also lose the richness and love and inspiration. Never would I choose such a thing!
There are other sadnesses in our lives that have less inspiration attached to them. Those take longer to see benefit from, in my experience. They are still part of me. Again, I would not trade them. If I did, I would no longer be the person I have come to like better with passing time. They were an opportunity and impetus to evolve as a person. They are valuable, even when they resulted in injuries, pain, or even a necessary chasm.
If you are in a sad season, and you want to embrace that right now, I hope you will. It's genuine and can be very honorable and healthy. It doesn't make your holidays a failure. We are trying to take the opportunity to start some new traditions, and also to do some one-time things this season. I hope that my friend's family misses her terribly & tells stories about her that make them cry and smile and laugh and wish she were there . . . Those are very valuable moments. That is a successful holiday season.
If you are estranged from family, as so many are, I hope you gather some chosen family or new friends and have fun. One of my favorite traditions was inspired by a casual friend whose family saw a movie on each holiday. They went in their pajamas, and it was never busy. I love movies. We are incorporating more of those into our holidays, and sometimes with new friends. It feels good. Different? Yes. Good? Definitely!
Wisdom is knowing that rich experiences are worth so much more than smiles and pretty hollow words. I wish you an inspirational holiday season. We celebrate Christmas, so I wish you Merry Christmas, but not in the sense of hollow pretty words. I hope it is time to reflect, make choices, relax, grow and sink into the moments. May they be warm ones, happy or otherwise.
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