I will start out by saying that I am not an expert, doctor, or any other kind of authority on the topic of autism. My experiences are those of the parent of a high gifted girl and the ways that intersects with the topic of autism. By no means do I claim to be perfect or speaking to every situation.
The topic of autism and giftedness came up in a conversation with friends who also have highly gifted children last night, and I've been pondering it ever since. To my knowledge, non of their children have autism.
"I've worked with autistic kids before, so I have a lot of knowledge about how to interact with her."
This was in an e-mail from a teacher working with my girl. I never said she had autism. In fact, she isn't, and she's been tested. She is very literal, extremely conerned about rules, highly anxious, and asynchronous in her development. I was annoyed that the teacher assumed to be so knowledgeable, but I was not angry. Other people got angry.
When I mentioned this to our friends last night, there was silence, which is EXTREMELY odd when those three families are in the same building. The expressions were those of stunned, confused and incredulous adults. Then another dad said that made no sense, shaking his head as if to dislodge a fly.
"Is she . . . . . on the spectrum?" was another teachers response to me - it was a drama teacher.
At least this woman was cautious, uncomfortable and honestly asking, rather than the conceited assumption that she was correct in her wondering. I said no, but acknowledged that she has some symptoms that might seem like it. She apologized and was genuinely interested in engaging my child in her class. As the dad last night would quickly point out, M has other habits and personality traits that are completely against the idea of autism. However, when she feels unsafe about acceptance, etc, she gets quiet, so those are less obvious at those times.
In that case, I had insisted that M take a drama class. I feel that learning to perform in front of people, to control expressions and actions to an end, and to control yourself under pressure are life skills. Since M is not interested in performance related activities, I do require this from time to time in order to make sure she's getting the experiences I feel are necessary, as her mother and her homeschooling principal. She hated it. It was only a few weeks, however, and she accepted that I don't require her to do many things she genuinely dislikes that much, so she was compliant.
A girl who was very loving toward her was also in this class. That girl is an incredibly gifted actress, and has gotten interest and audition invitations from Disney. Their interest levels are VERY different. In an attempt to cheer M up and simply be friends with her, she had put her arm around M's shoulder and encouarged her into the classroom, standing beside her and just trying to be friends as tween girls do.
Unfortunately, the act of an arm around the shoulder does not feel friendly to her, especially when it is speeding her progress toward something she doesn't like. Her response to those situations is to shut down and almost freeze. This is basicly what she did in that class.
Isn't it interesting how this came across to the teacher? I'm an analytical person, so I can sometimes separate myself from the emotion of it.
The discussion last night was about a child I have never met, who has recently been diagnosed with autism. The school noticed that he plays alongside other kids rather than with them, most of the time. That is the basis of the discussion from last night.
He was diagnosed because of playing alongside rather than with other
kids at school. His mother and I have a mutual friend, so I heard about it.
Guess what happened when her kids visited with him? There was no
alongside. This precious child was engaged for hours and hours playing
with the other kids. Those kids are highly gifted. They are
asynchronous, so parts of their play may look young & parts may seem
detailed to the extreme. They are wired differently. They are not
better than anyone else. They are not worse than anyone else. They are
simply different.
Play is supposed to be fun. If it is not, it's not effective play. Why should we assume there is a right way to have fun that fits every child? There isn't for adults . . . .
M played alongside other kids for a VERY long time. Part of it is that highly gifted kids play so differently.
I remember the first day that one of our friends brought her kids to the coop that is the first place we felt at home. The mom went outside with kids who were going to play predator and prey. As soon as she saw it, she decided it exemplified giftedness in play. Instead of just using predator and prey as the categories, they gave examples of animals that they were playing, then another kid would announce they were an animal that would prey upon it. Yet another kid would say they were a type of prey that is actually poisonous to the predator in question. I cannot give you the specific examples they used that day because they honestly know a lot more about animals than I do. Those kids used the specific names and types in their play.
When is the last time you heard about that at recess at a school? Might that be why they play alongside? If they like playing that way, might they get bored if they were forced to simplify all the time? Might they get ostracized for being themselves in a school environment?
In our society, which expresses so much concern for individuality being respected, gifted kids are not being shown the same level of passionate support. They are being labelled as someone with an ailment to be treated. I don't understand why. Do we think that people really only are different from each other once they turn 18? Do we believe that people only deserve respect once they are legally adults?
The legislation about special education in the 90s included giftedness when it didn't get passed. Giftedness was removed from the accomodations, and then it passed. Does that upset anyone else? Are those people less important?
Friday, August 5, 2016
Friday, July 1, 2016
Procastination, denial or both? Peabody progress.
I just read the post about Peabody testing from 2015 here. Mostly, I'm in shock that it was already that long ago, but I'm also giggling at myself.
My main goal last year was to do a transcript for M. Well, I had great intentions & prganized and gathered information in order to assemble one. Then, I put it off. And I still have not gotten to it.
To be fair to myself, a lot happened over the last year. Not the normal busy-ness of life, either. M had a lot of coping to do. I had even more coping to do while I tried to help her cope. It's starting to make me chuckle, but did not over the winter.
