I have generalized anxiety disorder, which is far more common than people realize. I have been treated and "stable" (whatever that means) for many years, but it's part of my daily reality.
Not long after my diagnosis, my psychiatrist told me that I needed to recognize the benefits of the condition. I snorted, made a sound like, "pffft!" and said, "benefits? of my disorder?" Yeah. He took it all in stride, not reacting and letting me process the comment. When he had my attention again, he said something like, "Yes. You see more than most people. You notice things others don't, and that is an advantage when you react to the information in a healthy manner. What you see is there, whether or not other people see it. You're not imagining things. You just have more information."
My first reaction was that it was good to hear I wasn't hallucinating. Unfortunately, hallucinating IS the allergic reaction I can have to some medications I will never take again, so this was comforting.
I thought about those words a long time. I grew up hearing "you're oversensitive," "you're overreacting," "you're just looking for shock value," "I didn't notice that," "you must be imagining things," etc. As I began to trust that what I saw was actually there, I learned to react more healthfully to the abundance of information entering my mind all the time. Not surprisingly, I need my quiet time and time alone every. single. day. Without it, I just want to scream. It's overstimulating to the extreme.
M has this same gift/curse of hyper-awareness, although she has not been diagnosed with anxiety. You know how they say ignorance is bliss? What does that make our hyper-awareness, I wonder. I think how we choose to handle it can make it a number of things, but it doesn't automatically produce bliss. That I know!
I'm not sure how interrelated this might be with giftedness. They are both neurological, so it's reasonable and logical to think they could be related.
How many highly gifted kids do I know who are hyper-aware in one way or another? I cannot count them. Sensory issues are hyper-awarenesses. Visual memories are definitely hyper-awarenesses. There are so many . . . .
Kids who are hyper-aware can tend to be perfectionistic. They can tend to be extremely literal and to correct small inconsistencies. Those are hyper-reactions. They might need to move all the time - often called hyper motor disorder. I'm not even going to try and produce a complete list. You get the idea.
Bak to M. She was sitting with a sick relative and they were doing a test. M got very intense in her watching, but not in her speaking. I'm not sure what was whirring through that precious head. I asked the nurse a general question and got a reasonable, calming kind of response. I didn't believe her because of the "benefits of my disorder." I saw her eyes. Awareness is not bliss in this situation.
Two days later, admittance to the hospital happened. Again. The day after that, a move to the ICU. Again. Instead of stress beginning with the hospital news it began the day of the test for me and my girl.
We have a gradeschool-aged kid, who tests (by an independent tester) as a high school level student, and has the emotional age that ping pongs randomly to either side of her chronological age (depending on the topic), who is now aware that things with a loved one are quite serious. You can imagine the emotional reactions. Actually, I hope that you cannot. Like I said, it's not ignorance and bliss. Imagine having the intellectual capacity to understand the heightened amount of information you automatically take in, but an emotional capacity that has no idea what to do with it.
These are the types of days I really hope noone in their blissful ignorance says, "That must be so easy for you!" or "How wonderful! I wish my child was gifted like that!" On days like this, I wish she wasn't. On days like this, I think ignorance might be bliss and wish she had more of that.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Joy even in grief ~or~ Gifted grief is not better.
I have still been thinking about this blog, people going through similar journeys, and living the journey. I just realized I have only one post from this calendar year and decided to do something about it. I hope to get more regular about it in time. The reason I've been absent is that I'm soaking up the life I have available to me right now, knowing that some of those options might not be there in the near future.
There is a lot of stress in our family now, due to a statistically terminal diagnosis in a loved one. If you've read a number of my entries or know me personally, you're aware that we had several funerals over the course of a just a few months - that ended just over a year ago, and the current patient was diagnosed in January. It's been tough. Very tough.
What do you do when stuff like that happens? Most ask why. It's a fair question and one that we may not get a satisfactory answer to in this lifetime. Some avoid it or act like everything will be fine out of a belief in the power of positivity. Some despair because it is so sad and feels so unfair to everyone involved. Everyone grieves differently, and in the face of a terminal diagnosis, grief is appropriate.
This is a topic and experience where I feel like we can be a little more mainstream. After all, everyone deals with it. And yet, since we are atypical, some parts still look different.
I personally choose to react and prepare with statistical and logical reason, but continue to hope miraculously. We are Christian and believe that God CAN do anything. Sometimes, however, it is not in his plan. My choices are hedging bets, perhaps, but it works for me.
M was despairing recently about the number of losses and starting to feel a lot of anxiety about her own health and that of her parents - she has seen parents closely related to her die, as well as their children dealing with it. This is perfectly reasonable for her to experience, but how many kids would be able to turn a corner in about 5 minutes because of this scenario?
me: "OK, so the population of the US is ______." Get a calculator, and I'll look up the numbers.
M: "OK, I have the calculator." Tears stop.
We divide the number of cases of one particular kind of cancer in a year by the population of the US, finding it to be far less than 1%. M looks relieved and confused.
Next, we divide the number of cases of another kind of cancer in a year by the US population and find it also to be far less than 1%. She looks much cheered for an instant, then positively perplexed.
We add them together to find that there is maybe 0.1% chance (rounding up) of being diagnosed with either kind in a year.
M: "So why have we known SO many?!"
me: "I don't know. It's just really bad luck to know 4 cases considering those odds."
M looks thoughtful, but much more peaceful, and goes about her day.
She repeated those odds to a psychologist later, so I know she is reasoning her way through the experiences. It works for her. For some, it would not. I jokingly tell people I'm cursed and not to get close to me. However, a couple of decades ago after losing my second peer-aged friend to cancer, I did feel that way. It's difficult to navigate.
