My soul is sick

I'm sorry for being so silent for a while. Our immediate family is doing well. The journey is not easy, and I'm gaining grey hair quickly, but M is happy and thriving. However, my soul feels sick. There are wonderful awareness events and and efforts for so many different challenges related to parenting and kids who are wired differently in many ways. Highly gifted kids are not included in much effort for awareness and effort. That was part of my goal in starting this blog. I found plenty of intellectual information, but almost nothing related to the emotional journey. This week, I was made aware of another parent who is struggling with the school systems for her highly gifted child. The results of the test that the school administered (chosen because of insurance coverage) was deemed inconclusive - the range of IQ was over 25 points across the categories, so it's considered a dud test. Since these kids are wired differently, they are often misidiagnose or mislabeled. This family is doing their best and saving up for a testing session with an administrator who is familiar with giftedness and the ways that it affects the testing process and results. They will not have better information soon. We were lucky. M got a great first test, and God helped us find a more direct path through earthly angels. Yes, we paid for it, and it was not cheap. The changes we have made as a result should make our financial lifestyle drastically altered, but it is not. God is faithful. I love His math. The other event that makes my soul feel sick right now is that I was told of an instance of inexcusable physical behavior between children at one of the main schools for kids like M in our area, and a popular choice because it is covered with federal funding. It's the second family with problematic experiences there that we've heard from directly. I wonder if there are others. It's seems unfair that these kids go through so much challenge and frustration in their education, then so many of them are finding a situation that is physically unsafe. The reactions of the staff seems woefully blase, at this point. There was follow-up, but the label put on it, "bullying" doesn't fit my definition of all that happened. Yes, there was bullying. In the opinion of the child and the family - and myself, the last straw went beyond bullying, into the category of abuse. Protecting our children can be so difficult. I understand that hard knocks can make solid lessons, but there are limits that have been crossed. We had planned on that school for M at some point. We are now back to "What next?" It doesn't change our immediate actions, but is disheartening on multiple levels. I believe God is good and faithful. I believe He has minimized the impact on the children, but I am still disheartened. Soul sick. Pray for these children and their families with me, please. An update: I spent time with the victim the day following the worst incident, and again a few days later. It was alarming to see the evidence of the encounter in the child's behavior early in the week. By the end of the week, I was pleased to see the person I remember from my other encounters with them. Joy had returned, and a previously loved school was begun the following week (they had only left for homeschooling, and not because of issues with that school). I pray that there will continue to be follow-up, both earthly and divine, within the school to protect the many other precious children there.

