They get lonely & hurt . . . and so do their kids.

My kid is a 2e kid.  It's not obvious, visibly, but it can become obvious pretty quickly after her mouth opens.  A few people have related to my fatigue and disappointment and irritation at almost every situation making our differences obvious.  Most people don't understand it because they haven't experienced it.  As a culture, many shy away from uncomfortable situations, including those where their empathy could cause them discomfort.  I have heard people say that they stay silent for lack of a better idea.  Let me assure you that silence isn't your best idea in many situations.  Go ahead.  Stick your foot in your mouth.  Feel foolish.  We can relate to that better than the experience this mom relates.

http://bloom-parentingkidswithdisabilities.blogspot.ca/2013/06/the-invisible-mom.html?m=1

My situation is not the same as this one.  I was included by some while my daughter was in school, and I worked hard . . . continue to work hard to help her feel more included than I do . . . or ever did, for that matter.  The professionals at the schools she attended were fabulous and did not make it more difficult for us.  They facilitated things.  M received invitations from classmates regularly . . . until we found homeschooling to be our only real option.  Very suddenly, all invitations from anyone connected with her schools stopped.  Every. single. one.  I remember when she asked me why we didn't have plans with ______, related to several different people.  At first, I told her I hadn't hear back yet, which was the literal truth.  Later, I told her I had tried, but it didn't work out.  That's one way to soften, "the parents never returned my calls/e-mails/texts."

For her last birthday party, two children accepted her invitation.  She didn't mind, and we emphasized how we could be more flexible with fewer people to move around, etc.  I cried for her more than one night after she was alseep, but she seemed effectively sheltered from feeling rejected.  One of the attendees was surprised and asked why there weren't more.  The other didn't comment, and I know that child did not have a party that year at all for similar reasons.  I replied to the comment with the simple statement that when she was in school, we invited a lot of the kids in her class, but that we had more choices with fewer people, and that's what we had chosen this year.

Recently, M attended a birthday party that was full of school kids, or at least I assume it was, as the birthday child attends school.  The child being celebrated also is surrounded by neurotypical situations (and I know this child is very intelligent and doing well at school).  M had questions about how to interact with the other kids, knowing noone else there.  We talked about it calmly a few days ahead of time just to give her ideas and choices, and she nervously asked me to remind her of the ideas while we were in the car on our way to the party.  She had a good time.

I make plenty of mistakes in life and look like a fool far more often than I'd like to.  This has had surprising benefits.  In one case, we met a family with 2 kids, and the older is bound to a wheelchair.  There was uncomfortable silence among the adults during introductions, but the younger sister proudly repeated into the following silence, "that's my big sister."  After a conspicuous pause, searching for something to say, I focused on the only person talking, "I know she's your sister.  You two have almost the same color eyes.  Are yours more green and hers more blue?  Did I see that right?  They are beautiful!"  As I said it, I intentionally looked into both of their eyes and smile.  Many shoulders dropped, and although I was sweating through the exchange, it developed into a friendly relationship.  I'm glad I risked putting my foot in my mouth.  Noone needed words about the difference in one child in the group.  I had no expertise or particular skill to get me through this.  I relied simply on desperation, and found something to say . . . anything positive!  It worked.

One more example: When M was in preschool, one of her classmates had a sibling who would grow into a wheelchair.  As we got kids ready to go, the mother would plop the child on the floor & help her other child prepare to depart.  The younger child, unable to crawl, moved like a porpoise or dolphin on the floor.  This wasn't terribly uncomfortable until M giggled one day, flopped down on the floor next to the child in the same movements, and talked loudly about how fun it was and how she loved dolphins.  I looked to the mother, afraid I'd find offense there and have to try and figure out something to say.  She slowly smiled at the two kids on the floor, then gave me a warm look.  Whew!!!!  M was saying nothing negative or inappropriate for her age.  That family also became one that we enjoyed conversation with through preschool.  M has usually been quite drawn to kids with differences, but not in a critical way.  As in that case, she genuinely enjoys the differences and sees the fun in them.  She simply didn't know anyone might be uncomfortable, and didn't think she should be any more careful with this child than any other.

