Thanksgiving - feeling conflicted

Most people and families have many traditions around the holidays.  I know our family always has.

As my girl was growing up, we would watch both of the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving specials, including the historical account that presented facts and dates and showed kids helping with the work as the people settled, and I felt like I'd succeeded in keeping it from being just turkey and football.

I no longer feel that I did enough.  I didn't think enough.  I didn't talk enough.  Or maybe I simply didn't start as early as I wish I had . . .  there remains time for change as long as I draw breath.

The idea of Thanksgiving is a beautiful one.  It's focused on gratitude in many circles, and people feel really empowered when they boycott businesses that make employees work on Thanksgiving, making it more materialistic.  That practice, while embracing our power to interact with companies and express our views still misses some critical parts of Thanksgiving, I'm afraid . . .

Our family has a tradition of the oldest generation putting on "programs" for most events and holidays.  While they are well-intentioned and generally thoughtfully done, I have had a hard time with some of them.  I had an idea that I really wanted to share with the family that I love very much.  Via phone call, I asked if this could be the approach to the program this year, really wanting to hear the many different approaches in the family and invite others to wonder with me.  I was refused.  I'll admit that offended me.  I dealt with my disappointment privately and with my husband, and I landed here to move forward with it.

I still want to invite others to wonder with me and/or share their wonderings.  This exercise really got me to put more thought into this season than I had in a long time.  So, I'm sharing this here, and asking for input from anyone interested in genuinely wondering with me.

Recently, I was thinking about Thanksgiving and not in a hot topic kind of way, but just wondering.  I can go pretty deeply into wondering.  When I thought about how different the European settlers were from myself (and that is my general genetic background), I realized that their way of life is as different from my own as the natives in the land at that time would have been . . . .  It got me to thinking.

At the time of the first Thanksgiving, there were no American citizens, so I thought of these groups as Europeans, meaning the settlers that were transplanting from Europe, and the Native people, meaning those whose ancestors were already living in this land when the Europeans arrived.

To set the scene in my head, I thought about their backgrounds:

Clothing - Natives using natural elements at hand, which often meant animal products from the food they hunted, and designing garments for functionality of lifestyle.  The Europeans were more concerned with modesty that aligned with their faith, and were used to more fabric being used and footwear that left very different markings on the ground.  The natives were focused on moving as silently as possible while hunting and avoiding rival trives, and the Europeans had come from an area with paved paths and roads, etc.  When they met, I wonder if the Europeans were scandalized by the native's fashions, or maybe even jealous of the realtive comfort compared to their own clothing.  I wonder if the natives were bewildered at the European fashions and if the women's skirts made noise as they walked from the length of the clothing and the style of the footwear.  Perhaps the different colors of cloths were fascinating and desireable in the eyes of some of the natives.  Maybe they seemed fancy, or frivolous, or even simply alien to each other.

Housing - the Natives often lived in tents made from hides which were easy to transport, great for camoflage, and minimalist in nature.  The Europeans, while feeling very rustic compared to European cities, were building log cabins, which are permanently set.  Both groups lived in close proximity for collaboration and protection purposes, so they had this in common.  I wonder if it would have seemed like a commonality to the people at the time . . .

Hunting - Natives tended to move quietly and get close to prey, using spears and arrows as weapons for huting for food.  The European traditions often involved riding on horseback, using dogs to scare out the hunt, and firing with guns to hunt.  The approaches were so different for such a similar goal.

I wonder if the Europeans were afraid of the Native because of their ability to move so quietly.  It may have seemed sneaky compared to the customs they were used to.

I wonder if the Natives complained about the noisy neighbors to put a modern parallel to it.  Were they concerned about the permanence of the structures they were building?  Did they feel threatened, or fascinated or both?

Mothers and fathers in both groups, as well as younger people probably thought about the potential of intermarriage between the groups to some extent.  And most people have some native American genes if they are caucasian and living in North America, so there definitely was some joining of cultures.  I wonder if the younger people felt differently about it than the older generations?  I wonder if the different appearances were found to be attractive to some and unattractive to others - in both groups.

The reality before the events that were celebrated at the first Thanksgiving is this.  The Europeans were dying out.  Sickness and an inability to thrive in the new land combined for a bleak outlook.

Given that harsh reality, I'm sure there was dissention in both groups.  I wonder if some Natives felt that they shoudl let things be.  Some other cliches for this might be, survival of the fittest, let evolution decide, leave it to fate, let nature take its course, etc.  I wonder if some Europeans felt they should abandond some of their customs in order to better adapt to the land and increase their chances of survival?  They had a lot of time to watch, notice and think before decisions were made by both groups.

When the coordinator between groups began, I wonder how he felt.  Was he excited to practice his language skills?  Was he proud to be chosen?  Was he frightened or excited (or both) about teaching these people survival skills?  Was he concerned about his status among the Natives?  Did some honor him for his abilities?  Did some scorn him for helping the newcomers?  Were some Natives afraid he would spread the sickness threateninng the Europeans to the Native groups, and become a carrier of infection?  Did he feel like a part of one group, or both groups, or neither with this new role?

These questions are not addressed in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving specials.  Perhaps noone living today knows anymore.

Here's where it gets less unbiased for me.  If that offends you, feel free to walk away & just stick with wondering about the questions already stated:

Before the first Thanksgiving, the Natives held the power.  They were the long-term residents in the area.  They knew how to live in the land, how to navigate it and how to keep their line going for future generations.  The Europeans were dying out. 

The Natives (or at least some of them) decided to help the Europeans.  Because of this, the Europeans survived.  They didn't just leave bags of corn by their dwellings, either.  They taught them farming and hunting techniques for long-term success in their new land, giving them tools to survive and thrive through future generations.

At the Thanksgiving Feast, I wonder if there was staring and then awkwardness as these groups were interacting more closely than before.  I wonder how interactions went when you consider the stoicism valued by the Natives, and I wonder if there were more cracks in it during this unique occasion.   I wonder if the Europeans were nervously laughing, if they held back in emotion, or if they were so grateful as to show more emotion than usual . . . . I'm sure there was a great deal of curiosity in both groups.

So this Thanksgiving, I invite you to think about it with fresh eyes and wonder what might have been.  What if the Natives had refused to help the Europeans seeking religious refuge?  I believe they would have died, and that includes some of my genetic ancestry.

Religiously speaking, my beliefs are categorized with that of the settlers.  I am a Christian believer, but that can mean many things, as we've seen over the last few years.  For me, the message "Do you love me, Peter?  Feed my sheep" being repeated is what goes through my mind as I think about Thanksgiving.  Who chose to behave according to Christian morals in this story?  It was the natives, who were sometimes called savages.  Or maybe it was all of the people in the story.  There is much we do not know.

They fed the settlers and taught them to provide for themselves.  I believe Christ would have chosen that, or maybe He did and was there.  I'm prepared to have many surprises when I get to speak to Him face to face.  Maybe that will be one of them.

I am glad that there was a celebratory feast, showing gratitude at that time.  It shows a friendship and humbleness.  I still love the idea of giving Thanks and focusing on gratitude during this season.

This year, however, the story is quite soured for me.  I realize that the dramatic changes since the first Thanksgiving haven't all happened in the last year, but they have hit me harder in the last year.  What have my ancestors done in the meantime?  What have people who I share a label or description with done recently and/or over the long run since that first Thanksgiving?

I know many individuals who are amazing, wonderful people.  I will NOT discount them.  I know many who care for the unfortunate, or the least & the lost to use the Christian phrase for it.  Some of those people consider themselves atheists, or Hindu or Buddhist or some other faith group.  In recent years, I've found that I relate most closely to those who choose kindness and love first.  This is supported by my faith through Scripture, even tho it may lead me toward some who do not share my faith and away from those who do share my faith, officially, at least.

I do not hate people.  There are ideas that I hate, however, and practises . . .  And those that are focused on hate or produce hate are pretty much the definition of what I hate.  So, apparently it exponentially increases the hate.  I don't want to focus on that.  I want to focus on love and kindness and trying to be the best person I can be.

So, this year, along with our Thanksgiving traditions, my immediate family has discussed this change in my perspective and feelings.  There is no disagreement between us.  It saddens us.  Among those at our larger traditional celebration will be those who feel quite differently from us.  I still love my family, but I will not cheer for them or get ugly in response to anything I see as hateful.  I will try to be logical, to stick to my beliefs and to respond appropriately when and if that presents itself. 

I am grateful to my family, all but one legal family member that I claim as family has chosen to accept me as family, not had me as family because of a birth.  And I have seen broken families that meant healthy change overall.  It isn't simple. 

