It's been rough for quite a while around here, and I am proud of us for doing as well as we have through an awful number of difficulties. We have an amazing network of caring friends who are the reason I am not in an institution. I feel like I'm finally coming out of a fog.
I have intentionally kept this blog vague, and avoided being obviously linked to it. I think it's time I forget about that. One of the lessons for me in the last few months is that being myself actually is OK. No, it's much better than that. It's invigorating, liberating, courageous, refreshing, frightening, vulnerable, and much more. My biggest lesson learned over the last few months is that people are more loving than I assume, more supportive than I expect, and being vulnerable with some people can be safe.
Pretty intense for the first post since January, I realize. Sorry. Kinda. No, not really. I am a scarily intense person. If you don't like it, you won't like me, and that's OK. For the first time in my life I am feeling secure in my own skin. For today. It will likely change soon, so don't hold me to it!
Morgan is actually awaiting me in heaven. I used her name instead of my living daughter's, after being hurt deeply by a family we had trusted completely and been wounded by. My daughter & husband were as hurt as I was. I was afraid others would do the same, so I used Morgan's name. The internet is not secure enough that I want to reveal my living daughter's name outright, but I will be honest here and today.
Recently, we did our annual testing, which is a homsechooling requirement in Minnesota. I finally switched to the Peabody test, which tells me the average grade level M is performing in each subject. We are almost done with vision therapy, and after two and a half years of homeschooling, I was really looking forward to some guidance about how to plan for our upcoming year, as well as honest insight into how she is progressing.
M has some test anxiety, so she was asking lots of questions. We tried to explain, but probably didn't do a great job, since it was also our first time using this particular test. She was scared of failing, which is something that we have never been concerned about, so we're not sure where it originates. I said, "PLEASE don't get the top score in any are of the test. I can't handle that yet! Seriously, you have a lot of time to get through high school!" We all laughed and slept peacefully the night before the test.
I texted the results to my husband (who was anxious, as well). "Congratulations! You have a seventh grader." She is 9. We are so proud of her, and yet it's pretty terrifying. My husband told her he was proud and told her to pick dinner - in or out, and anywhere or anything she wanted. Perkins, of course!
I listened to most of the testing from the adjoining room. This sums up my experience:
Tester: Next we're going to do some spelling.
M: What's Spelling?
me: Palm- forehead, followed by an apparent blackout, because I am certain the tester responded, but I cannot recall anything that was said for a while . . .
Test results: M maxed out the Peabody in spelling. This means she spells as well as the average high school grad. Without knowing what spelling is.
Overall, she did not graduate yet, LOL! And thank God for that! However, we all laughed heartily about spelling. I guess I should let go of the guilt I had been carrying for ignoring spelling (and some other things) while we tackled vision therapy this year. It has been a family effort, involving almost daily practice with at home, as well as weekly appointments for a year. Let's face it, she's ahead of grade level in everything. Why should anyone care that we haven't actively worked on every subject? Does it matter that she knew what spelling was if she could spell at an adult level? I think not.
There have been a lot of family changes in the last year or so. In early March, a new niece was born. About 24 hours ago, I found out what her name is.
When I told M she had a new cousin, she did not ask when we would see her. She knew we would not. At least not now. She asked what her name was, and I had to tell her that I didn't know. She asked if we would send a gift, and I told her "of course." She picked a gift. We mailed it addressed to the family. We received a thank you note. We still were not told her name in that note, nor did we receive a birth announcement from family that lives about 15 minutes away.
Yes, this is sad, but knowing her name brings me some peace. That gives you enough of an idea about how our life has been challenging, I think.
I felt like a bum mother. I apologized to M again, telling her that I wish I had a more loving, healthy, supportive extended family to give to her. I simply don't have it. She said, "Mom! Family is just a group of people that care about each other and take care of each other. We have that!"
Yes. She's right, of course. And I have been experiencing that over and over in a variety of ways, including a couple of homeschool coops. Today, I watched a newer homeschooler talk about how cool and different it was in our coop than in the "real world" and realized how right she was.
Backing out of an evening of childcare was part of my day, and I felt bad about it, even though there was some notice and it was the right decision. I expected disappointment from the mother accompanied by averted eyes & attention from her lunchtime playground companions.
I got none of that.
The mother told me that she had expected it, and that it was fine. She knows I am very introverted, and she offered to give me some solitude during a time when my husband will be out of town. All this in one breath. What a loving and unexpected (by me) response! Her companions affirmed my self-awareness, as they are also both quite introverted, and talked about how important it is that M is learning about those boundaries at an early age. It was so . . . peaceful. Encouraging. Loving. Accepting.
I was blown away by the peacefulness and support of the encounter.
As I told my husband about it, I said, "Who does that? What is that? It's so cool!" He smiled sadly at me in a not-at-all-funny way and said without a pause, "that's family."
Yes! Ouch! Wow. I really don't get that. I'm so glad to have it. I have a lot to learn!
M is SOOOOOOO right. Family is a group of people working together to improve the lives and experiences of all. We have that. Thank you, Lord!
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Giftedness is scary
"Dan. I'm worried about him. It's not right that a 13 year old knows as much as he does." ~ Amy Cahill . . . . "I hear you. Atticus already knows more than I will in my entire life. It's scary. On the one hand, he's a little kid [11 years old]. On the other hand, he's a supercomputer with two legs." ~ Jake Rosenbloom
~ Shatterproof by Roland Smith - Cahills Vs Vespers Book 4
Giftedness is scary. I have yet to meet a parent going through this adventure who is surprised to hear me say this. Enthusiastic agreement is the usual response, actually. I think the above exchange captures it, even though parents are not involved and it is fiction.
The truth it, I wish M did not know so much. Some of the amazing volume of information is simply fascinating. However, some of it requires her to wonder about information that she would not otherwise encounter at her age. Unfortunately, this has not changed, and I don't anticipate it ending until her adulthood, if then.