Guess what. This Spring we got M's Peabody test results and I absolutely freaked out. So did her dad. We were told that she can no longer use that test again. Why? Because her overall grade level is beyond high school. I felt shocked and terrified. Her father said something brilliant like, "So what does that mean?!" And then I read that post I mentioned & linked earlier in this post. Last year, I knew that those results were likely. Yet again, denial got me.
We have amazing friends and it's amusing to me when they make comments about M being a more extreme case than their children. I don't giggle. I chortle and laugh until I cry, and it is loud. Seriously, the only difference is that some of them are younger. They are just as extreme, and some of them are far more extremely gifted.
Sometimes I wonder how these women who are so much more intelligent than I am can think that M is a more extreme case.
Did you see it there? That sentence shows you I should understand. Or maybe why we are friends and that our children get along so well. Or both.
Yes, I have fulfilled my prediction of being "that more experienced parent" that I predicted I would be just last year, lol. And yet, I'm still battling denial.
Are you feeling teased? What are we doing about our 11 year old child testing out of high school? Well, a few things, but not as much as I anticipated.
M has been through a lot over the last few years. She needs time and energy to cope with life circumstances. So we are focusing on fun and also seeing a therapist in order to help her navigate these things.
Last Fall, we signed her up for everything she was interested in. Not surprisingly, it was far too much in the midst of losing a treasured family member among other things. As a family, we learned together. We learned how to decide when to drop subjects and how to communicate with tutors and classmates about our decisions, reassuring them that it wasn't a personal decision, but the result of dealing with a whole lot of life at that moment. And we got really good about not caring about the money end of dropping things. During times of loss of life, you really learn the relative unimportance of money.
What we ended up with by Christmas was still too much, so for Spring semester, we simply signed up for less. And we moved. In the end, it still wasn't an easy-going semester, lol.
Through those things, we have gotten some more practice battling perfectionism, and M has some cute phrases about perfectionism personified. It makes it more of a game and makes it feel more outside yourself as you battle it. I highly recomend it and have followed her example to a more comfortable process of dealing with it.
When we got those test results, I reminded myself that I am her principal, as a homeschooler. So, I have decided not to let her be done with high school. For now, I can get away with that. Maybe that's procrastination, or maybe it's denial again, but we've made that decision for now. This Fall will look pretty similar to last Spring, as semesters go.
M seems more comfortable with it than ever, and is embracing more playtime than she has since toddler-hood. That makes me so happy. It is an indicator of balance for me to watch. When she is stressed or out of balance, she does not play. In fact, she missed some play because of her incredible intellect. The intellect took so much of her energy to feed that other things were somewhat neglected by her own drives. I may be the only mother who never worries about stepping on Legos. When I hear them being dumped out, I smile every time. I know she is playing and I know that means she's in a good place. OK, so I wear shoes in the house and she plays audio books at the same time, but still . . .
When the intellect is not fed enough, we have major issues. When other parts of that being are malnourished, we just have different issues. Her father and I have chosen a place that she can take college courses in a more sheltered, younger environment when she is ready to start that. In the meantime, she is developing friendships there with very few classes but courses where the teachers have agreed to age-exceptions. It has gone well overall, and we feel good knowing that it is there and ready when she is. We're not ignoring it, so maybe it's not denial this time.
The other angle on the subject is that passions make a difference in the mix. We do not believe that just because you are capable of things means you should have to do that. M has choices. She is capable in more areas than she is very interested in. The classes where we requested the age exceptions were the ones she selected, both last year and for the upcoming semester. In the others, we have decided to go with the flow. She enjoys people younger than her, as well, and I love having many ages around her (and me!). I think that is a much healthier and more interesting environment.
I wish you all a delightful holiday weekend, with just the right mix of stimulation and play and rest.
My main goal last year was to do a transcript for M. Well, I had great intentions & prganized and gathered information in order to assemble one. Then, I put it off. And I still have not gotten to it.
To be fair to myself, a lot happened over the last year. Not the normal busy-ness of life, either. M had a lot of coping to do. I had even more coping to do while I tried to help her cope. It's starting to make me chuckle, but did not over the winter.
Guess what. This Spring we got M's Peabody test results and I absolutely freaked out. So did her dad. We were told that she can no longer use that test again. Why? Because her overall grade level is beyond high school. I felt shocked and terrified. Her father said something brilliant like, "So what does that mean?!" And then I read that post I mentioned & linked earlier in this post. Last year, I knew that those results were likely. Yet again, denial got me.
We have amazing friends and it's amusing to me when they make comments about M being a more extreme case than their children. I don't giggle. I chortle and laugh until I cry, and it is loud. Seriously, the only difference is that some of them are younger. They are just as extreme, and some of them are far more extremely gifted.
Sometimes I wonder how these women who are so much more intelligent than I am can think that M is a more extreme case.
Did you see it there? That sentence shows you I should understand. Or maybe why we are friends and that our children get along so well. Or both.
