I wrote a couple of posts ago about a book I'm reading by Steve Wiens called Beginnings.
It's taken me a long time between Chapter 5 and Chapter 6. During that time, we went on the longest family vacation we've ever taken, which was wonderful and beautiful and relaxing and connecting. There have also been the usual summer activities such as family gatherings and camp and yardwork - definitely in order of preference.
I was determined to get back on track. For those of you who didn't read my earlier post, I started reading this book from my list now because I'm anticipating the next chapter. My girl is a teen now. When I started this blog, she was clearly a child. An atypical, wonderful, challenging, and intense child. But still a child.
How can that only be a few years ago?
As the homeschooling mother of a teen, I have a few years left until I have a very definite deadline I'm working toward. All parents' job is to work themselves out of a job, and support our offspring into becoming independent. As a homeschooling parent, there's another dimension to that concept of working yourself out of a job. It feels bigger to me.
Today I turned on chapter 6 (on audible). The title of the chapter is Monsters.
Just yesterday I had texted a dear friend telling her that I needed to get my brain to shut up. I was panicking about things that are not timely and not helpful. She gets it. I knew she would. I got through it, but woke up today feeling very similar to yesterday and then hear that my next chapter is about facing my monsters. Timely? Terrifying? Yes and yes.
There are so many things in this chapter that I can relate to. My biggest monster right now has shown up in the last few weeks, in between these chapters. It affects me greatly, but also is the result of some very positive things, and they are not my things to share. I am striving to respect my teen's privacy and still engage in my own experience. You might feel that there are gaps. There are.
This blog's intent was to put some emotional support or at least acknowledge that you're not alone to future parents of highly gifted children. I didn't see much emotional resource when we first got started. So now, I'm back to focusing on the basics & what's mine to share - the emotions.
The word emotions doesn't sound like a strength to me. It certainly isn't used as a compliment in our society, or at least wasn't in the society and environment I grew up in. Being called emotional isn't something females see as a compliment. It feels demeaning, minimizing, and shameful.
This is ridiculous! People have emotions. If they didn't, they would be robots.
Over time, I have learned to see my emotions and emotional experiences as something worthwhile and genuine and worth sharing. I use that to serve a purpose. I try to support people and make sure struggling people don't think they're alone if I can relate. That is a strength. It's emotional, too.
As I face a very definite deadline of working myself out of a job, I am emotional. Graduation is a transition time for all parents. For me, it will also mean being laid off. And it's a good thing.
But I don't want it! Or more accurately, I'm afraid of it. I do want fulfillment and growth and indepence for my daughter. I fear and grieve for myself, not her. I never wanted to homeschool her. Now, I don't want to stop. So am I fearing change? Am I dealing with an imminent identity crisis? Are there exciting things ahead? Will I be bored? Will she stay closely connected to us? Will she live near us?
I don't know. And neither does she.
I'm learning to live with that. Because the things she wants will not look like what I want in many ways. And yet, just last week, she surprised herself and me by stating a definite opinion about lifestyle that exactly matches my own. Another recent one, I thought, "YES! Perfect!" and it was about something I personally would hate . . . . but I was thinking of her future, not mine.
My monster will be talking and dreaming about "her future", rather than "our future". I will cry and be sad, and she will know that. In fact, she smiles sometimes when she see it because she knows it's an expression of love. She feels good, even though she doesn't want me to be sad. I will repeat the mantra "I'm so proud of you!" even through those tears. I will tell her "I'm excited for you!" and "I'll miss you!" as we go through this chapter. And I'll have my days full of tears of self pity through the bittersweet changes.
That is my place of tension right now. And that's what chapter 6 of the book is about.
