Baiting, injustice and shame - dealing with stereotypes

Tonight, my family attended an event we are invited to annually. Most of the people there, we see maybe once a year. This year, there was much talk of college, due to the age and lifestage of many of the people present, as parents or students in the lifestage.

When we returned home, my husband said he didn't like how one woman was talking to me and asking questions. I was uncomfortable with it, as well, and our daughter was listening without commenting, so she was clearly uncomfortable as well. It started with that seemingly simple question of what grade our daughter is in. All three of us considered, the woman thought that quite odd, and we told her that it depends upon the subject. In the end, I told her my best guess. The woman ddin't comment, or perhaps didn't notice the disconnect. M is the not the typical age for that grade. However, the woman went on to ask a series of questions that put me in an uncomfortable place, and it seemed that she does not approve of homeschooling. I tried to be polite and truthful until someone else took up another subject, shifting the woman's focus.

Before long, she began to digress into lots of name-dropping of prestigious schools, how they are related to her children and their friends, etc. She seemed not to notice that everyone got very quiet, and continued, looking quite pleased with herself. She seemed to look down on my family because traditional school will not work for our daughter until college, if she chooses to attend (because we will not force her to attend college - some post-graduate training, but not necessarily college). Her assumption, like many, is that our daughter is incapable of keeping up or learning in a sense that makes it worth spending the money. In fact, she expressed outrage to me that her own daughter who is a recent graduate and accountant wants to be a stay-at-home mother. I confronted her on that, telling her what I used to do with my business degree, and how I use it every day at home. Perhaps that's why she went on to provoke me. I should have kept my mouth shut, perhaps. . . I'm not so good at that.

By the time she got to the height of her arrogant rant, I wanted to look her in the eye and say, "You think that's something? My daughter will probably be ready for college years younger than any of your children no matter what score they got on the ACT!" She did, in fact, go into great detail about ACT scores . . . I didn't say any of that out loud, and I feel ashamed that I even thought it.

After considering it out of that woman's presence, I think I'm angry at the injustice that families with highly gifted children are too often assumed to be as arrogant as this woman.  Some of them are, of course - you get bad eggs in every group.  However, the extreme examples of giftedness I know go through a lot of stress about trying to find appropriate ways to answer simple questions like, "What grade is your child (or are you) in?" They do not feel that they are better than anyone else.  Many, like me, sincerely wish that traditional school settings worked for their family. That's why members of our coop are familiar with so many schools - we keep trying and hoping.

I was so disappointed in my own response to this person. I am angry when confronted by the same ugliness I am assumed to possess, and the fact that those words went through my mind may mean that I do possess it. However, this woman spoke it. I am extremely defensive and protective of my child, as most mothers are. I hope that my internal dialogue was a result of that and my outrage at facing a stereotype that I don't believe fits me, rather than an indication that I am the same way. None of my nieces or nephews have gone to a special school for gifted kids and none of them were or are homeschooled. I believe that giftedness is hereditary biologically.  I believe that all of my nieces and nephews are highly intelligent.

I am disgusted with myself tonight, and with that woman for triggering the disgusting reaction. I think my reaction was a growing urge to shut her up, rather than a logical or sincere response to her. I will have to check myself, and am grateful that my daughter doesn't feel superior because of her atypical neurology. Hoping you all had a better weekend than I did . . .

Goodbyes and Fitting in without Giving In

Those two things have been our recent themes.

Recently, I was in a conversation with a mother and daughter we talk to weekly. We were discussing travel and Disneyland. I commented that M didn't want to go there last time we were in the area, but that we went to Discovery Cove and swam with fish and stingrays, etc. The other child is very young, and couldn't believe that Disney wasn't the choice.  I felt it was an appropriate comment, seeing as how we were at swimming lessons . . . swimming with fish. Safe, right? Guess not. The other girl, got really close to my daughter's face and expressed shock, which made my daughter quite uncomfortable.  As we were walking out, I was informed of new social protocols by my daughter, who, honestly, still needs a lot of practice with social interactions . . . Apparently, she doesn't want people to hear about her decision not to visit Disney, "especially with little kids, Mom."

