We are still around, and I'm not yet ready to reengage as much as I'd like with this blog, but wanted to share something I just read.
"What is similar . . . is that all of these gifted children have an intense passion to understand and master whatever is making them curious. They are extremely quick to learn and do not give up until they fully understand what they are curious about. They are persistent about needing to know and will pursue their passion over their lifetime." ~ Barbara Klein, Ph.D. in Raising Gifted Kids
This is the shortest description of what giftedness is that has ever rung true to me. Thought I'd share it. I think there must exist a better label than gifted, with all its stigmas. I think intense might be the closest word I have considered.
This was also helpful to me. A few years in, this is the closest "right answer" I have found to the question of what to do about it:
"Simple as it may sound, you need to listen to and observe your child. Then you need to react to your inner thoughts and understanding about your child, Your job is to always react when your child is communicating with you. [YIKES! This is all the time in our home!!!!!] A parent's reactions are so telling, important and truthful. You need to learn to trust yourself and your instincts about your child. Your parenting will go forward more easily because your children will be seen and valued for who they are . . . . They 'best way' or the 'right way' to deal with a gifted child is to gradually acknowledge, and come to accept, that you are facing a challenge. By a country mile, your child will not be the easiest kid on the block to raise because of his or her energy, curiosity, intelligence, and sensitivity. . . . Parenting a gifted child is truly a challenge."
~ Barbara Klein, Ph.D. in Raising Gifted Kids
Has anyone else been told how nice and easy it must be to have a gifted child? If so, was anyone else tempted to slap the person who said it? ;)
Our life is full of sorrow and joy both right now. We are soaking up all the time we can with a beloved relative who is terminally ill. If you know me personally or if you have followed this blog from earlier times, you may remember that we had a lot of death and grief previously - about a year ago was the end of a 9 month season that included 4 funerals. As those of you who can relate to the above sections, you can imagine how this complicates the life of a homeschooler of a gifted child. Your thoughts, prayers, positive vides, good juju, and patience are appreciated. :)
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Thursday, November 6, 2014
How do you feel when you read "Smarter Than Others"?
That phrase is the title of an Internet posting. When I read the phrase, I cringe a little. There is so much stigma and assumed pride (and not the good kind) in that kind of phrase. I think it's the word "than" that gets me. Maybe it's an oversimplification, but why can't we just be different and have that be OK?
When it comes up that M's IQ is higher than many, some assume it means that we are saying "better than" which we absolutely are not. Ever! I know of some examples of people with high IQ who I definitely value less than some with lower IQs - this is not about the value of the individual. It is about the way they process information.
When they are talking about this, they are not calling anyone dumb or stupid in the article. This is not about degrading anyone else. Everyone has value. Everyone.
This is the section of that article that resonates with me most, however:
In her book The Gifted Adult: A Revolutionary Guide for Liberating Everyday Genius, Mary-Elaine Jacobsen writes, “To feel like an outsider, to constantly pressure yourself to hold back your gifts in order to fit in or avoid disapproval, to erroneously believe that you are overly sensitive, compulsively perfectionistic, and blindly driven, to live without knowing the basic truths about the core of your being – too often this is the life of Everyday Geniuses who have been kept in the dark about who they are and misinformed about their differences.”
I am understanding myself better as I learn about my daughter. So much of what I am reading related to her life reminds me of my own.
Steve Jobs saw his father as smart, according to the article. I think his father was. If he could figure out anything mechanical, that is an area of intelligence that some people simply don't have. If his father had it, he was smart that way. I don't know what his IQ was, but I am uncomfortable about how the article portrays the parents of gifted children.
In my experience, most parents of gifted children feel like their kids are smarter than they are. I know I do frequently. However, I think it's a dangerous place to go. It's simply not true in a literal way. Not in my opinion, at least. I think there are a lot of the aforementioned Everyday Geniuses who are unaware of their label. It does not change who they are, but it does affect how they process things and function. I meet so many families where I can clearly see the similarities, yet they say things like "I don't think of my children as gifted." (a real life example from the last couple of weeks), and I felt the same way. I simply didn't know.
As test scores go, my husband has a higher intelligence than I do. However, when it comes to mechanical things, I tend to be the more successful one in many instances. Add the gender stereotypes to this and it makes for an uncomfortable situation at times. Does that mean I'm dumb? No. Does it mean he is? No.
I was involved in a few conversations recently about how some parents who choose to stay home and/or homeschool are seen as wasted potential. It's a reality in some cases. One of the amazing women I've been getting to know better completed med school. She is at home with kids and homeschooling. I do NOT consider that wasted potential. She is investing in the future in every possible way. However, I know another woman in a similar situation who would not consider making the same decision, despite being advised that her children have a similar need by an educational psychologist. Why? I'm sure she would disagree, but quite simply, it's pride and fear. She feels she needs to use her medical degree, and is proud of her accomplishment in that area. It's tied to her self-worth. The previous example sees her choice as a valuable one and feels she is using her medical degree in the health of her children and everyday life in many ways.
I have heard some talented writers talk about reactions to their choice to homeschool as wasted potential, as well. First of all, they are still writing. They are still working. I do not work for pay at this time, but many of homeschooling parents do. They have found a way to work and homsechool in one simultaneous lifetime. I am utterly amazed but them.
Here's what I want to know overall. Why would investing time and attention into children ever be seen as less important? Isn't that our future? Why on earth would we want people who are perceived as less capable to be the only ones working with our children? Seriously, even if we bought into all these stereotypes, doesn't that rub anyone else the wrong way?
If we want them in the best schools, headed for the best careers and in the best internships, why wouldn't we want them around the best people? However you define best, this does not make sense to me. I want my kid to have the best, just as others do. I define that as what makes her happiest, so long as it also leaves her functional in life, as far as paying bills, reading mail, and staying relatively healthy. This was our goal for her before we knew her IQ. Knowing her IQ was not our plan. Now that we do, our goal for her remains the same. All the IQ test did for us was help us understand how to facilitate that goal in her life.