Yes, I have fulfilled my prediction of being "that more experienced parent" that I predicted I would be just last year, lol. And yet, I'm still battling denial.
Are you feeling teased? What are we doing about our 11 year old child testing out of high school? Well, a few things, but not as much as I anticipated.
M has been through a lot over the last few years. She needs time and energy to cope with life circumstances. So we are focusing on fun and also seeing a therapist in order to help her navigate these things.
Last Fall, we signed her up for everything she was interested in. Not surprisingly, it was far too much in the midst of losing a treasured family member among other things. As a family, we learned together. We learned how to decide when to drop subjects and how to communicate with tutors and classmates about our decisions, reassuring them that it wasn't a personal decision, but the result of dealing with a whole lot of life at that moment. And we got really good about not caring about the money end of dropping things. During times of loss of life, you really learn the relative unimportance of money.
What we ended up with by Christmas was still too much, so for Spring semester, we simply signed up for less. And we moved. In the end, it still wasn't an easy-going semester, lol.
Through those things, we have gotten some more practice battling perfectionism, and M has some cute phrases about perfectionism personified. It makes it more of a game and makes it feel more outside yourself as you battle it. I highly recomend it and have followed her example to a more comfortable process of dealing with it.
When we got those test results, I reminded myself that I am her principal, as a homeschooler. So, I have decided not to let her be done with high school. For now, I can get away with that. Maybe that's procrastination, or maybe it's denial again, but we've made that decision for now. This Fall will look pretty similar to last Spring, as semesters go.
M seems more comfortable with it than ever, and is embracing more playtime than she has since toddler-hood. That makes me so happy. It is an indicator of balance for me to watch. When she is stressed or out of balance, she does not play. In fact, she missed some play because of her incredible intellect. The intellect took so much of her energy to feed that other things were somewhat neglected by her own drives. I may be the only mother who never worries about stepping on Legos. When I hear them being dumped out, I smile every time. I know she is playing and I know that means she's in a good place. OK, so I wear shoes in the house and she plays audio books at the same time, but still . . .
When the intellect is not fed enough, we have major issues. When other parts of that being are malnourished, we just have different issues. Her father and I have chosen a place that she can take college courses in a more sheltered, younger environment when she is ready to start that. In the meantime, she is developing friendships there with very few classes but courses where the teachers have agreed to age-exceptions. It has gone well overall, and we feel good knowing that it is there and ready when she is. We're not ignoring it, so maybe it's not denial this time.
The other angle on the subject is that passions make a difference in the mix. We do not believe that just because you are capable of things means you should have to do that. M has choices. She is capable in more areas than she is very interested in. The classes where we requested the age exceptions were the ones she selected, both last year and for the upcoming semester. In the others, we have decided to go with the flow. She enjoys people younger than her, as well, and I love having many ages around her (and me!). I think that is a much healthier and more interesting environment.
I wish you all a delightful holiday weekend, with just the right mix of stimulation and play and rest.
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Summer and Stimulation needs
Hello again everyone.
I find myself apologizing for an extended absence, yet again. The upside is that I do not post when there is nothing to report and hopefully have only interesting posts, if irregular in schedule. I also love conversation, so please feel free to send me a message and/or leave a comment. It gets me excited to interact with people of similar interests, and I will not publish your comment if you ask me not to, of course! They do not automatically post on this blog.
Summer has begun. We have already had heat indexes and one family member who seems to have suffered due to heat. I hope you are all keeping well and finding fun ways to keep cool.
We moved during the last school year, and the house is wonderful. We love it. It fits our lifestyle and family so much better than the previous place, and we are very thankful for the change.
Moving was also a lot of work! I cannot imagine downsizing after several decades in the same house! Logically, we all know that moving is always work. We had purged a few years ago anticipating a move, and then purged again before the move . . . . twice. We still found toddler things from M in some of the boxes our amazing friends helped us pack in the end. How did they hide all this time?! I like to think I'm pretty organized, but moving was an eye-opener!
As a result, I strongly urge anyone interested to join a decluttering facebook group, read a book on minimalist life, or whatever motivates you to reclaim your space! A couple of books recommended to me have been You Can Buy Happiness and It's Cheap, The Joy of Less, and The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up to list just a few resource. The statistic that sticks with me from college (no, I will not tell you how long ago that was, lol) is that we spend 80% of our time using 20% of our stuff and 100% of our time maintaining 100% of our stuff. Seriously, looking at it takes energy, even if you don't clean. You'll feel less stress and more in control when you dump stuff. And if you decide you want something later, a lot of that stuff is easy to grab.
M did an amazing job during the move. She arranged her room and handled decorating decisions with her own enjoyment and user-friendliness in mind. It has become her oasis, and we were surprised how mature she was about the whole thing. Her parents tried to do the same thing, mostly with success.
A lot of people told us their child of that age would never let them move, or that they would make it miserable. M gave us her opinions, and acccepted the decisions that weren't hers to make mostly with grace, which is pretty amazing! When grandparents came to the unpacked house for the first time, she handled half the tour, pointing out things that she really liked, some being ideas I worked on which was sweet. The fact that she didn't have to switch to a different school weekdays made the trnasition easier, definitely, but there was still plenty of transition.
