Parents in denial, shock and laughter

There is a lovely woman who I am honored to call a friend. She is married to a real-life, easy-t-recognize genius. They have a preschool-aged son. I have been telling my (also brilliant) friend that their son is gifted, and that it's hereditary. At first, it was denial that anyone except her husband was gifted. At least she didn't try to deny that one. Our mutual teasing has gone on as long as I have known her. I just kept insisting that their son is gifted. Of course, being someone who can handle me, she blew it off. Yes, I did just admit that's sometimes what it takes to deal with me. Moving on. Today, I got an awesome, short text from her, essentially saying, "I concede. He is gifted." Just to put another feather in the its-not-hereditary camp hat, I replied with, "Duh!!!!!" Enter the laughter. She sent me more details ending with, "oh dear." It made long Christmastime lines at the post office quite entertaining, as I pictured my friend with Piglet's voice and stutter ;). I think the bottom line is that most parents adore their children and believe them to be the most amazing children on the planet. At the same time, we know we're partial to our children, so we doubt our own opinions. Or, perhaps it is hereditary and we simply don't recognize it as anything unusual. I must admit it is far more relaxing to joke around with my friend and anticipate her younger child going through all of this than it was to realize it in my own child. We will laugh together and share stories through both families' adventures, I hope. I cherish the vulnerability of other families sharing their experiences with us. If things on this blog resonate with you. . . or even if they don't, you are not alone. Wishing you a holiday season rich and warm with loving community.

What does giftedness look like?

I've gotten more than the usual number of people recently telling me that they don't think their child is gifted. The reasons are plentiful. Some say that they are struggling with everything. I knew a girl whose first grade teacher said she was falling behind. In a year or so, she was doing seventh grade math. My daughter is reduced to tears from math, but is years ahead in other subjects. Some say their child doesn't get high grades or scores. That describes my daughter, yet she is highly gifted; Albert Einstein flunked out of school, yet I don't think that's why his name has become a synonym for genius. Some parents tell me that their kids are behind in developmental ways. I still cannot throw or catch as well as the average gradeschool child, yet I have a gradeschool child. Some parents tell me their child is immature. Well, they are children, and let's face it, we all know adults that are immature. What does giftedness look like? It looks like a beautiful impressionistic painting made up of smaller, different pictures, just like most other things. Recently, in our house giftedness has been contained within someone who upon being asked to let the dogs out and (separately) told where her goggles were, did not hear me. The second repetition regarding the dogs, led to her going the wrong direction, putting on her shoes and simply standing there waiting. With the goggles, it led to her telling me that, "no, that's my towel mom." Funny, I thought I knew what goggles looked like. The third repetition, she let the dogs out, but not without some sitcom-worthy physical humor included. With the goggles, it was, "oh, I thought you were pointing to my towel." I responded, "I listened to the words and pointed to your goggles" without too much tone, and managed to postpone rolling my eyes until after she had turned around. I'm fairly certain none of the examples from today would show up in a short checklist of what indicates giftedness in a child. She is still gifted. Labels are supposed to clarify, yet they are very difficult to accurately define. Merry Christmas a little early :)

CRPD - will the UN govern educational decisions in the US?