Learning vs Teaching vs Coordinating vs Facilitating

Homeschooling has so many stereotypes that go with it. What makes this so difficult for me is that everyone does it so differently, yet people outside of homeschooling circles seem to make widespread assumptions about it. I read a blog today that made a point of saying you cannot be homeschooling while you're on the phone (she had been homeschooling for 20 years) or on fb, etc. While I agree that some degree of hands-on teaching is necessary, I felt a twist in that concept. My daughter is learning how to learn. Our challenge isn't to get her to a certain level in most things, overall. She is ahead in everything, and I don't want her feeling pushed to grow up too quickly. Instead, she needs to gain confidence and flexibility in her learning. When I get involved to my elbows, I have a tendency to take over and almost do it for her, especially when frustrated. Others in our homeschool group have the same experiences. This year, I am using a curriculum - Biblioplan, and I love how flexible it is. We are using a very broad, thorough enhanced version of the curriculum, and it covers history, geography, art, literature, spirituality, politics and more. M is absolutley loving it. She cannot get enough. As the name indicates, it begins with the Bible. I ran into a stunned parent within our homeschool group when I told him that I "taught" creation, evolution and big bang theories. I don't understand the confusion. She knows what we believe, and she is very interested in science, so is constantly running into evolution references, etc. She needs to know the theories. We talk about what I don't know, and I tell her it is because "I wasn't there when the world began" or that "I don't believe I will every understand the mind of God" and similar things. She is beginning to be comfortable not knowing, and wondering. Perfectionism runs rampant with kids like her, so this is a key point of our approach, and I believe makes a bigger difference than many of the "core" concepts. When it comes to math, we sit down and do a couple of examples together, most of the time. For grammar, that occurs sometimes, but less and less often. She knows to ask me when she is confused, etc. Very rarely do I look at her work and ask for corrections - and even then, only when the general concept is wrong, rather than a few problems/examples. I do not believe that I am a delinquint homeschooler with this approach, which does allow me considerable time online. Facebook is one of my links to the outside world, and as homeschooling can be isolating and overwhelming, I find this to be a benefit, rather than a hindrance. We watched "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" the other day, as we are studying Egyptions along the Nile and the middle kingdom and the life of Joseph. M has been reading a lot about life in ancient Egypt, and as we watched, she told me that Joseph's cup (slipped into Benjamin's bag) should be silver "because silver was valued above gold in Ancient Egypt." I personally don't know if this is true, but believe her to retain most information correctly and it led to a great discussion. She felt empowered and confident that she had asked a question I had never considered. Then, Elvis-Ramses entered the scene & she laughed and said "I doubt it happened that way," sounding at least a decade beyond her tender years. I giggled with her. Bottom line for me is that there are many "right" ways to educate, since there are many different ways to learn and each child is different. It upsets me when people judge my decision, but I fight the temptation to retaliate when someone is shockingly rude. There are many right answers. We are not homeschooling because we believe that public schools are wrong. We are homeschooling because it is right for our daughter right now. We didn't choose this method because it is right for everyone. We chose it because it motivates and resonates with our daughter - it is right for her right now . . . Acceptance and Peace to you this week - I hope you are welcoming Fall with warm hearts!

Perceptions, presumption, precociousness and pretense

The start of a new school year - wow!! It's been tricky to get into a groove the last few weeks, but we're getting there. In the meantime, I'll admit I've been grumpy. While I was thrilled not to be doing the traditional very-specific back-to-school shopping list, there have been few places we go that the curiousness of our situation hasn't come up, due to the increase in questions about school. While M gets mistaken for being younger than she is, it is more obvious this year that our situation is non-traditional as people ask why she is not in school on a school day. I enjoyed the summer break more than I realized, apparently. More recently, I was in an environment heavily populated with people from my past. The circumstances for the situation were wonderful, and I'm glad we went. M was determined to go with me. I braced myself for LOTS of uncomfortable conversations with people unfamiliar with the last year of our lives. Interestingly, there were hardly any. Seriously, this is VERY rare for a day outside our home, even if we are among strangers. I found that many people either found her precosciousness adorable enough that they couldn't resist hugging a girl they didn't know. They didn't, however, ask for details about our lives. I got questions about where we lived, assessing the size and value of our homes (I presume, as their following comments compared other homes to our area in these ways). I got many speeches about what other people's kids my age were now doing (with as many references to high-pride jobs as possible, or statistics are wrong). Not one person asked what I am now doing. There were many questions about my connections to other people there (or in their circles). After almost an hour, I bumped into a girl I used to know - the older sister to a girl who had been in school with my daughter for years. She's a sweetie and started interacting with us. Her mother turned, and I asked about her other children. I got very short answers (which is very out of character), and she shuffled her daughter away, without one question about my daughter, who had been a playmate and schoolmate to her daughter for years. I wasn't as surprised as you might think, since it was consistent with the woman's personality. However, I was shocked at the coldness. I was able to keep M's attention away from it, fortunately. She misses her old friends. For months, we made attempts to reconnect with several of them. Only 1-2 followed up with us or made plans. This, I believe, is the part that is most difficult to figure out. My husband and I are seen as braggers if/when we talk about our daughter. I'd love to be able to be a proud parent without that perception. Celebrating milestones is perfectly normal, such as finishing gradeschool, among other things. However, since M is hitting milestones earlier, we're seen as proud in the sense of bragging, rather than in the sense of being appropriately appreciative and supportive of our daughter. This is one of the reasons I'm so excited to get back to our coop. I love that we can be around those people, express pleasure and express concern without the severe judgement that we encounter so often . . . It makes me sad, especially as I see so much in the media about being tolerant, appreciating and accepting differences, etc. I feel like our situation isn't included in the effort. At the risk of ruining my recently-earned reputation for being joyful, I bid you good night on that note. Hope your school year is off to a fabulous and fun start, no matter what your situation includes!!!