Summer came on pretty fast with all of that going on during the school year, especially since it ended with her first official final exam administered by a different person. It was for a lab science, including a fair amount of lab work, and she did very well, as we knew she would. Being her first experience like it, she was nervous and extra proud that it went well.
After that, it can feel like the world skids to a stop with the season change. We hear about the lazy days of summer. I remember them when I was in school, before college, when I spent all summer in the water, on my bike or reading. This summer, with the changes we've made, we have more time than previous years. It sounds like a dream, but with people who have a high need for brain stimulation, it can be a challenge.
We chose to do some homeschool work this year. M was on board for that, after seeing for herself that she gets anxious and in a bad mood when she isn't stimulated enough. We aren't doing a lot of schoolwork, tho.
She also was invited to do a Skype book club with some people far away, and was completely honored. The amazing mom who is coordinating it used a book list from their school district and invited other local girls to do that, including many civil rights themed books. There are others, of course, but I like the idea of the diversity of civil rights things to consider at the same time. I know M will consider the different scenarios, contrast them, see similarities, and then think about her outlook into her everyday world.
Our new neighborhood is quite different from the last one, even though we are technically in the same city. I wasn't sure if M would be really uncomfortable with the changes, excited, or something else entirely. Neighbors chat with her, tell us how happy she seems, and how well-spoken she is. I love that she feels comfortable talking to most people, and that she is seeing more diversity and still approaching everyone as a person. Not all the same, but all equally human.
Maybe that's too deep and heavy for summer. We are also spending plenty of time in the water and letting her run around outside with friends, of course. If you ask M what she's thinking about, tho, you'll often hear about what she's reading, so we're keeping her well-stocked. Some of them are audio books, so she can do artistic things or kinetic things at the same time, which is also nice.
And just to loop it back to the purging/minimalist theme, we're using the library a ton. It's inexpensive (cause your taxes pay for it, so you might as well use it). We use the kindle app options, some digital audio options through the library and some physical books, as well as some activities at the libraries. Check it out if you're interested. If you're not sure if you need to keep all your books, see if it's something available at the library.
OK, one final thing to stop at least one of my friends from hyperventilating. If books are your version of teddy bears - like you need to cuddle them and you feel loved surrounded by them - by all means, keep your books! It was just one example. Each of us in this household had at least one area we did not purge. That's the beauty of it. If you minimize the things that you can, having a couple of collections works with less effort. Just minimize the number of collections ;)
Hopefully, I'll keep up with y'all this summer. Either way, remember that play is important for your health, so arrange some for you and yours, maybe including water this summer. Stay cool!
I find myself apologizing for an extended absence, yet again. The upside is that I do not post when there is nothing to report and hopefully have only interesting posts, if irregular in schedule. I also love conversation, so please feel free to send me a message and/or leave a comment. It gets me excited to interact with people of similar interests, and I will not publish your comment if you ask me not to, of course! They do not automatically post on this blog.
Summer has begun. We have already had heat indexes and one family member who seems to have suffered due to heat. I hope you are all keeping well and finding fun ways to keep cool.
We moved during the last school year, and the house is wonderful. We love it. It fits our lifestyle and family so much better than the previous place, and we are very thankful for the change.
Moving was also a lot of work! I cannot imagine downsizing after several decades in the same house! Logically, we all know that moving is always work. We had purged a few years ago anticipating a move, and then purged again before the move . . . . twice. We still found toddler things from M in some of the boxes our amazing friends helped us pack in the end. How did they hide all this time?! I like to think I'm pretty organized, but moving was an eye-opener!
As a result, I strongly urge anyone interested to join a decluttering facebook group, read a book on minimalist life, or whatever motivates you to reclaim your space! A couple of books recommended to me have been You Can Buy Happiness and It's Cheap, The Joy of Less, and The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up to list just a few resource. The statistic that sticks with me from college (no, I will not tell you how long ago that was, lol) is that we spend 80% of our time using 20% of our stuff and 100% of our time maintaining 100% of our stuff. Seriously, looking at it takes energy, even if you don't clean. You'll feel less stress and more in control when you dump stuff. And if you decide you want something later, a lot of that stuff is easy to grab.
M did an amazing job during the move. She arranged her room and handled decorating decisions with her own enjoyment and user-friendliness in mind. It has become her oasis, and we were surprised how mature she was about the whole thing. Her parents tried to do the same thing, mostly with success.
A lot of people told us their child of that age would never let them move, or that they would make it miserable. M gave us her opinions, and acccepted the decisions that weren't hers to make mostly with grace, which is pretty amazing! When grandparents came to the unpacked house for the first time, she handled half the tour, pointing out things that she really liked, some being ideas I worked on which was sweet. The fact that she didn't have to switch to a different school weekdays made the trnasition easier, definitely, but there was still plenty of transition.