Wishing you the freedom to pursue happiness in whatever way that presents itself in your life, and freedom from the pressure of any expectations that inhibit happiness.
When it comes up that M's IQ is higher than many, some assume it means that we are saying "better than" which we absolutely are not. Ever! I know of some examples of people with high IQ who I definitely value less than some with lower IQs - this is not about the value of the individual. It is about the way they process information.
When they are talking about this, they are not calling anyone dumb or stupid in the article. This is not about degrading anyone else. Everyone has value. Everyone.
This is the section of that article that resonates with me most, however:
In her book The Gifted Adult: A Revolutionary Guide for Liberating Everyday Genius, Mary-Elaine Jacobsen writes, “To feel like an outsider, to constantly pressure yourself to hold back your gifts in order to fit in or avoid disapproval, to erroneously believe that you are overly sensitive, compulsively perfectionistic, and blindly driven, to live without knowing the basic truths about the core of your being – too often this is the life of Everyday Geniuses who have been kept in the dark about who they are and misinformed about their differences.”
I am understanding myself better as I learn about my daughter. So much of what I am reading related to her life reminds me of my own.
Steve Jobs saw his father as smart, according to the article. I think his father was. If he could figure out anything mechanical, that is an area of intelligence that some people simply don't have. If his father had it, he was smart that way. I don't know what his IQ was, but I am uncomfortable about how the article portrays the parents of gifted children.
In my experience, most parents of gifted children feel like their kids are smarter than they are. I know I do frequently. However, I think it's a dangerous place to go. It's simply not true in a literal way. Not in my opinion, at least. I think there are a lot of the aforementioned Everyday Geniuses who are unaware of their label. It does not change who they are, but it does affect how they process things and function. I meet so many families where I can clearly see the similarities, yet they say things like "I don't think of my children as gifted." (a real life example from the last couple of weeks), and I felt the same way. I simply didn't know.
As test scores go, my husband has a higher intelligence than I do. However, when it comes to mechanical things, I tend to be the more successful one in many instances. Add the gender stereotypes to this and it makes for an uncomfortable situation at times. Does that mean I'm dumb? No. Does it mean he is? No.
I was involved in a few conversations recently about how some parents who choose to stay home and/or homeschool are seen as wasted potential. It's a reality in some cases. One of the amazing women I've been getting to know better completed med school. She is at home with kids and homeschooling. I do NOT consider that wasted potential. She is investing in the future in every possible way. However, I know another woman in a similar situation who would not consider making the same decision, despite being advised that her children have a similar need by an educational psychologist. Why? I'm sure she would disagree, but quite simply, it's pride and fear. She feels she needs to use her medical degree, and is proud of her accomplishment in that area. It's tied to her self-worth. The previous example sees her choice as a valuable one and feels she is using her medical degree in the health of her children and everyday life in many ways.
I have heard some talented writers talk about reactions to their choice to homeschool as wasted potential, as well. First of all, they are still writing. They are still working. I do not work for pay at this time, but many of homeschooling parents do. They have found a way to work and homsechool in one simultaneous lifetime. I am utterly amazed but them.
Here's what I want to know overall. Why would investing time and attention into children ever be seen as less important? Isn't that our future? Why on earth would we want people who are perceived as less capable to be the only ones working with our children? Seriously, even if we bought into all these stereotypes, doesn't that rub anyone else the wrong way?
If we want them in the best schools, headed for the best careers and in the best internships, why wouldn't we want them around the best people? However you define best, this does not make sense to me. I want my kid to have the best, just as others do. I define that as what makes her happiest, so long as it also leaves her functional in life, as far as paying bills, reading mail, and staying relatively healthy. This was our goal for her before we knew her IQ. Knowing her IQ was not our plan. Now that we do, our goal for her remains the same. All the IQ test did for us was help us understand how to facilitate that goal in her life.
Wishing you the freedom to pursue happiness in whatever way that presents itself in your life, and freedom from the pressure of any expectations that inhibit happiness.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Frozen - a movie about a powerfully gifted girl
We just watched Frozen again. Tonight, I saw it in a whole different light, even though I have seen it many times. Considering an entire room full of kids of various ages started singing "Let It Go" in a swim school waiting area, I'm sure many know the story line. For those of you who don't, consider this your spoiler alert.
Elsa, the elder daughter and future queen starts the movie showing us all sorts of fun and creative ways she has learned to use her snow and ice powers to creatively play with her sister and bring them both delight. Watching gifted kids play imaginatively is so amazing, isn't it? In the area of play, every child has an area of giftedness, in my mind. The magic in my eyes is the delight in the expression of anyone playing in a way that brings them delight.
An accident happens, Anna, the beloved sister gets hurt, but in fairness, this is more due to Anna's choices than Elsa's, and throwing in the one and only time in the movie that Elsa slips on ice . . . . sorry, but I am OCD about story consistencies . . . . moving on.
The trolls heal Anna, but remove all memory of magic, just to be safe. I don't really understand the "safe" concept. Life is not safe. We can go through life trying to make it so, but it won't be. Also, why would her memory of magic be unsafe? This is never explained in the movie. They also warn Elsa that fear will be her enemy throughout her life. and that she must learn to control her power.
The parents react protectively, urging Elsa to keep it a secret, and not to feel. She adopts this mantra that is all about denying a powerful gift she has, and it is centered on fear, rather than control. In order to control something, mustn't we embrace it? If fear is the enemy, why focus on it and instill it?
When her powers are revealed just following her coronation, of course she flees in terror. So, now on to the famous earworm song that parents everywhere know . . . . "Let It Go" If you are unfamiliar with the song (or even if you are), take a moment to check out this video. It is my favorite version, and a short one.