A highly gifted child may be able to reason their way through it more easily. I don't know. M is highly logical and literal, so it seems to help her. However, she also understands the diagnosis at a deeper level than her age should indicate, making things harder. I know so many parents who have tried to get psychological help for their gifted child (which tends toward depression, anxiety, etc.) only to find that play therapy is tried. For kids like M, who gave up toys at an alarmingly early age out of boredom, this is obviously ineffective.
When life feels out of control, we try to control it. Call it anxiety, or call it perfectionism - it's painful and a coping mechanism either way. We have put boundaries around how much time we spend in the throws of it, but making sure we are in the throws of it; being apart from the patient for too long makes life hard, as well. It's like walking an emotional tightrope.
We find things that are meaningful to the patient and do that. For my husband, it meant hearing she wanted licorice and buying her every flavor of his favorite brand. She is an enthusiastic and appreciative person who is SUPER fun to please & not too difficult to make smile, so this is especially satisfying.
I decided to update the house a little. I got rid of some things I never liked, and had a Goodwill shopping spree (yes, I am that kind of nerd) to get some more fun and happy things into our home. I also got some scented shower gel that makes me happy and improved my mood that way. One of my closest friends did the same, which made me feel even better. They are small things, but they work a little.
We still have our bad days.
One day a few months ago, I was not interested in getting out of bed (although I did get out of bed), and M came into the room and gave me a hug. I had been crying, which sadly does not throw her at this point. Here's how the convo went:
me: It's times like this that I wonder if school would bet better for you than homeschooling. There aren't many, but this is one of them.
M: WHY?! [with wide scared eyes - oops]
me: Because with homeschooling, you have fewer breaks from all of the trauma and grief than you would if you were in school. It would be a break from the emotional environment.
M: Not me!!! I mean, these are life skills! I need to learn this stuff!! Everyone does. At least I can talk about it with you and learn how to deal with it now instead of later. I'm glad I'm home during this, and I'm glad I'm with _____ during this. It's important. [returning to her nonchalant mannerisms]
Bottom line: I was schooled by a 10 year old.
In the midst of all the stuff we're going through, we have been able to support a charitable effort that is meaningful to the patient we are supporting. We have been able to support the rest of the family of the patient in various ways: geeking out over cleaning out a freezer (seriously) before a grad party, learning about volleyball, buying random nail polish, doing a bunch of teenagers' laundry, cleaning out a fridge, helping with a new puppy, sitting with the patient, starting dinners, etc. We are finding and strengthening a number of relationships through the experience.
We had a great family vacation, as well. M has found another option for classes that she is absolutely loving, for a total of 3 sources of classes for her outside our home (but still technically homeschooling). My husband is growing into a job he is loving and good at. We are cooking more at home and having fun with fresh local produce. I'm meeting friends regularly just to chat. We're meeting other families at events and getting out of the house. We are filling the cupboards and freezer with some of the fresh local produce to use this winter and improve our menu and ease of meal planning this winter. Finally, we play games at home and with friends, and card games are common at the house of the patient.
Even in grief, there can be great joy. Don't miss the joy from focusing too much on the grief or from avoiding it altogether. Although we wouldn't wish the hard stuff on anyone, we would NEVER give up what we have gained through the tough experiences.
There is a lot of stress in our family now, due to a statistically terminal diagnosis in a loved one. If you've read a number of my entries or know me personally, you're aware that we had several funerals over the course of a just a few months - that ended just over a year ago, and the current patient was diagnosed in January. It's been tough. Very tough.
What do you do when stuff like that happens? Most ask why. It's a fair question and one that we may not get a satisfactory answer to in this lifetime. Some avoid it or act like everything will be fine out of a belief in the power of positivity. Some despair because it is so sad and feels so unfair to everyone involved. Everyone grieves differently, and in the face of a terminal diagnosis, grief is appropriate.
This is a topic and experience where I feel like we can be a little more mainstream. After all, everyone deals with it. And yet, since we are atypical, some parts still look different.
I personally choose to react and prepare with statistical and logical reason, but continue to hope miraculously. We are Christian and believe that God CAN do anything. Sometimes, however, it is not in his plan. My choices are hedging bets, perhaps, but it works for me.
M was despairing recently about the number of losses and starting to feel a lot of anxiety about her own health and that of her parents - she has seen parents closely related to her die, as well as their children dealing with it. This is perfectly reasonable for her to experience, but how many kids would be able to turn a corner in about 5 minutes because of this scenario?
me: "OK, so the population of the US is ______." Get a calculator, and I'll look up the numbers.
M: "OK, I have the calculator." Tears stop.
We divide the number of cases of one particular kind of cancer in a year by the population of the US, finding it to be far less than 1%. M looks relieved and confused.
Next, we divide the number of cases of another kind of cancer in a year by the US population and find it also to be far less than 1%. She looks much cheered for an instant, then positively perplexed.
We add them together to find that there is maybe 0.1% chance (rounding up) of being diagnosed with either kind in a year.
M: "So why have we known SO many?!"
me: "I don't know. It's just really bad luck to know 4 cases considering those odds."
M looks thoughtful, but much more peaceful, and goes about her day.
She repeated those odds to a psychologist later, so I know she is reasoning her way through the experiences. It works for her. For some, it would not. I jokingly tell people I'm cursed and not to get close to me. However, a couple of decades ago after losing my second peer-aged friend to cancer, I did feel that way. It's difficult to navigate.