There is an upcoming vote in the US Senate about a UN Convention for the Rights of People with Disabilities on December 4th. It affects homeschoolers and parents of kids with disabilities, as well as the population as a whole, but has been remarkably unknown. I'll do my best to summarize, and you can find ample information on the web if you feel inclined. The UN would be able to regulate what is considered necessary for the education of people with disabilities. However, disabilities is not defined, so this could mean children who are very young and have a mild (and possibly temporary) speech impediment. It has the potential to negate parents' rights to homeschool, or make educational decisions for their children, and moves that to the UN. Part of my issue with that is the obvious infraction of freedom granted in the US constitution. Part of my issue with it is that the UN is not an elected group, so we have no say in the individuals making the decisions. They are also quite removed from our immediate viscinity and unlikely to fully comprehend what is necessary in individual cases. The US is widely acknowledged to have the most extensive support offered to people with disabilities, so it is unlikely to enhance the programs offered here. Reportedly, Obama has acknowledged this fact. However, it is unclear how much fiscal involvement might be involved. For instance, currently Kansas does not consider dyslexia a learning disability (or at least it is not covered by their state special education). Another example in the US is that dysgraphia is not recognized, as I have mentioned before. With the increased expense of social workers who monitor and take families to court "in the best interest of the child" to insist that they be returned to school, the funding for education is not going to be enhanced. The list of problems addressed by our government, if history is an indicator, are likely to decrease, rather than increase. Also, I have yet to see any proof that the US will not be required to send money to other countries in order to have this educational change implemented similarly throughout the UN countries. I have seen indication that it will increase expenses to the US related to education, but not any enhancement in education of US citizens. It also give the UN and unprecedented amount of power within the US. The expense part of it affects every American, and our education system as a whole. The fact that parents of children with disabilities who are using the public education are against it, in general, nullifies the argument that it will serve people and families with disabilities, in my opinion. The vote is imminent. What can you do? Learn more. I am biased, as our daughter could be labeled and targeted, and possibly required to return to school "in her best interests" even though she is many grade levels ahead of her age. If you read my previous posts, you'll see how damaging that would be to her - how damaging school attendance was for her in first grade. You can sign an online petition - there are online petitions both against and to ratify the change, so you can act either way. There are many blogs and group references to the effort, so you can compare different accounts in an attempt to get an unbiased picture. You can e-mail and/or call your senators. I am concerned. People including Dr Ruf who I've mentioned in this Blog have gone to a lot of trouble to make sure that homeschooling is a legal option in all 50 states. She did not hear about this effort ahead of time, either, but is taking action and continuing as an advocate for educational choice. While I am admittedly bitter that the government doesn't provide for my child, I certainly don't want my decision to find an option that works for her taken away. Please look into this & weigh in if you feel so inclined.

False Assumptions vs Acceptance

The Gifted Kids' Survival Guide is a book that has been recommended to us several times, and we finally got a copy of it to M. She is loving it!!!! It has excited her about her own "special population" and helps her understand the biological differences, as well as references to a whole bunch of examples of people throughout history. It is written in more than one format, depending upon the age range of the child, and we highly recommend it. Reading that led to a discussion about social perceptions of giftedness and false assumptions by some that we view ourselves as more important than (or better than) other people, rather than different. I'm sure it is true of some of the population, and I believe the same egotistical belief is true of those outside of this particular group. We talked about how personality plays into the role that giftedness can have on a life, and how there is more than one right answer about how to approach life with giftedness, just as there is more than one right way without that particular consideration, in my opinion, at least. We talked for more than an hour conceptually about it, and it was a very rational, calm discussion from both ends. On my own, it reminded me of other conversations I have had recently with some close, trusted friends. The topic in that case was false assumptions based on financial status, whether perceived or real. Interestingly, the people who relate most closely to my experience with this come from the opposite end of the spectrum (please giggle - I don't like that phrase in general, so I HAD to apply it here) financially. All of us were unfairly judged in multiple ways by the financial situation we appeared to live in. Three women who I value as highly as anyone are all in different generations of life, and all have different living situations currently. Yet, all three of them share this experience with me, to one degree or another. The commonality we all share is that we were not accepted for who we are. We were judged by perception and stereotype, and it made us feel left out. The sad fact of the matter is that some of those stereotypes are there for a reason, however weak or strong the correlation. The exceptions to the stereotype end up feeling isolated because of their divergence from the stereotype as well as the fact that they are misunderstood and feel unknown, which I believe translates to loneliness. I think this relates directly to giftedness. I believe it is far more common than it is believed to be. I also believe there are many people within the population that diverge from the stereotypes and want, more than anything, to be seen as similar to everyone else. I think this is why I grieved so much when we first learned of the situation within our daughter's brain. I still have a hard time even thinking about my ultimate goal for her without crying, "that she would be normal and happy." Well, she is happy, even about the ways she is not strictly "normal." Back to the 3 amazing women I referenced. The one least seen by society as being an asset to me possesses the most of what I would like to be in the areas where I struggle the most. She is amazing, and I am so blessed to know her. Her life is not touched by giftedness, and yet our concerns and approach to parenting is so similar that we talk about our children openly and effectively all the time. Of the other two, there is the ability to relate to giftedness and the focus on what is so often mislabeled as "the other end of the spectrum." Yet, we all share the experience of having been misunderstood, of being interested in seeing each other as we are (and loving it), and of knowing what it is like to have been misjudged inappropriately in a similar manner, even if from opposite ends. Interesting, isn't it? Don't we all want to feel understood, accepted, wanted and valued? It amazes me how often people who feel undervalued are creating those same feelings in the ones they think are undervaluing them, whether or not there is any reason for the awkwardness to be there . . . Wishing you a holiday season surrounded by people who are interested in you for whatever you are, and hoping you will be someone to appreciate and look for who the people around you really are.

