"Do your best" can be a bad thing to say - just perfectionism?

I ran across this today and it's interesting, but I think they left out the most important one.

http://lifehacker.com/10-things-to-stop-saying-to-your-kids-and-what-to-say-474962146

For us, the biggest issue has been perfectionism and effort.  "Just do your best," is a phrase intended to take the pressure out of achievement or results, but it hasn't been effective in our lives, personally, and from some psychologists' writings, I have learned we are not alone.

For M, it sounds like a tall order.  What is her best?  Is she sure she did her best?  What if she could have done better?  These are just a few of the questions that were her response to the dreaded phrase.  Instead of taking pressure off, we seemed to have piled on anxiety and complexity and confusion.

The bigger question about the dreaded phrase, however, is "should she always do her best?"  This is a question she would never ask as a compliant and perfectionistic and literal kid.  Instead, it is my question of her.  It is also my question for others.

Is it really important to do your best in every subject all the time?  If so, prioritizing is a non-issue.  Should you skip gymnastics practice to work on a paper for school the next day?  Of course not!  If you must always do your best, that must mean in gymnastics and schoolwork, right?!

Here's another example.  In cooking and baking, must you always do your best to measure exactly?  Baking is an area I actually measure ingredients, but honestly, my idea of perfection in cooking is not wasting ingredients.  If it calls for a certain kind of greens, I use whatever lettuce-like food we have in the fridge.  It calls for provolone cheese, but I have cheddar in the fridge, so cheddar is what we use!  Besides, when you're cooking, it doesn't have to rise, so measuring there doesn't mean as much to me.

The last example brings up yet another question.  How do you define your best?  In the cooking example, is it getting the most portions out of the meal?  Maybe it's using only what you have in the cupboards to avoid wasting food or to stay within your grocery budget at the end of the month.  Maybe it's getting the best flavor.  Then again, whose opinion about the best flavor do you use in that case?  It's not a simple statement, after all.

In cases like those, I would argue that "good enough" is a more appropriate approach than "do your best."  It is less confusing, and everyone still eats.  That is good enough for me.

I would go further, however, and say that good enough exists in many realms.  I doubt there is an adult out there who does their best at everything they do every time.  Why would we put that expectation on our children?  I'm not suggesting that people use this phrase intentionally to cause distress, but I think it's a poor one and should be limited to use in the same places we use phrases like "gee whiz" and the like - it's illustrative of a place in time and the culture of that time.  Other than that, I'm all for eliminating it.

Have a great weekend of "good enough" times!

Giftedness and Christianity and Education

Please let me begin by saying that we are Christian.  There are people who do ugly things in the name of Christianity out there, but I do not consider those people to be my people.  I have highly respected and valued people in my life who have different religious views.  Please be kind and respectful with me.  I definitely will do my best to do the same.

I think all parents have beliefs that are especially important to them.  They may be political, spiritual, philosophical, nutritional, or any number of other categories.  As parents, we feel a deep longing to share what is most important to us with our children.  It can be something as simple as a love of music or art.  While we all hope that our children will share our views on matters of particular interest, spirituality must come from the individual.

Providing education and framework to our children is my focus.  Whether or not our children choose to eat a healthy diet or stay physically active once they are grown is outside of our control.  While they are in our homes, we have more influence over what is available to them.  I believe that spirituality is similar to that.

M has a strong faith.  She has from a very young age, and I was skeptical of its depth at first.  The more she talked with me about it, the more I realized that it was genuine and that she spent a great deal of time thinking about it.  And she loves it!  We are Christian and raised her with faith in her surroundings.  This was part of her entertainment, reading choices, church activities, and more.

We also have shown her things that are not decidedly Christian.  Our reasons for this are many, but being people of faith, we believe that God calls us to be the light of the world.  You cannot light up the world if you don't leave the house.  However, we also believe that the best way to reach the world is to be loving and the kind of person people want around.  In some cases, people have even told me that there is something about me they'd like to have.  We are not out to bang people over the head with a Bible.  We want M to understand the world she lives in, and to be able to interact with many and enjoy the many valuable interactions available to her.

I get a lot of shocked reactions from people about this, but we studied Creation, Evolution, Big Bang, and Gilgamesh.  We, personally, find stories including magic to be entertaining and fun.  We are Harry Potter fans, for instance.  M has been exposed to a number of things.  However, her faith is amazing and strong, and it's something she cherishes as a part of herself.