Back to the birthday party pep talk.  M is starting to understand that there are times you need to be careful.  Sadly, she has learned that some people have false assumptions about giftedness.  She asked me why.  I told her that some people think it means that we see ourselves as better than them.  Her eyes got wide as she told me she believes the opposite.  I reminded her that we cannot control other people, but we can control ourselves and our reactions.  I told her that everyone needs attention & needs to feel important.  I don't want her to feel like there's something wrong with her, or that she should be ashamed of who and how she is.  However, I want her to be careful and nice to other people.  It's polite.  It's nice.  I recommended asking questions about the other kids, which shows interest in them.  Ask them how they know the birthday child, or if they are in the same class, or what they like to do outside of school?  Everyone has something they're good at, she reminded me.  I agreed.  I suggested she ask some questions to show interest in whatever they like.  That helps them feel important, too.  She reminded me that everyone is important.  Absolutely!

Here's my suggestion to everyone.  Show interest in people.  Even if you never see them again, you can make their day.  Be willing to be underwhelming.  If you like the color of someone's shirt, that's good enough.  It might make their day.  If you are uncomfortable with people who are visibly different than others, practice on other people first.  You don't need to make a lifelong friend to give a compliment to the person behind you in the line at the cash register.  Many people in our culture are lonely, or worse yet, feel invisible like the mom in the blog post I included here.  I have been impacted for years by simple statements from strangers.  I have been told that simple statements I made and forgot were earth-shattering to the receiver.  Be open to trying.  You might be pleasantly surprised.  Better yet, you could pleasantly surprise someone like the mom worried about tearing up while waiting at pick-up (whom I have been, as well).

I hope you had a great Independence Day weekend, and I hope you believe that you have the power to make a positive difference in another life today, and every day.  Embrace your power.

The disconnect between the exceptionally gifted and the public school system

I want to start this post by acknowleding that I want school to work for every child who wants to attend.  This will be a very lengthy post, as I'm including a copy of a lengthy letter I recently e-mailed.

We homeschool, but this was not our intention and I don't believe that it's the right choice for every child or family.  We all know the stereotypes about homeschoolers' superiority complexes and other similar assumptions.  I am not that person.  In fact, if school works for your family and your student, I urge you to attend!  For us, it did not work, even at a fabulous school and with amazing staff members.

I have repeatedly assured all readers that I have a profound appreciation of teachers and the staff within the schools.  It's no secret that I'm not a fan of the current public school structure, but it doesn't diminish my appreciation for the amazing individuals that maximize the good for so many kids.

Since we have entered the sphere of highly gifted families, I have heard virtually all of them relate wounds they have received from one or more school where they tried to adapt and embrace the school.  Consistently, I have been amazed by this.  The staff at M's past school seemed almost as concerned about her as we were and most of them were incredibly supportive of our decisions.  Some sent personal notes of encouragement & wept with me.

M was in a gifted summer program that was designed by and run through a public school program of sorts.  I viewed it no differently than summer camps, and went with our usual approach, the one encouraged by other families in our coop - put her in the low end of the range of grades or ages, and hope for the best.  I did.  The classes excited her, and it went better than we expected the first week. . .  or so we thought until we were at the celebratory open house at the end of the week.  I found myself facing a (literally) small man who gave me the gift of empathy toward those families who have been wounded by school officials.

The experience makes me fear that at least some in the schools are more interested in kids being still and quiet than in their academics. . .  or at least that conformity trumps intellectual ability.  I never thought my rule-kid would effectively be sent away from a program for behavioral reasons.  That is how the teacher tried to present things.  Here is the letter I sent to the director of the program following that encounter.  I'm going to edit for some semblance of anonymity.