A highly gifted child may be able to reason their way through it more easily. I don't know. M is highly logical and literal, so it seems to help her. However, she also understands the diagnosis at a deeper level than her age should indicate, making things harder. I know so many parents who have tried to get psychological help for their gifted child (which tends toward depression, anxiety, etc.) only to find that play therapy is tried. For kids like M, who gave up toys at an alarmingly early age out of boredom, this is obviously ineffective.
When life feels out of control, we try to control it. Call it anxiety, or call it perfectionism - it's painful and a coping mechanism either way. We have put boundaries around how much time we spend in the throws of it, but making sure we are in the throws of it; being apart from the patient for too long makes life hard, as well. It's like walking an emotional tightrope.
We find things that are meaningful to the patient and do that. For my husband, it meant hearing she wanted licorice and buying her every flavor of his favorite brand. She is an enthusiastic and appreciative person who is SUPER fun to please & not too difficult to make smile, so this is especially satisfying.
I decided to update the house a little. I got rid of some things I never liked, and had a Goodwill shopping spree (yes, I am that kind of nerd) to get some more fun and happy things into our home. I also got some scented shower gel that makes me happy and improved my mood that way. One of my closest friends did the same, which made me feel even better. They are small things, but they work a little.
We still have our bad days.
One day a few months ago, I was not interested in getting out of bed (although I did get out of bed), and M came into the room and gave me a hug. I had been crying, which sadly does not throw her at this point. Here's how the convo went:
me: It's times like this that I wonder if school would bet better for you than homeschooling. There aren't many, but this is one of them.
M: WHY?! [with wide scared eyes - oops]
me: Because with homeschooling, you have fewer breaks from all of the trauma and grief than you would if you were in school. It would be a break from the emotional environment.
M: Not me!!! I mean, these are life skills! I need to learn this stuff!! Everyone does. At least I can talk about it with you and learn how to deal with it now instead of later. I'm glad I'm home during this, and I'm glad I'm with _____ during this. It's important. [returning to her nonchalant mannerisms]
Bottom line: I was schooled by a 10 year old.
In the midst of all the stuff we're going through, we have been able to support a charitable effort that is meaningful to the patient we are supporting. We have been able to support the rest of the family of the patient in various ways: geeking out over cleaning out a freezer (seriously) before a grad party, learning about volleyball, buying random nail polish, doing a bunch of teenagers' laundry, cleaning out a fridge, helping with a new puppy, sitting with the patient, starting dinners, etc. We are finding and strengthening a number of relationships through the experience.
We had a great family vacation, as well. M has found another option for classes that she is absolutely loving, for a total of 3 sources of classes for her outside our home (but still technically homeschooling). My husband is growing into a job he is loving and good at. We are cooking more at home and having fun with fresh local produce. I'm meeting friends regularly just to chat. We're meeting other families at events and getting out of the house. We are filling the cupboards and freezer with some of the fresh local produce to use this winter and improve our menu and ease of meal planning this winter. Finally, we play games at home and with friends, and card games are common at the house of the patient.
Even in grief, there can be great joy. Don't miss the joy from focusing too much on the grief or from avoiding it altogether. Although we wouldn't wish the hard stuff on anyone, we would NEVER give up what we have gained through the tough experiences.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Doing a little reading
We are still around, and I'm not yet ready to reengage as much as I'd like with this blog, but wanted to share something I just read.
"What is similar . . . is that all of these gifted children have an intense passion to understand and master whatever is making them curious. They are extremely quick to learn and do not give up until they fully understand what they are curious about. They are persistent about needing to know and will pursue their passion over their lifetime." ~ Barbara Klein, Ph.D. in Raising Gifted Kids
This is the shortest description of what giftedness is that has ever rung true to me. Thought I'd share it. I think there must exist a better label than gifted, with all its stigmas. I think intense might be the closest word I have considered.
This was also helpful to me. A few years in, this is the closest "right answer" I have found to the question of what to do about it:
"Simple as it may sound, you need to listen to and observe your child. Then you need to react to your inner thoughts and understanding about your child, Your job is to always react when your child is communicating with you. [YIKES! This is all the time in our home!!!!!] A parent's reactions are so telling, important and truthful. You need to learn to trust yourself and your instincts about your child. Your parenting will go forward more easily because your children will be seen and valued for who they are . . . . They 'best way' or the 'right way' to deal with a gifted child is to gradually acknowledge, and come to accept, that you are facing a challenge. By a country mile, your child will not be the easiest kid on the block to raise because of his or her energy, curiosity, intelligence, and sensitivity. . . . Parenting a gifted child is truly a challenge."
~ Barbara Klein, Ph.D. in Raising Gifted Kids
Has anyone else been told how nice and easy it must be to have a gifted child? If so, was anyone else tempted to slap the person who said it? ;)
Our life is full of sorrow and joy both right now. We are soaking up all the time we can with a beloved relative who is terminally ill. If you know me personally or if you have followed this blog from earlier times, you may remember that we had a lot of death and grief previously - about a year ago was the end of a 9 month season that included 4 funerals. As those of you who can relate to the above sections, you can imagine how this complicates the life of a homeschooler of a gifted child. Your thoughts, prayers, positive vides, good juju, and patience are appreciated. :)
"What is similar . . . is that all of these gifted children have an intense passion to understand and master whatever is making them curious. They are extremely quick to learn and do not give up until they fully understand what they are curious about. They are persistent about needing to know and will pursue their passion over their lifetime." ~ Barbara Klein, Ph.D. in Raising Gifted Kids
This is the shortest description of what giftedness is that has ever rung true to me. Thought I'd share it. I think there must exist a better label than gifted, with all its stigmas. I think intense might be the closest word I have considered.