Earlier in the song than that clip, she talks about the good girl she always has to be: "don't let them see, don't let them know. Well now they know." She then started deliberately using her powers for the first time in the movie since her sister was hurt. What she builds is beautiful and amazing, and is something that will be gracing many walls and frames for years to come, I'm sure. How? She uses a tremendous, unusual power with control.
However, she is wracked with guilt, believing she has let people down and done something wrong. It's not the truth, but the result of years of misinterpretation and good intentions gone wrong. Can anyone else think of examples of this from other characters in stories? People in the media? Family members? Criminals? Seriously, the worst criminals are really really gifted in what they do.
We aren't supposed to talk about highly gifted individuals, especially as highly biased parents. We might make someone feel bad about their child who is unique and wonderful (or difficult and challenging) in a different way. So, we raise the kids protectively, and coach them to keep their incredible talents hidden, and to look like and act like everyone else. Then, they start to believe that being different, even in very positive ways, is a bad thing.
Is that what we intend as parents? Of course not. However, they learn it nonetheless. I did. My daughter did. I know so many who did and have not yet begun to embrace their own atypicialities that make them amazing and beautiful and talented . . . even into adulthood. It's a tragedy. A tragedy for them, and a tragedy for everyone who might have been positively impacted by them.
Before we understood the ways M was unique, she felt bad about herself. She knew she was different in some ways, and she assumed that made her weird and was bad. In fact, she assumed she was failing school, which was never even close to true. None of the teachers or other school staff or family members believed that or wanted her to feel that way, but she did.
Once we got some good input, we were connected with other families with similar atypicalities and her whole world changed. She has a place where it is safe to be herself, atypicalities and all (and where I can be completely nuts and be accepted, too). Now that we have had that for a while, she is thriving. She is thriving in that group, and she is thriving in more mainstream groups, and in sports and all over the place. Are they all full of people with the same unique qualities? Of course not! It took just one place she could be safe and be herself, and all the rest of it fell into place.
I think one of the most evil things in the world is the concept that anyone is alone in anything. If you are struggling with something, or have a passion that is unusual, or an interest that your family doesn't understand, find people who do. I don't believe that any one quality can be held by only one person. Ever. You are not alone! M is not alone, and neither are her parents.
So, be inspired by Elsa, and embrace and control your specialities, whatever they may be. Also, be like Anna, who loves her sister and never becomes afraid of her, despite being hurt. People make mistakes. Noone goes through life without wounding others, just as noone goes through life without receiving wounds. Let's challenge ourselves to see this ever-present recent movie to inspire us to live as better people and interact with people around us in a better way, no matter the label - on them or you!
Wishing you warmth and love as the temperatures drop.
Elsa, the elder daughter and future queen starts the movie showing us all sorts of fun and creative ways she has learned to use her snow and ice powers to creatively play with her sister and bring them both delight. Watching gifted kids play imaginatively is so amazing, isn't it? In the area of play, every child has an area of giftedness, in my mind. The magic in my eyes is the delight in the expression of anyone playing in a way that brings them delight.
An accident happens, Anna, the beloved sister gets hurt, but in fairness, this is more due to Anna's choices than Elsa's, and throwing in the one and only time in the movie that Elsa slips on ice . . . . sorry, but I am OCD about story consistencies . . . . moving on.
The trolls heal Anna, but remove all memory of magic, just to be safe. I don't really understand the "safe" concept. Life is not safe. We can go through life trying to make it so, but it won't be. Also, why would her memory of magic be unsafe? This is never explained in the movie. They also warn Elsa that fear will be her enemy throughout her life. and that she must learn to control her power.
The parents react protectively, urging Elsa to keep it a secret, and not to feel. She adopts this mantra that is all about denying a powerful gift she has, and it is centered on fear, rather than control. In order to control something, mustn't we embrace it? If fear is the enemy, why focus on it and instill it?
When her powers are revealed just following her coronation, of course she flees in terror. So, now on to the famous earworm song that parents everywhere know . . . . "Let It Go" If you are unfamiliar with the song (or even if you are), take a moment to check out this video. It is my favorite version, and a short one.
Earlier in the song than that clip, she talks about the good girl she always has to be: "don't let them see, don't let them know. Well now they know." She then started deliberately using her powers for the first time in the movie since her sister was hurt. What she builds is beautiful and amazing, and is something that will be gracing many walls and frames for years to come, I'm sure. How? She uses a tremendous, unusual power with control.
However, she is wracked with guilt, believing she has let people down and done something wrong. It's not the truth, but the result of years of misinterpretation and good intentions gone wrong. Can anyone else think of examples of this from other characters in stories? People in the media? Family members? Criminals? Seriously, the worst criminals are really really gifted in what they do.
We aren't supposed to talk about highly gifted individuals, especially as highly biased parents. We might make someone feel bad about their child who is unique and wonderful (or difficult and challenging) in a different way. So, we raise the kids protectively, and coach them to keep their incredible talents hidden, and to look like and act like everyone else. Then, they start to believe that being different, even in very positive ways, is a bad thing.
Is that what we intend as parents? Of course not. However, they learn it nonetheless. I did. My daughter did. I know so many who did and have not yet begun to embrace their own atypicialities that make them amazing and beautiful and talented . . . even into adulthood. It's a tragedy. A tragedy for them, and a tragedy for everyone who might have been positively impacted by them.
Before we understood the ways M was unique, she felt bad about herself. She knew she was different in some ways, and she assumed that made her weird and was bad. In fact, she assumed she was failing school, which was never even close to true. None of the teachers or other school staff or family members believed that or wanted her to feel that way, but she did.
Once we got some good input, we were connected with other families with similar atypicalities and her whole world changed. She has a place where it is safe to be herself, atypicalities and all (and where I can be completely nuts and be accepted, too). Now that we have had that for a while, she is thriving. She is thriving in that group, and she is thriving in more mainstream groups, and in sports and all over the place. Are they all full of people with the same unique qualities? Of course not! It took just one place she could be safe and be herself, and all the rest of it fell into place.