Dear Ms *****,

I'm following up on the voicemail I left you late today.

Today, my husband and I attended the Open House for the ***** class.  We were escorted back with other parents about 3:00.  A few minutes after entering the classroom, Mr ***** asked me to talk with him while my husband was with M.

He expressed his concerned about how she had struggled through the week.  This surprised me, as my daughter usually tells me about struggles she's having before an instructor notes them, and she had not relayed anything I thought was significant during the week.  Mr ***** had many things to say, but his overall message was that she is too young and immature for the class, and that he was increasingly uncomfortable about the ***** class the week of *****.  He repeatedly said that he had talked to you about # and up being the age range, and that most kids going into #th grade are already #.  I started to tell him that M is less than # weeks too young by state standards to be in #th grade this Fall [the director had urged me to do my best in enrolling her at her academic level, rather than her age], but he cut me off with more concerns.  The registration forms for the summer school program never even asked for her age, only her grade, so I'm confused about all of the age references.  Perhaps this is something you and Mr ***** need to clarify between you.

Our daughter is small for her age, and my husband had noted Mr *****'s pointed comment about the #th grade class when he walked her back the first day, but Mr ***** didn't mention it to myself or my husband until this afternoon more directly.  I'm disappointed that we were not included sooner, when adjustments could have been made.  I'm also disappointed that he approached us the way he did.  He was more cautious with his words to my husband, who asked him some questions after I took over with our daughter.  My husband has a significant stature and tends to get more serious consideration and respect than me, his small wife who is mistaken for a much younger person.  That doesn't endear me to the teacher any more, as you may guess.

Here are some of the things that were said to us by Mr ***** in my closest recollection, and I often have near perfect recall.  He repeatedly cut me off, personally, so he probably heard very little of my response to it, nor did he seem interested in it.  He chose to pass me off to *****, who was a much better person to interact with, anyway.  My responses to Mr. *****'s concerns are below:

"She doesn't fit in."

What do I even say to that?  Unprofessional and inappropriate come to mind.  My daughter doesn't fit in most of the time & most places.  That's a very common state of being for highly gifted individuals.

"She had trouble with a cover sheet we did on the computer.  I basicly did her cover sheet for her."

There was no mention of computer involvement in the class description.  She does not use the computer often and is unfamiliar with most programs, but I had no reason to believe this would present a problem in the class.

"She kept saying she was done with things and asking when we were going to eat."

I find it hard to believe that this something a teacher of his reported (repeatedly to us) experience hasn't experienced.

"She should be with kids of her own maturity level.  There are some #[younger] year-old classes where she would do better."

I find it extremely arrogant that a man who has spent one week teaching my daughter would think he knows what would work best for her.  I have spent the last year and a half homeschooling her following consultation with Dr Deborah Ruf, among others.  Also, in a gifted educational program, I am astonished that this would be recommended.  Many studies agree that the only age group that highly gifted children don't relate to better than their peers do, are their peers.  In most cases, they relate best to people older than themselves.

"She doesn't have the stamina to last an entire day."

She went through several weeks at ***** museum camps, which were all day without an issue of stamina ever coming up.  Also, ***** museum has an age waiver for her to be in the #[3 years older]+ class because she gets bored in their classes at her age level.  Her ***** teacher from last Fall considers her to be perfectly equal to ths class [this was the same subject and this same teacher with a Master's Degree in Education wrote the required reference letter that was part of our application to the program], and M has completed ***** [a more advanced class on the same subject].  I am bewildered that Mr ***** would think she isn't up to the task.  He is in the minority in that opinion.

"Her immature behavior made me and the other students uncomfortable" 

This was to my husband, whose never-a-poker-face expression silenced Mr ***** on the subject.  I recollected the several students who I witnessed going out of their way to say goodbye to her by name at pick-up, and find it strange that they would single her out to say goodbye if uncomfortable around her.  I also find this unprofessional of him and irrelevent to the class in question.