This was also helpful to me. A few years in, this is the closest "right answer" I have found to the question of what to do about it:
"Simple as it may sound, you need to listen to and observe your child. Then you need to react to your inner thoughts and understanding about your child, Your job is to always react when your child is communicating with you. [YIKES! This is all the time in our home!!!!!] A parent's reactions are so telling, important and truthful. You need to learn to trust yourself and your instincts about your child. Your parenting will go forward more easily because your children will be seen and valued for who they are . . . . They 'best way' or the 'right way' to deal with a gifted child is to gradually acknowledge, and come to accept, that you are facing a challenge. By a country mile, your child will not be the easiest kid on the block to raise because of his or her energy, curiosity, intelligence, and sensitivity. . . . Parenting a gifted child is truly a challenge."
~ Barbara Klein, Ph.D. in Raising Gifted Kids
Has anyone else been told how nice and easy it must be to have a gifted child? If so, was anyone else tempted to slap the person who said it? ;)
Our life is full of sorrow and joy both right now. We are soaking up all the time we can with a beloved relative who is terminally ill. If you know me personally or if you have followed this blog from earlier times, you may remember that we had a lot of death and grief previously - about a year ago was the end of a 9 month season that included 4 funerals. As those of you who can relate to the above sections, you can imagine how this complicates the life of a homeschooler of a gifted child. Your thoughts, prayers, positive vides, good juju, and patience are appreciated. :)
Thursday, November 6, 2014
How do you feel when you read "Smarter Than Others"?
That phrase is the title of an Internet posting. When I read the phrase, I cringe a little. There is so much stigma and assumed pride (and not the good kind) in that kind of phrase. I think it's the word "than" that gets me. Maybe it's an oversimplification, but why can't we just be different and have that be OK?
When it comes up that M's IQ is higher than many, some assume it means that we are saying "better than" which we absolutely are not. Ever! I know of some examples of people with high IQ who I definitely value less than some with lower IQs - this is not about the value of the individual. It is about the way they process information.
When they are talking about this, they are not calling anyone dumb or stupid in the article. This is not about degrading anyone else. Everyone has value. Everyone.
This is the section of that article that resonates with me most, however:
In her book The Gifted Adult: A Revolutionary Guide for Liberating Everyday Genius, Mary-Elaine Jacobsen writes, “To feel like an outsider, to constantly pressure yourself to hold back your gifts in order to fit in or avoid disapproval, to erroneously believe that you are overly sensitive, compulsively perfectionistic, and blindly driven, to live without knowing the basic truths about the core of your being – too often this is the life of Everyday Geniuses who have been kept in the dark about who they are and misinformed about their differences.”
I am understanding myself better as I learn about my daughter. So much of what I am reading related to her life reminds me of my own.
Steve Jobs saw his father as smart, according to the article. I think his father was. If he could figure out anything mechanical, that is an area of intelligence that some people simply don't have. If his father had it, he was smart that way. I don't know what his IQ was, but I am uncomfortable about how the article portrays the parents of gifted children.
In my experience, most parents of gifted children feel like their kids are smarter than they are. I know I do frequently. However, I think it's a dangerous place to go. It's simply not true in a literal way. Not in my opinion, at least. I think there are a lot of the aforementioned Everyday Geniuses who are unaware of their label. It does not change who they are, but it does affect how they process things and function. I meet so many families where I can clearly see the similarities, yet they say things like "I don't think of my children as gifted." (a real life example from the last couple of weeks), and I felt the same way. I simply didn't know.
As test scores go, my husband has a higher intelligence than I do. However, when it comes to mechanical things, I tend to be the more successful one in many instances. Add the gender stereotypes to this and it makes for an uncomfortable situation at times. Does that mean I'm dumb? No. Does it mean he is? No.
I was involved in a few conversations recently about how some parents who choose to stay home and/or homeschool are seen as wasted potential. It's a reality in some cases. One of the amazing women I've been getting to know better completed med school. She is at home with kids and homeschooling. I do NOT consider that wasted potential. She is investing in the future in every possible way. However, I know another woman in a similar situation who would not consider making the same decision, despite being advised that her children have a similar need by an educational psychologist. Why? I'm sure she would disagree, but quite simply, it's pride and fear. She feels she needs to use her medical degree, and is proud of her accomplishment in that area. It's tied to her self-worth. The previous example sees her choice as a valuable one and feels she is using her medical degree in the health of her children and everyday life in many ways.
I have heard some talented writers talk about reactions to their choice to homeschool as wasted potential, as well. First of all, they are still writing. They are still working. I do not work for pay at this time, but many of homeschooling parents do. They have found a way to work and homsechool in one simultaneous lifetime. I am utterly amazed but them.
Here's what I want to know overall. Why would investing time and attention into children ever be seen as less important? Isn't that our future? Why on earth would we want people who are perceived as less capable to be the only ones working with our children? Seriously, even if we bought into all these stereotypes, doesn't that rub anyone else the wrong way?
If we want them in the best schools, headed for the best careers and in the best internships, why wouldn't we want them around the best people? However you define best, this does not make sense to me. I want my kid to have the best, just as others do. I define that as what makes her happiest, so long as it also leaves her functional in life, as far as paying bills, reading mail, and staying relatively healthy. This was our goal for her before we knew her IQ. Knowing her IQ was not our plan. Now that we do, our goal for her remains the same. All the IQ test did for us was help us understand how to facilitate that goal in her life.
Wishing you the freedom to pursue happiness in whatever way that presents itself in your life, and freedom from the pressure of any expectations that inhibit happiness.
