Misconceptions of Giftedness

Yesterday, my family attended the MCGT (MN Council for Gifted and Talented) conference. It was our first of the annual conferences, and I highly recommend it. First of all, MCGT is very inclusive - no IQ test required, just join if you feel you and/or your child fit. There are a wide variety of people included: homeschoolers, traditional/public schoolers, competitives, casual members who have fun with it, etc. I have a few impressions that were big ones for me this year. [we'll see if Google will let me format correctly for once]: There is cultural misunderstanding around giftedness, and it is a distinction between "better at" and "better than" according to the keynote speaker, Dr James R Delisle. I agree with him. I am criticized and ostricize by the assumption that we feel there is a "better than" situation in our family. For most giftedness families I have met, this is FAR from the truth. In fact, before M's assessment and before joining any of the advocacy groups, I adamantly told her that she had BETTER not EVER get the idea that she was more important than anyone else. Are there ugly people in giftedness circles? Of course!! Can you name a group or category that doesn't have ugly people? I cannot. Often people ask me what giftedness is. I am still learning, and before M's assessment less than a year ago, I worked with highly gifted students for many years. I cannot give a brief description that will be accurate, let alone exhaustive. However, Annemarie Roeper did the best job of it I've seen yet. "Giftedness is a greater awareness, a greater sensitivity, and a greater ability to understand and transform perceptions into intellectual and emotional experiences." If this sounds like hypersensitivity to you, then you understand it like I do, and it's accurate, from my experience. I got to see Deb Ruf, author of 5 levels of gifted & local advocate and consultant on giftedness as well as teh mother of 3 adult men who are highly gifted. One of them is the boy from What about Bob :) I love chatting with her and she has helped us immensely. I got to listen to Teresa Boatman, another of our local advocate and consultant, who does a lot of work with Gifted kids and Twice Exceptional children. She spoke on intensities, which I have heard before and longed to hear again. I am not the only person who is consistently irritated with the people who regularly respond to our situation with things that boil down to "that's all good," or "that must be easy" - not so much. Yes, there are highlights, as there are with all children. There are also struggles, as there are with all children. Some of the challenges with giftedness include extreme anxiety, depression (up to and including Kindergartners who wish they were dead), loneliness, perfectionism, etc. Twice Exceptional children are highly gifted AND challenged with learning diability/ies. I often get told that someone is dealing with "the other end of the spectrum," which is not accurate. An obvious concept that floored me yesterday is the fact that sports and the arts are level-differentiated without controversy all the time within the schools. You have to try out for the varsity teams. You have to audition for parts in theater and chairs on competition musical groups. There is good reason for it. We don't want to keep those kids motivated and/or talented in those areas from stretching themselves and practicing at a higher level. What we don't understand is why it is seen as irrational to apply the same concepts to educational subjects, like science and math. If you are in a school district that does offer some differentiation, be thankful and protect it. There are schools in affluent areas of MN that are administratively opposed to it, and even principals that tell parents that "it's just a cop out." I disagree. There was much discussion yesterday about the school system, and I think most people misunderstand our approach to this. We are extremely PRO-teacher. Yes, we homeschool, but only after trying and failing to make traditional school work with the help of FABULOUS professionals within the schools. I admire and respect and am thankful for teachers, and other education professionals. The system that they have to work within right now, not so much. A free ebook recommended yesterday is "A Nation Deceived: How Schools Hold Back America's Brightest Students" which is available for free download in many languages. The title is purposely provocative, and it is available free of charge in the hopes that many will read it and think about the situation and concepts within the book. I love people. I love smart people. I love people who are less intelligent. Everyone has value, and I learn from people of all backgrounds, ages, etc. You may disagree with me, and I can respect you. Please be respectful in your replies, and I will respect you whether or not I agree with you. Wishing you and all children an environment where they can thrive and love learning!

Rule Kids

This week, a couple of girls from our homeschool coop had been talking about going to a park after classes. M asked me if we could join them. She asked the girls, very politely, if she could join them. Then, we followed a van around a less-familiar part of town to the park. There are several sections to this park. There is a pool that we did not use, a big, open room with wheeled toys and a giant bouncer, and a climbing area. The biggest drama was around rules. We used to joke that M could be left with her buddy G all day with only 3 rules and they would never break one of them and be perfectly safe without supervision. Of course, we never did that, but you get the idea. I also took G with us to an indoor park, where he read all the rules aloud (in Kindergarten) and was distraught when kids we'd never met before weren't following all of them. I finally calmed him down by explaining that there were other adults that were responsible for those kids, and that it would be inappropriate for me to interfere with those children. He relented, then accidentally ran (no running allowed, of course), apologized and continued to walk quickly . . . luckily, I was out of earshot as I laughed! The first drama this week was watching the kids read every one of the rules, make sure they qualified to use whatever they were currently reading about, then letting loose. There was some concern about where to leave shoes, etc. It reached a head when there was some girl drama, which starts alarmingly young, over M trying to say that she didn't want to go in an area because her younger and taller friend was too tall to go in there. What she meant was that she wanted to play with B, so she was leaving that area. B heard that M didn't want to play with her because she was breaking rules. Ah, the laughter with rule kids. After the mothers figured out what was really being said, M apologized for the miscommunication and the three girls were in loud fits of happiness once again. Do you have a rule kid? What's your favorite evidence of it? It left me smiling for hours that all three of these girls from different families all had that trait. I wonder if it's a personality component that drew them to each other, or if it's some other correlation . . . any theories?