a work visit with Daddy

Recently, M visited my husband's office with him. He doesn't work particularly close to home, so our interaction with that group is more limited than some. With as much as I am immersed in our a-typical child situation, I believe his angle on it is not easy, either. As his coworkers, mostly women, talk about their children, they are very in tune to developmental stage, typical curriculum, etc. Often, he stays quiet, even though he is not a quiet or shy man. When he is asked about our daughter, he answers them, but has told me that he goes through the same questions about what and how much to share. Without being in the middle of it, the situation and world with kids like these is difficult to understand and easy to misinterpret.

 During their visit, M started talking and my husband reported that there was a suddenly a circle of 8 people surrounding them, "because what 8 year old talks like that?" in his words. One of his coworkers is more involved in our lives than others, and has had a more similar background, as well as more involvement with M. The same night, I got a text from that woman saying, M "at work was the highlight of everyone's day. I was honestly blown away at how amazingly she conducts herself with a whole group of adults. . ." It's so nice to get genuine feedback that is positive from someone who has no agenda. I am so glad that there are wonderful people working with my husband. I'm also glad he was able to give them a glimpse of our amazing girl, in his own way - without pretense.

More recently, kids came up in a team meeting, and M was included in the discussion.  The term "genius" was thrown out there, which made my husband squirm.  Before he could  formulate an appropriate response, he was cut off with "no 8yo goes around saying ______" - they used one of her most common phrases here. It was not intended as anything but neutral and matter-of-fact.  It can still be uncomfortable.  I am still thrilled to have visited with M and to see so many broad smiles as people flock to talk to her when we arrive.  It's nice to be welcome.