Summer came on pretty fast with all of that going on during the school year, especially since it ended with her first official final exam administered by a different person. It was for a lab science, including a fair amount of lab work, and she did very well, as we knew she would. Being her first experience like it, she was nervous and extra proud that it went well.
After that, it can feel like the world skids to a stop with the season change. We hear about the lazy days of summer. I remember them when I was in school, before college, when I spent all summer in the water, on my bike or reading. This summer, with the changes we've made, we have more time than previous years. It sounds like a dream, but with people who have a high need for brain stimulation, it can be a challenge.
We chose to do some homeschool work this year. M was on board for that, after seeing for herself that she gets anxious and in a bad mood when she isn't stimulated enough. We aren't doing a lot of schoolwork, tho.
She also was invited to do a Skype book club with some people far away, and was completely honored. The amazing mom who is coordinating it used a book list from their school district and invited other local girls to do that, including many civil rights themed books. There are others, of course, but I like the idea of the diversity of civil rights things to consider at the same time. I know M will consider the different scenarios, contrast them, see similarities, and then think about her outlook into her everyday world.
Our new neighborhood is quite different from the last one, even though we are technically in the same city. I wasn't sure if M would be really uncomfortable with the changes, excited, or something else entirely. Neighbors chat with her, tell us how happy she seems, and how well-spoken she is. I love that she feels comfortable talking to most people, and that she is seeing more diversity and still approaching everyone as a person. Not all the same, but all equally human.
Maybe that's too deep and heavy for summer. We are also spending plenty of time in the water and letting her run around outside with friends, of course. If you ask M what she's thinking about, tho, you'll often hear about what she's reading, so we're keeping her well-stocked. Some of them are audio books, so she can do artistic things or kinetic things at the same time, which is also nice.
And just to loop it back to the purging/minimalist theme, we're using the library a ton. It's inexpensive (cause your taxes pay for it, so you might as well use it). We use the kindle app options, some digital audio options through the library and some physical books, as well as some activities at the libraries. Check it out if you're interested. If you're not sure if you need to keep all your books, see if it's something available at the library.
OK, one final thing to stop at least one of my friends from hyperventilating. If books are your version of teddy bears - like you need to cuddle them and you feel loved surrounded by them - by all means, keep your books! It was just one example. Each of us in this household had at least one area we did not purge. That's the beauty of it. If you minimize the things that you can, having a couple of collections works with less effort. Just minimize the number of collections ;)
Hopefully, I'll keep up with y'all this summer. Either way, remember that play is important for your health, so arrange some for you and yours, maybe including water this summer. Stay cool!
Friday, February 12, 2016
Your Rainforest Mind
Look what was shared with me today - I love this analogy, and may have finally found an alternative to the dreaded word "gifted" ~shiver
https://rainforestmind.wordpress.com/2016/02/11/youre-not-crazy-youre-gifted
https://rainforestmind.wordpress.com/2016/02/11/youre-not-crazy-youre-gifted
Monday, December 28, 2015
New Years Resolutions and Perfectionism
As New Years approaches, we start thinking about all of the things we might set as New Years Resolutions. Losing weight is a popular one. Very popular. Interestingly, it's never been one I have chosen.
As a recovering perfectionist, resolutions are really hard for me. As one of my friends says, "That's why I don't try things. I know I'll fail." which is really one of the most popular presentations of perfectionism. My husband sets goals and they are actually something to aim for, whereas for me, they are a place to arrive. . . or else I have failed. Anyone relating to this?
Click here for a very respected source of a definition of the word "goal". The first definition is: something that you are trying to do or achieve. Note the word trying. As Star Wars came out recently, the immediate follow-up through my head is this Yoda clip which really doesn't help my perfectionistic side.
I think my husband actually has this concept right, and I have it wrong. Don't tell him so, lol! Trying is not necessarily achieving. That's where it can become an unhealthy control issue.
Over the last few weeks, the stress has actually increased again a few times in this house. I know, it doesn't seem possible, but that's really what has happened. We're resigned to stress being part of our lives all the time now. We can still work toward a healthier lifestyle in the midst of heavy stress.
During that time, M has been harder on herself than we've seen in a long time. Whenever something goes the least bit askew, she'll focus on what she "should have" done. I'm in favor of banning the word "should" or at least making it a swear word, so it is used less frequently in polite company. When I try to redirect her by saying, "It's no big deal, let's just focus and fix it." What I mean is, let's move forward. What literally happened last week is that she focused on that fact that she "should have _____" - YIKES!!! Not at all what I was looking for!
I think this gets us back to goals. The important part is the direction, not the desitnation. The trying rather than the achieving. The second part of that definition linked above is: an area or object into which a ball or puck must be hit, kicked, etc., to score points in various games. It's about the direction and the momentum. Something to aim for. There can be as much excitement and emotion in sports when goals are attempted as there are when they are achieved. Maybe there should be as much celebration in life over goals attempted, as well.
