What is home?

I hear about highly gifted children asking questions like "what is time?" and similar things we take for granted, but are difficult to explain to a very young person. Recently, we have been exploring the concept of home. 

M didn't ask what it meant outright, but we have been exploring it. I have been exploring with her, and so has my husband. Closely linked is the concept of family, which is something we are revisiting as adults, and our daughter is exploring in depth for the first time. There are legal definitions of family and home, but I'm referring to the emotional and conceptual meanings. Some old lyrics that google didn't help me pin down today go something like this: "I never thought home would end up a place I don't belong." [If you can help me remember where that surfacing phrase originated before entering my mind through my ears, I'd be grateful.]

My baby girl is growing up. That's a cliche, I know, but there seem to be lurches in the process, and I feel we are in or just past one of those. She was telling me about some conversations happening around her that made her uncomfortable. The adults involved should not have been having those conversations.  Then again, I think they should know the girl in question better, as well. I asked her about it and got vague but honest answers. The gist is that these people were talking about us in a way that wasn't positive or pleasant, assuming our daughter was distracted by something. I was disappointed, but not surprised.

I asked her what "us" meant, wanting to understand better, and it warmed my heart to learn that there is a strong association between the word "us" and our family of 3. I like that. I hope that is an ongoing trend. Like most parents, we try to insulate our daughter from some of the less attractive qualities and interactions with extended family. This is one area where her being highly gifted makes parenting both easier and more difficult at the same time.

A woman I love as much as anyone on earth told me once that she felt guilty about how her relational issues with a family member seemed apparent to her daughter. I understand that emotion better now than when she confided in me. However, today, my daughter told me some things she's been noticing that make her sad. They are the same things my husband and I have been noticing. We both dealt with some guilt, like the woman mentioned previously.

M needs to be able to accept the truth about who her family members really are in order to effectively love them and interact with them. The sad thing is that those same people seem not to know and understand her much or me at all . . . my husband? I'm not sure how well they understand him, but the trend isn't great in any scenario.  M is too young to be expected to bear an emotional burden that is not her own. However, her relationship, or lack of one, is her own burden.

When people kindly interact with her in a way that seems appropriate to her size and/or age, she has learned to say appropriate things, but her tone is . . .  a work in progress. Once she responds to something that interests her . . . . let's just say I can tell you how big a bite many people can take. What follows is what tells me more about the person and their ability to appreciate and enjoy my daughter's company. I don't judge people for an initial assumption. After all, you have to start somewhere. The follow-up determines a lot more about how I see those people.

As we have been exploring this, we have learned that M's "us" is a great definition of family.  It simultaneously implies connection, unity, togetherness and more. Home is a concept that is a bit more hazy to me. We use the word to describe wherever we are staying, even when on vacation. However, there are places that are far more comfortable than others. Some of those places would not be referred to as our home. And yet . . . when we feel exceptionally comfortable, we describe it as "home" even when it is not a house or dwelling place.  Maybe "us" is home.

We are excited as we start a new chapter and try some new things in an effort to get more feelings of home and family. Giftedness is now a large part of how we operate, many of the decisions we make, and a surprising chunk of our daily life. I talked with a manager at an establishment we have frequented for years, who told me that giftedness is a beautiful girl with shining eyes as he watched her read and talk with his other customers. He also defined quirkiness as "having fun with friends," which I like. Don't you just adore your friends' quirks?!  Another place where we are recognized, we received a card, a demand to make sure we stayed in touch, and a few freebies related to something we're interested in with a shining smile. I could mention so many more.

However, it is sad to me how many of the people we are accepted by and sought after are not the ones you would assume, especially if you listen to Hallmark. I never thought home or family would be a place I don't belong. Several counselors have encouraged me to see the large family I have, and how wonderful the chosen family is. I love my family, but the people I want around are my "real"/"chosen" family. It warms my heart when I see the arms of those reaching back at me. I am trying to share some of the emotional tools I have learned in counseling with my amazing daughter. I have a feeling she'll be just fine.

I think "us" is in for some great times ahead. Blessings to you, your "home" and your "family" today - whatever that is to you.

Homer? As in . . . . Homer?