Not only does she have a lot of information, she has an amazing imagination. This sounds like a wonderful thing. However, it's a mixed bag. Yes, she imagines wonderful, entertaining, fascinating and valuable things. She also worries about things that her same-age peers would not be contemplating for lack of awareness. She experiences the scary side of giftedness. She has the intellectual capacity to understand information far beyond her emotional ability to process information.
Just last week, M told me, "I used to have nightmares every night. It's been a while since I've had one." While I was relieved to hear that she is sleeping soundly, as she emotionally matures, I was also sad for my baby girl. She went through YEARS of nightmares every night.
She's always been fascinated with biology. Because of that, she has had intimations of diseases and dysfunctions that are often unimportant but can be quite serious. She had the intellect to extrapolate and understand the potential dangers. However, she did not have the emotional maturity or the life experience to temper her fears. She still will not look at the anti-piracy warnings at the beginning of DVDs. This began years ago, and she was worried that she might accidentally get into big trouble, since she was not sure how piracy might happen. For months, she left the room whenever a movie was started. That is the effect of some of the asynchronous development of these children.
Like Jake Rosenbloom. I am intimidated at having responsibility for a child with so much information. I have been accused by many, including a children's pastor, of pushing her too hard. I regret to admit that I was guilty of the same kind of impressions of others before learning how much I still had to learn. The truth is, I am being dragged behind this speeding supercomputer on two legs, trying to keep it together. Stopping is not a healthy option. All I can do is my best to facilitate her journey.
Most parents are concerned with the emotional development of their children. With the asynchronous child, it is more complicated. There are countless books of advice and research on raising children, considering their emotional needs. A very small percentage of these address the asynchronous child. Many parents joke that they need an owner's manual for their child, but the grain of truth is there, since the books sell so well. There is less support and information available for these atypical children.
I often say that I am the dumb one in our family. It's mostly a joke. However, there is evidence that intelligence range is largely hereditary. As a woman who believes in Scripture, I believe that God gave us the perfect child for us, and gave M the perfect parents for her. I often think He overestimates me. It's scary.
A psychiatrist told me a story from his recent vacation. They were in a cutesy souvenir shop and saw a decorative sign that said, "It's all about family." His companion was also a psychiatrist, and they shared a joke about how they interpreted that statement, but they believe it.
It's a serious responsibility. I do not take it lightly, and that makes it scary, whether or not I feel like my daughter is smarter than I'll ever be. That impression changes hour by hour, in case you were curious. . .
My daughter will have scars from her parents. Her parents have scars from their parents. The pattern continues indefinitely. We admit to her that we make mistakes, and we hope that we will do our best and always work with her. Our constant effort is to gather the best information available, use the resources we can find, and make the best choices we can. When something doesn't work, we adjust. When something works, we exhale, and hope it keeps working for a while.
Giftedness is stereotypically associated pride and arrogance. I would argue that terror is as common. Wishing you many nights of deep, calm sleep - free of nightmares.
~ Shatterproof by Roland Smith - Cahills Vs Vespers Book 4
Giftedness is scary. I have yet to meet a parent going through this adventure who is surprised to hear me say this. Enthusiastic agreement is the usual response, actually. I think the above exchange captures it, even though parents are not involved and it is fiction.
The truth it, I wish M did not know so much. Some of the amazing volume of information is simply fascinating. However, some of it requires her to wonder about information that she would not otherwise encounter at her age. Unfortunately, this has not changed, and I don't anticipate it ending until her adulthood, if then.
Not only does she have a lot of information, she has an amazing imagination. This sounds like a wonderful thing. However, it's a mixed bag. Yes, she imagines wonderful, entertaining, fascinating and valuable things. She also worries about things that her same-age peers would not be contemplating for lack of awareness. She experiences the scary side of giftedness. She has the intellectual capacity to understand information far beyond her emotional ability to process information.
Just last week, M told me, "I used to have nightmares every night. It's been a while since I've had one." While I was relieved to hear that she is sleeping soundly, as she emotionally matures, I was also sad for my baby girl. She went through YEARS of nightmares every night.
She's always been fascinated with biology. Because of that, she has had intimations of diseases and dysfunctions that are often unimportant but can be quite serious. She had the intellect to extrapolate and understand the potential dangers. However, she did not have the emotional maturity or the life experience to temper her fears. She still will not look at the anti-piracy warnings at the beginning of DVDs. This began years ago, and she was worried that she might accidentally get into big trouble, since she was not sure how piracy might happen. For months, she left the room whenever a movie was started. That is the effect of some of the asynchronous development of these children.
Like Jake Rosenbloom. I am intimidated at having responsibility for a child with so much information. I have been accused by many, including a children's pastor, of pushing her too hard. I regret to admit that I was guilty of the same kind of impressions of others before learning how much I still had to learn. The truth is, I am being dragged behind this speeding supercomputer on two legs, trying to keep it together. Stopping is not a healthy option. All I can do is my best to facilitate her journey.
Most parents are concerned with the emotional development of their children. With the asynchronous child, it is more complicated. There are countless books of advice and research on raising children, considering their emotional needs. A very small percentage of these address the asynchronous child. Many parents joke that they need an owner's manual for their child, but the grain of truth is there, since the books sell so well. There is less support and information available for these atypical children.
I often say that I am the dumb one in our family. It's mostly a joke. However, there is evidence that intelligence range is largely hereditary. As a woman who believes in Scripture, I believe that God gave us the perfect child for us, and gave M the perfect parents for her. I often think He overestimates me. It's scary.
A psychiatrist told me a story from his recent vacation. They were in a cutesy souvenir shop and saw a decorative sign that said, "It's all about family." His companion was also a psychiatrist, and they shared a joke about how they interpreted that statement, but they believe it.