However, right now, the most poisonous thing in our culture is division - at least in my mind.  There are so many things trying to divide people and groups, and worse . . . succeeding.  Politics can be hot topics, but I KNOW I can disagree with people about religion and still love them like crazy and have that be mutual.  I choose to believe that can happen about politics as well.  Isn't there a cliche about those things going together?  I have seen less acceptance of political differences than religious ones recently, and that saddens me, too.  We are stronger together.  That is both a Scriptural and a philosophical idea generally accepted in the world today. 

Join me as I try to be grateful and humble, even (or especially) in disagreements.  May your Thanksgiving be saturated with kindness and love both within and without.

Panic Attacks when things go smoothly & normally

Hello again & I hope that you are having a fabulous Fall as Spring registrations and planning begins many places!  I was just finalizing the last of my girl's Spring classes today and had a total panic attack.  It went smoothly.

I am laughing at myself as I type, and it didn't last too long, but it made me realize something else that people like me have in common, and that the average population is opposite.

If you're signing up for classes or activities, most people probably expect for things to go smoothly and quickly.  As a former operations management person, I definitely designed and ironed out systems to provide that smooth sailing kind of experience for managers, clients and workers relate to my various positions.

Today, I had 2 final classes to register M for.  I knew about how much they would cost, how the payment method works, since we've been going to this source for several years, and exactly which ones to sign up for, since they are continuations from the current semester.  I logged in, did a quick search, signed up & paid online.  It was fast, and there was no pause or error notice or warning.

That made me panic.

Whether you're here because you are part of the neuro-atypical or atypical learner community or because you are curious about the differences, I hope this makes you laugh. 

Should I send an e-mail to confirm that it actually worked correctly?  The directors are extremely overworked right now and probably wouldn't appreciate extra anything, even though they would be compassionate and polite.  No, I will not send an e-mail to check.

I pulled up the registration details in 3 places and on 3 different pages, tho.  Excessive?  OCD?  Perhaps. 

Here's the thing.  It was literally the first time I was able to simply sign up and pay.  Nothing more.

Remember me mentioning that we've been using this resource for years?  Are they disorganized or technically challenged you may be asking?  Nope.  They are quite organized.  They make mistakes like humans do, but with a surprisingly small percentage of their activities needing adjustment.

Their system operates simply by birth date.  So if the grade range for a class is where M actually is determined to be by our city (and different than I requested or the law originally determined), she is deemed too young for those classes.  Take into account that her science information is accelerated more than any other subject, and I definitely have needed age exceptions.  She doesn't like math, but is moving quickly through it because she loves science enough to make that effort.

So, for years, every registration opening date, here's the process I'm used to:
1. Log into the site, and pull up the class information.
2. Confirm which class and section we're interested in over the phone with a delightful woman who is very busy that day.
3. Log out of the system and feel guilty about taking up her time on one of her busiest days while the system adjusts.
4. Log back in, and pull up the class again to register and pay.
??? Sometimes repeat previous steps because the system decides she's still too young.
5. Wait patiently on the phone still feeling guilty as the nice lady restores the settings for the class.
6.  Repeat all steps for each additional class.

It feels like this - also appropriate for this season - read to the end if you don't see the connection.

This is why a smooth & quick registration caused panic attacks today.  I'm sure there are IT people out there who have an idea about how they'd do it differently, and I respect that.  However, this is not the only resource where I have had this experience repeatedly. 

Our educational systems are not set up to allow age exceptions, so that they don't have parents signing their children up for classes that are inappropriate for their kids.  And as the registration coordinator for a coop I saw evidence of why this is needed more often than I expected to.  It's a valid concern.

For today, I trying to feel grateful that everything went so quickly & smoothly.  To be fair, there is a paranoid voice in my mind even after checking for confirmation emails, which I did get.  Did it really work?!  Am I actually awake, or is this a dream?

To anyone trying to relate to this special population, thank you!!!!!

To all those living through this stuff with me, I get it.  Let's keep laughing, hoping for the best & only worry when our laughter starts to sound maniacal, lol.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!  Now go watch Snoopy battle the chair in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special because that is more of a parallel to how I expected registration to go!

Gifted/Neuroatypical/Special needs teens are still teens - What do I do now?!

I've been noticing changes in my teenager, and it is "normal stuff" for her age.

Here's the deal.  She's rarely been "normal" in most areas, so this is kind of freaking me out!!  It's another huge adjustment.  All parents have them.  I know that.  It still caught me off guard.

For the last six or seven years, we've been figuring out the different diagnoses and mind wiring differences for this extraordinary person.  One of the things I admire about her is her openness.  Those of you who know me personally, I'm open to a fault, and my husband can be, as well.  Maybe that shouldn't surprise me that she has been, but I didn't expect a child to be so self-assured.  She's just been OK with who she was.

More than that, she has been just fine with other people being just how they are.  I had my first fake heart attack with her when a child in a wheelchair was waiting for his sister in M's preschool class as I was waiting beside his mother.  He was on the floor, clearly had Spina Bifida, and was a happy child doing tummy time on the floor.  When M came out of the classroom, she said "that looks like fun!" and plopped down onto the floor on her belly & acted like an otter.  In her mind, they were simply playing together, of course!  Luckily, the mother smiled at me with a wide, genuine smile & we became friendly companions in a few environments.  I wasn't sure how the mother would react, but am thankful that I did not need to try and coach my child not to see everyone as equal to herself, as I believe society tells us to . . . .  all too often . . . .

When we first learned about the giftedness complications, I was worried it would lead to arrogance, as it statistically can pretty often.  However, I have never seen that in her.  Maybe I am a biased mom, but I honestly believe that she is simply a better person than I am.  Being around others with intellectual capacities similar to hers has helped, I am sure.  However, the programs she's chosen going forward are not mostly with groups of people like her that way.  Perhaps she'll change her mind, but so far, she enjoys being in a more mainstream environment.   Now, she hasn't chosen school, so I mean that in a relative sense, but she has chosen the more "normal" parts of her program as the ones she'll plan around.

When she was diagnosed with visual impairments and retained reflexes, we had another shift in perspective to absorb.  Again, she jumped in feet first, and seemed mostly relieved.  It explained a lot of things that had frustrated her about herself and addressed them, removing and/or reducing those frustrations.  We are very blessed to have been able to do a year of therapy for her at a wonderful place with amazing people.  That was life-changing.  Again, she didn't see herself as different.

In her more mainstream classes, she has friends whose accomplishments in the classroom are not the same as hers.  This has never stopped her from interacting with people based on common interests.  Over time, it seems that her focus has never been on intellectual capacity, but on how much connection she feels with someone, and that can be based on any number of things.  Like Minecraft, lol. . . .  She socializes with various types of people as far as neurology and intellect.  That seems obvious to me now, but somehow I didn't assume it would be like that.  She did, however.  See how much better she is than I am as a person?

Now we're entering teenage years, and like most people around that time, she simply wants to fit in, feel connected, and have fun.  I do see that as obvious, but it's a new challenge at this stage.  Happily, we've been finding successes and she's a happy teen. 

Through this, I want to respect her and support her.  She's not playing dumb, but she's not as comfortable answering questions that show her atypicalities as much as she used to be.  This makes new environments more complicated to navigate.

Typical openers we here all the time:
What grade are you in?
How old are you?
Wait . . . .  [does math in head]

Disclaimer - her actual technical grade is the one she'd have if she had been born at 37 weeks of gestation, full term . . . .   she's only been accelerated by weeks if you look at it that way . . . .  and yet, here it comes right away . . .  a flag.  a difference.  awkwardness.

Physically, she takes after her mother, poor thing.  I had a wonderful conversation about this with her cousin, his parents, my daughter & my husband not long ago.  This cousin is in college and also runs on the smaller end of the range.  He said something like this:

Nephew: "I used to hate it when waiters would assume I was so much younger than I was."
BIL: "Oh, remember the [places hand on son's shoulder] 'How's it going big guy?'"  [all over exaggerated friendliness].

Then this from my SIL, who is about my age: "I was on a work trip and wanted to buy a bottle of wine, and they refused my MN driver's license saying it was a fake. . . .  I said call the cops!"  Yes, the cops came, they intervened & supported her . . .  things you never thought you'd deal with . . . .  getting carded and refused in your 40s . . . . . ugh!  And then hearing how nice it must be to be assumed to be so much younger than you are.  I, personally, have had some pleasant & some very unpleasant experiences as well . . . .

Oh, we all laughed, and I think it made my daughter feel good to hear she's not alone.  And others have reached out to her to assure her that she is more typical than she might think.  I am so grateful to my beloved family members who have stepped in and supported and encouraged her . . . and me. . .

I'm still learning to support my daughter's wishes, whether or not they would be mine, so long as they are healthy.  As she's growing up, I adore learning more about her as she explores herself and evolves as a person.  I also get scared that I'm going to make too many mistakes or mistakes too big.  I will make mistakes.  I tell her that all the time.  And I finish with "I hope that the fact that I know I'm not perfect and that you can see me trying and changing and working on things will be enough for you to overlook my errors or minimize their impact on you."  She smiles and hugs me.