He said much more, and I shall try to forget most of it.  The bottom line is that she is not welcome in his class, and after what we heard today, we would prefer he not have influence on her for future classes, anyway.  We would like a full refund for the ***** class [which had not yet occurred, but had the same teacher assigned].

While I understand that this is a gifted program, I don't think that Mr ***** is aware of the different levels of giftedness.  It felt like he wanted cookie cutter kids.  Many of his complaints were related to classroom familiarity, which our daughter hasn't had as much for [more than a year], although she has consistently been in classes at ***** museum, coop, and several other places.  While I understand that this can complicated a classroom environment, I don't believe it should be such a huge issue for only 2 weeks of class - 10 days.  She's not disrespectful.  She's very concerned about following rules - stops at each new place and reads through the posted rules before interacting with the new environment.  She has indiosynchrosies, but is extremely compliant.

Here's the other thing.  Most of the behaviors he indicated as proving she is too young for the class are common in [the vast majority of kids in our] Homeschool coop, and most of those students are older than M.  One of my closest friends has a neurotypical son who is #[years older] and displays the same behaviors more severely. . .  

I have met mostly fabulous professionals within the schools.  The school system does not work for our daughter, as indicated by past trials and in the opinion of Deborah Ruf (I assumed you knew her, and *** did, but just in case - she's a local educational psychologist & author specializing in giftedness - nationally known . . .).  Dr Ruf explained our situation to us by indicating that in M's school district at the time (*****) there were statistically # kids like her in the entire district in her grade, so most likely not in the same school (since there are # gradeschools) or class.  We were fortunate to encounter almost unanymous support as we tried to work with our school, and I have yet to meet another family in a similar situation that can say that.  In the end, it didn't work.

***** [another teacher at the summer program] met M in a class in ***** (and remembered her face upon seeing it this week), and emphasized how much she'd be great in this program, so we decided to give it a try.  ***** was such a fabulous and enthusiastic teacher of **** kids & excited by their indiosynchrosies & intensities, which bodes well.  Only one other family we've met had tried **** and they had a bad experience, but we thought it was probably that they weren't able to actually sign up at their functional grade level [it's complicated].  You allowed me to sign her up (with appropriate proof of her capacity) where it looked like the best fit, for which I was grateful & without which we would not have signed up.  With her aged only a few weeks younger than the low end of the age range, I felt it was a good possibility.  I am convinced that with a different teacher this would have been a successful adventure.  However, it ended up being quite upsetting for both myself and my husband.  M is disappointed that she will not be attending *****.  We told her that we didn't think this teacher was a good fit for her and so we were cancelling it.  We chose not to tell her about Mr *****'s role and comments for obvious reasons.

As someone who is a passionate proponent of highly gifted education and individuals, I want all programs associated with giftedness to be successful for the good of all the individuals involved as well as their spehere of influence through their lives - it's so important . . .  However, I think a good understanding of which of those programs work together is necessary to minimize further pain to families affected by this.  Yes, our special population encounters a great deal of pain.  Our experience with Mr. ***** tody is quite similar to what most of the families in our coop have experienced with schools of all varieties - some of them in several different attempted schools.  Some of the families drive ***** each way to be a part of the coop - there just isn't a lot out there for these kids.  Mr ***** is right in saying that her maturity level is low.  However, her intellectual level is ridiculously high.  That makes things difficult from multiple angles.  We would have been fine if he had stuck to saying that it wasn't a good fit for *****, if it had come earlier in the week and we had the chance to see if we could all work together to improve the situation.  The timing of the information and the additional steps he took were highly offensive.  I would urge teachers not to assume they know what's best for a child better than the parents without a great deal of information, which he did not have and could not have had after only one week with M.  I was a teacher for # years, and learned that parents almost always know best.