It's a serious responsibility. I do not take it lightly, and that makes it scary, whether or not I feel like my daughter is smarter than I'll ever be. That impression changes hour by hour, in case you were curious. . .
My daughter will have scars from her parents. Her parents have scars from their parents. The pattern continues indefinitely. We admit to her that we make mistakes, and we hope that we will do our best and always work with her. Our constant effort is to gather the best information available, use the resources we can find, and make the best choices we can. When something doesn't work, we adjust. When something works, we exhale, and hope it keeps working for a while.
Giftedness is stereotypically associated pride and arrogance. I would argue that terror is as common. Wishing you many nights of deep, calm sleep - free of nightmares.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Night at the Museum - we are not mainstream, but we have lots of fun!!!!
Over the holiday break, I was watching Night at the Museum, and M walked by it. She is getting old enough to watch those, but still prefers animated movies, in general. She asked if it was an adult movie, and I said she could watch it, but watching from the beginning would be better.
She had a hard time tearing herself away, but we agree to watch it from the beginning later, after some father-daughter wrestling time, which is extremely silly & completely cherished.
We made the movie a family affair, and she had a lot of fun watching the animals, which I could have predicted. However, there were reactions that I did not anticipate from her.
Theodore Roosevelt explains who he was as president, and she seemed impassive. Sacajawea, I thought would get her attention. She was completely unaware of Lewis & Clark as well as Sacajawea. I paused the movie and explained briefly.
This made me realize that while our sequential approach to history will help her have a better grasp of the overall timeline & progressions, it leads to her being unaware of the United States quite a bit longer. After all, in the scheme of human history, it is quite a young nation.
The miniatures scene got M very excited. "Octavius?! As in, Emperor Octavius? I'm so excited to see real Romans fighting!" This caught me a bit off guard. Yes, I knew she loved the Roman history, but I was still surprised at her reaction to the laughable and entertaining character in the movie.
As I was processing that, she burst out with, "Attila the Hun?! YES!!!!!!!!!" jumping up and down. Her father & I were shooting private looks at each other, realizing just how confusing it was to learn history jumping around, and marveling at how different her experience is from the typical school child's.
We are continuing the sequential history approach of Biblioplan curriculum, and still believe in its efficacy for M, at least. I wish I had learned that way. She is learning about so many facets of life in the different times, as well as how the changes affected various groups. We are using novels set in those times, as well, so she really immerses herself in that time, and she is writing essays and letters as if she were living through the experiences. She likes it, and so she soaks it up. Fun makes effective learning, after all.
In the meantime, the standardized tests will continue to indicate that she has very little political science understanding for her age. I laugh and disagree. She may be unaware of the parts they are teaching her same-aged counterparts in the schools, but I maintain that her understanding is stronger, and that she knows a great deal about political science. In fact, she can carry on an intelligent conversation with a teacher who specializes Medieval and Middle Ages history and point out facts that I was not aware of until those conversations occurs. To further stretch my abilities to parent, her observation in that particular conversation has political, military & theological significance. Yikes! I am not pushing her. I am getting dragged along behind her, while trying to maintain my footing!
What is my point? Well, we were reminded that we are not mainstream. I am okay with that.
No. I am more than okay with that. I am excited that M is learning deeply and having fun simultaneously. I am glad she is learning history sequentially and knows that the US is a very small part of the timeline. I am glad that she doesn't learn history from a self-importance slant, as I believe most countries teach it in their schools, including the US.
I cannot help but smile as I watch her in her different ways. Neither can her father. We are not mainstream. We are happy. I wonder if mainstream people are generally happy . . . I delight in things different . . . Happy New Year. As Amy Adams as Amelia says at the end of Battle of the Smithsonian (the sequel to Night at the Museum), "Have fun."
She had a hard time tearing herself away, but we agree to watch it from the beginning later, after some father-daughter wrestling time, which is extremely silly & completely cherished.
We made the movie a family affair, and she had a lot of fun watching the animals, which I could have predicted. However, there were reactions that I did not anticipate from her.
Theodore Roosevelt explains who he was as president, and she seemed impassive. Sacajawea, I thought would get her attention. She was completely unaware of Lewis & Clark as well as Sacajawea. I paused the movie and explained briefly.
This made me realize that while our sequential approach to history will help her have a better grasp of the overall timeline & progressions, it leads to her being unaware of the United States quite a bit longer. After all, in the scheme of human history, it is quite a young nation.
The miniatures scene got M very excited. "Octavius?! As in, Emperor Octavius? I'm so excited to see real Romans fighting!" This caught me a bit off guard. Yes, I knew she loved the Roman history, but I was still surprised at her reaction to the laughable and entertaining character in the movie.
As I was processing that, she burst out with, "Attila the Hun?! YES!!!!!!!!!" jumping up and down. Her father & I were shooting private looks at each other, realizing just how confusing it was to learn history jumping around, and marveling at how different her experience is from the typical school child's.
We are continuing the sequential history approach of Biblioplan curriculum, and still believe in its efficacy for M, at least. I wish I had learned that way. She is learning about so many facets of life in the different times, as well as how the changes affected various groups. We are using novels set in those times, as well, so she really immerses herself in that time, and she is writing essays and letters as if she were living through the experiences. She likes it, and so she soaks it up. Fun makes effective learning, after all.
In the meantime, the standardized tests will continue to indicate that she has very little political science understanding for her age. I laugh and disagree. She may be unaware of the parts they are teaching her same-aged counterparts in the schools, but I maintain that her understanding is stronger, and that she knows a great deal about political science. In fact, she can carry on an intelligent conversation with a teacher who specializes Medieval and Middle Ages history and point out facts that I was not aware of until those conversations occurs. To further stretch my abilities to parent, her observation in that particular conversation has political, military & theological significance. Yikes! I am not pushing her. I am getting dragged along behind her, while trying to maintain my footing!