Any experienced with responsible teenagers advice for me?  Other funny stories that you think of as you read?  I'd love to hear from you.

New Chapters - New Journeys

I wrote a couple of posts ago about a book I'm reading by Steve Wiens called Beginnings. 

It's taken me a long time between Chapter 5 and Chapter 6.  During that time, we went on the longest family vacation we've ever taken, which was wonderful and beautiful and relaxing and connecting.  There have also been the usual summer activities such as family gatherings and camp and yardwork - definitely in order of preference.

I was determined to get back on track.  For those of you who didn't read my earlier post, I started reading this book from my list now because I'm anticipating the next chapter.  My girl is a teen now.  When I started this blog, she was clearly a child.  An atypical, wonderful, challenging, and intense child.  But still a child. 

How can that only be a few years ago? 

As the homeschooling mother of a teen, I have a few years left until I have a very definite deadline I'm working toward.  All parents' job is to work themselves out of a job, and support our offspring into becoming independent.  As a homeschooling parent, there's another dimension to that concept of working yourself out of a job.  It feels bigger to me.

Today I turned on chapter 6 (on audible).  The title of the chapter is Monsters.

Just yesterday I had texted a dear friend telling her that I needed to get my brain to shut up.  I was panicking about things that are not timely and not helpful.  She gets it.  I knew she would.  I got through it, but woke up today feeling very similar to yesterday and then hear that my next chapter is about facing my monsters.  Timely?  Terrifying?  Yes and yes.

There are so many things in this chapter that I can relate to.  My biggest monster right now has shown up in the last few weeks, in between these chapters.  It affects me greatly, but also is the result of some very positive things, and they are not my things to share.  I am striving to respect my teen's privacy and still engage in my own experience.  You might feel that there are gaps.  There are.

This blog's intent was to put some emotional support or at least acknowledge that you're not alone to future parents of highly gifted children.  I didn't see much emotional resource when we first got started.  So now, I'm back to focusing on the basics & what's mine to share - the emotions.

The word emotions doesn't sound like a strength to me.  It certainly isn't used as a compliment in our society, or at least wasn't in the society and environment I grew up in.  Being called emotional isn't something females see as a compliment.  It feels demeaning, minimizing, and shameful.

This is ridiculous!  People have emotions.  If they didn't, they would be robots.

Over time, I have learned to see my emotions and emotional experiences as something worthwhile and genuine and worth sharing.  I use that to serve a purpose.  I try to support people and make sure struggling people don't think they're alone if I can relate.  That is a strength.  It's emotional, too.

As I face a very definite deadline of working myself out of a job, I am emotional.  Graduation is a transition time for all parents.  For me, it will also mean being laid off.  And it's a good thing.

But I don't want it!  Or more accurately, I'm afraid of it.  I do want fulfillment and growth and indepence for my daughter.  I fear and grieve for myself, not her.  I never wanted to homeschool her.  Now, I don't want to stop.  So am I fearing change?  Am I dealing with an imminent identity crisis?  Are there exciting things ahead?  Will I be bored?  Will she stay closely connected to us?  Will she live near us? 

I don't know.  And neither does she.

I'm learning to live with that.  Because the things she wants will not look like what I want in many ways.  And yet, just last week, she surprised herself and me by stating a definite opinion about lifestyle that exactly matches my own.  Another recent one, I thought, "YES!  Perfect!" and it was about something I personally would hate . . . .   but I was thinking of her future, not mine.

My monster will be talking and dreaming about "her future", rather than "our future".  I will cry and be sad, and she will know that.  In fact, she smiles sometimes when she see it because she knows it's an expression of love.  She feels good, even though she doesn't want me to be sad.  I will repeat the mantra "I'm so proud of you!" even through those tears.  I will tell her "I'm excited for you!" and "I'll miss you!" as we go through this chapter.  And I'll have my days full of tears of self pity through the bittersweet changes. 

That is my place of tension right now.  And that's what chapter 6 of the book is about.

Meeting Ava - what to do when you meet a neuroatypical kid

I think most people really want to be kind and helpful when they meet a neuroatypical kid.  Many have no idea what to do. 

We are afraid of offending the parents or someone else.  We are uncomfortable and unused to the patterns of behavior.  We want to be kind.  We don't know what to do.  We are embarrassed.  We do nothing, most of the time.

One thing I didn't expect to learn during this educational adventure is relating to other neuroatypical families.  People often assume gifted kids are simply very smart.  They are very smart.  However, it's about how they're wired.  They are neuroatypical.  They have quirks and different patterns of behavior.  They make people uncomfortable just by being themselves, especially when they are young and learning social skills.  If you're looking for an example, think of Sheldon, or young Sheldon . . .   Some of the things that happen on those shows don't seem so satirical to us.

Earlier this month, we were on a date.  So M was at home, being old enough to stay home on her own, which has been SOOOOOO liberating.  If yours are younger, it WILL come.  It's worth the wait.  We decided to go to Red Robin, where my niece has me addicted to campfire sauce.  YUM!

It was Mother's Day weekend, I think.  A larger, multi-generational group was sitting next to us, and I didn't notice them until my new friend Ava moved on the booth between our tables and sat next to me.  I had heard some things that made it clear someone at the table was neuroatypical, but hadn't thought much of it.  A decade ago, that would not have been my approach.

We had finished our meal and my husband went to the restroom, so I turned to the girl next to me who was wearing the most adorable leggings - with cat whiskers on the knees.  I thought my girl and her friends would love them, so I complimented her leggings.  The rest of her group looked apprehensive and uncomfortable.  I ignored that.  I only saw it because her mother was at the far end of the table and told me where she got the leggings.

Ava slid closer on the bench and introduced herself.  I'll admit, I was uncomfortable, but am far more used to these situations than I used to be, so I masked that as best I could.  She introduced herself and asked my name.  I told her.  She asked for my birth date, 1 piece of info at a time.  I decided she wasn't an identity thief & told her.  Quicker than I could think, she told me exactly how old I am.  I let my genuine surprise and admiration show said, "You are SO good at math!  Wow!!"  She replied simply with her own age.

She was wearing shoes that are exactly like a pair both my daughter and I have (don't judge - I'm tiny & kids tennis shoes are cheaper), so I told her.  Her mother's shoulders relaxed a bit at this point.  She was watching Epic on a tablet, which is one of my favorite movies.  She is a year younger than my daughter, about my size, and a sweet neuroatypical girl who simply wants to be friends.

She asked if I like minions.  As a matter of fact, both my ring tone and my text tone are minion noises - more and more similarities!  She asked to hear them, so I pulled out my phone, pulled up that screen & handed it to her, at which point she started listening to the minion choices I'd made. 

At this point, my husband returned, and it wasn't that long a trip, so you can imagine the whirlwind pace that is Ava.  I introduced her to him, and she pointed to me and said, "She's my new friend."  My husband is a loving and accepting man, but less used to neuroatypical situations and was less successful at hiding his discomfort.  Like I said, not that long ago, I would have been also.  He was ready to go.  I told him I'd be there in a minute, trying to give him the comfort of leaving right away.  He took it.

I told Ava is was lovely meeting her, but we had to go.  I slid the long way around the table, as Ava was blocking the closer exit, and walked around to stand beside her mother, who looked like her discomfort was increasing.  I touched her shoulder and said, "she's delightful."  This mother beamed!  We exchanged other pleasantries, and I joined my husband.

This was maybe 5 minutes of my day.  It exhausted me, as I'm almost off the charts introverted, lol.  I'd do it again, tho.  My husband expressed his appreciation for my approach, and we went home.

As I think back on that, I realized that I have a deep love for Ava and neuroatypical kids like her.  She is different than my daughter, but having experienced this adventure, I feel like I can relate to those families, as well.  I've decided that the best things I can do for all of them is the same thing I would do with any stranger I encounter.  I compliment what I genuinely notice and enjoy.  I relate to them in whatever way is apparent and obvious.  I engage with them, and show interest in them.  Sometimes that's the greatest gift we can give.

So, if you're looking for ways to be kind to those you are uncomfortable around, I won't claim to have all the answers.  I won't claim that I don't offend some people accidentally.  But that day was a success, and I have a new friend named Ava.

Remembering 2013

I’ve been listening to Steve Wiens’ audio book Beginnings & Day 3 took me back to 2013 as he described a crazy & wonderful adventure he took as an example in the chapter.  I met him in person before then & knew about that adventure as it was happening, so it took me back to my own experiences as I excitedly followed his progress.

The short version is that he ran across the Grand Canyon rim to rim and raised money to support women who had no future prospects & it was hugely successful.  For the detailed version of his story see his site and/or read the book Beginnings.