From the first indication, I have grieved that giftedness makes it statistically unlikely to fit in very often. My husband had a much more satisfying, full social life than I did, and I really wanted that for our daughter growing up. That hasn't been in God's plan for much of her life. There was a period with countless kids around as often as we would allow it, but it was brief.

We are moving. Part of what we intend to do with the move is intentionally nurture social opportunities for our daughter. Not just any social interaction, but really feeling accepted and included . . . belonging. As we do that, we are saying a lot of goodbyes, which is not fun.

One of the goodbyes I had apart from the rest of my family reminds me of the giftedness element, yet again. A is an amazingly gifted girl in many areas. I will miss her a lot. In preparation for that, I have been in a lot of conversations with her mother and a few other people, and was honored to be included in being intentional about her mentors. You see, she reminds me of myself, only cooler & more athletic. I felt desperate to help her find an environment where she can grow as much as she wants to in an area of her giftedness without being pressured to perform at her highest level if she chooses to focus on other things.

I think that is one of the dangers of gifted circles. We talk about "doing our best" and that is huge pressure, as well as ridiculous. It's a concept that was presented to me related to perfectionism.  This goal encourages perfectionism, which is an ironic character flaw . . .  What adult do you know who is expected to do their very best in every area of their lives? I am thankful to have given up being good at a number of things that simply don't interest me. Instead, I focus on the things that intrigue me most. We still do the things we need to do, but trying to excel in every way you can . . . that sounds exhausting.

I was afraid for A. I was afraid that she would be pressured to put more emphasis in one area of her life than she wanted to, simply because she has the capacity for it. Does that shock you? It's a big deal to me. What area(s) of your life or your child's do you have capacity beyond what you choose to invest? Is there an area that excites you, even if you aren't as gifted in it?  K told me this week that she was enjoying spinning, but wasn't very good at it. I know nothing of spinning, but told her all that mattered to me was that she was enjoying it. She measures her progress in balls of yarn, and "how much of a sheep" which made me smile. I'm so glad she's doing that. Knitting is like that for me. I don't consider myself to be very good at it, but I enjoy it, and I am learning something new. I'd love to hear about yours . . .

Intensity and Hypersensitivity

I know many who deal with hypersensitivities in their children, such as an unwillingness to wear socks other than about 2 threadbare pairs.

In our home, intensity is the thing. They can go together often, and I definitely have a hypersensitivity to sound, while my daughter has a need to be constantly moving - hyper motor sensitivity. There are so many labels. I also know many adults and children with ADD or ADHD, among other labels. Some are also labeled highly gifted (which makes them twice exceptional or 2e) and others are not.

Check out this blog post from the perspective of more than one of those situations. It's always good to have suggestions from someone experienced with gifted learners.

http://jadeannrivera.com/2013/03/10/living-with-not-indulging-intensity/

Breakthrough - "Different" does not equal "Needs to be fixed"

I love this blog post:
http://mommytg.blogspot.com/2013/04/sharing-my-recent-breakthrough-as-parent.html

As parents of children who are not neurotypical, we are given a lot of unsolicited advice by well-meaning, but uninformed people. "Just" usually begins the statements from those who just don't really understand or just don't believe that these children really are different. Ours are not better than other children. They do not need to be fixed. They are simply different.

Like the author of the linked blog post, I have been blessed to find several different sources of support from those with some level of understanding and appreciation of children who are not neurotypical, and just as wonderfully supportive of their families. I hope all of you are blessed with a support network with some degree of acceptance if not understanding. Even more, I hope that you have found unconditional support in your most confusing and important journeys through this life.

What is home?

I hear about highly gifted children asking questions like "what is time?" and similar things we take for granted, but are difficult to explain to a very young person. Recently, we have been exploring the concept of home. 

M didn't ask what it meant outright, but we have been exploring it. I have been exploring with her, and so has my husband. Closely linked is the concept of family, which is something we are revisiting as adults, and our daughter is exploring in depth for the first time. There are legal definitions of family and home, but I'm referring to the emotional and conceptual meanings. Some old lyrics that google didn't help me pin down today go something like this: "I never thought home would end up a place I don't belong." [If you can help me remember where that surfacing phrase originated before entering my mind through my ears, I'd be grateful.]