I think one of the most evil things in the world is the concept that anyone is alone in anything. If you are struggling with something, or have a passion that is unusual, or an interest that your family doesn't understand, find people who do. I don't believe that any one quality can be held by only one person. Ever. You are not alone! M is not alone, and neither are her parents.
So, be inspired by Elsa, and embrace and control your specialities, whatever they may be. Also, be like Anna, who loves her sister and never becomes afraid of her, despite being hurt. People make mistakes. Noone goes through life without wounding others, just as noone goes through life without receiving wounds. Let's challenge ourselves to see this ever-present recent movie to inspire us to live as better people and interact with people around us in a better way, no matter the label - on them or you!
Wishing you warmth and love as the temperatures drop.
Handling changes and obvious atypicality
It's interesting that I posted not long ago about the art of ending well. At the time, my observations and thoughts were all about other people's endings, and trying to related my emotions to past experiences in order to process changes in one particular environment.
Since then, there have been numerous changes in our own lives, and I am challenged to handle those changes gracefully, and may get another opportunity to end something well. Hopefully, each new ending we face will be one I handle better than the last.
We are visiting a new educational environment this upcoming week. If you know me personally, please don't freak out! Only a few people have heard this from me directly, and it's nothing to do with any deficiency anywhere. As is her pattern M looks like she might be ready now for the plan I anticipated next Fall. I shouldn't be surprised. Actually, I'm feeling mostly tired. The short version is that these few months following vision therapy completion were impossible to predict, and we are trying to roll with it. "He just rolls. It's cool how he rolls" ~ The Invisible Man in Hotel Transylvania, in honor of Halloween yesterday :)
The next place we are exploring is one that my husband has been enthusiastic about, and he is taking a day off of work to visit with us. What cracks me up is his supervisor's reaction. M and I have met his current supervisor only once [because he recently switched positions within the company]. When he asked for the day off to visit "a new school" (not the terminology I would use - coop is closer), apparently his supervisor was scared. Isn't that adorable?! Is it just me? What he actually said to my husband was, "you're not putting that child into public school are you?!" My husband laughed and quickly said no, and his supervisor expressed relief. This man met us only once, is not opposed to public school options, and durring a short, unannounced stop at the office one afternoon, and it was clear to him. That pretty much tells our story related to meeting new people.
It makes me remember my friend R talking with me about all of this stuff years ago. She said, "Just don't talk about it with people," after I had expressed frustration that we cannot go anywhere without facing the uniqueness of our situation head on. Well, her son is now older and she is facing it, too. I am small enough to laugh at her and we still get along well :). You see, M talks. To everyone. All. The. Time.
I don't want my girl to grow up feeling that she has to hide herself or conform or fit into expectations. Being polite and respectful is required. Becoming a carbon copy of anyone else or fitting into a cookie cutter shape is not even desirable. Balancing those things is quite difficult for me to figure out in some situations.
Which brings me back to our visit this upcoming week . . . . it's not a special interest environment, so they will not be expecting an atypical child. Well, they are expecting a homeschooled child, so they will be expecting that degree of atypicality, I'll admit . . . Beyond that, they have no information about our unique situation. How should I prepare her?
Growing up, I would have been advised to be quiet and observe, and to smile and be attentive. Many of us would have been told similar things. Of course I want her to smile and be attentive. Observe? Absolutely! Be quiet? Never. Going. To. Happen. I don't want her to stifle what is a big part of her. Does it annoy me sometimes? OF COURSE! However, I do it, too, and I want her to grow up embracing the person God made her to be - or, if you prefer - to be the person she was born to be. She is amazing, unquenchably curious, irrepressibly enthusiastic, completely precocious, and many other admirable and (to be honest) irritating things.
No matter how it turns out, we will be keeping some of our routine the same. If it goes really well, we will be altering part of our schedule to incorporate this new thing in the Spring term, and I'll have yet another opportunity to practice the art of ending well. A week ago, I did not know this was coming. Gotta roll with it. Wish me luck in being the mother she needs me to be.
Since then, there have been numerous changes in our own lives, and I am challenged to handle those changes gracefully, and may get another opportunity to end something well. Hopefully, each new ending we face will be one I handle better than the last.
We are visiting a new educational environment this upcoming week. If you know me personally, please don't freak out! Only a few people have heard this from me directly, and it's nothing to do with any deficiency anywhere. As is her pattern M looks like she might be ready now for the plan I anticipated next Fall. I shouldn't be surprised. Actually, I'm feeling mostly tired. The short version is that these few months following vision therapy completion were impossible to predict, and we are trying to roll with it. "He just rolls. It's cool how he rolls" ~ The Invisible Man in Hotel Transylvania, in honor of Halloween yesterday :)
The next place we are exploring is one that my husband has been enthusiastic about, and he is taking a day off of work to visit with us. What cracks me up is his supervisor's reaction. M and I have met his current supervisor only once [because he recently switched positions within the company]. When he asked for the day off to visit "a new school" (not the terminology I would use - coop is closer), apparently his supervisor was scared. Isn't that adorable?! Is it just me? What he actually said to my husband was, "you're not putting that child into public school are you?!" My husband laughed and quickly said no, and his supervisor expressed relief. This man met us only once, is not opposed to public school options, and durring a short, unannounced stop at the office one afternoon, and it was clear to him. That pretty much tells our story related to meeting new people.
It makes me remember my friend R talking with me about all of this stuff years ago. She said, "Just don't talk about it with people," after I had expressed frustration that we cannot go anywhere without facing the uniqueness of our situation head on. Well, her son is now older and she is facing it, too. I am small enough to laugh at her and we still get along well :). You see, M talks. To everyone. All. The. Time.