His question from this chapter is what seeds are in you that will bring forth life in others as well?  That is a hard question for me.  I’m learning to prioritize and figure out my individual fulfillment within the framework of a life I frankly would not have chosen.  It's also a framework that is nearing an end, so I've been contemplating my next chapter.

For those who are new to this blog, I adore my daughter and am ridiculously proud of her.  However, I never intended to homeschool her.  I didn’t want that for myself.  When it became apparent that she needed that, I reprioritized and made it happen.  It was messy.  It is still messy.  There is no question that it was the right path for her.  None at all.  At 6.5 years into the journey, I'm pretty comfortable with it, but it’s really different than it used to be.  It's taken a lot of work and support from others to get here.

In the summer of 2013 I was still homeschooling & had finished about a year and a half.  Yes, summer goes with homeschooling.  For one thing, she refused to take s break for a few years.  I wanted a summer break!!!!!  She didn’t.  Sigh . . .  We were also newly estranged from the family I grew up with.

That particular summer I felt not completely out of my mind with the transition, but still incredibly gun shy.  I never knew how much unsolicited advice & stranger criticism could come from homeschooling.  It was HARD!  Everyone had an answer, or story, or someone they new that . . . . you get the idea.  Many of them were scare tactics to talk me out of homeschooling, which my daughter neurologically needed.  My husband was always better at blowing that stuff off than I have been.  Being a mom is vulnerable.  Being a homeschooling mom of an atypical learner is TERRIFYING!!!

One of my friends at the time repeatedly told me I should simply not bring it up, lol . . .   If you've ever met my daughter . . . .   She's a talker!  Yes, she does take after her mother that way, lol.  Also, as soon as she opens her mouth, it's obvious there's something a little different inside that pretty little head & people start asking questions.  So not dealing with it meant not leaving the house.  Yes, we did choose that more often than you might think.

With all the time & emotional energy spent on figuring out how to help our girl find fulfilling learning & connection, I had quit teaching piano lessons after 18 years.  I never thought I would quit that.  I simply was exhausted, and I didn’t have the capacity to homeschool our daughter AND work for a paycheck at the same time.  My husband was wonderfully supportive & so were my last few students, which helped.  I was done with something I thought I'd do forever.  I felt completely stunned in a numb sort of way.

I was also dealing with chronic pain that was mysterious & making very little progress.  Not so many years earlier, I would swim laps and ride my bike miles almost every day in the warm season, and I was angry about these changes in my body.  I was living in a house that was too big for us, and physically too much for me to keep up.  And since our girl was so young, she could not yet be home alone, so I spent every day facing my views of disappointment in myself.

These changes in our lives coincided and/or caused so many relational schisms!  I felt like my only value added at that point was my daughter & that was still not very stable.   The rule of thumb from many parents of others like our girl was to find a new plan every 6 months?!?!  We were done adding to our family, and I was still grieving the loss of 3 pregnancies, so my mom success rate felt abysmal.  I never wanted to be a stay at home mom.

On fb, I saw that Steve Wiens was running rim to rim to raise money for girls to get out of sex trafficking (most of them were placed there by their own families).  This definitely hit my heart.  I cried tears of joy watching this adventure evolve into the Fall.  I wanted so badly to be more involved & connected.  People were running with him in solidarity, but I could not.  People were donating money & I had recently stopped earning an income . . .  And our version of homeschooling is working really hard WHILE spending significant money . . . I felt helpless.

So, I kicked my own butt & decided to get creative.  I thought about St Nicholas, who gave money in secret to 3 girls without douries, which paralleled Steve’s effort & hit the homeschooling a young girl sphere I lived in . . .  And I had an idea.  Christmas stockings.  I made Christmas stockings as gifts, mostly. . .  I decided to talk with my husband & daughter about Christmas stockings.

My initial goal was related to reclaiming things in my own life and creating something positive out of them.  I wanted to save 3 girls, symbolic of the 3 children we had lost.  I used a sewing machine with ties to my ancestry, and placed it on a sewing machine table with ties to my husband's ancestry.  I was pulling OUR family together and moving forward.  A less reverent way I did this was to sit on the ancestry binders in order to get the appropriate angle as I sewed to reduce my pain.  It made me smile and it made my husband laugh.  It was a good addition.  And the family I married into talked about how much their ancestors would love the effort I was taking on.

We told our daughter about prostitution without detail but simple definitions, another decision we were criticized for, but related to things relevant to her studies, like that of St Nicholas.  She knew what the proceeds would do and why it was important.  Physically, this was challenging & I had to pace myself, but I committed to making 30 quilted Christmas stockings that Fall & mail them to people who donated to the cause Steve Wiens was running for.  It was VERY different from his marathon, but it was something I could do.  The previous time I had made so many stockings had been just following my first miscarriage and I did it in about half the time, so this was my marathon.

About every other day, I’d do a chunk of the work & my family would give me the space to do that. My Aunt sent me Christmas fabrics she had in her home to support my efforts, which was such a sweet surprise.  My girl would come in regularly to see what fabric combos I had chosen - did I mention that every stocking is one-of-a-kind?  They are about 9 inches wide & 18 inches tall.

I was in pain for months, and could have had that pain reduced by not doing it.  It was a tangible gift to people I will never meet in person, but care about nevertheless.  I was touched by the people who cheered me on & donated but asked not to have a stocking sent.  I felt the compliment of people who chose a particular stocking they wanted as I shared them on fb.  A friend who has always been an inspiration to me gave repeatedly & collected a set for her family & the 2 girls that unofficially have joined their family regularly for years.

It was a meaningful investment of my time & when I was about $100 from the $1000 needed to save a whole person forever, my husband said, you did it.  Top it off from me.  27 stockings were mailed.  He agreed to us taking on all the postage.  He also spent a lot of hours watching football (which was admittedly not a huge sacrifice) and intervening to give me privacy when my girl came to check on me . . . . about every 5 minutes at the start, lol . . . .

I did not reach my initial goal.  Steve saved over 60 girls!!!!  I am still so excited about that.  It was a victory for me to save one.  More than the girl who benefits, it was meaningful to me.  It was the start of reclaiming and beginning again for me.  I proved to myself that I could do it.  I was not a failure, and that success can be measured differently than it used to be.  It can be 1 girl instead of 3.  It showed me that although my support network had gotten smaller suddenly, I still had a lot of support from a few beloved individuals and a lot of loving strangers and acquaintance.

More than anything, I can still picture my daughter's glowing smile when she came in to see what I was working on that day, and when she asked what the total was that I'd gotten to.  She didn't care if it was 3 or 1.  She was proud of me.  "One whole person.  Forever."  That was her phrase to me that Christmas, which was when I ended my marathon.  That's all I remember about that Christmas - her praise, and my husband's support and encouragement.  I had carved out time for myself, and I had used it to plant seeds for greater life in myself and in a complete stranger in another country.  It was good.

So, Steve asks what seeds are in me that will bring forth life in the future.  I'm not sure right now.  My girl is now in High School classes, and I see the end of this chapter.  I will have no choice but to begin again.  That is why I started this book right now.  I'm anticipating.  And he reminded me that I did it before.  I can do it again.  I feel stronger after remembering.  Celebrate every accomplishment!

It's been a while & giftedness poster child?

I've been neglecting this for a long while.  For those of you who know what's been going on in my life the last few years, the most succinct explanation is that I've been busy being a homeschool mom and spending more time being an aunt to some amazing adults.  That time is something I cherish, but the journey is still on & I am still the mother of an atypical child.

We have now been homsechooling and allowing M to learn at her own pace for over 6 years  . . . . officially.  Christmas Break was when we started when she was 7 years old and we pulled her out of the middle of 1st grade.

Now, we have a teenager.  An amazing teenager who is going through all the normal young teenager challenges and experiences and adjustments that all humans go through in their own way.  She has also decided to put off college as long as possible, which has been a relief to our whole family, but definitely her choice.  And it's going well.  She'll simply have a lot of "extra classes" in a variety of areas and be able to explore more topics to help her decide on a path that makes her happy in her future life.

The last couple of years we have had less obviously atypical situations. There are more and more times where I can go out and have giftedness not be part of the experience.  It's been wonderfully peaceful.

There are occasions where someone notices and gets excited and goes off on their own tangent, no even hearing my girl's response . . .   recently, a former schoolteacher we ran across doing everyday business . . . .

"You could be the first female president," to which M's eyes got wide and she said, "My friend would be much happier in that role.  I don't want my hair to go gray all in one year," lol . . . .  The woman didn't even hear her respond and continued along the political options line of suggestions . . .  After trying to respond politely to the woman 2-3 times, my girl looked at me and silently sent the message, "Please make her stop talking."  Fortunately, a woman we know better was there & stepped in, saving me the trouble and refocusing the conversation on me, telling her what a great mom she thinks I am.  This woman has been a super supportive person in my life, obviously. . . .