As she grows, she studies what fascinates her.  As a result, she is not only advancing in grade level, but also spiritual understanding.  Planning for the school year become one level more complicated.  Wednesday night groups at her grade level are talking about emotional and physical things that she is not experiencing.  However, her Biblical and historical grasp of material is far beyond that.  Community is a big deal for Christians, but as with so many areas of giftedness, it is a difficult one for us to navigate.

We have discussed it at length with youth pastors and many others.  One children's pastor actually told me, "you're pushing her too hard."  If you are a pastor, never say this to a parent.  I never pushed M in any spiritual way.  Ever.  She loves it, is fascinated by it, and therefore flies through it.  She also has a capacity for learning what she loves that is beyond what many can imagine.  This pastor meant no harm, but it was painful and damaging in several ways.

There is value in M being with people close to her age.  There is value in her being with people close to her experiences, emotionally and physically and intellectually.  There is also value in her learning new things, which is an appetite for her.  I am afraid that if she is not challenged in her church groups, she will start to have a negative view of church, or it will sour her perception of Christian community.

My husband and I talked about this recently.  He tells me he went to Sunday school because it wasn't a choice, but he didn't get anything out of it.  I told him I went to the sermons.  He said, "yeah, but how about when you were her age."  I started sitting through sermones when I was younger than our daughter.  That got a stunned silence.  He was unsure that she is getting much out of sermons, which she is listening to.  However, she will bring up a recent sermon to me and relate it to something in a book or in our experience that day.  In many of those cases, she listened to that sermon with her father, and is telling me what was in it.  I'm sure she could get more out of sermons in a few years.  However, I'm convinced that she gets as much as many adults do out of them now.

If any of you have creative solutions or ideas for addressing this challenge (or others), please leave me a comment. on the pertinent post.  All comments will be moderated, so if you'd just like to contact me, let me know that you don't want it published and it won't be.  Have a great week and I hope your Fall preparations are exciting and smooth.

Unschooling Gifted Children - Chaos Can Be Effective!

I found this blog post today and found it intriguing.

http://giftedunschooling.blogspot.com/2013/08/i-have-no-control.html?spref=fb

Parts of it sounded like the voice in my head.  But wait!  I don't have a son.  Hmmmm . . .

I'm a big believer in organization, but highly gifted kids don't fit the mold, and therefore can be seen as messy.  This is part of the reason homeschooling has been such an extreme-sports kind of adventure for me.  I like structure.  I want to believe I have some control.  The bottom line is that I have control of myself and my choices.

Parts of her blog post terrified me.  The control freak in me didn't like it AT ALL!  However, we have had effective seasons of unschooling.  I also call these unit studies.  Unschooling and unit studies can look very similar in some cases.   I fully intend to do some seasons of unschooling in the future, but am happily looking forward to a school year with more structure this year.  So is M.  Well, she's happy about it today, at least.

Intensity - it's a huge part of high-achievers, giftedness, and autism!

I've ntoiced this trend in those we run across.  My pregnancy history has not one "normal" thing about it, so that fits this:
http://healthland.time.com/2012/07/10/what-child-prodigies-and-autistic-people-have-in-common/
Interestingly, I was memorizing full-length songs at age 3 quickly, but didn't become a prodigy or famous.  I cannot say I'm disappointed, at least not at this point in my life.

Intensity.

That word has so much implication in our lives and the lives of others.  When we learned of M's giftedness, the consultant looked at my husband and told him he needed to read this, telling him that he was living with two extreme examples.

Yes, I am the other intense one he lives with.  Have a great weekend, if I don't check back before then.

Extreme example of a twice exceptional child

When I watched this, I teared up right along with him.  When he talks about what's easy for them, I think, "no, we have it easy."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8G4Q3adT3LQ

Overachieving is a myth? Giftedness does not equal overachieving!!

I ran across a great blog post today.  I feel like the false assumption that overachieving and giftedness are more connected is the reason that many of us have had such scarring issues with schools.  The quote that rings through my head is, "but everyone here is gifted."

Honestly, I believe everyone is gifted in some area/way, but that does NOT make all people alike, or need the same things.  My reaction to that quote above was, "Do you understand that there are different levels of giftedness?"  Please understand that we have had some amazing teachers within the schools, but the ones that aren't so wonderful create significant problems.