What is my point? Well, we were reminded that we are not mainstream. I am okay with that.
No. I am more than okay with that. I am excited that M is learning deeply and having fun simultaneously. I am glad she is learning history sequentially and knows that the US is a very small part of the timeline. I am glad that she doesn't learn history from a self-importance slant, as I believe most countries teach it in their schools, including the US.
I cannot help but smile as I watch her in her different ways. Neither can her father. We are not mainstream. We are happy. I wonder if mainstream people are generally happy . . . I delight in things different . . . Happy New Year. As Amy Adams as Amelia says at the end of Battle of the Smithsonian (the sequel to Night at the Museum), "Have fun."
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Toys Are Overrated
When M was younger, I was convinced I was doing something wrong. She didn't play with her toys. Preschooleers are supposed to love toys. I must be doing something wrong.
We found some things she played with a little bit, then they stayed on the shelf while seh did crafts or read books or sat around looking aimless. I felt like a bad mom. Maybe I was being too frugal. I bought more toys.
Whenever she liked something, we went all out. Everyone in the family pitched in at birthdays and Christmas to get her the theme toy that she had been playing with. It didn't last long. I decided I had overdone it and ruined the enjoyment of that toy. I would have to do better next time.
After a while, I decided she must be really tired and just wanted to do art and watch movies. I bought more movies. I happen to love kids' movies more than M, so this was a less uncomfortable adventure for me. However, she got bored of the movies, too. It became another thing she'd sigh and accept, but not thoroughly enjoy. Fail. Again.
I recently heard a mom talking about a similar experience and it got me remembering. After we figured out that giftedness had a lot to do with this dynamic, we bought as many used nonfiction books as we could carry at a used curriculum sale.
We snuck them into the basement and onto a bookshelf, then surprised her with it. Finally, we got the reaction you'd expect on Christmas morning. It was Timelife Books and Usborne books and National Geographic books, etc. We had purchased almost everything science or animal related that we could find. We were both shaking as our muscles barely made it to the car with our load. It even took more than a week for her to read them all. Seriously, that's like a lifetime supply for some kids. Score. Finally.
Emma Watson is quoted as saying something like, "Don't think you're stupid just because you don't like the things everyone else pretends to like." I love that quote. I felt like the temporary toy interest was very much like that. I think M felt that she was supposed to like toys, listened to friends/classmates and latched on to that. When it was ust her, however, she'd much rather have a book. Only when we gifted her in an area of passion did she get excited. That is obvious to me now, but took us a long time to figure out.
Even though I have some intelligence and am aware of (and even embrace) my idiosynchrosies as fun ornaments on my personality, I fell victim to the social norms. Whether or not a person of any age is gifted or not, they need to feel free to pursue their passions. So long as it's not destructive, I think anything should go. As adults we do that. Why do we treat kids differently?
So, am I having a contest to give away all those unused toys? No. M sold almost all of them (because I made her keep some) in a garage sale and used the money to buy pet supplies. She has had no regrets & made a killing at that garage sale. My niece thinks I got rid of all my daughter's toys. She must think I'm the meanest mom ever. . .
The lessons I learned are:
1. Spending money on something the gift receiver isn't interested in is a huge waste of money.
2. Happiness is pursuing your passions.
3. Being like other people doesn't create happiness.
4. Being a good mom might look like something entirely different to an outsider.
5. People will judge.
6. I need to get over my insecurities and suck it up.
7. "Thou shalt not judge" probably means I shouldn't get all worked up about the judgement.
This was a good reminder just before the holidays as I'm tempted to enlarge the pile of presents. This year, our present situation is even more atypical than usual. M is the one reminding us that we already have our big Christmas present - we got a new pet this Fall & the timing was better earlier, but it really was a Christmas present plan. It was an awesome choice for the whole family.
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year. Wishing you comfort & peace, relaxation & laughter.
We found some things she played with a little bit, then they stayed on the shelf while seh did crafts or read books or sat around looking aimless. I felt like a bad mom. Maybe I was being too frugal. I bought more toys.
Whenever she liked something, we went all out. Everyone in the family pitched in at birthdays and Christmas to get her the theme toy that she had been playing with. It didn't last long. I decided I had overdone it and ruined the enjoyment of that toy. I would have to do better next time.
After a while, I decided she must be really tired and just wanted to do art and watch movies. I bought more movies. I happen to love kids' movies more than M, so this was a less uncomfortable adventure for me. However, she got bored of the movies, too. It became another thing she'd sigh and accept, but not thoroughly enjoy. Fail. Again.
I recently heard a mom talking about a similar experience and it got me remembering. After we figured out that giftedness had a lot to do with this dynamic, we bought as many used nonfiction books as we could carry at a used curriculum sale.
We snuck them into the basement and onto a bookshelf, then surprised her with it. Finally, we got the reaction you'd expect on Christmas morning. It was Timelife Books and Usborne books and National Geographic books, etc. We had purchased almost everything science or animal related that we could find. We were both shaking as our muscles barely made it to the car with our load. It even took more than a week for her to read them all. Seriously, that's like a lifetime supply for some kids. Score. Finally.
Emma Watson is quoted as saying something like, "Don't think you're stupid just because you don't like the things everyone else pretends to like." I love that quote. I felt like the temporary toy interest was very much like that. I think M felt that she was supposed to like toys, listened to friends/classmates and latched on to that. When it was ust her, however, she'd much rather have a book. Only when we gifted her in an area of passion did she get excited. That is obvious to me now, but took us a long time to figure out.
Even though I have some intelligence and am aware of (and even embrace) my idiosynchrosies as fun ornaments on my personality, I fell victim to the social norms. Whether or not a person of any age is gifted or not, they need to feel free to pursue their passions. So long as it's not destructive, I think anything should go. As adults we do that. Why do we treat kids differently?