We run across conversations like that all the time.

Could she go into politics?  Her brain could certainly handle the information, but it would make her miserable.  It's simply not a good fit for her personality, just like anyone else.  The message she gets is that because she can, she should.  That's what we're dealing with now.

Fortunately, we have a community of people who are supportive of her leading the way, as she always has.  When she was younger, she seemed hungrier and more drawn to speedy progress.  Now, she's focusing more on relationships, hobbies, expressing herself with her hairstyle & clothing, etc.  M is not superficial, but she is growing up and learning and exploring herself in a different way than she used to.  Most of the influential people in her educational life now compliment her maturity in knowing that she doesn't want to rush into a college situation.  I love that they are supporting her in this change.  It seems respectful, and honoring that they are listening to her & taking it seriously.

And today, the big new thing was getting a slime recipe from her friend and making glitter slime from the new "messy" pikmi pops.  If you're not following, just picture the annoying gift filler that's metallic and never goes away no matter how much you vacuum.  It comes with these toys & goes everywhere . . . . yay?  I digress.  The point is that she's still the age she is.  Every day is not full of super advanced stuff, but fun stuff that is age appropriate is mixed in regularly, whenever it appeals to her.

In all this, I have gotten comfortable.  It's not as constant a project as it was 6 years ago.  I am much more comfortable.  M also has found more generic answers to people when they ask about educational stuff.  We avoid it gently in many situations and now we can get away with it much more often.

Here's the problem with that.  There are still many people dealing with the journey in a way closer to ours 6 years ago than now.  I want to support them.  I also received SO much support and wonderful sounding boards from those with children older than mine.  I feel I should pay it forward in whatever way I can.  And I want to  . . . .  most days.  Other days, I want to stay comfortably out of it.

I remember thinking that giftedness needed a poster child.  That things like ADHD, Autism, Gifted Athleticism, Advanced Artistic ability, and many more areas are celebrated.  I still feel like giftedness is seen as pushy parenting and/or conceit.  It's a neuroatypicality not unlike some of the things listed in the beginning of this paragraph.  It's a need and a want of the child, not the parent.  Maybe the parent, as well, but for this parent, not so much.  I love my child, so I support her the best way I can, which means dealing with giftedness.

Another person shared similar feelings recently.  I don't want anyone to imagine that this blog and my daughter or the facebook information and that child, are templates of giftedness.  They are all individuals with different needs and patterns.  There are many similarities, tho.  As I read this, it took me back and resonated with me.  We attended the same coop with this family for a time, although I don't know them really . . . .   I am proud of this mother for having the courage and motivation to put it out there.  She will be judged and she knows it, but believes it's important enough to do anyway.  Hopefully, it will help people think about these often lonely situations and consider the fun parts, as well.  Please be cautious about making assumptions.  Try to understand and support these families.  Like my family . . . . 

https://www.facebook.com/ElliottRobbTanner/posts/154453705251857

When people tell me it must be easy, I tell them it's terrifying and wonderful.  It's a huge responsibility, and an exhausting position to be in.  Consider that Einstein & the Unibomber are both examples of giftedness, and quite different from one another.  Ability is one thing.  Good outlets for your gifts are quite another.  And providing healthy outlets for those abilities and appetites can be daunting.  It is also very important.  I wonder what amazing things these people will do later in life.  Some may be very publicly visible.  Some may not.  The more love they feel, the more positive their impact is likely to be. . . .

And that applies to people in all special interest groups.  Feeling loved and supported is critical and transformative.  We try to connect with people in different situsations, believing that genuine interest will lead to unity and strength among people . . .   please join us in loving and supporting this variety in people.  How boring would it be if we were all the same, anyway?!

Gingko trees - our symbol

Are you familiar with the Gingko tree?  It's also known as the Maidenhair, but I grew up hearing it referred to as a Gingko.  There was one in my parents' yarn growing up and it always fascinated me.

The leaves are small straight pieces that are attached together & get closer together as they approach the stem, like a fan.  As a child, I liked to try & separate every last individual piece on the fallen leaves.

Google identifies it as a food - Gingko Biloba, which I did not connect with it until I was an adult.   I always saw it as a dinosaur tree, tho.  It is the only living species remaining in Gingkophyta, and has been identified in fossils dating back 270 million years. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ginkgo_biloba

So, why on earth do I relate to this tree?

As I mentioned, there was one in the yard as I grew up.  It's a very slow-growing tree and was always small compared to more modern & common species.  I am physically small.  I always have been.  M is as well.  It is predicted that she will be my size as an adult, but time will tell.  So far, she is small according to the growth charts.

I has a smooth trunk, that I used to like to kindof pet as a child.  Not smooth & chalky like a birch tree, tho.  In the last couple of years, I learned that it produces fruit (duh - it's a food, right?!) that a neighbor told me was the source of the smell of dog droppings every fall, lol . . . .  In our current house, we have a Gingko in the yard.  An endangered species of tree.  That's so cool!

M is the one who first notices the gingko trees now, and I am able to relate some of my childhood memories to her.  She seems as fascinated as I am with them, sharing that affinity for the unusual tree.

The gingko I see most often now is not small.  I am certain is has been alive much longer than I have because of its size and its slow growth.  Unfortunately, I've never felt like our growth has been able to be slow most of the time.  I wish it were slower . . . .   Sometimes our growth experiences seem to fast and too close together to weather with dignity.  We are doing our best.

What does it say about a tree species that it survives over 270 million years, and is the only one that does?  It is strong.  It is resilient.  It has seen it all.  The tempoerate seasons, the floods, the draughts, the fires . . .  everything.  And it's still here.  It still grows straight and smooth. 

It is the only one like it.  Classifying it for a Biology tree project was the easiest example M had.  Many times, I feel like I'm alone in the crowd, as does M.  We are unique as well.  Unique can be amazing.  It can also be lonely.  Sometimes it is both at the same time.

I'm sure most people have seen the trees that grow near power lines, and the strange shapes the trunks take on as a result, or those that grow after lightning strikes or other trauma.  I have never seen a gingko that is not straight and smooth.  It doesn't allow itself to be permanently damaged by the changes around it.  It remains strong and resilient and has changed less than most species, whether plant or animal, during that time.  It may grow slowly, but it is powerful in its own, quiet way.

As an endangered species, you may think that this difference is due to few examples.  However, the city of Minneapolis has them on many boulevards, and M noticed the leaves all over St Paul out front of the Ordway theater this week, as well.  They are all around this area, quietly carrying on.

My family (within our shared walls) has been through a lot of change and growth.  Some of the things have changed us forever, but we are still here and have increased strength & resilience.  We try to absorb that which improves us and makes us stronger, just like the sword of Gryffindor in the Harry Potter series.

While I will not claim to be as amazing as the gingko tree, it's still a powerful symbol in our lives and a comforting reminder in our daily lives.  I have a challenge for you.  As you go through the times you're not sure you can survive, remember the gingko, and keep going.  And as you go about your days, see how many you can spot, and notice whether or not they were hidden to you before.  As a parallel, what people may you be overlooking in the crowd, just like the gingkos within the forest of trees. . . . .

Annual Testing Time

As a Minnesota Homeschooler, the law requires annual testing.  The school district cannot ask for the results of the test, but homeschoolers are required to provide a plan to address cases where the children are below the 30th percentile in any subject.

I think this is interesting & can be related to a family I got to share educational talks with in our last neighborhood.  Their daughter struggled in math.  She was in public school.  She would drop below 60%, so technically failing, and they'd offer her help in math.  This help worked, so she was over 60% again, which is technically passing.  At that point, her additional help would stop.  Before long, she'd drop below 60% and the process would continue like that.

I felt very bad for the girl.  It can't be fun to have the emotional roller-coaster and feel the failure and possibly shame of the whole process.  I certainly wouldn't enjoy it.  She worked hard, too.

This lucky little girl has parents who are very supportive.  They had lots of garage sales and paid the hefty fees to have her go to Mathnasium (I think, working from memory) which ended the cycle, but increased the family expense.  That brings me back to their many garage sales.  The girl is very lucky to have the parents she does.

How is this situation similar to others?  I don't know.  I imagine she is not alone and that not all parents are willing and/or able to help with an afterschool program.  And yet, those afterschool program isn't exactly dance lessons or karate - not the same social value, for sure . . . .

Our own situation is so different.  It has different challenges.  We are very lucky to be able to homeschool and to have the option to hire tutors and enroll in online and local on-site classes for M.  She is thriving, and I love seeing her happiness in the adventure.

Annual testings is kindof like a report card for mom, since I am the homeschool principal.  Here's kindof how it goes.