My most successful New Years Resolution (and one I repeated a number of times) was to finish more projects than I started. It's a a direction, rather than a destination. I enjoy a lot of things and tend to get in over my head. Not starting new things sounds very constrained and not very fun. Quitting feels like failure and leaves a bad taste in my mouth. A lot of my feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment are derived from finishing things, whatever the quality of the result. Therefore, finishing more than I start helped me reduce my in-progress projects, which also reduced my stress level without boxing me in. The other benefit is that it encouraged me to consider carefully when starting new things. I had a limitation on the quantity of new projects, so I chose the ones most meaningful and exciting to me.
A friend has been inspiring me by incorporating more exercise into her life, and another of our friends accurately pointed out that showing up at the gym each time is winning the battle. That brings me to the last definition of goal: the act of hitting, kicking, etc., a ball or puck into a goal or the score that results from doing this. This is the only definition of goal I had incorporated into my approach, when it's only one of 3, and the last stated. Let's celebrate making our goals when we do, and the direction we aim when we don't get all the way to where we want to.
Please join me in phrasing the goal AS the direction. Make more exercise is the goal, rather than the weight or clothing size you wore when you were 18 if you're now 50, for example. That way you can celebrate getting your body into the gym as scoring a goal based on that last definition.
This post may not sound like it's about gifted kids and education, but it is. For you see, gifted kids grow into gifted adults. And most parents of gifted kids that I know learned things from their parents. Some of those things are not what the parents wanted to teach. Kids learn by watching. When we help ourselves adopt a healthy approach and lifestyle (in terms of thoughts as well as bodies), we help the children watching us.
Happy New Year!!
As a recovering perfectionist, resolutions are really hard for me. As one of my friends says, "That's why I don't try things. I know I'll fail." which is really one of the most popular presentations of perfectionism. My husband sets goals and they are actually something to aim for, whereas for me, they are a place to arrive. . . or else I have failed. Anyone relating to this?
Click here for a very respected source of a definition of the word "goal". The first definition is: something that you are trying to do or achieve. Note the word trying. As Star Wars came out recently, the immediate follow-up through my head is this Yoda clip which really doesn't help my perfectionistic side.
I think my husband actually has this concept right, and I have it wrong. Don't tell him so, lol! Trying is not necessarily achieving. That's where it can become an unhealthy control issue.
Over the last few weeks, the stress has actually increased again a few times in this house. I know, it doesn't seem possible, but that's really what has happened. We're resigned to stress being part of our lives all the time now. We can still work toward a healthier lifestyle in the midst of heavy stress.
During that time, M has been harder on herself than we've seen in a long time. Whenever something goes the least bit askew, she'll focus on what she "should have" done. I'm in favor of banning the word "should" or at least making it a swear word, so it is used less frequently in polite company. When I try to redirect her by saying, "It's no big deal, let's just focus and fix it." What I mean is, let's move forward. What literally happened last week is that she focused on that fact that she "should have _____" - YIKES!!! Not at all what I was looking for!
I think this gets us back to goals. The important part is the direction, not the desitnation. The trying rather than the achieving. The second part of that definition linked above is: an area or object into which a ball or puck must be hit, kicked, etc., to score points in various games. It's about the direction and the momentum. Something to aim for. There can be as much excitement and emotion in sports when goals are attempted as there are when they are achieved. Maybe there should be as much celebration in life over goals attempted, as well.
My most successful New Years Resolution (and one I repeated a number of times) was to finish more projects than I started. It's a a direction, rather than a destination. I enjoy a lot of things and tend to get in over my head. Not starting new things sounds very constrained and not very fun. Quitting feels like failure and leaves a bad taste in my mouth. A lot of my feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment are derived from finishing things, whatever the quality of the result. Therefore, finishing more than I start helped me reduce my in-progress projects, which also reduced my stress level without boxing me in. The other benefit is that it encouraged me to consider carefully when starting new things. I had a limitation on the quantity of new projects, so I chose the ones most meaningful and exciting to me.
A friend has been inspiring me by incorporating more exercise into her life, and another of our friends accurately pointed out that showing up at the gym each time is winning the battle. That brings me to the last definition of goal: the act of hitting, kicking, etc., a ball or puck into a goal or the score that results from doing this. This is the only definition of goal I had incorporated into my approach, when it's only one of 3, and the last stated. Let's celebrate making our goals when we do, and the direction we aim when we don't get all the way to where we want to.
Please join me in phrasing the goal AS the direction. Make more exercise is the goal, rather than the weight or clothing size you wore when you were 18 if you're now 50, for example. That way you can celebrate getting your body into the gym as scoring a goal based on that last definition.
This post may not sound like it's about gifted kids and education, but it is. For you see, gifted kids grow into gifted adults. And most parents of gifted kids that I know learned things from their parents. Some of those things are not what the parents wanted to teach. Kids learn by watching. When we help ourselves adopt a healthy approach and lifestyle (in terms of thoughts as well as bodies), we help the children watching us.
Happy New Year!!