I don't want my girl to grow up feeling that she has to hide herself or conform or fit into expectations. Being polite and respectful is required. Becoming a carbon copy of anyone else or fitting into a cookie cutter shape is not even desirable. Balancing those things is quite difficult for me to figure out in some situations.
Which brings me back to our visit this upcoming week . . . . it's not a special interest environment, so they will not be expecting an atypical child. Well, they are expecting a homeschooled child, so they will be expecting that degree of atypicality, I'll admit . . . Beyond that, they have no information about our unique situation. How should I prepare her?
Growing up, I would have been advised to be quiet and observe, and to smile and be attentive. Many of us would have been told similar things. Of course I want her to smile and be attentive. Observe? Absolutely! Be quiet? Never. Going. To. Happen. I don't want her to stifle what is a big part of her. Does it annoy me sometimes? OF COURSE! However, I do it, too, and I want her to grow up embracing the person God made her to be - or, if you prefer - to be the person she was born to be. She is amazing, unquenchably curious, irrepressibly enthusiastic, completely precocious, and many other admirable and (to be honest) irritating things.
No matter how it turns out, we will be keeping some of our routine the same. If it goes really well, we will be altering part of our schedule to incorporate this new thing in the Spring term, and I'll have yet another opportunity to practice the art of ending well. A week ago, I did not know this was coming. Gotta roll with it. Wish me luck in being the mother she needs me to be.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
How does Fall affect you? Family dynamics
Hi all,
I am struck by the changing season again this year. In some ways, our season change has been mild, and in some ways more extreme.
Tired is my general state of being during the Fall, and that's probably an understatement. I get dark circles so severe that people wonder if I have black eyes. Solution? Wear more makeup :)
Excited is M's general state of being during the Fall. She loves everything about it, and she gets ecstatic for all the Fall activities and schedules, since it means the poor only child gets to be around other kids a lot more often. At least, she thinks she's around other kids more often. I'm not sure if it's really that significant a change. However, her mama is a homebody, so it's probably a true account. When coops and sports start for Fall, we get a busier schedule.
Tired mama, and excited girl. Does this mean energy is leaking from one to the other?
Our whole family has allergies, however, including a dog on medication. Yes, literally. This leads to a lot of easily confused beings in the same house. I sleep through my alarm. M forgets things, the dogs gets goofy and itchy which is distracting, I forget things. My husband denies that he forgets things. With all this forgetting comes even more activity and chaos.
For instance, returning home for forgotten things on a regular basis. Or running to the grocery store during coop because the lunch bag that M took out of the fridge never made it into the bag we brought, and I assumed we were fine upon seeing said bag in the car. . .
You get the idea. That was all in one morning, and only a partial account.
My throat gets itchy and I love that my cousin carries a toothbrush just to scratch his itchy pallet during allergy season. I, on the other hand, drink carbonated beverages. They help clear the phlegm from my throat, reduce coughing and itching, and contain caffeine to combat the fatigue that leads to sleeping through the alarm that lasts a full hour (literally . . . unfortunately).
And, of course, when I'm drinking more caffeine, it leads to increased chaos and activity. Manic energy, you could say.
Do you see the spiral effect? Does it sound relaxing? Anyone with me on this? Anyone have a solution for me? In the meantime, I'll add more soda to the grocery list.
Hope you're having a fun fall filled with changing colors of leaves, pumpkins, squash, apples, and more!
I am struck by the changing season again this year. In some ways, our season change has been mild, and in some ways more extreme.
Tired is my general state of being during the Fall, and that's probably an understatement. I get dark circles so severe that people wonder if I have black eyes. Solution? Wear more makeup :)
Excited is M's general state of being during the Fall. She loves everything about it, and she gets ecstatic for all the Fall activities and schedules, since it means the poor only child gets to be around other kids a lot more often. At least, she thinks she's around other kids more often. I'm not sure if it's really that significant a change. However, her mama is a homebody, so it's probably a true account. When coops and sports start for Fall, we get a busier schedule.
Tired mama, and excited girl. Does this mean energy is leaking from one to the other?
Our whole family has allergies, however, including a dog on medication. Yes, literally. This leads to a lot of easily confused beings in the same house. I sleep through my alarm. M forgets things, the dogs gets goofy and itchy which is distracting, I forget things. My husband denies that he forgets things. With all this forgetting comes even more activity and chaos.
For instance, returning home for forgotten things on a regular basis. Or running to the grocery store during coop because the lunch bag that M took out of the fridge never made it into the bag we brought, and I assumed we were fine upon seeing said bag in the car. . .
You get the idea. That was all in one morning, and only a partial account.
My throat gets itchy and I love that my cousin carries a toothbrush just to scratch his itchy pallet during allergy season. I, on the other hand, drink carbonated beverages. They help clear the phlegm from my throat, reduce coughing and itching, and contain caffeine to combat the fatigue that leads to sleeping through the alarm that lasts a full hour (literally . . . unfortunately).
And, of course, when I'm drinking more caffeine, it leads to increased chaos and activity. Manic energy, you could say.
Do you see the spiral effect? Does it sound relaxing? Anyone with me on this? Anyone have a solution for me? In the meantime, I'll add more soda to the grocery list.
Hope you're having a fun fall filled with changing colors of leaves, pumpkins, squash, apples, and more!
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Other people are irritating and wonderful & the art of ending well.
In general, I love irony. Seriously, I do. People, however, are not always entertaining in their inconsistencies.
It has been a long time since my last post. I apologize for the long silence. I mentioned that we had a lot of drama in our lives. Multiple deaths and family estrangements add up to a heap of stress. This summer, I spent a great deal of time trying to heal and work through grief. M did some of that, as well, and my husband did more than M did (but less than I did). As the school year approached, I was not prepared to reenter the busier schedule of homeschooling and coops and sports. I wanted more time to heal. My wounds make me much more touchy about things that would otherwise be less irritating. I'm still raw.