Anticipation: 
I freak out that she tested out of Peabody (basicly tested out of HS) last year, when she was 11.  I say to myself and my husband and friends my mantra that I will not type here, wanting to keep it G rated.

M asks lots of questions about the new test, which thankfully is given by the same tester she had for her previous few tests, and I don't have answers for her.

Could I research it & answer those?  Sure, but I busy wallowing in denial and freaking out, so I don't.

During the test itself:
I sit there feaking out that I'll look like a bad homeschool mom, but also freaking out that she might do better than I can handle or am comfortable with.  I both want her to do well and poorly at the same time for various reasons.

I listen & remember her father telling her to "get dumber" a few days earlier.  She laughed and lit up - we're weird that way.

I hear her say "I don't know" and immediately follow it with the correct answer.

I hear the tester reassure her when she gets frustrated, reminding her that this test goes through college material.

I remember her years previously telling me she was worried about failing the Peabody & me telling her she'd better fail cause I wasn't ready for her to test out of HS, which made her sit back & think.

I hear her say that her brain is mush and smile, relieved that at least THIS isn't easy for her - she's hard to keep up with & doesn't do well when not challenged, after all.

She chooses to do her weakest subject first, then follow it immediately with her strongest subject, and I realize she has gained the confidence and self-awareness to cope with this far more effectively than previous years.

After the test:
Her father repeatedly asks when we get the results.  With Peabody it was immediate.  As she progresses, there is processing time.  We are still waiting and in the meantime, I'm enjoying the evasive answer of "we're waiting on her annual test results" when people ask me what grade level she's at ;)

People say it must be nice for us.  There are many ways that it is.  Every child has wonderful qualities and challenging ones.  We are lucky to have resources to address our daughter's specific mix.  However, not all criminals had a hard time in school.  There are many horrific examples of highly gifted kids who grew up to use those talents in very destructive ways.  Whatever your situation, struggling in school (like Einstein, for the record, who is universally recognized as brilliant) or bored in school, please remember that all people have different challenges and that every child is a developing person figuring out who they are, what they are passionate about, etc.  Love every one of them.  They all deserve love.  From everyone.

Have a great week!

Can you please warn her about my situation? A beloved babysitter moves home.

One of my greatest sadnesses about the situation M is growing up in is the impression that she needs to be careful and guarded in everyday interactions.  This is not about politeness, and unfortunately, we have gotten burned when we have been open on various occasions.

A young woman we have known since before M was born recently moved back to the city, and she is in college nearby.  This is someone M gave Christmas presents to, went to see in school plays and so much more . . . .  When she was too young to be interested in sitting still long enough for plays and similar things, she would whenever this lovely lady was involved.  Years earlier.

We were ecstatic to have her closer to home again, and M got excited to see her, then immediately hesitant.  You see, she has completed about 6-8 grade levels since she last saw this young woman, despite it being a relatively short period of time.

My heart sank when I saw her expression shift.  This has nothing to do with the young lady who moved back to town.  She has been incredibly accepting and loving of M throughout her life, and has also been one of M's biggest cheerleaders throughout her life.  She didn't react negatively to M's atypical situation, but she was unaware of the extent of the differences in our life.

M asked me to "warn" her on behalf of our family before they interacted again.  This made me sad.  M is incredible and feels no better than anyone else, but her differences make her feels like she shouldn't be proud of the hard work she has done or the things she has passionately sought.

In this country, many people are quick to say they appreciate and encourage diversity.

Let me as you this.  In a country where we celebrate diversity and the strength that comes from connecting with a variety of people in our melting pot (politics aside), shouldn't a girl who simply loves learning and learn quickly feel comfortable expressing that?  Especially to someone she has loved for years?

What does it say about us that she doesn't?  What does it say about us when you realize that she is far from alone in this impression?  What does it say that her parents are verbally attacked by strangers for "thinking she/they is/are better than others" when they don't actually think that?

Why does "different than" get interpreted as "better than" or "worse than" in this culture?  Are we capable of being neutral in our differences?

What are we missing if we cannot?

I don't have answers, but wanted to ask the questions.

There are a lot of posts about women and girls and celebrating them right now.  Why is it that far more girls than boys are uncomfortable admitting to their successes and accomplishments?  Can this be addressed?  What can you do individually?  And let me state the obvious (to me) that I think boys should be comfortable with success, as well as girls.

A different young college woman I know did a great thing when encountering our differences.  She knew M in a similar capacity to the one mentioned earlier, but not nearly as well.  She said simply, "She should never be ashamed of being smart."  And she meant it.

Giftedness and Carpooling - Mixed reactions

As I'm arranging carpooling for some Fall activities, this topic is on my mind, and has me giggling with amusement.

M doesn't like carpooling.  I'm glad she has told me, but we will still be carpooling.

Let's face it.  Interacting with other individuals can be irritating and complicated.  That's part of the reality of being human.  None of us are immune.

I know a lovely woman who is one of the most warm, tolerant people I have ever met.  She will not get in the car without her son having 2 books, "because what if he finishes one?!"

When I heard this, I laughed really hard and felt very relieved to not be alone.

M likes quiet in the car, which is ironic.  She never stops talking.  Not just in the car, either.

When we have to drive in the morning, I am grumpy.  I know I am not alone in this.  Grumpiness is most common in the morning, second only maybe to driving in traffic.  I'm guessing - this is not a scientific statement.  It rings true, though, doesn't it?

We did some carpooling to 4H events this summer, and there were siblings riding with us.  Siblings fight.  It's part of being a sibling.  M is an only child.  She's adapting, but sibling fighting still upsets her sometimes.  Siblings fight in the car, too.

In one instance, the siblings were being particularly irritable with each other.  I had another I'm-Not-Alone moment when the mother, also riding with us, suggested putting an audio book on for them.

As Fall approaches, we will be in the car a lot more.  More of our in-person activities are during the school year, and some of them are quite a distance.  They are worth it, but the car time is still something I plan ahead for and get stressed about. 

My solution this year was to stock up on audio books from the library and try some different ones, so we'll have something to look forward to in the car.  I keep 2 in there, too, just in case we finish one, lol.

One activity we are new to carpooling, since we moved this calendar year.  I am grateful to have a carpool.  The decreased driving, reduced emissions, reduced gas cost, etc. are wonderful!  M believes in all those things, too.  She still seems wary however.

"Just as long as it's a quiet carpool," was her initial response.  Pause for internal hysterical laughter on my part!  I told her that we didn't know, and that it was going to happen either way.

Then, I talked to my husband.  He suggested having coffee with the other drivers before the start so we could give them a heads up and M would not be grilled with questions.

While I understand his concern, this may not happen.  It simply may not be possible.  Besides, M is who she is and will have to learn to react to a variety of responses to her unique situation.

I did, however, have to disclose that she cannot ride in the front of the car.  This is not something I anticipated being part of the atypicality of our lives.  The place she's going, at that time, does not offer classes for her age.  So, I had to let them know that she is small and young as a logistical concern.

Will I ever get used to this?  Every time I think I'm close, I get surprised again.

I don't know how this is going to work, but I am grateful to have a carpool arranged, and to have M experiencing this part of life that is so much a part of so many lives in this area. 

I am also grateful to have her around people who are not part of her "special population."  I think in an effort to feel included, we sometimes insulate ourselves too much.  This can lead to thinking about people as "us" and "them" even when that is not our intention.

My husband and I intentionally put ourselves out there.  We want people to feel loved and appreciated and respected.  That sometimes means that people who consider themselves part of a description that we ascribe to, disagree with our decisions.  In extreme cases, we are rejected for attempting to be inclusive.

I will continue to try and be inclusive.  For carpooling, I simply disclosed that she is small and young, but a HS student, adding only that it's a long story.  This was acknowledged in a way that seems positive and encouraging.  I responded yet again in a way that downplayed the differences, saying that it's like anything else - it has pros and cons. 

I'm not going to apologize or explain myself or M to everyone.  M is a HS student.  Yes, she is small, because she takes after her mother.  Yes, she is young.  That's simply when she was born.  If people assume we are snobs, then that's their impression.  We cannot control their heads. 

We can control ourselves.  We can show interest in other people's interests, and appreciate all sorts of things in all sorts of people.  We choose to focus on loving people.  Hopefully, by accepting ourselves and loving ourselves and our differences, we can encourage other people to accept and love differences in themselves and others.  That is also M's goal.  I am so proud of her for that.

Isn't it amazing what arranging a carpool can bring up?  I wonder what it would be like to have a simple life . . .   Does anyone really have that?

Age really doesn't matter - play habits of the highly gifted

I was struck by this concept yet again during National Night Out.  We met some more neighbors, including several very close to M's age.  She played with some.  Some were interested in a pet we brought out with us.  However, there was one really cool connection.