playdate prep/fitting in

This will be my last post today, as I'm finally getting a few ideas out there officially. We have been getting to know a new friend who lives close to us. I believe God put the 2 of us mothers together for a reason one day last Spring, and our kids are a lot alike. They are both highly gifted, very driven in science, not at all driven in math (except as it facilitates science), and they talk alike. For those of you who know us personally, you'll know what a big deal this is. Strangers stop me, giggling and comment on how adorable and precicious it is . . . most of the time. Then, there was the old man at a garage sale who didn't appreciate hearing that her snails were hermaphrodites (from her own mouth) . . . I digress. Last week I picked this boy up for an afternoon at our house, and as he has siblings, it was their first time interacting independently. M was SOOOOO excited. She thanked and hugged me repeatedly for setting it up. His mom was also excited and thanked me repeatedly. This is part of the sad stuff with gifted kids, but playdates are . . . pretty rare. To find a peer who has similar interests and interacts in a similar way is more difficult when you are statistically less common - it's simple logic, but emotional explosive for some of us. M said, "So this is kindof like a playdate?" I said, "No, it's exactly like a playdate." That brought a big grin. There are a few years between these kids, which is not much in gifted circles - we increase social circles by widening the age group, I think. Dr Ruf says that dividing children into peer groups by age makes as much sense as dividing them by height - both equally limited in which ways those kids will be peers. There have been many questions this summer posed to M about her age. Most people guess young. Very young. Even compared to how young she actually is. I have heard other parents and older kids in our homeschool coop talk about this insecurity related to their giftedness. One girl is studying Asian languages because she feels less insecure around cultures who tend to be genetically smaller - this from the 14-yr-old girl herself. M has her own version of it & I didn't realize until she was getting ready for her playdate. She got dressed very carefully, putting on a size 6X tank top with built-in shelf bra and denim capris with matching (rare, indeed) stitching on them. Her friend probably did not notice what she was wearing. The shelf bra's main purpose seems to be to wierd my husband out. However, just knowing that it's called a shelf bra makes her feel older and more mature. As her friend is older than she is, she wore clothes that made her feel older, and therefore more comfortable and equal. When he talked to me more than her upon first arriving at our house, she got jealous. She gets her patience from her mother and after 5-10 minutes, grabbed him by the wrist and literally dragged him away from me, asking him to play Wii with her. He has younger siblings, so is used to beign dragged around, and looked quite pleased at the attention. They spent hours playing Wii working as a team and it was so easy on me. More recently, she was with her younger cousins. She wore polka-dotted knit pants and a t-shirt that definitely look younger. Funny how she's already dressing to fit in. I guess it starts early for all of us females, huh?