My baby girl is growing up. That's a cliche, I know, but there seem to be lurches in the process, and I feel we are in or just past one of those. She was telling me about some conversations happening around her that made her uncomfortable. The adults involved should not have been having those conversations.  Then again, I think they should know the girl in question better, as well. I asked her about it and got vague but honest answers. The gist is that these people were talking about us in a way that wasn't positive or pleasant, assuming our daughter was distracted by something. I was disappointed, but not surprised.

I asked her what "us" meant, wanting to understand better, and it warmed my heart to learn that there is a strong association between the word "us" and our family of 3. I like that. I hope that is an ongoing trend. Like most parents, we try to insulate our daughter from some of the less attractive qualities and interactions with extended family. This is one area where her being highly gifted makes parenting both easier and more difficult at the same time.

A woman I love as much as anyone on earth told me once that she felt guilty about how her relational issues with a family member seemed apparent to her daughter. I understand that emotion better now than when she confided in me. However, today, my daughter told me some things she's been noticing that make her sad. They are the same things my husband and I have been noticing. We both dealt with some guilt, like the woman mentioned previously.

M needs to be able to accept the truth about who her family members really are in order to effectively love them and interact with them. The sad thing is that those same people seem not to know and understand her much or me at all . . . my husband? I'm not sure how well they understand him, but the trend isn't great in any scenario.  M is too young to be expected to bear an emotional burden that is not her own. However, her relationship, or lack of one, is her own burden.

When people kindly interact with her in a way that seems appropriate to her size and/or age, she has learned to say appropriate things, but her tone is . . .  a work in progress. Once she responds to something that interests her . . . . let's just say I can tell you how big a bite many people can take. What follows is what tells me more about the person and their ability to appreciate and enjoy my daughter's company. I don't judge people for an initial assumption. After all, you have to start somewhere. The follow-up determines a lot more about how I see those people.

As we have been exploring this, we have learned that M's "us" is a great definition of family.  It simultaneously implies connection, unity, togetherness and more. Home is a concept that is a bit more hazy to me. We use the word to describe wherever we are staying, even when on vacation. However, there are places that are far more comfortable than others. Some of those places would not be referred to as our home. And yet . . . when we feel exceptionally comfortable, we describe it as "home" even when it is not a house or dwelling place.  Maybe "us" is home.

We are excited as we start a new chapter and try some new things in an effort to get more feelings of home and family. Giftedness is now a large part of how we operate, many of the decisions we make, and a surprising chunk of our daily life. I talked with a manager at an establishment we have frequented for years, who told me that giftedness is a beautiful girl with shining eyes as he watched her read and talk with his other customers. He also defined quirkiness as "having fun with friends," which I like. Don't you just adore your friends' quirks?!  Another place where we are recognized, we received a card, a demand to make sure we stayed in touch, and a few freebies related to something we're interested in with a shining smile. I could mention so many more.

However, it is sad to me how many of the people we are accepted by and sought after are not the ones you would assume, especially if you listen to Hallmark. I never thought home or family would be a place I don't belong. Several counselors have encouraged me to see the large family I have, and how wonderful the chosen family is. I love my family, but the people I want around are my "real"/"chosen" family. It warms my heart when I see the arms of those reaching back at me. I am trying to share some of the emotional tools I have learned in counseling with my amazing daughter. I have a feeling she'll be just fine.

I think "us" is in for some great times ahead. Blessings to you, your "home" and your "family" today - whatever that is to you.

Homer? As in . . . . Homer?