There are gifted students in the schools.  There are also many levels of giftedness and some of them do not tolerate the current school structure in this country.  In a gifted program, I assumed the teachers would understand more than Mr ***** seemed to.  I really wanted this to work, but maybe Mr ***** is right and she just doesn't fit in.  Perhaps she's too highly gifted, along with all of the challenges that includes.  It's not better, and it's certainly not easier.  Even within gifted programs, we have these struggles.  I never wanted that for her.  I never wanted her to be anything but normal and happy.  She is not normal.  However, I intend to keep her as happy as possible.

I'm a babbler, obviously (in case you had forgotten from our couple of phone conversations).  This is a subject that has been a huge one in our lives for a while now, so that exacerbates my babbling.  Please let us know when/how we will received the requested full refund.  Of course, I'd be happy to interact with you further on how this might become a more successful option for children like our daughter and those within our coop.

Regards,

Jen

I want to give full credit where it's due.  A man involved in the program attempted to find another class for M.  He was open to talking to me about how we approach things, asking questions, and recommending certain teachers over others, having spoken with M on several occasions throughout the week.  He did his best to intervene and help both my husband and myself separately.  My husband used language I almost never hear from him, but only directed at the teacher, and only when I was the only one to hear it.  The message he received (not in so many words) was "your daughter isn't worth it."  Daddy was mad!  What he said to the helpful gentleman was that we have a big difference of opinion about our daughter and how she should be treated and approached than that teacher.

The director called me very quickly.  She apologized for things going so poorly, and regretted that she didn't know M's interests to be able to suggest other classes.  She immediately agreed to the refund, and asked us to give it another try in the future.  She also talked about how she needs to do more in educating  the teachers about how these kids are in different places/levels in different parts of their lives and minds.  She asked a lot of questions about how we educate, how M is different than a typical school-child, and really wanted information.  I felt that she cared not only about the program working to serve all of the special population she wants to reach, but also that she empathized and wants things to go well for our family.  She could not have handled it better.

The teacher talked with the director about the situation during the week, and she reported that he seemed very focused on age.  Like us, she asked him how the academic part was going.  He had no viable complaints about that, only some vague, weak comments.  She was professional, but I got the impression that she shares our opinion about the teacher's inflexibility for the most part. I want the program to work for others, and I felt strongly that this teacher would not help that goal.  I hope our communication avoids pain for other families and staff going forward.

Wishing you and your family nothing but joy and fulfillment in your summer plans!

Question Everything - How many right answers are there?

An older movie with Meg Ryan playing the niece of Einstein, she is trying to wrap her mind around a concept, and reminds herself to question everything.  I love this concept when I'm feeling stuck, it enables me to back up much like Roxanne Richie does in Megamind.  We can then see things a completely different way - clarity is sometimes better at a distance.

This was recommended & I love it - a great and inspiring post for anyone who has been going through the motions and taking things for granted. . . . this is most people, I fear . . .  

http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/06/26/everything-new/

My daughter does this.  It is the way her mind works, and she is constantly fascinated and absorbed.  As a mother, this is extremely frustrating.  While I see the value in doing this when it is appropriate, sometimes you need to see the door in front of you and open it, rather than admire the writing on every item you pass.  How do I find a balance on this myself and pass it on to my daughter?  I do not want her to lose her sense of wonder, and she inspires me in so many ways.  However, remembering to eat is good.  Does that sound extreme?  Seriously, we have to remind her to eat.  I'm no better.   When I get wrapped up in something, I realize I need to eat when the headache becomes unbearable.  