Some of the innate differences in the neurology of my daughter are what I believe to be the cause of that teacher's approach.  He did not believe she was taking it in.  He cited only her maturity.  Yes, she is less mature than kids 3-4 years older than she is.  However, she was taking in more than the teacher realized.  Weeks later, she is quoting sentences verbatim to me about biology at a level that is difficult for me to fully grasp.  I'm glad we have found better science teachers for her elsewhere.

I think the misunderstanding explored in this blog post is at the heart of the issue, and not just with my family.  She offers a good explanation of it, and straightforward enough for a Monday ;).

http://giftedchallenges.blogspot.com/2013/07/gifted-children-and-overachievement.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+GiftedChallenges+%28Gifted+Challenges%29

Is it an intellectual adventure or an emotional one? Yes.

I'm having one of those days.  I ran across this blog post which widened the cracks and made me cry.  No, that's not a bad thing.

http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/07/18/so-i-just-wanted-to-say-thank-you/?utm_content=bufferc094b&utm_source=buffer&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=Buffer

This week, I had another random encounter where our special situation came up, as it seems to every time I leave the house.  The woman, meaning well and trying to be encouraging, talked about how she had an experience "the other direction" from giftedness.  I assured her it is not the other direction.  Before we knew there was anything aside from giftedness going on, I dealt with all of this emotional mess.  Yes, we are dealing with a twice exceptional child, who has legitimate special needs in the governmental sense, even though we are receiving no financial support for them, and STILL need to fill out all of those irritating forms. . .  However, the giftedness part feels to me very much the same as special needs.  Autism is different from Downs Syndrome is different than vision impairment is different from hearing impairment is different from developmental delays is different from giftedness.  As a parent, I relate closely to those who have "different" kids in whatever way.  It's all special educational needs.  That particular woman hates the labels.  Some days I do, too.  Most days, I'm kindof numb to them.

Here's the thing.  I started this blog to deal with the emotional part of the journey, since most of what was originally presented to me was highly intellectual.  I suppose I should not have been surprised since giftedness tends to draw very scholastic people.  I felt all alone, though.  For me, it was an emotional journey.  As I continue, I have learned that most gifted people feel isolated, just as people with kids who are different in any way feel misunderstood, and they filter their words most places.  It's lonely.  God created us to be in community, so lonely is bad.  It feels bad, too.  I have learned that many gifted people either aren't good at or don't believe themselves to be good at emotions and social interaction.

I continue to put myself out there, and to talk about our labels.  So does my daughter.  Some feel this is inappropriate, however, I do it for reasons of community, support and love.  I am far from perfect, but I am doing my best to be loving and connected with others.

I had a service performed this week, and the professional started asking about homeschooling, saying they were considering it.  This happens to me a lot.  I was tired and sad and didn't intend to reveal much.  I was simply not interested in being vulnerable at that moment.  The man started talking about his daughter.  He told me our story, if we had kept our daughter in school and she were a couple of years older.  I exhaled deeply and started talking to him.  He was anxious for more information.  Both my daughter and I threw out terms, books, web sites, and groups that could be helpful.  I felt more energized as I talked to him, and I will pray that whatever their "right answer" is, they find it.  We will continue to look hard for ours, and I feel like my visual capability for finding that path is severely impaired.  The man seemed touched, and I hope I approached him well.  Like many, I feel like a freak in the social interaction realm.  However, I offer myself, flaws and all.

I have often said that if even one family has less stress in their journey like ours, it will be worth every moment of being THAT woman forever - the wierd one who goes out on a limb and seems crazy.  I often picture a scene from the Sorcerer's Apprentice.  When Dave asks Balthazar if he's crazy, Nicholas Cage (as Balthazar) puts his fingers close together in a response.  Yep, a little bit . . . or maybe a lot.  That's me.

Finally, I love the super powers reference from Steve's blog post.  It reminds me of my fabulous frined, R, who I believe follows this.  I hope she sees this because she is such an inspiration to me in how she is a ferocious lover of kids who are not typical.  Just thinking of her makes me smile with pride.  It's such an honor to call her my friend.  If you have special situations and feel alone, I urge you to find people that "get it" - doing that has changed our lives.  People are out there who will understand and support you.  You will get into uncomfortable situations along the way, but nothing is so worth that risk!  Use your super powers and combine them with others.  Do it today!!!  You are not alone.  You are loveable and you are loved!!!!