When it comes up that M's IQ is higher than many, some assume it means that we are saying "better than" which we absolutely are not. Ever! I know of some examples of people with high IQ who I definitely value less than some with lower IQs - this is not about the value of the individual. It is about the way they process information.
When they are talking about this, they are not calling anyone dumb or stupid in the article. This is not about degrading anyone else. Everyone has value. Everyone.
This is the section of that article that resonates with me most, however:
In her book The Gifted Adult: A Revolutionary Guide for Liberating Everyday Genius, Mary-Elaine Jacobsen writes, “To feel like an outsider, to constantly pressure yourself to hold back your gifts in order to fit in or avoid disapproval, to erroneously believe that you are overly sensitive, compulsively perfectionistic, and blindly driven, to live without knowing the basic truths about the core of your being – too often this is the life of Everyday Geniuses who have been kept in the dark about who they are and misinformed about their differences.”
I am understanding myself better as I learn about my daughter. So much of what I am reading related to her life reminds me of my own.
Steve Jobs saw his father as smart, according to the article. I think his father was. If he could figure out anything mechanical, that is an area of intelligence that some people simply don't have. If his father had it, he was smart that way. I don't know what his IQ was, but I am uncomfortable about how the article portrays the parents of gifted children.
In my experience, most parents of gifted children feel like their kids are smarter than they are. I know I do frequently. However, I think it's a dangerous place to go. It's simply not true in a literal way. Not in my opinion, at least. I think there are a lot of the aforementioned Everyday Geniuses who are unaware of their label. It does not change who they are, but it does affect how they process things and function. I meet so many families where I can clearly see the similarities, yet they say things like "I don't think of my children as gifted." (a real life example from the last couple of weeks), and I felt the same way. I simply didn't know.
As test scores go, my husband has a higher intelligence than I do. However, when it comes to mechanical things, I tend to be the more successful one in many instances. Add the gender stereotypes to this and it makes for an uncomfortable situation at times. Does that mean I'm dumb? No. Does it mean he is? No.
I was involved in a few conversations recently about how some parents who choose to stay home and/or homeschool are seen as wasted potential. It's a reality in some cases. One of the amazing women I've been getting to know better completed med school. She is at home with kids and homeschooling. I do NOT consider that wasted potential. She is investing in the future in every possible way. However, I know another woman in a similar situation who would not consider making the same decision, despite being advised that her children have a similar need by an educational psychologist. Why? I'm sure she would disagree, but quite simply, it's pride and fear. She feels she needs to use her medical degree, and is proud of her accomplishment in that area. It's tied to her self-worth. The previous example sees her choice as a valuable one and feels she is using her medical degree in the health of her children and everyday life in many ways.
I have heard some talented writers talk about reactions to their choice to homeschool as wasted potential, as well. First of all, they are still writing. They are still working. I do not work for pay at this time, but many of homeschooling parents do. They have found a way to work and homsechool in one simultaneous lifetime. I am utterly amazed but them.
Here's what I want to know overall. Why would investing time and attention into children ever be seen as less important? Isn't that our future? Why on earth would we want people who are perceived as less capable to be the only ones working with our children? Seriously, even if we bought into all these stereotypes, doesn't that rub anyone else the wrong way?
If we want them in the best schools, headed for the best careers and in the best internships, why wouldn't we want them around the best people? However you define best, this does not make sense to me. I want my kid to have the best, just as others do. I define that as what makes her happiest, so long as it also leaves her functional in life, as far as paying bills, reading mail, and staying relatively healthy. This was our goal for her before we knew her IQ. Knowing her IQ was not our plan. Now that we do, our goal for her remains the same. All the IQ test did for us was help us understand how to facilitate that goal in her life.
Wishing you the freedom to pursue happiness in whatever way that presents itself in your life, and freedom from the pressure of any expectations that inhibit happiness.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Frozen - a movie about a powerfully gifted girl
We just watched Frozen again. Tonight, I saw it in a whole different light, even though I have seen it many times. Considering an entire room full of kids of various ages started singing "Let It Go" in a swim school waiting area, I'm sure many know the story line. For those of you who don't, consider this your spoiler alert.
Elsa, the elder daughter and future queen starts the movie showing us all sorts of fun and creative ways she has learned to use her snow and ice powers to creatively play with her sister and bring them both delight. Watching gifted kids play imaginatively is so amazing, isn't it? In the area of play, every child has an area of giftedness, in my mind. The magic in my eyes is the delight in the expression of anyone playing in a way that brings them delight.
An accident happens, Anna, the beloved sister gets hurt, but in fairness, this is more due to Anna's choices than Elsa's, and throwing in the one and only time in the movie that Elsa slips on ice . . . . sorry, but I am OCD about story consistencies . . . . moving on.
The trolls heal Anna, but remove all memory of magic, just to be safe. I don't really understand the "safe" concept. Life is not safe. We can go through life trying to make it so, but it won't be. Also, why would her memory of magic be unsafe? This is never explained in the movie. They also warn Elsa that fear will be her enemy throughout her life. and that she must learn to control her power.
The parents react protectively, urging Elsa to keep it a secret, and not to feel. She adopts this mantra that is all about denying a powerful gift she has, and it is centered on fear, rather than control. In order to control something, mustn't we embrace it? If fear is the enemy, why focus on it and instill it?
When her powers are revealed just following her coronation, of course she flees in terror. So, now on to the famous earworm song that parents everywhere know . . . . "Let It Go" If you are unfamiliar with the song (or even if you are), take a moment to check out this video. It is my favorite version, and a short one.
Earlier in the song than that clip, she talks about the good girl she always has to be: "don't let them see, don't let them know. Well now they know." She then started deliberately using her powers for the first time in the movie since her sister was hurt. What she builds is beautiful and amazing, and is something that will be gracing many walls and frames for years to come, I'm sure. How? She uses a tremendous, unusual power with control.