So, yes, we need to question everything and see things from a new perspective, but I think many gifted individuals take this to an extreme that makes life difficult.  I often remember the far side cartoon about the gifted school where the door says either pull and the student is trying desperately to push it open.  Yes, it's funny.  I think it's also pretty true. An inspiring mother of a 2e individual was telling me how many people assume only one way to interpret things, but gifted minds see more correct options.  She used an example of doorways.  At a public place, a door said exit, and it meant don't go through this way in that situation.  However, her daughter was trying to exit the room she was in, read exit, and proceeded toward the door.  She wasn't incorrect in her interpreatation, even though it was an ineffective interpretation in that particular situation.  In a way, B was telling me that gifted minds are more creative - that they see mroe possibilities in each situation.  That reminds me of the blog post linked, as well.

I'm not sure what my point is on this, but the connections interested me, and I wanted to share them.  Please share you thoughts, examples, or musings on it.  Do you have an amusing story to share that links with these things?  Life is fascinating . . .

Is giftedness genetic? Is neurology (and neurological anomoly) hereditary?

When we first had M assessed for giftedness and personality style, we were told that there is a genetic pre-determined range for IQ.  This makes sense to me, but my husband and I each pointed to the other one as the responsible parent for this.  The expert in question told us that statistically people marry within 5 IQ points of their own, as well, making it even more hereditary.  She cited studies on kids who were adopted, and believes they indicate that environment affects individual aptitudes, but when that environment is left behind (graduation, for example), individuals tend to drift right back into that genetic range.

I have not done a lot of scientific studies.  There are plenty of them out there, of course.  I have read some of them, but my style is a bit different.  Part of the reason I started this blog is that when we entered this world of awareness of giftedness and related topics, I found an abundance of scholarly, intellectual material available, but very little emotional commentary on it.  As our greatest injuries around the topic of giftedness have come from other families with highly gifted individuals present, I decided to put a blog out there, and at least be able to record my emotional journey, in case it was helpful to another parent starting a similar journey & feeling as out of place and confused as I did.  Here's the message I want people to hear.  You are not alone.  You do not need to have the answers.  Your children will be fine.  You will make mistakes.  Your children will still be fine.

Along those lines, I am inclined to believe that giftedness is hereditary, even though I've seen many who are recognizing one child as highly gifted and a biological sibling to that child who is considered neuro-typical.  Is this possible?  Probably.  Like I said, I'm not a scientist.  However, I think there is a lot more to people than we understand, and there may be a separate factor involved that makes the kids seem different, yet they may still both be gifted.

Here's a very recent example that has encouraged this idea in my mind.  I shared recently that M was presenting one vision abnormality, so we had her assessed and found multiple abnormalities in her vision.  Throughout that process, they asked if there was any family history of it.  We repeatedly said no.  One grandmother told us a bit later that she had done eye exercises as a child.  Huh?  That's both an argument for and against the genetic predisposition of neurology, possibly ;).  Today, I learned that the grandfather on the other side also had similar eye exercises as a child and now relies on one eye almost completely.  Neither my husband or I had any idea about these things, and it might have been helpful to know.

Both grandparents were under the impression that their eye issues were muscular in nature.  I'm sure the doctors believed that, as well.  More recent research indicates that it's the neurological controls of vision that creates the dysfunctions in vision.  That's another generational difference.  Specialists in their 40s now did not have the benefit of the same treatments when they were growing up.  Both of the grandparents had forgotten large parts of the treatment, as they were done as children, so further erosion of information within the family.  I just think it's interesting to think about.  Our brains are fascinating things.  I studied some very specific neurological approaches to things as the result of a previous job, but am hearing now that similar treatments and approaches are being used to treat a variety of challenges in children (and adults).

There's another thing I wonder in all of this.  Why is it so easy for people to consider hereditary disposition for neurological diseases, like MS, but deny the hereditary disposition for neurological differences like giftedness?  Maybe it's the same false assumptions and competitive/defensive reactions in people around the concept of "smart."

Hope you're having a lovely summer day, and having an intellectual banquet that is to your taste.