Friday, November 6, 2015
Friday, October 23, 2015
Another Fall - Another angle on the gifted experience
Like most parents of highly gifted children, I go through my periods of denial. More experience parents who love and support me recommended transcript work . . . about two years ago. They said it a little louder, but equally gently about a year ago. Guess what I decided was premature. Guess who knew better. I was surprised, really, but my waves of denial had gotten me. Again.
Last Spring was a wake up call when we got the Peabody test results. One subject is not yet to High school level, but should be this Spring if the trajectory stays true. The others were mostly beyond High School at that point. We just kept thinking it would slow down later. I know the more experienced parents in this sphere are shaking their heads and chuckling. That will probably be me one day, as well.
For those who are very nervously wondering if "what they say is true" and that it speed up, I can't exactly say that. It feels like it, certainly, but the overall grade level progression, and most individual subjects has stayed at about the same rate for M, according to the Peabody results. I have already stated why my instincts on this particular issue aren't ones I can trust, lol. If they continue at this rate, she'll have one subject at the start of High school in the Spring, but overall, have graduated from High School. She will be 11. Does that terrify others? It certainly terrifies her father and I!!!
If you follow this blog, I humbly thank you, and you will know that we have had monstrous personal life circumstances for a couple of years. If not, I thank you for reading this one, and you now know the boiled down background for the rest of the post.
Approaching this Fall, I simply wasn't ready to start homeschooling again. I'm just too run down. I feel drained, hollowed out, and incapable of doing justice to M in the area of education. The fact that she is advancing so quickly doesn't minimize the effect. A year ago, I felt the same, but not as severely . . . although at the time, I couldn't imagine it being more severe. Here's hoping what doesn't kill us makes us stronger!
This year, we lost a beloved family member and held the funeral just before the school year started. I had not fully healed from multiple other emotional blows during the past years when the terminal diagnosis was given early this calendar year. We are honored to have been allowed to devote a lot of our time to this amazing person throughout the year, and that is a balm to the wounds.
In some ways, starting a couple of new class schedules right after the funeral was good timing. It was a clean start. There wasn't the strangeness of the regular schedule blocks suddenly leaving. Mostly, anyway. The day I had set aside for that still feels echoing and cold, even on warm days. M, thankfully, doesn't seem to be aware of that, and I am thankful she is spared that. She has enough wounds, anyhow.
In other ways, the timing was jarring. There was no buffer time to just recover and sit in the experience. 2014 left me the summer to do just that, and in retrospect, I understand the gift that was more fully than I did at the time.
We are not ignoring the experience and the wounds and the healing. All of us in this house have seen psychologists to help us cope in as healthy a manner as possible. I am so thankful for that support. We are continuing to use these resources as we have a rocky fall.
This Fall, most of M's classes are taught by others. We use online teachers, video teachers, and more than one source of in-person teachers for her. Our intention was to have very qualified teachers helping her, especially in subjects that I am not gifted in. The benefit we were hoping for was space for me to be a little bit less involved as I heal, and for her to have other environments with fewer triggers around recent events. Sometimes it seems like this is working.
Other times, it is apparent that I am not functioning as well as I'd like to. For instance, I tend to make appointments in groups. In past years, we used those as "appointment weeks" and just took a week off of our at-home curriculum. Since she's ahead of the state requirements and tends to take classes in the summer, this seemed ideal. Note to self: you cannot take a week off when you are not the teacher. This is one of those instances where someone who sometimes seems smart shows that moments of obvious lesser intelligence still shine through. Poor M. She was the one that suffered most through that one.
As a family, we are trying to adapt and meander toward a more functional lifestyle. Right after registrations, I realized we were in too deep, and M and I decided to drop one class only days after registration. That was an expensive decision and one that her father was wonderfully supportive of. We still began the Fall knowing we had a really heavy load of classes, despite having signed up for only some of what was interesting and useful for the semester.
We said we'd stay flexible and adapt as necessary, making these decisions between hospital visits and mentally shutting down for the day. We knew it wasn't the greatest time to be doing this, but it's what we were given, and we did our best. Overall, it just feels messy. I know it doesn't look as messy as it feels because we have wonderful friends who understand and are completely honest with us. They love us, accept us, support us, and let us know when we are out of line. I cannot imagine survival without them.
So . . . we have a high school student in some ways and a typical learning-time-management girl who is developmentally appropriate to her age in that respect. Can you picture it? She's also a perfectionist, as are her parents, which makes life more difficult as we all battle that particular ailment. Every time we adapt, M and I both feel remorse and some degree of failure, even when that is not an appropriate response. Her parents are also both deeply wounded and grieving, rather than perfectly resourced to help her find that balance.
We are struggling to find balance and appropriate priorities. While my own child is reasonably my higher priority as a mother, I now have other family members who need motherly involvement in a way that is appropriate and important for me to try and address to whatever small degree I can.
I also need to take care of myself while all this is happening so that I can do my best at finding balance, when what I really want is to be Superwoman and Supermom. My instinctual goal is to try and do it all perfectly all the time and looking perfectly put together & made up. Yes, I do realize it's ridiculous. It's also honest. I need to take care of myself so that I am capable of helping anyone.