However, she is wracked with guilt, believing she has let people down and done something wrong. It's not the truth, but the result of years of misinterpretation and good intentions gone wrong. Can anyone else think of examples of this from other characters in stories? People in the media? Family members? Criminals? Seriously, the worst criminals are really really gifted in what they do.
We aren't supposed to talk about highly gifted individuals, especially as highly biased parents. We might make someone feel bad about their child who is unique and wonderful (or difficult and challenging) in a different way. So, we raise the kids protectively, and coach them to keep their incredible talents hidden, and to look like and act like everyone else. Then, they start to believe that being different, even in very positive ways, is a bad thing.
Is that what we intend as parents? Of course not. However, they learn it nonetheless. I did. My daughter did. I know so many who did and have not yet begun to embrace their own atypicialities that make them amazing and beautiful and talented . . . even into adulthood. It's a tragedy. A tragedy for them, and a tragedy for everyone who might have been positively impacted by them.
Before we understood the ways M was unique, she felt bad about herself. She knew she was different in some ways, and she assumed that made her weird and was bad. In fact, she assumed she was failing school, which was never even close to true. None of the teachers or other school staff or family members believed that or wanted her to feel that way, but she did.
Once we got some good input, we were connected with other families with similar atypicalities and her whole world changed. She has a place where it is safe to be herself, atypicalities and all (and where I can be completely nuts and be accepted, too). Now that we have had that for a while, she is thriving. She is thriving in that group, and she is thriving in more mainstream groups, and in sports and all over the place. Are they all full of people with the same unique qualities? Of course not! It took just one place she could be safe and be herself, and all the rest of it fell into place.
I think one of the most evil things in the world is the concept that anyone is alone in anything. If you are struggling with something, or have a passion that is unusual, or an interest that your family doesn't understand, find people who do. I don't believe that any one quality can be held by only one person. Ever. You are not alone! M is not alone, and neither are her parents.
So, be inspired by Elsa, and embrace and control your specialities, whatever they may be. Also, be like Anna, who loves her sister and never becomes afraid of her, despite being hurt. People make mistakes. Noone goes through life without wounding others, just as noone goes through life without receiving wounds. Let's challenge ourselves to see this ever-present recent movie to inspire us to live as better people and interact with people around us in a better way, no matter the label - on them or you!
Wishing you warmth and love as the temperatures drop.
Elsa, the elder daughter and future queen starts the movie showing us all sorts of fun and creative ways she has learned to use her snow and ice powers to creatively play with her sister and bring them both delight. Watching gifted kids play imaginatively is so amazing, isn't it? In the area of play, every child has an area of giftedness, in my mind. The magic in my eyes is the delight in the expression of anyone playing in a way that brings them delight.
An accident happens, Anna, the beloved sister gets hurt, but in fairness, this is more due to Anna's choices than Elsa's, and throwing in the one and only time in the movie that Elsa slips on ice . . . . sorry, but I am OCD about story consistencies . . . . moving on.
The trolls heal Anna, but remove all memory of magic, just to be safe. I don't really understand the "safe" concept. Life is not safe. We can go through life trying to make it so, but it won't be. Also, why would her memory of magic be unsafe? This is never explained in the movie. They also warn Elsa that fear will be her enemy throughout her life. and that she must learn to control her power.
The parents react protectively, urging Elsa to keep it a secret, and not to feel. She adopts this mantra that is all about denying a powerful gift she has, and it is centered on fear, rather than control. In order to control something, mustn't we embrace it? If fear is the enemy, why focus on it and instill it?
When her powers are revealed just following her coronation, of course she flees in terror. So, now on to the famous earworm song that parents everywhere know . . . . "Let It Go" If you are unfamiliar with the song (or even if you are), take a moment to check out this video. It is my favorite version, and a short one.
Earlier in the song than that clip, she talks about the good girl she always has to be: "don't let them see, don't let them know. Well now they know." She then started deliberately using her powers for the first time in the movie since her sister was hurt. What she builds is beautiful and amazing, and is something that will be gracing many walls and frames for years to come, I'm sure. How? She uses a tremendous, unusual power with control.
However, she is wracked with guilt, believing she has let people down and done something wrong. It's not the truth, but the result of years of misinterpretation and good intentions gone wrong. Can anyone else think of examples of this from other characters in stories? People in the media? Family members? Criminals? Seriously, the worst criminals are really really gifted in what they do.
We aren't supposed to talk about highly gifted individuals, especially as highly biased parents. We might make someone feel bad about their child who is unique and wonderful (or difficult and challenging) in a different way. So, we raise the kids protectively, and coach them to keep their incredible talents hidden, and to look like and act like everyone else. Then, they start to believe that being different, even in very positive ways, is a bad thing.
Is that what we intend as parents? Of course not. However, they learn it nonetheless. I did. My daughter did. I know so many who did and have not yet begun to embrace their own atypicialities that make them amazing and beautiful and talented . . . even into adulthood. It's a tragedy. A tragedy for them, and a tragedy for everyone who might have been positively impacted by them.
Before we understood the ways M was unique, she felt bad about herself. She knew she was different in some ways, and she assumed that made her weird and was bad. In fact, she assumed she was failing school, which was never even close to true. None of the teachers or other school staff or family members believed that or wanted her to feel that way, but she did.