Misconceptions of Giftedness

Yesterday, my family attended the MCGT (MN Council for Gifted and Talented) conference. It was our first of the annual conferences, and I highly recommend it. First of all, MCGT is very inclusive - no IQ test required, just join if you feel you and/or your child fit. There are a wide variety of people included: homeschoolers, traditional/public schoolers, competitives, casual members who have fun with it, etc. I have a few impressions that were big ones for me this year. [we'll see if Google will let me format correctly for once]: There is cultural misunderstanding around giftedness, and it is a distinction between "better at" and "better than" according to the keynote speaker, Dr James R Delisle. I agree with him. I am criticized and ostricize by the assumption that we feel there is a "better than" situation in our family. For most giftedness families I have met, this is FAR from the truth. In fact, before M's assessment and before joining any of the advocacy groups, I adamantly told her that she had BETTER not EVER get the idea that she was more important than anyone else. Are there ugly people in giftedness circles? Of course!! Can you name a group or category that doesn't have ugly people? I cannot. Often people ask me what giftedness is. I am still learning, and before M's assessment less than a year ago, I worked with highly gifted students for many years. I cannot give a brief description that will be accurate, let alone exhaustive. However, Annemarie Roeper did the best job of it I've seen yet. "Giftedness is a greater awareness, a greater sensitivity, and a greater ability to understand and transform perceptions into intellectual and emotional experiences." If this sounds like hypersensitivity to you, then you understand it like I do, and it's accurate, from my experience. I got to see Deb Ruf, author of 5 levels of gifted & local advocate and consultant on giftedness as well as teh mother of 3 adult men who are highly gifted. One of them is the boy from What about Bob :) I love chatting with her and she has helped us immensely. I got to listen to Teresa Boatman, another of our local advocate and consultant, who does a lot of work with Gifted kids and Twice Exceptional children. She spoke on intensities, which I have heard before and longed to hear again. I am not the only person who is consistently irritated with the people who regularly respond to our situation with things that boil down to "that's all good," or "that must be easy" - not so much. Yes, there are highlights, as there are with all children. There are also struggles, as there are with all children. Some of the challenges with giftedness include extreme anxiety, depression (up to and including Kindergartners who wish they were dead), loneliness, perfectionism, etc. Twice Exceptional children are highly gifted AND challenged with learning diability/ies. I often get told that someone is dealing with "the other end of the spectrum," which is not accurate. An obvious concept that floored me yesterday is the fact that sports and the arts are level-differentiated without controversy all the time within the schools. You have to try out for the varsity teams. You have to audition for parts in theater and chairs on competition musical groups. There is good reason for it. We don't want to keep those kids motivated and/or talented in those areas from stretching themselves and practicing at a higher level. What we don't understand is why it is seen as irrational to apply the same concepts to educational subjects, like science and math. If you are in a school district that does offer some differentiation, be thankful and protect it. There are schools in affluent areas of MN that are administratively opposed to it, and even principals that tell parents that "it's just a cop out." I disagree. There was much discussion yesterday about the school system, and I think most people misunderstand our approach to this. We are extremely PRO-teacher. Yes, we homeschool, but only after trying and failing to make traditional school work with the help of FABULOUS professionals within the schools. I admire and respect and am thankful for teachers, and other education professionals. The system that they have to work within right now, not so much. A free ebook recommended yesterday is "A Nation Deceived: How Schools Hold Back America's Brightest Students" which is available for free download in many languages. The title is purposely provocative, and it is available free of charge in the hopes that many will read it and think about the situation and concepts within the book. I love people. I love smart people. I love people who are less intelligent. Everyone has value, and I learn from people of all backgrounds, ages, etc. You may disagree with me, and I can respect you. Please be respectful in your replies, and I will respect you whether or not I agree with you. Wishing you and all children an environment where they can thrive and love learning!

Rule Kids

This week, a couple of girls from our homeschool coop had been talking about going to a park after classes. M asked me if we could join them. She asked the girls, very politely, if she could join them. Then, we followed a van around a less-familiar part of town to the park. There are several sections to this park. There is a pool that we did not use, a big, open room with wheeled toys and a giant bouncer, and a climbing area. The biggest drama was around rules. We used to joke that M could be left with her buddy G all day with only 3 rules and they would never break one of them and be perfectly safe without supervision. Of course, we never did that, but you get the idea. I also took G with us to an indoor park, where he read all the rules aloud (in Kindergarten) and was distraught when kids we'd never met before weren't following all of them. I finally calmed him down by explaining that there were other adults that were responsible for those kids, and that it would be inappropriate for me to interfere with those children. He relented, then accidentally ran (no running allowed, of course), apologized and continued to walk quickly . . . luckily, I was out of earshot as I laughed! The first drama this week was watching the kids read every one of the rules, make sure they qualified to use whatever they were currently reading about, then letting loose. There was some concern about where to leave shoes, etc. It reached a head when there was some girl drama, which starts alarmingly young, over M trying to say that she didn't want to go in an area because her younger and taller friend was too tall to go in there. What she meant was that she wanted to play with B, so she was leaving that area. B heard that M didn't want to play with her because she was breaking rules. Ah, the laughter with rule kids. After the mothers figured out what was really being said, M apologized for the miscommunication and the three girls were in loud fits of happiness once again. Do you have a rule kid? What's your favorite evidence of it? It left me smiling for hours that all three of these girls from different families all had that trait. I wonder if it's a personality component that drew them to each other, or if it's some other correlation . . . any theories?