After the wonderful insight of Brene Brown in the Gifts of Imperfection, I'm an aspiring good-enough-er. Who's with me?
Last Spring was a wake up call when we got the Peabody test results. One subject is not yet to High school level, but should be this Spring if the trajectory stays true. The others were mostly beyond High School at that point. We just kept thinking it would slow down later. I know the more experienced parents in this sphere are shaking their heads and chuckling. That will probably be me one day, as well.
For those who are very nervously wondering if "what they say is true" and that it speed up, I can't exactly say that. It feels like it, certainly, but the overall grade level progression, and most individual subjects has stayed at about the same rate for M, according to the Peabody results. I have already stated why my instincts on this particular issue aren't ones I can trust, lol. If they continue at this rate, she'll have one subject at the start of High school in the Spring, but overall, have graduated from High School. She will be 11. Does that terrify others? It certainly terrifies her father and I!!!
If you follow this blog, I humbly thank you, and you will know that we have had monstrous personal life circumstances for a couple of years. If not, I thank you for reading this one, and you now know the boiled down background for the rest of the post.
Approaching this Fall, I simply wasn't ready to start homeschooling again. I'm just too run down. I feel drained, hollowed out, and incapable of doing justice to M in the area of education. The fact that she is advancing so quickly doesn't minimize the effect. A year ago, I felt the same, but not as severely . . . although at the time, I couldn't imagine it being more severe. Here's hoping what doesn't kill us makes us stronger!
This year, we lost a beloved family member and held the funeral just before the school year started. I had not fully healed from multiple other emotional blows during the past years when the terminal diagnosis was given early this calendar year. We are honored to have been allowed to devote a lot of our time to this amazing person throughout the year, and that is a balm to the wounds.
In some ways, starting a couple of new class schedules right after the funeral was good timing. It was a clean start. There wasn't the strangeness of the regular schedule blocks suddenly leaving. Mostly, anyway. The day I had set aside for that still feels echoing and cold, even on warm days. M, thankfully, doesn't seem to be aware of that, and I am thankful she is spared that. She has enough wounds, anyhow.
In other ways, the timing was jarring. There was no buffer time to just recover and sit in the experience. 2014 left me the summer to do just that, and in retrospect, I understand the gift that was more fully than I did at the time.
We are not ignoring the experience and the wounds and the healing. All of us in this house have seen psychologists to help us cope in as healthy a manner as possible. I am so thankful for that support. We are continuing to use these resources as we have a rocky fall.
This Fall, most of M's classes are taught by others. We use online teachers, video teachers, and more than one source of in-person teachers for her. Our intention was to have very qualified teachers helping her, especially in subjects that I am not gifted in. The benefit we were hoping for was space for me to be a little bit less involved as I heal, and for her to have other environments with fewer triggers around recent events. Sometimes it seems like this is working.
Other times, it is apparent that I am not functioning as well as I'd like to. For instance, I tend to make appointments in groups. In past years, we used those as "appointment weeks" and just took a week off of our at-home curriculum. Since she's ahead of the state requirements and tends to take classes in the summer, this seemed ideal. Note to self: you cannot take a week off when you are not the teacher. This is one of those instances where someone who sometimes seems smart shows that moments of obvious lesser intelligence still shine through. Poor M. She was the one that suffered most through that one.
As a family, we are trying to adapt and meander toward a more functional lifestyle. Right after registrations, I realized we were in too deep, and M and I decided to drop one class only days after registration. That was an expensive decision and one that her father was wonderfully supportive of. We still began the Fall knowing we had a really heavy load of classes, despite having signed up for only some of what was interesting and useful for the semester.
We said we'd stay flexible and adapt as necessary, making these decisions between hospital visits and mentally shutting down for the day. We knew it wasn't the greatest time to be doing this, but it's what we were given, and we did our best. Overall, it just feels messy. I know it doesn't look as messy as it feels because we have wonderful friends who understand and are completely honest with us. They love us, accept us, support us, and let us know when we are out of line. I cannot imagine survival without them.
So . . . we have a high school student in some ways and a typical learning-time-management girl who is developmentally appropriate to her age in that respect. Can you picture it? She's also a perfectionist, as are her parents, which makes life more difficult as we all battle that particular ailment. Every time we adapt, M and I both feel remorse and some degree of failure, even when that is not an appropriate response. Her parents are also both deeply wounded and grieving, rather than perfectly resourced to help her find that balance.
We are struggling to find balance and appropriate priorities. While my own child is reasonably my higher priority as a mother, I now have other family members who need motherly involvement in a way that is appropriate and important for me to try and address to whatever small degree I can.
I also need to take care of myself while all this is happening so that I can do my best at finding balance, when what I really want is to be Superwoman and Supermom. My instinctual goal is to try and do it all perfectly all the time and looking perfectly put together & made up. Yes, I do realize it's ridiculous. It's also honest. I need to take care of myself so that I am capable of helping anyone.
After the wonderful insight of Brene Brown in the Gifts of Imperfection, I'm an aspiring good-enough-er. Who's with me?
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