Giftedness and Graduations

It's that season again - graduation parties!!  We were invited to four this year, and attended one last night.  The girl who graduated is exceptional and I know her well enough to speak to that on a number of levels and topics.  She had a huge turnout for the party, as she is delightful, involved and friendly.  She had a typical-enough high school classroom experience, and is glowing as she heads on to a somewhat typical college experience.

In between exchanging hugs with people I hadn't seen in weeks, months or years, I had this surreal experience of seeing things from a distance.  My daughter was with me, but we will never have a party like that for her.  In the midst of knowing the parents involved, the release from the work is a relief, I admit.  The mother of the grad saw my expression while contemplating this, and I admitted that M will never have a graduation party.  She looked confused, but recovered.  With a twinkle in her eye, the mother said I was thinking pretty far ahead.  She meant in lovingly, but she doesn't understand our situation.  The grad, knowing more of our situation, smiled and I could tell she understood and was choosing not to make a big deal of it.

I ran across an extreme example on facebook today.
http://www.oregonlive.com/education/index.ssf/2013/06/in_college_at_12_off_to_start.html

So many things go through my mind as I try to process this story.  I am so thrilled for the girl, who has the ability and opportunity to deeply nourish an area of fascination.  So many exceptional people are less lucky.  I am sure it has been uncomfortable for her, but am impressed that she has seemed to adapt so early in life to her differences.  Again, many exceptional people are less lucky.  I also hope that my daughter proves to be a less exceptional example.  Contrary to what many people think, giftedness is a burden often enough that I didn't wish for it in my daughter.

Then, I think about the mother, trying to relate.  I hope that M grows up to be a less extreme example than this girl.  I remember realizing we were going to have an issue, and laughed because it sounds like this mother phrased it similarly to how I experienced it.  I remember thinking M was just enjoying fun visual stimulus.  We tried to follow the parenting advice of minimal screentime, and avoided computers longer than many, but we did employ educational DVDs early, mostly out of desperation.

Baby Einstein videos were the first because we received a set as a baby gift before her birth, so they were available at the moment of desperation.  Plagued with guilt, I started one when M was a few months old.  She was calmed and fascinated by it, and it looked like she was learning.  I decided that I was trying to assuage my guilt by thinking that way.  I also decided that a sane mother was good for my daughter, and continued to play them for her.

Baby Monet is the only one I remember well.  There are adorable zebra puppet scenes.  One gets sunburned, and (spoiler alert!) the other cakes the first sunscreen.  This is followed by zebra #1 making sheep noises, looking very much like a sheep from the thick white sunscreen.  M laughed like crazy about that.  I remember stopping my business in the kitchen, then shaking my head and thinking, "no way!"  Her age was still measured in months, and there was no way she understood the joke.  Right?  She was too young to remember it, so it will be on my list of things to ask in Heaven.

Some milestonse may not get celebrated traditionally, and that's all right.  We will celebrate her.  For first grade being completed, we invited the grandparents to a lunch and visited a local amusement park.  We also had professional photos taken, since she doesn't automatically get school photos.  M did not mind that going differently than other kids.  Second grade very quickly followed, and she was satisfied with pizza, a DVD and ice cream with her parents for that occasion.  I picture us parents collapsed on the couch that evening, and am pretty sure it's an accurate memory - second grade took a few weeks for her to complete.  We have stopped celebrating the end of each grade, as a result.  I will continue to try and find ways to celebrate in a meaningful way, if not a traditional one.

She has started to become more socially aware.  For a while, that seemed to not be on her radar.  It was a phase, because she was social before and is becoming more social again.  I wonder if she was so starved for learning that other things ceased to matter for a time.  I hope that her increasing social interest means we are feeding her intellect adequately.  School is still not tempting to her, but homeschool classes, museum class, summer school classes, etc . . .  all of that is exciting to her, as much as kid birthday parties, honestly . . .  It will be interesting to navigate.

If you are among those celebrating a graduation of any kind this Spring, I congratulate you . . .  at any age, young, average, or old!