I believe C.S. Lewis said something like "The best thing Christianity has going for it is Christians. The worst thing Christianity has going against it is Christians." I agree. I think it applies to other groups, as well.
In past posts, I've talked about the stereotypes of gifted children and gifted families and (pushy & proud, of course) moms of gifted kids. I think C.S. Lewis could adequately sum up those situations with only minor alterations to his quote paraphrased above.
We belong to two separate coops. Neither of them is religious in nature, and both of them meet in churches. One of them is a special interest coop for highly gifted kids. The other is an all-inclusive coop that M cannot wait to get to each week. We are very blessed to be a part of both of them. They are very different from each other & both are a good fit for M.
Both coops also have wonderful volunteers that sacrifice out of strong belief in and dedication to children and education. I briefly held a position at one of them, and it helped me appreciate these people all the more. They have a difficult job. Here's a universal truth noone likes: you cannot please everyone.
With an atypical child, I have run across many situations that were not a good fit for M. Some of those were great programs for other people we know. I try to be careful when talking about our decisions, and I try to be honest while keeping my focus on the fact that I am making decisions for M and that M is different than other children, so other children may need different arrangements. I hope I am mostly successful in this effort.
There have been situations where M has been accelerated, or put into a higher age bracket for a class. Some of these have been great fits, satisfying to everyone. Some of them pleased everyone but me. Some of them displeased a teacher, etc. Currently, M has chosen not to be accelerated in a subject that she loves with a teacher that she loves. Why? Because she wants to take some other classes that would not be possible if she took advantage of that teacher's invitation. Everyone has been (outwardly) accepting of the decision, and it seems to be working well for everyone involved.
Another family that we know is newer to homeschooling, newer to the knowledge of the gifted child concept, and . . . . apparently less careful about keeping their communication about themselves. Some more generalized comments have been made, interpreted as criticisms and there is a lot of stress in a lot of quarters over the situation. This is very difficult for me. I get very emotional about it.
Part of me wants to defend the family, as they are doing their best for a child with some similar struggles to my own. I see myself in the situation a while back. Part of me wants to defend the volunteers since I can relate to this, as well. The problem is that I disagree with the approach, and see people that I love and respect feeling very hurt by the situation on a regular basis. It is being posed as a "giftedness" thing. That includes us in the category, and it's a situation where I'd prefer not to be included.
When M was in a situation that didn't work out, we pulled her out. We asked if they could do anything about payments, but didn't make demands, and in many cases, never asked for specific numbers. Most of the time, the people/organizations were quite generous. They can't please everyone either.
If you cannot please everyone, then you cannot create a situation that will work for everyone. That is straightforward logic. This is where I think our culture needs to learn the art of ending well. Endings are inevitable. Nothing lasts forever. After losing so many loved ones in the last year this is very clear to me. However, I think few people are intentional and good at ending well. There will be so many endings in life that I feel this is something worth learning.
For example, the school system did not work for M (as readers of this blog know). The teachers were wonderful. She had delightful friends who just sat and cried with her, wishing they could help. The principal cried with me, wishing he could help. The school psychologist tried everything she could, trying her best to help. They wanted M to stay in school, and we wanted it to work for her. It did not work. So many individuals at that school taught me about ending well.
When we realized it wasn't going to work, we told M she had to finish the semester and "end well." We asked that she try and make it as pleasant for everyone as she could during the ending. We pointed out how many wonderful people had done so much to try and help, and she agreed. She saw the concern and care from those individuals, and I thanked them for their assistance and concern with tears in my eyes. I was and am grateful for them, even though it did not work in the end. I got some cards in the mail with Scripture on them, encouraging us in our decision. They were from teachers we knew to be Christian, but from a public school where they could not openly use Scripture, so the cards were sent anonymously. We had multiple teachers applaud our dedication to M in our decision-making, saying that our level of concern as parents meant that it would work out well for her. They were grateful she had us. That blew me away!
We ended school well. It was a great school, full of wonderful people. It did not work for M. If you are dissatisfied with something in your life, I encourage you to move on and try to end well. I believe it will make life better for so many people that want nothing but the best for you and yours. However, they are also bound to the universal truth that you cannot please everyone. They are not responsible for meeting every individual need, especially if they are volunteers in an organization that is not making money.
I enoucrage you to start something today. Practice gratitude by thanking those who are doing a job that you don't have to do yourself. Hug someone who is going through a hard time. Send a card (or flowers or something yummy to eat) to someone who could use a little cheer. Try to reperesent your various categories and groups (like Christian or gifted) in a way that communicates acceptance and encouragment and gratitude fo those both within and outside that description. Be kind to yourself and to others. Have a peaceful and loving weekend. You don't know how much time you will have. Spend it well.
It has been a long time since my last post. I apologize for the long silence. I mentioned that we had a lot of drama in our lives. Multiple deaths and family estrangements add up to a heap of stress. This summer, I spent a great deal of time trying to heal and work through grief. M did some of that, as well, and my husband did more than M did (but less than I did). As the school year approached, I was not prepared to reenter the busier schedule of homeschooling and coops and sports. I wanted more time to heal. My wounds make me much more touchy about things that would otherwise be less irritating. I'm still raw.
I believe C.S. Lewis said something like "The best thing Christianity has going for it is Christians. The worst thing Christianity has going against it is Christians." I agree. I think it applies to other groups, as well.
In past posts, I've talked about the stereotypes of gifted children and gifted families and (pushy & proud, of course) moms of gifted kids. I think C.S. Lewis could adequately sum up those situations with only minor alterations to his quote paraphrased above.
We belong to two separate coops. Neither of them is religious in nature, and both of them meet in churches. One of them is a special interest coop for highly gifted kids. The other is an all-inclusive coop that M cannot wait to get to each week. We are very blessed to be a part of both of them. They are very different from each other & both are a good fit for M.