Anniversary month

My husband reminded me several times lately that this is our anniversary month for the topic of this blog. This is the month where the decreasing sunlight seemed to correspond directly with a degeneration in M's self-confidence and happiness . . . in her general ability to function. I wish I could say it reverted quickly, and compared with some situations it did. However, we had months of bewilderment, sleeplessness, tears all around, etc. As the darkness increases during this season, I think of Sting's song "Mercury Falling" which is literally about Fall - the fall in temperature as measured by a thermometer. It's a sad song, and I still believe I'm evolved from some form of plant; as the darkness increases, I somewhat wilt. This year has been different, though. M has changed so much, and we have been able to do more with greater amounts of joy and fewer disruptions in the routine of life than . . . . ever before, I think. It's such a relief! We are still tired, and this mom has definitely been taking the darkness as a sign that more naps are prescribed :) Wishing you rest and peace in this season, as well as hope for brighter seasons ahead. No matter where you are in the journey, I recommend cuddling on the couch and napping with your baby boy or girl.

Ratatouille

I was watching this on DVD with M the other day - it's one of my favorites lately. There's a scene where the older woman shoots a bunch of holes in her ceiling trying to get a rat in her house. She does so much structural damage that the ceiling crashes down with an entire colony of rats sitting in the middle of the fallen piece. At this point, I was expecting something expressing concern for the animals from M - she put on a show telling us all the reasons killing bugs was not good recently. However, she turned to me and said, "She must not have looked in her attic for a long time."

My soul is sick

I'm sorry for being so silent for a while. Our immediate family is doing well. The journey is not easy, and I'm gaining grey hair quickly, but M is happy and thriving. However, my soul feels sick. There are wonderful awareness events and and efforts for so many different challenges related to parenting and kids who are wired differently in many ways. Highly gifted kids are not included in much effort for awareness and effort. That was part of my goal in starting this blog. I found plenty of intellectual information, but almost nothing related to the emotional journey. This week, I was made aware of another parent who is struggling with the school systems for her highly gifted child. The results of the test that the school administered (chosen because of insurance coverage) was deemed inconclusive - the range of IQ was over 25 points across the categories, so it's considered a dud test. Since these kids are wired differently, they are often misidiagnose or mislabeled. This family is doing their best and saving up for a testing session with an administrator who is familiar with giftedness and the ways that it affects the testing process and results. They will not have better information soon. We were lucky. M got a great first test, and God helped us find a more direct path through earthly angels. Yes, we paid for it, and it was not cheap. The changes we have made as a result should make our financial lifestyle drastically altered, but it is not. God is faithful. I love His math. The other event that makes my soul feel sick right now is that I was told of an instance of inexcusable physical behavior between children at one of the main schools for kids like M in our area, and a popular choice because it is covered with federal funding. It's the second family with problematic experiences there that we've heard from directly. I wonder if there are others. It's seems unfair that these kids go through so much challenge and frustration in their education, then so many of them are finding a situation that is physically unsafe. The reactions of the staff seems woefully blase, at this point. There was follow-up, but the label put on it, "bullying" doesn't fit my definition of all that happened. Yes, there was bullying. In the opinion of the child and the family - and myself, the last straw went beyond bullying, into the category of abuse. Protecting our children can be so difficult. I understand that hard knocks can make solid lessons, but there are limits that have been crossed. We had planned on that school for M at some point. We are now back to "What next?" It doesn't change our immediate actions, but is disheartening on multiple levels. I believe God is good and faithful. I believe He has minimized the impact on the children, but I am still disheartened. Soul sick. Pray for these children and their families with me, please. An update: I spent time with the victim the day following the worst incident, and again a few days later. It was alarming to see the evidence of the encounter in the child's behavior early in the week. By the end of the week, I was pleased to see the person I remember from my other encounters with them. Joy had returned, and a previously loved school was begun the following week (they had only left for homeschooling, and not because of issues with that school). I pray that there will continue to be follow-up, both earthly and divine, within the school to protect the many other precious children there.