P.S.  A wise friend asked me why we wouldn't be having a graduation for M.  I'm sure that friend will have one, regardless of the age at graduation because that's how she is.  I will attend if I'm invited, and am not trying to make decisions for anyone, nor judge their decisions that differ from ours.

Envy, snobbery, etc.

This is a topic few talk about regarding giftedness.

I am guilty of envy.  I am envious that my daughter feels insecure (almost as much as I do) about celebrating her milestones.  Virtually every parent celebrates milestones like first steps, talking, riding a bike, starting school, graduation, etc.  However, when your child does anything at a time considered "abnormal" (as if normal exists  . . .  I'm not convinced), some people make a big deal and false assumptions about the people celebrating them.  This is also related to delayed development of any kid, as well as those kids who experience both delays and acceleration, depending on the area.  I think this does a decent job of being neutral in tone about the topic.  It's a hard one.

http://microscopesareprudent.wordpress.com/

Is giftedness bad for your health?

I realize this seems like as ludicrous a question as my blog title, but actually . . . it can be, apparently.

M went for an assessment for vision therapy, following a noticing in a routine eye exam.  It started as "this can be perfectly normal at her age," then became "we'd like to see it minimized, so try this at home for a couple of months, and finally was, "I think you should consult a therapy specialist.  Of course, we did.  There were some symptoms of the issue, but we really would not have noticed if not for the doctor.

When we went in for the results, my husband got uncharateristically quiet.  He stayed that way for a long time.  This was before the payment information was revealed, even.  I found myself feeling a sinking sensation in my chest as the therapist explained the sheet to us.  As I glanced over it, one thing was perfectly clear.  Her vision is far from normal.  Let me stall any fear by stating that it is all believed to be fully treatable, and in less time than I would have expected.

In gifted circles, you hear neuro-typical and similar terms frequently, but it has far-reaching implications.  Neuro-typical can apply to all sorts of things beyond intelligence.  I'm not a doctor and won't pretend to understand all of the consequences, but I do understand that anything the brain controls is neuro-something.  Vision is no different.  From the second mention of vision concerns, it was made clear that this is a brain issue, rather than a muscle issue.

You're probably wondering when I'll get to my point.  Here it is.  With the results we were given, most kids would be in remedial reading classes, failing math, or other similar things.  That's one of the ways that kids are noticed by people suggesting vision therapy.  M does not show one of those symptoms.  The therapy specialist said that it's only because of her extreme intelligence that she was able to read at all . . . and boy does she read!!!!  She reads well and a lot!  The specialists were amazed and talked about how hard she is working to visually do all that she is doing.  Wow.

Of course, they excitedly went on to say that she would become a neurospecialist someday and that after therapy everything will be easier for her.  Yikes!  Seriously, this mom reacts to quicker progress with yikes, and I am not ashamed to admit it!  As for the neurospecialist, she told the doctor she likes animals.  The doctor said she could be a vet.  M said, "I thought so for a while, but now I don't.  I think I want to work at PetCo."  So, the doctor looked at me astonished, and I just said, "I think it would be fun & I think she'd be good at it."  So, that flung us back into the more familiar realm of my weirdness of life.

So many of the things that we saw as idiosynchrosies of a highly gifted child could be symptoms of vision dysfunctions (yes, the plural is intentional).  Because of how quickly she progresses in learning, we may not have noticed had she not needed glasses, etc.  I have many curiosities about the changes to come.  One of them is the emphasis of vision on IQ tests.  I don't believe every child, gifted or not, needs an IQ test, but M had one in the course of our adventure, then was asked to be in a normative study for another, and now will be participating in a third test as part of normative testing.  I wonder if/how things would/will show up differently if she is invited to be part of another normative test.  Disclaimer: most normative testing does not allow you to see your results, but we got lucky and are allowed to receive unofficial results, which is just interesting to compare with other things.  M likes it because they pay her (and she spends it at Petco :)).