Both coops also have wonderful volunteers that sacrifice out of strong belief in and dedication to children and education. I briefly held a position at one of them, and it helped me appreciate these people all the more. They have a difficult job. Here's a universal truth noone likes: you cannot please everyone.
With an atypical child, I have run across many situations that were not a good fit for M. Some of those were great programs for other people we know. I try to be careful when talking about our decisions, and I try to be honest while keeping my focus on the fact that I am making decisions for M and that M is different than other children, so other children may need different arrangements. I hope I am mostly successful in this effort.
There have been situations where M has been accelerated, or put into a higher age bracket for a class. Some of these have been great fits, satisfying to everyone. Some of them pleased everyone but me. Some of them displeased a teacher, etc. Currently, M has chosen not to be accelerated in a subject that she loves with a teacher that she loves. Why? Because she wants to take some other classes that would not be possible if she took advantage of that teacher's invitation. Everyone has been (outwardly) accepting of the decision, and it seems to be working well for everyone involved.
Another family that we know is newer to homeschooling, newer to the knowledge of the gifted child concept, and . . . . apparently less careful about keeping their communication about themselves. Some more generalized comments have been made, interpreted as criticisms and there is a lot of stress in a lot of quarters over the situation. This is very difficult for me. I get very emotional about it.
Part of me wants to defend the family, as they are doing their best for a child with some similar struggles to my own. I see myself in the situation a while back. Part of me wants to defend the volunteers since I can relate to this, as well. The problem is that I disagree with the approach, and see people that I love and respect feeling very hurt by the situation on a regular basis. It is being posed as a "giftedness" thing. That includes us in the category, and it's a situation where I'd prefer not to be included.
When M was in a situation that didn't work out, we pulled her out. We asked if they could do anything about payments, but didn't make demands, and in many cases, never asked for specific numbers. Most of the time, the people/organizations were quite generous. They can't please everyone either.
If you cannot please everyone, then you cannot create a situation that will work for everyone. That is straightforward logic. This is where I think our culture needs to learn the art of ending well. Endings are inevitable. Nothing lasts forever. After losing so many loved ones in the last year this is very clear to me. However, I think few people are intentional and good at ending well. There will be so many endings in life that I feel this is something worth learning.
For example, the school system did not work for M (as readers of this blog know). The teachers were wonderful. She had delightful friends who just sat and cried with her, wishing they could help. The principal cried with me, wishing he could help. The school psychologist tried everything she could, trying her best to help. They wanted M to stay in school, and we wanted it to work for her. It did not work. So many individuals at that school taught me about ending well.
When we realized it wasn't going to work, we told M she had to finish the semester and "end well." We asked that she try and make it as pleasant for everyone as she could during the ending. We pointed out how many wonderful people had done so much to try and help, and she agreed. She saw the concern and care from those individuals, and I thanked them for their assistance and concern with tears in my eyes. I was and am grateful for them, even though it did not work in the end. I got some cards in the mail with Scripture on them, encouraging us in our decision. They were from teachers we knew to be Christian, but from a public school where they could not openly use Scripture, so the cards were sent anonymously. We had multiple teachers applaud our dedication to M in our decision-making, saying that our level of concern as parents meant that it would work out well for her. They were grateful she had us. That blew me away!
We ended school well. It was a great school, full of wonderful people. It did not work for M. If you are dissatisfied with something in your life, I encourage you to move on and try to end well. I believe it will make life better for so many people that want nothing but the best for you and yours. However, they are also bound to the universal truth that you cannot please everyone. They are not responsible for meeting every individual need, especially if they are volunteers in an organization that is not making money.
I enoucrage you to start something today. Practice gratitude by thanking those who are doing a job that you don't have to do yourself. Hug someone who is going through a hard time. Send a card (or flowers or something yummy to eat) to someone who could use a little cheer. Try to reperesent your various categories and groups (like Christian or gifted) in a way that communicates acceptance and encouragment and gratitude fo those both within and outside that description. Be kind to yourself and to others. Have a peaceful and loving weekend. You don't know how much time you will have. Spend it well.
Friday, June 20, 2014
Kid gloves clash with black - or - funeral attire and a kid who understands much
I'm trying to wrap my mind around this concept, but it feels messy. I apologize in advance for the disorganization I anticipate. It's not a pretty or pleasant experience.
Our lives have involved an average of a funeral every other month for a while now. Only half of them were grandparents to anyone, and three of them involve cancer. Two of them are peers, and three of them were very beloved. Not pretty. Not pleasant.
Growing up, my mother claimed to talk to us like adults from the start. She didn't believe in baby talk, and I never developed a talent for (or interest in) baby talk myself. I only have one style of speaking, and my daughter has inherited it. Most people say she talks like a mini adult. Recently, a relative described her as "talking like a little old lady." I'm still trying to process that one as a compliment . . . It was intended as one.
In the midst of very difficult events, not limited to these deaths, I have struggled with how to talk with M about everything. Most adults, I think, would gloss over things, minimize the pain, and try to pretend all is well. I cannot do that. I'm not sure I even want to do that.
I picture kid gloves as white - like the ones you might see in a dust testing situation. They don't go well with black. While I admire that the widow wore a bright dress, as I have seen others choose to do, I wear black many days right now. Kid gloves simply don't go. Besides, I don't like wearing gloves unless it's winter.
I have led a life full of pain and loss. I don't wish those experiences on others, yet I would not give back what I have gained through those experiences. I am a better person than I was before them. In experiencing all of these things at a tender age, we don't want to rob M of the benefits that can be gained. We wish none of those people had died recently, but we don't want to miss the value in the circumstances, either.
Tonight, my husband gave me a compliment that was bigger than he realized. We are grieving. We are messy. I often feel bad that M is going through this with us at her young age. However, my husband said, "She's learning. This will serve us well in the long run. We aren't hiding." He's right.