So, am I having a contest to give away all those unused toys? No. M sold almost all of them (because I made her keep some) in a garage sale and used the money to buy pet supplies. She has had no regrets & made a killing at that garage sale. My niece thinks I got rid of all my daughter's toys. She must think I'm the meanest mom ever. . .
The lessons I learned are:
1. Spending money on something the gift receiver isn't interested in is a huge waste of money.
2. Happiness is pursuing your passions.
3. Being like other people doesn't create happiness.
4. Being a good mom might look like something entirely different to an outsider.
5. People will judge.
6. I need to get over my insecurities and suck it up.
7. "Thou shalt not judge" probably means I shouldn't get all worked up about the judgement.
This was a good reminder just before the holidays as I'm tempted to enlarge the pile of presents. This year, our present situation is even more atypical than usual. M is the one reminding us that we already have our big Christmas present - we got a new pet this Fall & the timing was better earlier, but it really was a Christmas present plan. It was an awesome choice for the whole family.
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year. Wishing you comfort & peace, relaxation & laughter.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
HAPPY Holidays, you say? Inspiration from sadness through a gifted friend.
Let me begin by telling you that I do wish everyone the happiest possible holidays. I apologize for the big break in posts. I had a happy Thanksgiving, but I haven't had a happy season of life.
Happy holidays is not a reality for everyone. Statistics attest to the fact that major health issues (that are complicated by stress like stroke and heart attack) go up during the holidays, and I'm sure it's not entirely from culinary overindulgence or increased debtload with holiday expenses. Worse yet, suicide rates go up during the holidays.
Life is not a Hallmark card, and the Hallmark company's spin on things has become a cause for derision from me. Why is it so bad that it's not a happy time for some? Most people who have gone through major struggles/trauma will attest to this conclusion. While they wouldn't wish it on others, they would not give up what they gained from the experience. Less than happy does not necessarily mean less than anything else. There is great value in the less euphoric emotions and seasons in life. They are real and valuable.
If you are in a happy season of life, I am genuinely happy for you. I hope that you can snuggle into that, basking in contentment or whatever positive experience you're in. Better than that, I hope it produces outflow that shows the best of you. That might mean smiling at strangers, financially supporting an amazing charity, doing amazing volunteer work, or simply being a bright spot in the daily lives of others just by being yourself. The last example reminds me of an amazing friend who has had a difficult year and yet is more present and thoughtful and generous than most people, even in the midst of difficulties. Such grace. . .
If you are not in a bright spot, my wish for you is a safe place to embrace the reality of your situation . . . your season . . . yourself. The things you are going through right now are part of you, reality and important. "Your story isn't boring, by the way. We're only given the one life. . . they matter. Maybe only to us, but they matter." ~ Tea Leoni as Gwen in Ghost Town.
One part of my life this year was the death of a friend. It was not the first time I had lost a friend "too young" - whatever that means. It will not be the last. It was not a quick or easy passing. There are opportunities and possibilities I grieve for her. I grieve for her husband who had too few years with her. I grieve for her mother, who never expected to bury her daughter. . . . so many possibilities for such an amazing person . . .
She continues to inspire me after her death. She's that kind of a person. I shared this link on facebook and she responded to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJi_7f1cpbk It is an artist she had heard of and loved. It was a song she had somehow not discovered previously. Her embrace and enthusiasm of the song really impacted me. You'd think that she would be just depressed and a mess as she listened to it. Maybe she was sometimes. She certainly was justified to feel some self-pity, but I never saw it. This song seemed to invigorate her. She believed it with every fiber of her being.
I had listened to it repeatedly before her comments, but afterward . . . I has become a calming song, rather than a ranting song. At her funeral, all I wanted to do was hug the people who loved her so much and thank them for what an amazing person they had enabled to be in my life. I wanted to tell them my selfish reasons for missing her. Since then, I have thought that I may have finally figured out what's important to do at funerals. I have attended many in the last 34 years, but this one left me feeling like a better person afterwards.
My goal was not self-congratulations or self-promotion. My goal was to maintain self-control enough to be a comfort there, rather than add to the grief. Keeping it together might be accurate as my goal heading in. However, when I approached her husband, who barely knew me, all I wanted to do was thank him for making my friend so happy. I did. He seemed surprised and said, "She made ME happy." Her mother embraced me so much more strongly than I expected. Apparently, my friend had talked about the ladies I attended the funeral with and about me, and she felt a connection. I never knew. I held her mother, cried with her, rocked her, and told her what an amazing woman she raised and how much I loved having her in my life. That is honestly what flowed from my heart and my mouth. She cried even harder, but also smiled.
Oh, to be the kind of person who could inspire this kind of reaction from others after I am gone . . . it is a new passionate ambition after this experience. She still inspires me to be a better person. Even though I miss her and still cry, I like remembering her. I feel a mix of sadness and pleasure at the memories. In order to have my Hallmark card moments, I would lose the tears and grief, but I'd also lose the richness and love and inspiration. Never would I choose such a thing!
There are other sadnesses in our lives that have less inspiration attached to them. Those take longer to see benefit from, in my experience. They are still part of me. Again, I would not trade them. If I did, I would no longer be the person I have come to like better with passing time. They were an opportunity and impetus to evolve as a person. They are valuable, even when they resulted in injuries, pain, or even a necessary chasm.
If you are in a sad season, and you want to embrace that right now, I hope you will. It's genuine and can be very honorable and healthy. It doesn't make your holidays a failure. We are trying to take the opportunity to start some new traditions, and also to do some one-time things this season. I hope that my friend's family misses her terribly & tells stories about her that make them cry and smile and laugh and wish she were there . . . Those are very valuable moments. That is a successful holiday season.