I have a younger friend with a highly gifted child, and I think of her so often as we go about our life with a gifted child. It helps me laugh at things and keep a good perspective, especially because this friend is particularly wonderful. Today, we spent all day in the same place, more or less. One of the advantages of homeschooling is that you can pack your books, or iPad or whatever if there's WiFi and you need internet, and you can do school wherever. Today, M was reading the Children's Homer - it's the Wanderings of Odysseus and one other - Trojan horse or Jason & the Fleece - I forget which. Last week, it was the Iliad adapted for kids. Anyway, she was very cooperative, even when required to sit still for as many hours as the average adult on a weekday. An older gentleman kindly expressed interest in what she was reading, saying it looks more complicated than what his granddaughter was reading, and she was 6. She told him it was Homer. He was silent for a full minute and blinked, then looked at me and said, "Homer, as in Greek?" I replied in the affirmative and he was pretty shocked, but complimentary. I would have loved to know what my companion next to me was thinking about the conversation, but will likely never know. Then, a surgeon came to give us a report. She also asked what M was reading, and said, "Wow! Homer . . . as in . . . Homer? I replied that she is unique, and then inquired about the patient, thinking it was an odd and amusing encounter . . . How does this relate to my young friend? Well, I have expressed frustration that we cannot seem to go anywhere that the differences in M are not evident, even when she is not with me. My young friend has not experienced this the same way, and suggested that I make it clear I'm not interested in talking about it and it will essentially go away. I giggled, and reminded her about the personality of my daughter, which shifted her perspective. Don't get me wrong - this is one of my most treasured friends. Her youngest will have similar experiences throughout his life, but I don't think it has begun for her quite yet . . . in time . . . Without any direct interaction, it made today more amusing and less frustrating. Thank God for true friends. And yes, Homer and in Homer. Homer as in Greek. ;)

It's a new year!

Wow! I didn't realize how long I had neglected this Blog. I have continued to live the topic and questions, however. During the New Year, it's tradition to have resolutions. M decided to resolve to try and have a better life. I'm not sure what that means to her right now, but it sounds like a good one for her age. I didn't make a resolution this year. The last year has meant ongoing change, and I feel like resolutions are unnecessary. In fact, I make them quite often, so who cares about New Years regarding resolutions? A New Year symbolizes a fresh start, however, and we can use one of those, so maybe I do care. We plan to travel more, and I know we will all learn as M experiences new places. We are seeing how the last year has changed us, our lives, our goals, and our values. We are still Christian. We still value Truth - some probably believe we value that too much, however, Jesus said he is the Truth and the light. We have learned to have a greasier coat, in animal terms - to let more run off our backs. Time is so precious, and the truly important people are precious, as well. As a result, the icky and the annoying have become easier to disregard and leave behind. We still do not know God's plan for our future, but feel like we can see a little farther in front of us than we could a year ago, or even six months ago. We will be able to make more decisive choices. We have resolved to make our family within our home a higher priority than it has been in the past, especially in comparison to other relationships. We have decided to place the people who accept us and journey with us at a higher priority as well. Today, I wondered why my husband chose a woman so full of sadness. Then, it occurred to me that he was initially drawn to deep sadness in my eyes. There is beauty in sadness, and this year has reminded me that sadness is not something to flee from, but another part of life and something that adds beauty. A friend who honors me with a view of their tears and non-smiles, as well as the smiles is someone I value much higher than others. In fact, those who don't, tend to not see me much at all. There has been great sadness in our lives over the last few months, and great stress over the last year and a half. Some have reacted defensively. I wonder why. I wonder what they are thinking. Do they think we are judging them? Do they think we feel superior? Do they feel guilt over making different choices than we have? In the end, I do not believe it is about my family, and I need to let them work that out themselves. We have learned more than ever that there isn't one right fit for everyone, so we definitely do not believe that everyone should line up with our choices! There has been a beautiful mix of people who have been drawn to us during this change, and I am so grateful for these gorgeous people. Their spirits nourish our souls, whether or not the shell they reside in is beautiful by cultural standards. I have resolved to prioritize more effort toward M's relationships that match these values, as well. I believe that is an area that has been most lacking. I do not believe it has been lacking because there are not other intelligent people of similar age in the area. In fact, I know there are many. However, forming those relationships has not been happening as I would like. We are making changes. We are feeling a strong pull toward a specific area, and in thinking more about that, realizing that there is a group of people we are feeling drawn to spend more time around. To sum up, sadness led to excitement and anticipation. 2013 is going to be a gorgeous year. There will be sadness, but it will be a beautiful sadness, I'm convinced.