I'm going to back up a bit.  M, along with many highly gifted children, was most often drawn to adults as a child.  Playing with other kids was fine, but she was just as often found striking up conversations with adults.

When you think about it, this makes sense.  Her intellect was so much more advanced than we were aware, and she was filling a hunger for advanced verbal interaction by targeting adults instead of other preschoolers, etc.  Many experts (and complete novices) will express extreme concern over this behavior and it can be mislabelled.

M has outgrown this to a large extent.  She still is comfortable talking with adults and enjoys that interaction.  She also enjoys interaction with some people her own age, as well as some of just about every age.

I have a theory that she somewhat skipped part of her childhood.  When other kids were engrossed in their toys, she could never get very excited about them.  She wanted to, and you could see it in her eyes and behavior, but the fun of toys for her was very mild, and sometimes completely absent.

At that time, she was obsessed with animals, weather, and a few other scientific ideas.  Mostly, she wanted to consume documentaries and nonfiction books on those subjects.  I was sad to think she might be missing out on some of her childhood.

Back to National Night Out.  A girl who had been noticing M outside sought her out and asked her to play.  This adorable delight is 6-7 years younger than M, which momentarily concerned M, but she said "sure," and they quickly showed how similar they were.  I wonder what the kids closer to M's own age thought . .. . it doesn't really matter, but it was very interesting for me to see.

Since then, we have found that we connect very well with the parents of this girl, as well.  We seem to be wired the same way.  Four females had a good time doing things that wouldn't have been very interesting in other company, but was very fun in this instance.  And, since M has taken the Red Cross Babysitters course, she has had the opportunity to babysit her new friend, to the satisfaction of everyone involved.

In our usual group of friends, none of them are the same age as M.  One is close in age, but some are only slightly older than the neighbor girl.  I find it interesting to see how M interacts with them.  Things she wouldn't be interested in playing with on her own, she will get out and excited, creatively play with her friends of all ages.  I like to think that she is recapturing some of what she may have missed while she was too busy reading to play with toys.

If you step back a bit and think of your own friends, this makes sense.  In school, kids are arranged based on a 12 month period of time of birth.  I suppose it's as good a way to divide them as any, but it doesn't always work well.  As an adult, how many of your friends were born in that same 12 month period of time?  Very few of mine were.

Another evidence of how much this gets ingrained into us is that our kids get steered to play with kids close to their own age.  In one family, at least recently, M is more drawn to the girl who is farther from her age, and it seems this girl is more drawn to M than her older sister.  Since the adults were in those neat little groups, it seems like we assumed the similar ages would be the closer connection.  This is an assumption I am trying to remove from my own outlook.

When we, as adults and parents, interact with other adults, I find another phenomenon that parallels this.  Most people we meet assume that we are the same age as them so long as they can relate to our life stage.  For example, if someone has college-aged kids, they may assume they are older than we are, since M is younger. 

Interestingly, people have children at vastly different ages and this is considered completely socially acceptable, yet we make this assumption . . .  I wonder if this is the lingering effect of school grouping.

It goes a step further.  Most people assume that my husband and I are the same age.  While there isn't a huge age gap, there is a significant one.  Unless something triggers the information, such as a reference to older TV shows or music, people assume that we are the same age.

The encouraging thing about all of this is that people who you get along with tend to assume similarity and connection.  I find this incredibly comforting during a time of dissension in various groups in our country.

I do not write this with an agenda, moral, or lesson, but simply muse about an experience that I am witnessing and comparing it to other experiences in my own life. 

As Dr Deb Ruf said, "you hang out with people who get your jokes."  May you have many wonderfully connected people in your life of all ages, and encourage those satisfying relationships in the lives of those around you.  Always.

Autism and giftedness - a mother's reflections

I will start out by saying that I am not an expert, doctor, or any other kind of authority on the topic of autism.  My experiences are those of the parent of a high gifted girl and the ways that intersects with the topic of autism.  By no means do I claim to be perfect or speaking to every situation.

The topic of autism and giftedness came up in a conversation with friends who also have highly gifted children last night, and I've been pondering it ever since.  To my knowledge, non of their children have autism.

"I've worked with autistic kids before, so I have a lot of knowledge about how to interact with her."

This was in an e-mail from a teacher working with my girl.  I never said she had autism.  In fact, she isn't, and she's been tested.  She is very literal, extremely conerned about rules, highly anxious, and asynchronous in her development.  I was annoyed that the teacher assumed to be so knowledgeable, but I was not angry.  Other people got angry.

When I mentioned this to our friends last night, there was silence, which is EXTREMELY odd when those three families are in the same building.  The expressions were those of stunned, confused and incredulous adults.  Then another dad said that made no sense, shaking his head as if to dislodge a fly.

"Is she . . . . . on the spectrum?" was another teachers response to me - it was a drama teacher.

At least this woman was cautious, uncomfortable and honestly asking, rather than the conceited assumption that she was correct in her wondering.  I said no, but acknowledged that she has some symptoms that might seem like it.  She apologized and was genuinely interested in engaging my child in her class.  As the dad last night would quickly point out, M has other habits and personality traits that are completely against the idea of autism.  However, when she feels unsafe about acceptance, etc, she gets quiet, so those are less obvious at those times.

In that case, I had insisted that M take a drama class.  I feel that learning to perform in front of people, to control expressions and actions to an end, and to control yourself under pressure are life skills.  Since M is not interested in performance related activities, I do require this from time to time in order to make sure she's getting the experiences I feel are necessary, as her mother and her homeschooling principal. She hated it.  It was only a few weeks, however, and she accepted that I don't require her to do many things she genuinely dislikes that much, so she was compliant.

A girl who was very loving toward her was also in this class.  That girl is an incredibly gifted actress, and has gotten interest and audition invitations from Disney.  Their interest levels are VERY different.  In an attempt to cheer M up and simply be friends with her, she had put her arm around M's shoulder and encouarged her into the classroom, standing beside her and just trying to be friends as tween girls do.

Unfortunately, the act of an arm around the shoulder does not feel friendly to her, especially when it is speeding her progress toward something she doesn't like.  Her response to those situations is to shut down and almost freeze.  This is basicly what she did in that class.

Isn't it interesting how this came across to the teacher?  I'm an analytical person, so I can sometimes separate myself from the emotion of it.

The discussion last night was about a child I have never met, who has recently been diagnosed with autism.  The school noticed that he plays alongside other kids rather than with them, most of the time.  That is the basis of the discussion from last night.

 He was diagnosed because of playing alongside rather than with other kids at school.  His mother and I have a mutual friend, so I heard about it.  Guess what happened when her kids visited with him?  There was no alongside.  This precious child was engaged for hours and hours playing with the other kids.  Those kids are highly gifted.  They are asynchronous, so parts of their play may look young & parts may seem detailed to the extreme.  They are wired differently.  They are not better than anyone else.  They are not worse than anyone else.  They are simply different.

Play is supposed to be fun.  If it is not, it's not effective play.  Why should we assume there is a right way to have fun that fits every child?  There isn't for adults . . . .

M played alongside other kids for a VERY long time.  Part of it is that highly gifted kids play so differently.

I remember the first day that one of our friends brought her kids to the coop that is the first place we felt at home.  The mom went outside with kids who were going to play predator and prey.  As soon as she saw it, she decided it exemplified giftedness in play.  Instead of just using predator and prey as the categories, they gave examples of animals that they were playing, then another kid would announce they were an animal that would prey upon it.  Yet another kid would say they were a type of prey that is actually poisonous to the predator in question.  I cannot give you the specific examples they used that day because they honestly know a lot more about animals than I do.  Those kids used the specific names and types in their play.

When is the last time you heard about that at recess at a school?  Might that be why they play alongside?  If they like playing that way, might they get bored if they were forced to simplify all the time?  Might they get ostracized for being themselves in a school environment?

In our society, which expresses so much concern for individuality being respected, gifted kids are not being shown the same level of passionate support.  They are being labelled as someone with an ailment to be treated.  I don't understand why.  Do we think that people really only are different from each other once they turn 18?  Do we believe that people only deserve respect once they are legally adults?

The legislation about special education in the 90s included giftedness when it didn't get passed.  Giftedness was removed from the accomodations, and then it passed.  Does that upset anyone else?  Are those people less important?

Procastination, denial or both? Peabody progress.

I just read the post about Peabody testing from 2015 here.  Mostly, I'm in shock that it was already that long ago, but I'm also giggling at myself.

My main goal last year was to do a transcript for M.  Well, I had great intentions & prganized and gathered information in order to assemble one.  Then, I put it off.  And I still have not gotten to it.

To be fair to myself, a lot happened over the last year.  Not the normal busy-ness of life, either.  M had a lot of coping to do.  I had even more coping to do while I tried to help her cope.  It's starting to make me chuckle, but did not over the winter.