If you are estranged from family, as so many are, I hope you gather some chosen family or new friends and have fun. One of my favorite traditions was inspired by a casual friend whose family saw a movie on each holiday. They went in their pajamas, and it was never busy. I love movies. We are incorporating more of those into our holidays, and sometimes with new friends. It feels good. Different? Yes. Good? Definitely!
Wisdom is knowing that rich experiences are worth so much more than smiles and pretty hollow words. I wish you an inspirational holiday season. We celebrate Christmas, so I wish you Merry Christmas, but not in the sense of hollow pretty words. I hope it is time to reflect, make choices, relax, grow and sink into the moments. May they be warm ones, happy or otherwise.
Happy holidays is not a reality for everyone. Statistics attest to the fact that major health issues (that are complicated by stress like stroke and heart attack) go up during the holidays, and I'm sure it's not entirely from culinary overindulgence or increased debtload with holiday expenses. Worse yet, suicide rates go up during the holidays.
Life is not a Hallmark card, and the Hallmark company's spin on things has become a cause for derision from me. Why is it so bad that it's not a happy time for some? Most people who have gone through major struggles/trauma will attest to this conclusion. While they wouldn't wish it on others, they would not give up what they gained from the experience. Less than happy does not necessarily mean less than anything else. There is great value in the less euphoric emotions and seasons in life. They are real and valuable.
If you are in a happy season of life, I am genuinely happy for you. I hope that you can snuggle into that, basking in contentment or whatever positive experience you're in. Better than that, I hope it produces outflow that shows the best of you. That might mean smiling at strangers, financially supporting an amazing charity, doing amazing volunteer work, or simply being a bright spot in the daily lives of others just by being yourself. The last example reminds me of an amazing friend who has had a difficult year and yet is more present and thoughtful and generous than most people, even in the midst of difficulties. Such grace. . .
If you are not in a bright spot, my wish for you is a safe place to embrace the reality of your situation . . . your season . . . yourself. The things you are going through right now are part of you, reality and important. "Your story isn't boring, by the way. We're only given the one life. . . they matter. Maybe only to us, but they matter." ~ Tea Leoni as Gwen in Ghost Town.
One part of my life this year was the death of a friend. It was not the first time I had lost a friend "too young" - whatever that means. It will not be the last. It was not a quick or easy passing. There are opportunities and possibilities I grieve for her. I grieve for her husband who had too few years with her. I grieve for her mother, who never expected to bury her daughter. . . . so many possibilities for such an amazing person . . .
She continues to inspire me after her death. She's that kind of a person. I shared this link on facebook and she responded to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJi_7f1cpbk It is an artist she had heard of and loved. It was a song she had somehow not discovered previously. Her embrace and enthusiasm of the song really impacted me. You'd think that she would be just depressed and a mess as she listened to it. Maybe she was sometimes. She certainly was justified to feel some self-pity, but I never saw it. This song seemed to invigorate her. She believed it with every fiber of her being.
I had listened to it repeatedly before her comments, but afterward . . . I has become a calming song, rather than a ranting song. At her funeral, all I wanted to do was hug the people who loved her so much and thank them for what an amazing person they had enabled to be in my life. I wanted to tell them my selfish reasons for missing her. Since then, I have thought that I may have finally figured out what's important to do at funerals. I have attended many in the last 34 years, but this one left me feeling like a better person afterwards.
My goal was not self-congratulations or self-promotion. My goal was to maintain self-control enough to be a comfort there, rather than add to the grief. Keeping it together might be accurate as my goal heading in. However, when I approached her husband, who barely knew me, all I wanted to do was thank him for making my friend so happy. I did. He seemed surprised and said, "She made ME happy." Her mother embraced me so much more strongly than I expected. Apparently, my friend had talked about the ladies I attended the funeral with and about me, and she felt a connection. I never knew. I held her mother, cried with her, rocked her, and told her what an amazing woman she raised and how much I loved having her in my life. That is honestly what flowed from my heart and my mouth. She cried even harder, but also smiled.
Oh, to be the kind of person who could inspire this kind of reaction from others after I am gone . . . it is a new passionate ambition after this experience. She still inspires me to be a better person. Even though I miss her and still cry, I like remembering her. I feel a mix of sadness and pleasure at the memories. In order to have my Hallmark card moments, I would lose the tears and grief, but I'd also lose the richness and love and inspiration. Never would I choose such a thing!
There are other sadnesses in our lives that have less inspiration attached to them. Those take longer to see benefit from, in my experience. They are still part of me. Again, I would not trade them. If I did, I would no longer be the person I have come to like better with passing time. They were an opportunity and impetus to evolve as a person. They are valuable, even when they resulted in injuries, pain, or even a necessary chasm.
If you are in a sad season, and you want to embrace that right now, I hope you will. It's genuine and can be very honorable and healthy. It doesn't make your holidays a failure. We are trying to take the opportunity to start some new traditions, and also to do some one-time things this season. I hope that my friend's family misses her terribly & tells stories about her that make them cry and smile and laugh and wish she were there . . . Those are very valuable moments. That is a successful holiday season.
If you are estranged from family, as so many are, I hope you gather some chosen family or new friends and have fun. One of my favorite traditions was inspired by a casual friend whose family saw a movie on each holiday. They went in their pajamas, and it was never busy. I love movies. We are incorporating more of those into our holidays, and sometimes with new friends. It feels good. Different? Yes. Good? Definitely!
Wisdom is knowing that rich experiences are worth so much more than smiles and pretty hollow words. I wish you an inspirational holiday season. We celebrate Christmas, so I wish you Merry Christmas, but not in the sense of hollow pretty words. I hope it is time to reflect, make choices, relax, grow and sink into the moments. May they be warm ones, happy or otherwise.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Pride and Disappointment - the novel of a mother in gifted circles
Everyone has heard of Pride & Prejudice. Most have read it more than once. It's a huge thing in our world. I know there is plenty of pride within the families of gifted children - both the positive and negative kinds, and I know there is plenty of prejudice coming toward them from outside.