Learning vs Teaching vs Coordinating vs Facilitating

Homeschooling has so many stereotypes that go with it. What makes this so difficult for me is that everyone does it so differently, yet people outside of homeschooling circles seem to make widespread assumptions about it. I read a blog today that made a point of saying you cannot be homeschooling while you're on the phone (she had been homeschooling for 20 years) or on fb, etc. While I agree that some degree of hands-on teaching is necessary, I felt a twist in that concept. My daughter is learning how to learn. Our challenge isn't to get her to a certain level in most things, overall. She is ahead in everything, and I don't want her feeling pushed to grow up too quickly. Instead, she needs to gain confidence and flexibility in her learning. When I get involved to my elbows, I have a tendency to take over and almost do it for her, especially when frustrated. Others in our homeschool group have the same experiences. This year, I am using a curriculum - Biblioplan, and I love how flexible it is. We are using a very broad, thorough enhanced version of the curriculum, and it covers history, geography, art, literature, spirituality, politics and more. M is absolutley loving it. She cannot get enough. As the name indicates, it begins with the Bible. I ran into a stunned parent within our homeschool group when I told him that I "taught" creation, evolution and big bang theories. I don't understand the confusion. She knows what we believe, and she is very interested in science, so is constantly running into evolution references, etc. She needs to know the theories. We talk about what I don't know, and I tell her it is because "I wasn't there when the world began" or that "I don't believe I will every understand the mind of God" and similar things. She is beginning to be comfortable not knowing, and wondering. Perfectionism runs rampant with kids like her, so this is a key point of our approach, and I believe makes a bigger difference than many of the "core" concepts. When it comes to math, we sit down and do a couple of examples together, most of the time. For grammar, that occurs sometimes, but less and less often. She knows to ask me when she is confused, etc. Very rarely do I look at her work and ask for corrections - and even then, only when the general concept is wrong, rather than a few problems/examples. I do not believe that I am a delinquint homeschooler with this approach, which does allow me considerable time online. Facebook is one of my links to the outside world, and as homeschooling can be isolating and overwhelming, I find this to be a benefit, rather than a hindrance. We watched "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" the other day, as we are studying Egyptions along the Nile and the middle kingdom and the life of Joseph. M has been reading a lot about life in ancient Egypt, and as we watched, she told me that Joseph's cup (slipped into Benjamin's bag) should be silver "because silver was valued above gold in Ancient Egypt." I personally don't know if this is true, but believe her to retain most information correctly and it led to a great discussion. She felt empowered and confident that she had asked a question I had never considered. Then, Elvis-Ramses entered the scene & she laughed and said "I doubt it happened that way," sounding at least a decade beyond her tender years. I giggled with her. Bottom line for me is that there are many "right" ways to educate, since there are many different ways to learn and each child is different. It upsets me when people judge my decision, but I fight the temptation to retaliate when someone is shockingly rude. There are many right answers. We are not homeschooling because we believe that public schools are wrong. We are homeschooling because it is right for our daughter right now. We didn't choose this method because it is right for everyone. We chose it because it motivates and resonates with our daughter - it is right for her right now . . . Acceptance and Peace to you this week - I hope you are welcoming Fall with warm hearts!

Perceptions, presumption, precociousness and pretense

The start of a new school year - wow!! It's been tricky to get into a groove the last few weeks, but we're getting there. In the meantime, I'll admit I've been grumpy. While I was thrilled not to be doing the traditional very-specific back-to-school shopping list, there have been few places we go that the curiousness of our situation hasn't come up, due to the increase in questions about school. While M gets mistaken for being younger than she is, it is more obvious this year that our situation is non-traditional as people ask why she is not in school on a school day. I enjoyed the summer break more than I realized, apparently. More recently, I was in an environment heavily populated with people from my past. The circumstances for the situation were wonderful, and I'm glad we went. M was determined to go with me. I braced myself for LOTS of uncomfortable conversations with people unfamiliar with the last year of our lives. Interestingly, there were hardly any. Seriously, this is VERY rare for a day outside our home, even if we are among strangers. I found that many people either found her precosciousness adorable enough that they couldn't resist hugging a girl they didn't know. They didn't, however, ask for details about our lives. I got questions about where we lived, assessing the size and value of our homes (I presume, as their following comments compared other homes to our area in these ways). I got many speeches about what other people's kids my age were now doing (with as many references to high-pride jobs as possible, or statistics are wrong). Not one person asked what I am now doing. There were many questions about my connections to other people there (or in their circles). After almost an hour, I bumped into a girl I used to know - the older sister to a girl who had been in school with my daughter for years. She's a sweetie and started interacting with us. Her mother turned, and I asked about her other children. I got very short answers (which is very out of character), and she shuffled her daughter away, without one question about my daughter, who had been a playmate and schoolmate to her daughter for years. I wasn't as surprised as you might think, since it was consistent with the woman's personality. However, I was shocked at the coldness. I was able to keep M's attention away from it, fortunately. She misses her old friends. For months, we made attempts to reconnect with several of them. Only 1-2 followed up with us or made plans. This, I believe, is the part that is most difficult to figure out. My husband and I are seen as braggers if/when we talk about our daughter. I'd love to be able to be a proud parent without that perception. Celebrating milestones is perfectly normal, such as finishing gradeschool, among other things. However, since M is hitting milestones earlier, we're seen as proud in the sense of bragging, rather than in the sense of being appropriately appreciative and supportive of our daughter. This is one of the reasons I'm so excited to get back to our coop. I love that we can be around those people, express pleasure and express concern without the severe judgement that we encounter so often . . . It makes me sad, especially as I see so much in the media about being tolerant, appreciating and accepting differences, etc. I feel like our situation isn't included in the effort. At the risk of ruining my recently-earned reputation for being joyful, I bid you good night on that note. Hope your school year is off to a fabulous and fun start, no matter what your situation includes!!!