I have a younger friend with a highly gifted child, and I think of her so often as we go about our life with a gifted child. It helps me laugh at things and keep a good perspective, especially because this friend is particularly wonderful. Today, we spent all day in the same place, more or less. One of the advantages of homeschooling is that you can pack your books, or iPad or whatever if there's WiFi and you need internet, and you can do school wherever. Today, M was reading the Children's Homer - it's the Wanderings of Odysseus and one other - Trojan horse or Jason & the Fleece - I forget which. Last week, it was the Iliad adapted for kids. Anyway, she was very cooperative, even when required to sit still for as many hours as the average adult on a weekday. An older gentleman kindly expressed interest in what she was reading, saying it looks more complicated than what his granddaughter was reading, and she was 6. She told him it was Homer. He was silent for a full minute and blinked, then looked at me and said, "Homer, as in Greek?" I replied in the affirmative and he was pretty shocked, but complimentary. I would have loved to know what my companion next to me was thinking about the conversation, but will likely never know. Then, a surgeon came to give us a report. She also asked what M was reading, and said, "Wow! Homer . . . as in . . . Homer? I replied that she is unique, and then inquired about the patient, thinking it was an odd and amusing encounter . . . How does this relate to my young friend? Well, I have expressed frustration that we cannot seem to go anywhere that the differences in M are not evident, even when she is not with me. My young friend has not experienced this the same way, and suggested that I make it clear I'm not interested in talking about it and it will essentially go away. I giggled, and reminded her about the personality of my daughter, which shifted her perspective. Don't get me wrong - this is one of my most treasured friends. Her youngest will have similar experiences throughout his life, but I don't think it has begun for her quite yet . . . in time . . . Without any direct interaction, it made today more amusing and less frustrating. Thank God for true friends. And yes, Homer and in Homer. Homer as in Greek. ;)

It's a new year!

Wow! I didn't realize how long I had neglected this Blog. I have continued to live the topic and questions, however. During the New Year, it's tradition to have resolutions. M decided to resolve to try and have a better life. I'm not sure what that means to her right now, but it sounds like a good one for her age. I didn't make a resolution this year. The last year has meant ongoing change, and I feel like resolutions are unnecessary. In fact, I make them quite often, so who cares about New Years regarding resolutions? A New Year symbolizes a fresh start, however, and we can use one of those, so maybe I do care. We plan to travel more, and I know we will all learn as M experiences new places. We are seeing how the last year has changed us, our lives, our goals, and our values. We are still Christian. We still value Truth - some probably believe we value that too much, however, Jesus said he is the Truth and the light. We have learned to have a greasier coat, in animal terms - to let more run off our backs. Time is so precious, and the truly important people are precious, as well. As a result, the icky and the annoying have become easier to disregard and leave behind. We still do not know God's plan for our future, but feel like we can see a little farther in front of us than we could a year ago, or even six months ago. We will be able to make more decisive choices. We have resolved to make our family within our home a higher priority than it has been in the past, especially in comparison to other relationships. We have decided to place the people who accept us and journey with us at a higher priority as well. Today, I wondered why my husband chose a woman so full of sadness. Then, it occurred to me that he was initially drawn to deep sadness in my eyes. There is beauty in sadness, and this year has reminded me that sadness is not something to flee from, but another part of life and something that adds beauty. A friend who honors me with a view of their tears and non-smiles, as well as the smiles is someone I value much higher than others. In fact, those who don't, tend to not see me much at all. There has been great sadness in our lives over the last few months, and great stress over the last year and a half. Some have reacted defensively. I wonder why. I wonder what they are thinking. Do they think we are judging them? Do they think we feel superior? Do they feel guilt over making different choices than we have? In the end, I do not believe it is about my family, and I need to let them work that out themselves. We have learned more than ever that there isn't one right fit for everyone, so we definitely do not believe that everyone should line up with our choices! There has been a beautiful mix of people who have been drawn to us during this change, and I am so grateful for these gorgeous people. Their spirits nourish our souls, whether or not the shell they reside in is beautiful by cultural standards. I have resolved to prioritize more effort toward M's relationships that match these values, as well. I believe that is an area that has been most lacking. I do not believe it has been lacking because there are not other intelligent people of similar age in the area. In fact, I know there are many. However, forming those relationships has not been happening as I would like. We are making changes. We are feeling a strong pull toward a specific area, and in thinking more about that, realizing that there is a group of people we are feeling drawn to spend more time around. To sum up, sadness led to excitement and anticipation. 2013 is going to be a gorgeous year. There will be sadness, but it will be a beautiful sadness, I'm convinced.

Homeschooling statistics

Created by: CollegeAtHome.com Please understand that I do not believe that homeschooling is the right choice for every student or every parent. However, I think this proves much of what I have learned about homeschooling since beginning the process a year ago. The common questions and concerns I hear so regularly are addressed here. If school is working for your child, by all means, stick with what works! These are averages.

Parents in denial, shock and laughter

There is a lovely woman who I am honored to call a friend. She is married to a real-life, easy-t-recognize genius. They have a preschool-aged son. I have been telling my (also brilliant) friend that their son is gifted, and that it's hereditary. At first, it was denial that anyone except her husband was gifted. At least she didn't try to deny that one. Our mutual teasing has gone on as long as I have known her. I just kept insisting that their son is gifted. Of course, being someone who can handle me, she blew it off. Yes, I did just admit that's sometimes what it takes to deal with me. Moving on. Today, I got an awesome, short text from her, essentially saying, "I concede. He is gifted." Just to put another feather in the its-not-hereditary camp hat, I replied with, "Duh!!!!!" Enter the laughter. She sent me more details ending with, "oh dear." It made long Christmastime lines at the post office quite entertaining, as I pictured my friend with Piglet's voice and stutter ;). I think the bottom line is that most parents adore their children and believe them to be the most amazing children on the planet. At the same time, we know we're partial to our children, so we doubt our own opinions. Or, perhaps it is hereditary and we simply don't recognize it as anything unusual. I must admit it is far more relaxing to joke around with my friend and anticipate her younger child going through all of this than it was to realize it in my own child. We will laugh together and share stories through both families' adventures, I hope. I cherish the vulnerability of other families sharing their experiences with us. If things on this blog resonate with you. . . or even if they don't, you are not alone. Wishing you a holiday season rich and warm with loving community.