In parenting, I am trying to remind myself of the truths that I want ingrained in my child, as I believe most parents do. One of the big struggles for me is the reality that we can only control ourselves, and never other people. We can influence, love, hate, or whatever . . . We cannot control others. This has been one of the most difficult things for me to accept as an adult who grew up hearing, "you can be anything," and "you can do anything," as most girls of my generation did. However, that's not true. We cannot control others. So, I am intentional about teaching my girl that she cannot do "anything," but she can make her own choices, including how to react to others.
Along those lines, I decided to focus on our impressions of life from inside our sphere. Instead of Pride & Prejudice, I land in Pride and Disappointment.
I am immensely proud of my child. Not only does she work really hard, but she prioritizes her energy and time, and she accomplishes amazing things. Some things come easily for her. Others do not. She gets more joy from the things she has had to work very hard to achieve. I love that about her. That is healthy pride.
Does this sound like a typical kid to you? Me too. In fact, gifted kids are typical in many ways. Not everything about them is atypical.
Over the last two or three weeks, I've heard an alarming number of stories of extended families who are not supportive. This is extremely disappointing. My grandmother was one of my biggest advocates, even though I was not a typical child. Years after her death, that is still a source of peace for me. These children whose grandparents are not supportive will not have that.
That is a loss for the children who could benefit from greater support from extended family - their roots, or family tree, or whatever you'd like to call it. However, I'd argue that it's a bigger loss for the adults involved. The children have never known a different situation. The adults, however, have a different level of awareness, and a poignant feeling of loss. Worst yet are the people who are missing out on these incredible children (since every child is amazing), and they don't even feel the loss. I pity those people.
Is this a societal pattern? Maybe. Probably. I don't know, and as usual, don't care to do the research. However, I wonder if it's more prevalent in atypical circles. Logically, it makes sense, and I have noticed that pattern recently.
Think about the incredible people throughout history that we know. Mozart died in poverty, and yet, he is still well-known today. Most famous artists lived in relative to extreme poverty and their artwork was recognized and increased exponentially in value only after they died. Einstein struggled in school before coming up with concepts that still bewilder many today. Did they have an easy life? I imagine not.
Here's another angle to consider. People in gifted circles are famously (or infamously) quirky and often lacking social skills because they do not operate and interact in the common way. They learn to cope. Musicians and artists are stereotyped to be riddled with unhealthy behaviors: alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc. Maybe they are unhappy because of a perceived lack of support and are coping (unwisely). Maybe.
So, I've been wondering about the pattern of insufficiently supportive extended families in atypical circles. I have repeatedly mentioned my belief that these atypicalities are genetic neurological differences. Is that something that supports a pattern of difficulty or inability to have healthy family relationships? Does that make it more difficult for the various members of an extended family to cope similarly and understand one another effectively? Maybe. Probably.
When I think of it this way I am still stuck in disappointment. However, it doesn't lend itself toward anger aimed at individuals, but sorrow in a situation. That might be my healthiest reaction for now. I hope that my choices are decent ones, and that they will lead to the greatest possibility of hope for the future, as well as the greatest potential happiness for everyone involved.
As the holidays approach, I wish you a season filled with love. I wish you a season filled with support and happiness. If your family is a source for this, soak that up. If not, I challenge you to recognize that my new friend N is very wise in saying, "family is the people who love you." Gifts? Whatever. They are fun, and we exchanged them. However, they do not bring happiness, especially the lasting kind. M shared with me that St Nicholas Day is her favorite holiday. Clearly, the larger gifts exchanged on Christmas are not as meaningful to her. I am so glad for her. It is one more hurdle that, at least for now, she need not jump on her track happiness. Peace & love to you.
In parenting, I am trying to remind myself of the truths that I want ingrained in my child, as I believe most parents do. One of the big struggles for me is the reality that we can only control ourselves, and never other people. We can influence, love, hate, or whatever . . . We cannot control others. This has been one of the most difficult things for me to accept as an adult who grew up hearing, "you can be anything," and "you can do anything," as most girls of my generation did. However, that's not true. We cannot control others. So, I am intentional about teaching my girl that she cannot do "anything," but she can make her own choices, including how to react to others.
Along those lines, I decided to focus on our impressions of life from inside our sphere. Instead of Pride & Prejudice, I land in Pride and Disappointment.
I am immensely proud of my child. Not only does she work really hard, but she prioritizes her energy and time, and she accomplishes amazing things. Some things come easily for her. Others do not. She gets more joy from the things she has had to work very hard to achieve. I love that about her. That is healthy pride.
Does this sound like a typical kid to you? Me too. In fact, gifted kids are typical in many ways. Not everything about them is atypical.
Over the last two or three weeks, I've heard an alarming number of stories of extended families who are not supportive. This is extremely disappointing. My grandmother was one of my biggest advocates, even though I was not a typical child. Years after her death, that is still a source of peace for me. These children whose grandparents are not supportive will not have that.
That is a loss for the children who could benefit from greater support from extended family - their roots, or family tree, or whatever you'd like to call it. However, I'd argue that it's a bigger loss for the adults involved. The children have never known a different situation. The adults, however, have a different level of awareness, and a poignant feeling of loss. Worst yet are the people who are missing out on these incredible children (since every child is amazing), and they don't even feel the loss. I pity those people.
Is this a societal pattern? Maybe. Probably. I don't know, and as usual, don't care to do the research. However, I wonder if it's more prevalent in atypical circles. Logically, it makes sense, and I have noticed that pattern recently.
Think about the incredible people throughout history that we know. Mozart died in poverty, and yet, he is still well-known today. Most famous artists lived in relative to extreme poverty and their artwork was recognized and increased exponentially in value only after they died. Einstein struggled in school before coming up with concepts that still bewilder many today. Did they have an easy life? I imagine not.