Awkward principal encounter

We were at our local medical clinic for a normal appointment, and were surprised to run into the principal from M's previous school in the waiting area. We think the world of him, so in general, seeing him is not overly awkward. However, M started going on and on about everything she could think to tell him. Like I said, we think the world of him, and clearly she agrees. Then she says, "and Mom can't keep up with me, so when if I finish ___ grade early, we're going to quit homeschooling and unschool again." This is a partially correct quote. In order to fully understand, I must back up. The last grade she started and completed in 5 weeks, then I quit homeschooling her for the year. In the meantime, we have been unschooling. Basicly, this means teaching through everyday activities. Highly gifted children can't seem to get enough information to satisfy their appetite, so the concept is that you don't need to encourage them. Honestly, she has probably completed another grade in the 4 months that we have been unschooling. I laughed at her comment in front of the principal, and he looked curious. "Honey, we aren't going to stop at the end of ___ grade this year." This was out before I could process how much/little the principal knows, etc. Luckily, I didn't voice the next immediate thought, "the state wouldn't be pleased if I stopped schooling you before Halloween" . . . It felt like a long pause as I gathered my thoughts. M was uttering a disappointed and confused "oh" while the principal's eyebrows did a high jump. As M ran off to a different part of the waiting room, I quietly said, "I'm planning about 3 grades worth of material for this year. If she completes that early, I'm definitely quitting!" He agreed and expressed both surprised and excitement for us. Like I said, this is an awesome principal. Funny . . . that wasn't what I expected to happen on my way through the waiting room at the doctor's office . . .

state fair

The end of summer is drawing very near, which means state fair time around here. I was a both amused and uncomfortable when our daughter was invited to help run the booth for the state mensa group. Then again, I didn't know what that was 9 months ago, so maybe I shouldn't be so concerned. My husband saw the postcard and laughed, saying "Do they realize she's only 7?" Probably not, I'm guessing.

Summer Reading programs - rewards are hard?!

Around here, we like to take advantage of the summer reading programs. After all, it's essentially just free stuff we collect. M reads constantly anyway, so it's a matter of filling out a form and maybe doing a bit of coloring. Today, we turned one of those forms in to a local library. The librarian was very sweet and excited. She asked if it had been hard, or if all that reading had been done at the beginning of the summer. M seemed disinterested in the conversation. That persistent librarian asked what she had chosen to read. I could see a mental list of all the titles flashing through her head and M got completely overwhelmed, then said, "I don't remember." I said, "Lots of stuff. Tell her about one or two, at least." There was an awkward pause, then some awkward sentences about butterflies. The librarians eyes had been squinting in concentration, but widened steadily as the flow began. Pretty soon, the librarian and I had learned about a species of butterflies from an aread we vacationed this summer. At a national park M had insisted we visit, she bought a book on butterflies of the area (which she also told the librarian was the source of her information, as if she was reading a research paper). Apparently, there is a variety of butterflies that live their entire lives inside a wood-like enclosure, and even pupate (her word, not mine) inside of it. So, the caterpillar and butterfly live inside of this wooden shell-like structure for the life of the creature. Did I mention that she sounded much more professional delivering the information? I have translated it into terms that make sense to me. That convinced the librarian she had done the reading. Honestly, I never knew about any of that, since I cannot possibly hear about everything she reads. I'm OK with that. Moving on, part of the prize is a new book, and they have a cart full of choices. That sounds like the easy part, right?! Wrong! My girl is a non-fiction girl, and the only non-fiction is in level readers (think past board books, but before chapter books). They had a wide variety, but this was very hard. The sweet librarian offered to tell her about some of them, having recovered from her surprise, and asked what grade M would be in this Fall. While this is a much more logical and effective approach than asking age, or assuming you can tell by the look of a child, it doesn't work with M. She is reading multiple grade levels above her accelerated grade level, so M continue to get more and more frustrated. She looked shy, but as her mother, I saw a pressure-cooker reaching danger point. The librarian remained persistent and got creative, playing up the nature interest by finding novels that include a lot of nature, and simultaneously playing up the nonfiction end by finding historical novels that include quite a bit of accurate historical information. We ended up with a book about the Titanic. Probably not what you'd expect if you saw M on the street. Most of the time people guess she is between 4 and 6 somewhere. She's not, but that is only the start of the complicated individual that is my child. If this concept is intriguing/entertaining to you, check out the Mysterious Benedict Society books, and pay attention to the smallest member. They are a bit dark, but appropriate at younger ages than many more mainstream series. M enjoyed the first one, but didn't want to go through the others. I might have to, anyway. I thought they were fascinating and touching.