What does giftedness look like?

I've gotten more than the usual number of people recently telling me that they don't think their child is gifted. The reasons are plentiful. Some say that they are struggling with everything. I knew a girl whose first grade teacher said she was falling behind. In a year or so, she was doing seventh grade math. My daughter is reduced to tears from math, but is years ahead in other subjects. Some say their child doesn't get high grades or scores. That describes my daughter, yet she is highly gifted; Albert Einstein flunked out of school, yet I don't think that's why his name has become a synonym for genius. Some parents tell me that their kids are behind in developmental ways. I still cannot throw or catch as well as the average gradeschool child, yet I have a gradeschool child. Some parents tell me their child is immature. Well, they are children, and let's face it, we all know adults that are immature. What does giftedness look like? It looks like a beautiful impressionistic painting made up of smaller, different pictures, just like most other things. Recently, in our house giftedness has been contained within someone who upon being asked to let the dogs out and (separately) told where her goggles were, did not hear me. The second repetition regarding the dogs, led to her going the wrong direction, putting on her shoes and simply standing there waiting. With the goggles, it led to her telling me that, "no, that's my towel mom." Funny, I thought I knew what goggles looked like. The third repetition, she let the dogs out, but not without some sitcom-worthy physical humor included. With the goggles, it was, "oh, I thought you were pointing to my towel." I responded, "I listened to the words and pointed to your goggles" without too much tone, and managed to postpone rolling my eyes until after she had turned around. I'm fairly certain none of the examples from today would show up in a short checklist of what indicates giftedness in a child. She is still gifted. Labels are supposed to clarify, yet they are very difficult to accurately define. Merry Christmas a little early :)

CRPD - will the UN govern educational decisions in the US?

There is an upcoming vote in the US Senate about a UN Convention for the Rights of People with Disabilities on December 4th. It affects homeschoolers and parents of kids with disabilities, as well as the population as a whole, but has been remarkably unknown. I'll do my best to summarize, and you can find ample information on the web if you feel inclined. The UN would be able to regulate what is considered necessary for the education of people with disabilities. However, disabilities is not defined, so this could mean children who are very young and have a mild (and possibly temporary) speech impediment. It has the potential to negate parents' rights to homeschool, or make educational decisions for their children, and moves that to the UN. Part of my issue with that is the obvious infraction of freedom granted in the US constitution. Part of my issue with it is that the UN is not an elected group, so we have no say in the individuals making the decisions. They are also quite removed from our immediate viscinity and unlikely to fully comprehend what is necessary in individual cases. The US is widely acknowledged to have the most extensive support offered to people with disabilities, so it is unlikely to enhance the programs offered here. Reportedly, Obama has acknowledged this fact. However, it is unclear how much fiscal involvement might be involved. For instance, currently Kansas does not consider dyslexia a learning disability (or at least it is not covered by their state special education). Another example in the US is that dysgraphia is not recognized, as I have mentioned before. With the increased expense of social workers who monitor and take families to court "in the best interest of the child" to insist that they be returned to school, the funding for education is not going to be enhanced. The list of problems addressed by our government, if history is an indicator, are likely to decrease, rather than increase. Also, I have yet to see any proof that the US will not be required to send money to other countries in order to have this educational change implemented similarly throughout the UN countries. I have seen indication that it will increase expenses to the US related to education, but not any enhancement in education of US citizens. It also give the UN and unprecedented amount of power within the US. The expense part of it affects every American, and our education system as a whole. The fact that parents of children with disabilities who are using the public education are against it, in general, nullifies the argument that it will serve people and families with disabilities, in my opinion. The vote is imminent. What can you do? Learn more. I am biased, as our daughter could be labeled and targeted, and possibly required to return to school "in her best interests" even though she is many grade levels ahead of her age. If you read my previous posts, you'll see how damaging that would be to her - how damaging school attendance was for her in first grade. You can sign an online petition - there are online petitions both against and to ratify the change, so you can act either way. There are many blogs and group references to the effort, so you can compare different accounts in an attempt to get an unbiased picture. You can e-mail and/or call your senators. I am concerned. People including Dr Ruf who I've mentioned in this Blog have gone to a lot of trouble to make sure that homeschooling is a legal option in all 50 states. She did not hear about this effort ahead of time, either, but is taking action and continuing as an advocate for educational choice. While I am admittedly bitter that the government doesn't provide for my child, I certainly don't want my decision to find an option that works for her taken away. Please look into this & weigh in if you feel so inclined.