Once we got some good input, we were connected with other families with similar atypicalities and her whole world changed. She has a place where it is safe to be herself, atypicalities and all (and where I can be completely nuts and be accepted, too). Now that we have had that for a while, she is thriving. She is thriving in that group, and she is thriving in more mainstream groups, and in sports and all over the place. Are they all full of people with the same unique qualities? Of course not! It took just one place she could be safe and be herself, and all the rest of it fell into place.
I think one of the most evil things in the world is the concept that anyone is alone in anything. If you are struggling with something, or have a passion that is unusual, or an interest that your family doesn't understand, find people who do. I don't believe that any one quality can be held by only one person. Ever. You are not alone! M is not alone, and neither are her parents.
So, be inspired by Elsa, and embrace and control your specialities, whatever they may be. Also, be like Anna, who loves her sister and never becomes afraid of her, despite being hurt. People make mistakes. Noone goes through life without wounding others, just as noone goes through life without receiving wounds. Let's challenge ourselves to see this ever-present recent movie to inspire us to live as better people and interact with people around us in a better way, no matter the label - on them or you!
Wishing you warmth and love as the temperatures drop.
Handling changes and obvious atypicality
It's interesting that I posted not long ago about the art of ending well. At the time, my observations and thoughts were all about other people's endings, and trying to related my emotions to past experiences in order to process changes in one particular environment.
Since then, there have been numerous changes in our own lives, and I am challenged to handle those changes gracefully, and may get another opportunity to end something well. Hopefully, each new ending we face will be one I handle better than the last.
We are visiting a new educational environment this upcoming week. If you know me personally, please don't freak out! Only a few people have heard this from me directly, and it's nothing to do with any deficiency anywhere. As is her pattern M looks like she might be ready now for the plan I anticipated next Fall. I shouldn't be surprised. Actually, I'm feeling mostly tired. The short version is that these few months following vision therapy completion were impossible to predict, and we are trying to roll with it. "He just rolls. It's cool how he rolls" ~ The Invisible Man in Hotel Transylvania, in honor of Halloween yesterday :)
The next place we are exploring is one that my husband has been enthusiastic about, and he is taking a day off of work to visit with us. What cracks me up is his supervisor's reaction. M and I have met his current supervisor only once [because he recently switched positions within the company]. When he asked for the day off to visit "a new school" (not the terminology I would use - coop is closer), apparently his supervisor was scared. Isn't that adorable?! Is it just me? What he actually said to my husband was, "you're not putting that child into public school are you?!" My husband laughed and quickly said no, and his supervisor expressed relief. This man met us only once, is not opposed to public school options, and durring a short, unannounced stop at the office one afternoon, and it was clear to him. That pretty much tells our story related to meeting new people.
It makes me remember my friend R talking with me about all of this stuff years ago. She said, "Just don't talk about it with people," after I had expressed frustration that we cannot go anywhere without facing the uniqueness of our situation head on. Well, her son is now older and she is facing it, too. I am small enough to laugh at her and we still get along well :). You see, M talks. To everyone. All. The. Time.
I don't want my girl to grow up feeling that she has to hide herself or conform or fit into expectations. Being polite and respectful is required. Becoming a carbon copy of anyone else or fitting into a cookie cutter shape is not even desirable. Balancing those things is quite difficult for me to figure out in some situations.
Which brings me back to our visit this upcoming week . . . . it's not a special interest environment, so they will not be expecting an atypical child. Well, they are expecting a homeschooled child, so they will be expecting that degree of atypicality, I'll admit . . . Beyond that, they have no information about our unique situation. How should I prepare her?
Growing up, I would have been advised to be quiet and observe, and to smile and be attentive. Many of us would have been told similar things. Of course I want her to smile and be attentive. Observe? Absolutely! Be quiet? Never. Going. To. Happen. I don't want her to stifle what is a big part of her. Does it annoy me sometimes? OF COURSE! However, I do it, too, and I want her to grow up embracing the person God made her to be - or, if you prefer - to be the person she was born to be. She is amazing, unquenchably curious, irrepressibly enthusiastic, completely precocious, and many other admirable and (to be honest) irritating things.
No matter how it turns out, we will be keeping some of our routine the same. If it goes really well, we will be altering part of our schedule to incorporate this new thing in the Spring term, and I'll have yet another opportunity to practice the art of ending well. A week ago, I did not know this was coming. Gotta roll with it. Wish me luck in being the mother she needs me to be.
Since then, there have been numerous changes in our own lives, and I am challenged to handle those changes gracefully, and may get another opportunity to end something well. Hopefully, each new ending we face will be one I handle better than the last.
We are visiting a new educational environment this upcoming week. If you know me personally, please don't freak out! Only a few people have heard this from me directly, and it's nothing to do with any deficiency anywhere. As is her pattern M looks like she might be ready now for the plan I anticipated next Fall. I shouldn't be surprised. Actually, I'm feeling mostly tired. The short version is that these few months following vision therapy completion were impossible to predict, and we are trying to roll with it. "He just rolls. It's cool how he rolls" ~ The Invisible Man in Hotel Transylvania, in honor of Halloween yesterday :)
The next place we are exploring is one that my husband has been enthusiastic about, and he is taking a day off of work to visit with us. What cracks me up is his supervisor's reaction. M and I have met his current supervisor only once [because he recently switched positions within the company]. When he asked for the day off to visit "a new school" (not the terminology I would use - coop is closer), apparently his supervisor was scared. Isn't that adorable?! Is it just me? What he actually said to my husband was, "you're not putting that child into public school are you?!" My husband laughed and quickly said no, and his supervisor expressed relief. This man met us only once, is not opposed to public school options, and durring a short, unannounced stop at the office one afternoon, and it was clear to him. That pretty much tells our story related to meeting new people.
