As New Years approaches, we start thinking about all of the things we might set as New Years Resolutions. Losing weight is a popular one. Very popular. Interestingly, it's never been one I have chosen.
As a recovering perfectionist, resolutions are really hard for me. As one of my friends says, "That's why I don't try things. I know I'll fail." which is really one of the most popular presentations of perfectionism. My husband sets goals and they are actually something to aim for, whereas for me, they are a place to arrive. . . or else I have failed. Anyone relating to this?
Click here for a very respected source of a definition of the word "goal". The first definition is: something that you are trying to do or achieve. Note the word trying. As Star Wars came out recently, the immediate follow-up through my head is this Yoda clip which really doesn't help my perfectionistic side.
I think my husband actually has this concept right, and I have it wrong. Don't tell him so, lol! Trying is not necessarily achieving. That's where it can become an unhealthy control issue.
Over the last few weeks, the stress has actually increased again a few times in this house. I know, it doesn't seem possible, but that's really what has happened. We're resigned to stress being part of our lives all the time now. We can still work toward a healthier lifestyle in the midst of heavy stress.
During that time, M has been harder on herself than we've seen in a long time. Whenever something goes the least bit askew, she'll focus on what she "should have" done. I'm in favor of banning the word "should" or at least making it a swear word, so it is used less frequently in polite company. When I try to redirect her by saying, "It's no big deal, let's just focus and fix it." What I mean is, let's move forward. What literally happened last week is that she focused on that fact that she "should have _____" - YIKES!!! Not at all what I was looking for!
I think this gets us back to goals. The important part is the direction, not the desitnation. The trying rather than the achieving. The second part of that definition linked above is: an area or object into which a ball or puck must be hit, kicked, etc., to score points in various games. It's about the direction and the momentum. Something to aim for. There can be as much excitement and emotion in sports when goals are attempted as there are when they are achieved. Maybe there should be as much celebration in life over goals attempted, as well.
My most successful New Years Resolution (and one I repeated a number of times) was to finish more projects than I started. It's a a direction, rather than a destination. I enjoy a lot of things and tend to get in over my head. Not starting new things sounds very constrained and not very fun. Quitting feels like failure and leaves a bad taste in my mouth. A lot of my feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment are derived from finishing things, whatever the quality of the result. Therefore, finishing more than I start helped me reduce my in-progress projects, which also reduced my stress level without boxing me in. The other benefit is that it encouraged me to consider carefully when starting new things. I had a limitation on the quantity of new projects, so I chose the ones most meaningful and exciting to me.
A friend has been inspiring me by incorporating more exercise into her life, and another of our friends accurately pointed out that showing up at the gym each time is winning the battle. That brings me to the last definition of goal: the act of hitting, kicking, etc., a ball or puck into a goal or the score that results from doing this. This is the only definition of goal I had incorporated into my approach, when it's only one of 3, and the last stated. Let's celebrate making our goals when we do, and the direction we aim when we don't get all the way to where we want to.
Please join me in phrasing the goal AS the direction. Make more exercise is the goal, rather than the weight or clothing size you wore when you were 18 if you're now 50, for example. That way you can celebrate getting your body into the gym as scoring a goal based on that last definition.
This post may not sound like it's about gifted kids and education, but it is. For you see, gifted kids grow into gifted adults. And most parents of gifted kids that I know learned things from their parents. Some of those things are not what the parents wanted to teach. Kids learn by watching. When we help ourselves adopt a healthy approach and lifestyle (in terms of thoughts as well as bodies), we help the children watching us.
Happy New Year!!