My biggest struggle right now is accepting that an amazing boy is now the man of the house. He is ten years old. His father was amazing. His father helped me grow in amazing ways and taught so many people what love looks like every day.
I don't like people saying that someone is too young to die. I have lost peers at ages 16 & 21, so most don't really compare to too young in that sense. However, I have become my own irritating example. They are too young. The father was too young to die. The son is too young to lose his father. It's real, though. He is dead.
Watching M process this has taught me, as well. Again. She is amazing. She cried with me and said, "This will really affect his whole life. . . losing his dad at this age." She is right. She is sympathetic. She has always been drawn to this boy, so the connection seems stronger.
A few weeks ago, I had confirmation that pathological grief is commonly brought on by less than we have experienced in the last year. No, we don't have it. Not now, anyway. Life is messy. Our home is not functioning well. M can see it. Even if we tried to hide it, she would know. I choose to be deliberate about the experience. I will do my best to help her be deliberate in processing this series of events.
Recently, M is very careful. She asks for permission far more often than is necessary. She is quieter than usual. She is getting her responsibilities done earlier than usual. When she makes a mistake, she is harder on herself than before. She is treating us with kid gloves, I think.
In another recent conversation, I told her I wished I was more patient. Citing some past struggles that we did not know were related to her vision, I expressed regret at my past approach. She reassured me quickly and earnestly. She pointed out that we got it done, and that I could not have known earlier. She is so wise and kind.
I am unsure if M is emotionally capable of working through these recent events. She is intellectually capable of sorting through it, but she is young. One of the challenges of being an intelligent child strikes again. She is asymmetrically developed, and that requires some guesswork. When I cannot get through a day without crying multiple times, my guesswork gets shoddy. I apologize a lot. I will work through this with her and hope that in the future, she looks back and feels as I do - not wishing the experience on anyone, but not willing to give up what she gained in her character. Please pray that I am successful in this.
The blessing in the experience is a very solid realization of the support we now have. It has shown up in greater force and multitude than I expected. That is such an encouragement and relief! I am so thankful . . .
Peace and health to you and yours. And a fabulous support network! Thank you again to mine and ours!
Our lives have involved an average of a funeral every other month for a while now. Only half of them were grandparents to anyone, and three of them involve cancer. Two of them are peers, and three of them were very beloved. Not pretty. Not pleasant.
Growing up, my mother claimed to talk to us like adults from the start. She didn't believe in baby talk, and I never developed a talent for (or interest in) baby talk myself. I only have one style of speaking, and my daughter has inherited it. Most people say she talks like a mini adult. Recently, a relative described her as "talking like a little old lady." I'm still trying to process that one as a compliment . . . It was intended as one.
In the midst of very difficult events, not limited to these deaths, I have struggled with how to talk with M about everything. Most adults, I think, would gloss over things, minimize the pain, and try to pretend all is well. I cannot do that. I'm not sure I even want to do that.
I picture kid gloves as white - like the ones you might see in a dust testing situation. They don't go well with black. While I admire that the widow wore a bright dress, as I have seen others choose to do, I wear black many days right now. Kid gloves simply don't go. Besides, I don't like wearing gloves unless it's winter.
I have led a life full of pain and loss. I don't wish those experiences on others, yet I would not give back what I have gained through those experiences. I am a better person than I was before them. In experiencing all of these things at a tender age, we don't want to rob M of the benefits that can be gained. We wish none of those people had died recently, but we don't want to miss the value in the circumstances, either.
Tonight, my husband gave me a compliment that was bigger than he realized. We are grieving. We are messy. I often feel bad that M is going through this with us at her young age. However, my husband said, "She's learning. This will serve us well in the long run. We aren't hiding." He's right.
My biggest struggle right now is accepting that an amazing boy is now the man of the house. He is ten years old. His father was amazing. His father helped me grow in amazing ways and taught so many people what love looks like every day.
I don't like people saying that someone is too young to die. I have lost peers at ages 16 & 21, so most don't really compare to too young in that sense. However, I have become my own irritating example. They are too young. The father was too young to die. The son is too young to lose his father. It's real, though. He is dead.
Watching M process this has taught me, as well. Again. She is amazing. She cried with me and said, "This will really affect his whole life. . . losing his dad at this age." She is right. She is sympathetic. She has always been drawn to this boy, so the connection seems stronger.
A few weeks ago, I had confirmation that pathological grief is commonly brought on by less than we have experienced in the last year. No, we don't have it. Not now, anyway. Life is messy. Our home is not functioning well. M can see it. Even if we tried to hide it, she would know. I choose to be deliberate about the experience. I will do my best to help her be deliberate in processing this series of events.
Recently, M is very careful. She asks for permission far more often than is necessary. She is quieter than usual. She is getting her responsibilities done earlier than usual. When she makes a mistake, she is harder on herself than before. She is treating us with kid gloves, I think.
In another recent conversation, I told her I wished I was more patient. Citing some past struggles that we did not know were related to her vision, I expressed regret at my past approach. She reassured me quickly and earnestly. She pointed out that we got it done, and that I could not have known earlier. She is so wise and kind.
I am unsure if M is emotionally capable of working through these recent events. She is intellectually capable of sorting through it, but she is young. One of the challenges of being an intelligent child strikes again. She is asymmetrically developed, and that requires some guesswork. When I cannot get through a day without crying multiple times, my guesswork gets shoddy. I apologize a lot. I will work through this with her and hope that in the future, she looks back and feels as I do - not wishing the experience on anyone, but not willing to give up what she gained in her character. Please pray that I am successful in this.
The blessing in the experience is a very solid realization of the support we now have. It has shown up in greater force and multitude than I expected. That is such an encouragement and relief! I am so thankful . . .
Peace and health to you and yours. And a fabulous support network! Thank you again to mine and ours!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)