It makes me remember my friend R talking with me about all of this stuff years ago. She said, "Just don't talk about it with people," after I had expressed frustration that we cannot go anywhere without facing the uniqueness of our situation head on. Well, her son is now older and she is facing it, too. I am small enough to laugh at her and we still get along well :). You see, M talks. To everyone. All. The. Time.
I don't want my girl to grow up feeling that she has to hide herself or conform or fit into expectations. Being polite and respectful is required. Becoming a carbon copy of anyone else or fitting into a cookie cutter shape is not even desirable. Balancing those things is quite difficult for me to figure out in some situations.
Which brings me back to our visit this upcoming week . . . . it's not a special interest environment, so they will not be expecting an atypical child. Well, they are expecting a homeschooled child, so they will be expecting that degree of atypicality, I'll admit . . . Beyond that, they have no information about our unique situation. How should I prepare her?
Growing up, I would have been advised to be quiet and observe, and to smile and be attentive. Many of us would have been told similar things. Of course I want her to smile and be attentive. Observe? Absolutely! Be quiet? Never. Going. To. Happen. I don't want her to stifle what is a big part of her. Does it annoy me sometimes? OF COURSE! However, I do it, too, and I want her to grow up embracing the person God made her to be - or, if you prefer - to be the person she was born to be. She is amazing, unquenchably curious, irrepressibly enthusiastic, completely precocious, and many other admirable and (to be honest) irritating things.
No matter how it turns out, we will be keeping some of our routine the same. If it goes really well, we will be altering part of our schedule to incorporate this new thing in the Spring term, and I'll have yet another opportunity to practice the art of ending well. A week ago, I did not know this was coming. Gotta roll with it. Wish me luck in being the mother she needs me to be.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
How does Fall affect you? Family dynamics
Hi all,
I am struck by the changing season again this year. In some ways, our season change has been mild, and in some ways more extreme.
Tired is my general state of being during the Fall, and that's probably an understatement. I get dark circles so severe that people wonder if I have black eyes. Solution? Wear more makeup :)
Excited is M's general state of being during the Fall. She loves everything about it, and she gets ecstatic for all the Fall activities and schedules, since it means the poor only child gets to be around other kids a lot more often. At least, she thinks she's around other kids more often. I'm not sure if it's really that significant a change. However, her mama is a homebody, so it's probably a true account. When coops and sports start for Fall, we get a busier schedule.
Tired mama, and excited girl. Does this mean energy is leaking from one to the other?
Our whole family has allergies, however, including a dog on medication. Yes, literally. This leads to a lot of easily confused beings in the same house. I sleep through my alarm. M forgets things, the dogs gets goofy and itchy which is distracting, I forget things. My husband denies that he forgets things. With all this forgetting comes even more activity and chaos.
For instance, returning home for forgotten things on a regular basis. Or running to the grocery store during coop because the lunch bag that M took out of the fridge never made it into the bag we brought, and I assumed we were fine upon seeing said bag in the car. . .
You get the idea. That was all in one morning, and only a partial account.
My throat gets itchy and I love that my cousin carries a toothbrush just to scratch his itchy pallet during allergy season. I, on the other hand, drink carbonated beverages. They help clear the phlegm from my throat, reduce coughing and itching, and contain caffeine to combat the fatigue that leads to sleeping through the alarm that lasts a full hour (literally . . . unfortunately).
And, of course, when I'm drinking more caffeine, it leads to increased chaos and activity. Manic energy, you could say.
Do you see the spiral effect? Does it sound relaxing? Anyone with me on this? Anyone have a solution for me? In the meantime, I'll add more soda to the grocery list.
Hope you're having a fun fall filled with changing colors of leaves, pumpkins, squash, apples, and more!
I am struck by the changing season again this year. In some ways, our season change has been mild, and in some ways more extreme.
Tired is my general state of being during the Fall, and that's probably an understatement. I get dark circles so severe that people wonder if I have black eyes. Solution? Wear more makeup :)
Excited is M's general state of being during the Fall. She loves everything about it, and she gets ecstatic for all the Fall activities and schedules, since it means the poor only child gets to be around other kids a lot more often. At least, she thinks she's around other kids more often. I'm not sure if it's really that significant a change. However, her mama is a homebody, so it's probably a true account. When coops and sports start for Fall, we get a busier schedule.
Tired mama, and excited girl. Does this mean energy is leaking from one to the other?
Our whole family has allergies, however, including a dog on medication. Yes, literally. This leads to a lot of easily confused beings in the same house. I sleep through my alarm. M forgets things, the dogs gets goofy and itchy which is distracting, I forget things. My husband denies that he forgets things. With all this forgetting comes even more activity and chaos.
For instance, returning home for forgotten things on a regular basis. Or running to the grocery store during coop because the lunch bag that M took out of the fridge never made it into the bag we brought, and I assumed we were fine upon seeing said bag in the car. . .
You get the idea. That was all in one morning, and only a partial account.
My throat gets itchy and I love that my cousin carries a toothbrush just to scratch his itchy pallet during allergy season. I, on the other hand, drink carbonated beverages. They help clear the phlegm from my throat, reduce coughing and itching, and contain caffeine to combat the fatigue that leads to sleeping through the alarm that lasts a full hour (literally . . . unfortunately).
And, of course, when I'm drinking more caffeine, it leads to increased chaos and activity. Manic energy, you could say.
Do you see the spiral effect? Does it sound relaxing? Anyone with me on this? Anyone have a solution for me? In the meantime, I'll add more soda to the grocery list.
Hope you're having a fun fall filled with changing colors of leaves, pumpkins, squash, apples, and more!
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