Here's another angle to consider. People in gifted circles are famously (or infamously) quirky and often lacking social skills because they do not operate and interact in the common way. They learn to cope. Musicians and artists are stereotyped to be riddled with unhealthy behaviors: alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc. Maybe they are unhappy because of a perceived lack of support and are coping (unwisely). Maybe.
So, I've been wondering about the pattern of insufficiently supportive extended families in atypical circles. I have repeatedly mentioned my belief that these atypicalities are genetic neurological differences. Is that something that supports a pattern of difficulty or inability to have healthy family relationships? Does that make it more difficult for the various members of an extended family to cope similarly and understand one another effectively? Maybe. Probably.
When I think of it this way I am still stuck in disappointment. However, it doesn't lend itself toward anger aimed at individuals, but sorrow in a situation. That might be my healthiest reaction for now. I hope that my choices are decent ones, and that they will lead to the greatest possibility of hope for the future, as well as the greatest potential happiness for everyone involved.
As the holidays approach, I wish you a season filled with love. I wish you a season filled with support and happiness. If your family is a source for this, soak that up. If not, I challenge you to recognize that my new friend N is very wise in saying, "family is the people who love you." Gifts? Whatever. They are fun, and we exchanged them. However, they do not bring happiness, especially the lasting kind. M shared with me that St Nicholas Day is her favorite holiday. Clearly, the larger gifts exchanged on Christmas are not as meaningful to her. I am so glad for her. It is one more hurdle that, at least for now, she need not jump on her track happiness. Peace & love to you.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
The difficult childhood of the incredible adult: Helene Girmaud & Living with Intensity
Living with Intensity is a book I have mentioned before.
Chapter one opens with an exerpt from the memoirs of Helene Grimaud entitled Wild Harmonies: A life of Music and Wolves. Her adult life has been that of a conert pianist. She also created a Wolf Conservation Center. I admire someone who has been able to significantly pursue and affect multiple areas of passion in life and hope to be included in that group throughout my life.
She is used as an example of the assertion that "The emotional intensity and high level of energy of a gifted child cannot be ignored. . . . [They] take in information from the world around them; they react and respond more quickly and intensely than other children. . . . Their excitement is viewed as excessive, their high energy as hyperactivity, their persistence as nagging, their questioning as undermining authority, their imagination as not paying attention, their passion as being disruptive, their strong emotions and sensitivity as immaturity, their creativity and self-directdeness as oppositional." In the case of Helene Girmaud, I challenge you to find a moving musician who is not an emotional person. If they were not emotional, how could they move us with their performance? You must understand and experience emotions in order to communicate them well, through music or other language.
Our childhood can set the stage of our emotional life. As we are discovering and categorizing and learning, we are grasping to understand our place in this world we are exploring. An extreme example is abusive generational patterns. What we see as children, we assume is normal. This is also true of the feedback we receive about ourselves, from those who know us and those who do not, as well as in our own minds as we compare ourselves to others. Helene's memoirs indicate that she heard a vary large number of negative adjectives aimed her direction, and yet, she accomplished so much and affected so many . . .
Here's another quote from Living with Itensity. "It is of course unfortunate that something exceptional, something that is outside of the norm, is often looked upon as being abnormal, and that 'abnormal' usually means annoying or bad, where as 'normal means mostly acceptable or good. We forget that these notions come from a stasticial convention, the bell curve, which does not tell us what is goo and what is bad."
And so, by page 4, I am completely sold and MUST continue reading. I only hope not to lose too much sleep over the next few days. Have you read it, yet? If not, and this sounds familiar or just intriguing, you should. If you have already enjoyed this USA Book News Best Books Award Finalist, what is your favorite or most moving part?
Chapter one opens with an exerpt from the memoirs of Helene Grimaud entitled Wild Harmonies: A life of Music and Wolves. Her adult life has been that of a conert pianist. She also created a Wolf Conservation Center. I admire someone who has been able to significantly pursue and affect multiple areas of passion in life and hope to be included in that group throughout my life.
She is used as an example of the assertion that "The emotional intensity and high level of energy of a gifted child cannot be ignored. . . . [They] take in information from the world around them; they react and respond more quickly and intensely than other children. . . . Their excitement is viewed as excessive, their high energy as hyperactivity, their persistence as nagging, their questioning as undermining authority, their imagination as not paying attention, their passion as being disruptive, their strong emotions and sensitivity as immaturity, their creativity and self-directdeness as oppositional." In the case of Helene Girmaud, I challenge you to find a moving musician who is not an emotional person. If they were not emotional, how could they move us with their performance? You must understand and experience emotions in order to communicate them well, through music or other language.
Our childhood can set the stage of our emotional life. As we are discovering and categorizing and learning, we are grasping to understand our place in this world we are exploring. An extreme example is abusive generational patterns. What we see as children, we assume is normal. This is also true of the feedback we receive about ourselves, from those who know us and those who do not, as well as in our own minds as we compare ourselves to others. Helene's memoirs indicate that she heard a vary large number of negative adjectives aimed her direction, and yet, she accomplished so much and affected so many . . .
Here's another quote from Living with Itensity. "It is of course unfortunate that something exceptional, something that is outside of the norm, is often looked upon as being abnormal, and that 'abnormal' usually means annoying or bad, where as 'normal means mostly acceptable or good. We forget that these notions come from a stasticial convention, the bell curve, which does not tell us what is goo and what is bad."
And so, by page 4, I am completely sold and MUST continue reading. I only hope not to lose too much sleep over the next few days. Have you read it, yet? If not, and this sounds familiar or just intriguing, you should. If you have already enjoyed this USA Book News Best Books Award Finalist, what is your favorite or most moving part?
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