Guess what.  This Spring we got M's Peabody test results and I absolutely freaked out.  So did her dad.  We were told that she can no longer use that test again.  Why?  Because her overall grade level is beyond high school.  I felt shocked and terrified.  Her father said something brilliant like, "So what does that mean?!"  And then I read that post I mentioned & linked earlier in this post.  Last year, I knew that those results were likely.  Yet again, denial got me.

We have amazing friends and it's amusing to me when they make comments about M being a more extreme case than their children.  I don't giggle.  I chortle and laugh until I cry, and it is loud.  Seriously, the only difference is that some of them are younger.  They are just as extreme, and some of them are far more extremely gifted.

Sometimes I wonder how these women who are so much more intelligent than I am can think that M is a more extreme case. 

Did you see it there?  That sentence shows you I should understand.  Or maybe why we are friends and that our children get along so well.  Or both.

Yes, I have fulfilled my prediction of being "that more experienced parent" that I predicted I would be just last year, lol.  And yet, I'm still battling denial.

Are you feeling teased?  What are we doing about our 11 year old child testing out of high school?  Well, a few things, but not as much as I anticipated.

M has been through a lot over the last few years.  She needs time and energy to cope with life circumstances.  So we are focusing on fun and also seeing a therapist in order to help her navigate these things.

Last Fall, we signed her up for everything she was interested in.  Not surprisingly, it was far too much in the midst of losing a treasured family member among other things.  As a family, we learned together.  We learned how to decide when to drop subjects and how to communicate with tutors and classmates about our decisions, reassuring them that it wasn't a personal decision, but the result of dealing with a whole lot of life at that moment.  And we got really good about not caring about the money end of dropping things.  During times of loss of life, you really learn the relative unimportance of money.

What we ended up with by Christmas was still too much, so for Spring semester, we simply signed up for less. And we moved.  In the end, it still wasn't an easy-going semester, lol.

Through those things, we have gotten some more practice battling perfectionism, and M has some cute phrases about perfectionism personified.  It makes it more of a game and makes it feel more outside yourself as you battle it.  I highly recomend it and have followed her example to a more comfortable process of dealing with it.

When we got those test results, I reminded myself that I am her principal, as a homeschooler.  So, I have decided not to let her be done with high school.  For now, I can get away with that.  Maybe that's procrastination, or maybe it's denial again, but we've made that decision for now.  This Fall will look pretty similar to last Spring, as semesters go. 

M seems more comfortable with it than ever, and is embracing more playtime than she has since toddler-hood.  That makes me so happy.  It is an indicator of balance for me to watch.  When she is stressed or out of balance, she does not play.  In fact, she missed some play because of her incredible intellect.  The intellect took so much of her energy to feed that other things were somewhat neglected by her own drives.  I may be the only mother who never worries about stepping on Legos.  When I hear them being dumped out, I smile every time.  I know she is playing and I know that means she's in a good place.  OK, so I wear shoes in the house and she plays audio books at the same time, but still . . .

When the intellect is not fed enough, we have major issues.  When other parts of that being are malnourished, we just have different issues.  Her father and I have chosen a place that she can take college courses in a more sheltered, younger environment when she is ready to start that.  In the meantime, she is developing friendships there with very few classes but courses where the teachers have agreed to age-exceptions.  It has gone well overall, and we feel good knowing that it is there and ready when she is.  We're not ignoring it, so maybe it's not denial this time.

The other angle on the subject is that passions make a difference in the mix.  We do not believe that just because you are capable of things means you should have to do that.  M has choices.  She is capable in more areas than she is very interested in.  The classes where we requested the age exceptions were the ones she selected, both last year and for the upcoming semester.  In the others, we have decided to go with the flow.  She enjoys people younger than her, as well, and I love having many ages around her (and me!).  I think that is a much healthier and more interesting environment.

I wish you all a delightful holiday weekend, with just the right mix of stimulation and play and rest.

Summer and Stimulation needs

Hello again everyone.

I find myself apologizing for an extended absence, yet again.  The upside is that I do not post when there is nothing to report and hopefully have only interesting posts, if irregular in schedule.  I also love conversation, so please feel free to send me a message and/or leave a comment.  It gets me excited to interact with people of similar interests, and I will not publish your comment if you ask me not to, of course!  They do not automatically post on this blog.

Summer has begun.  We have already had heat indexes and one family member who seems to have suffered due to heat.  I hope you are all keeping well and finding fun ways to keep cool.

We moved during the last school year, and the house is wonderful.  We love it.  It fits our lifestyle and family so much better than the previous place, and we are very thankful for the change. 

Moving was also a lot of work!  I cannot imagine downsizing after several decades in the same house!  Logically, we all know that moving is always work.  We had purged a few years ago anticipating a move, and then purged again before the move . . . . twice.  We still found toddler things from M in some of the boxes our amazing friends helped us pack in the end.  How did they hide all this time?!  I like to think I'm pretty organized, but moving was an eye-opener! 

As a result, I strongly urge anyone interested to join a decluttering facebook group, read a book on minimalist life, or whatever motivates you to reclaim your space!  A couple of books recommended to me have been You Can Buy Happiness and It's Cheap, The Joy of Less, and The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up to list just a few resource.  The statistic that sticks with me from college (no, I will not tell you how long ago that was, lol) is that we spend 80% of our time using 20% of our stuff and 100% of our time maintaining 100% of our stuff.  Seriously, looking at it takes energy, even if you don't clean.  You'll feel less stress and more in control when you dump stuff.  And if you decide you want something later, a lot of that stuff is easy to grab.

M did an amazing job during the move.  She arranged her room and handled decorating decisions with her own enjoyment and user-friendliness in mind.  It has become her oasis, and we were surprised how mature she was about the whole thing.  Her parents tried to do the same thing, mostly with success.

A lot of people told us their child of that age would never let them move, or that they would make it miserable.  M gave us her opinions, and acccepted the decisions that weren't hers to make mostly with grace, which is pretty amazing!  When grandparents came to the unpacked house for the first time, she handled half the tour, pointing out things that she really liked, some being ideas I worked on which was sweet.  The fact that she didn't have to switch to a different school weekdays made the trnasition easier, definitely, but there was still plenty of transition.

Summer came on pretty fast with all of that going on during the school year, especially since it ended with her first official final exam administered by a different person.  It was for a lab science, including a fair amount of lab work, and she did very well, as we knew she would.  Being her first experience like it, she was nervous and extra proud that it went well.

After that, it can feel like the world skids to a stop with the season change.  We hear about the lazy days of summer.   I remember them when I was in school, before college, when I spent all summer in the water, on my bike or reading.  This summer, with the changes we've made, we have more time than previous years.  It sounds like a dream, but with people who have a high need for brain stimulation, it can be a challenge.

We chose to do some homeschool work this year.  M was on board for that, after seeing for herself that she gets anxious and in a bad mood when she isn't stimulated enough.  We aren't doing a lot of schoolwork, tho. 

She also was invited to do a Skype book club with some people far away, and was completely honored.  The amazing mom who is coordinating it used a book list from their school district and invited other local girls to do that, including many civil rights themed books.  There are others, of course, but I like the idea of the diversity of civil rights things to consider at the same time.  I know M will consider the different scenarios, contrast them, see similarities, and then think about her outlook into her everyday world.

Our new neighborhood is quite different from the last one, even though we are technically in the same city.  I wasn't sure if M would be really uncomfortable with the changes, excited, or something else entirely.  Neighbors chat with her, tell us how happy she seems, and how well-spoken she is.  I love that she feels comfortable talking to most people, and that she is seeing more diversity and still approaching everyone as a person.  Not all the same, but all equally human.

Maybe that's too deep and heavy for summer.  We are also spending plenty of time in the water and letting her run around outside with friends, of course.  If you ask M what she's thinking about, tho, you'll often hear about what she's reading, so we're keeping her well-stocked.  Some of them are audio books, so she can do artistic things or kinetic things at the same time, which is also nice.

And just to loop it back to the purging/minimalist theme, we're using the library a ton.  It's inexpensive (cause your taxes pay for it, so you might as well use it).  We use the kindle app options, some digital audio options through the library and some physical books, as well as some activities at the libraries.  Check it out if you're interested.  If you're not sure if you need to keep all your books, see if it's something available at the library.

OK, one final thing to stop at least one of my friends from hyperventilating.  If books are your version of teddy bears - like you need to cuddle them and you feel loved surrounded by them - by all means, keep your books!  It was just one example.  Each of us in this household had at least one area we did not purge.  That's the beauty of it.  If you minimize the things that you can, having a couple of collections works with less effort.  Just minimize the number of collections ;)

Hopefully, I'll keep up with y'all this summer.  Either way, remember that play is important for your health, so arrange some for you and yours, maybe including water this summer.  Stay cool!